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Original poster

My 5 year old just attacked me and I don't think I can take it anymore

105 replies

HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:06

Sat in the car waiting for DH to come out of the shops, had DS1 who is 5, DS2 who is 3 and my wonderful dog. DS1 sat behind me on the driver side started grabbing the collar of my t-shirt, I asked him to stop and tried to move away and as I did, he started laughing, grabbed my ponytail and my collar more firmly and just pulled all the way back. I couldn't breathe and it hurt so much. My head started to buzz and I honestly didn't know how I'd get out of it as I couldn't reach him. I managed to let out some sort of scream which made the dog bark at DS so he started laughing even more at let go of me where I just opened the car door and scrambled to get out.

He's severely autistic and usually the most loving boy but he always seems to go for me, I'm always his target. He'll jump on me, grab me, kick, punch, pull my hair or just hang off of me. He ALWAYS finds it funny, me screaming in pain just made him laugh harder. It doesn't matter how much I shout or talk calmly, asking him to say sorry (which I know he doesn't understand, but it can help us) he just doesn't get it.

My husband literally heard my scream from the shop (was in the disabled bay right outside a little Tesco and he was in the queue) so he ran outside. I can't stop shaking or crying. He's five but he's already stronger than me and about the height of a 9 year old, I don't know what to do.

I can barely speak my throat hurts so much and he's pulled out a good chunk of my hair so my head is throbbing too. How can I even deal with this, what can we do? It's not as if he's in a rage it's literally just for his enjoyment, he'd been sitting in the car playing with a paper aeroplane seconds before, happy as anything

OP posts:
Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:12

Just add, he's in a SEN school, he'll occasionally lash out there but nothing like this and it's never ever in anger, always on this weird 'high'? He's just happy? I can't explain it. It was just absolutely terrifying and I'm devastated that my 3 year old had to witness it

OP posts:
Booberella9 · 12/12/2019 17:15

What consequences does he get for these assaults? It sounds like none?

Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:15

@Booberella9 he's severely autistic, he doesn't understand a word I say

OP posts:
WooMaWang · 12/12/2019 17:17

Can you speak to his school and ask for some support/suggestions to help you to deal with his behaviour at home?

StarlingsInSummer · 12/12/2019 17:17

Oh OP. Poor you. I’d ask MNHQ to move this to SN Chat. Lots of of posters in Chat won’t get it.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/12/2019 17:18

Do his school have any advice about how they deal with behaviour issues which you could try at home?

Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:18

@Booberella9 but he is told off, told to stop, told to apologise, isolated if he's a danger. He's given a sensory output to help him regulate but obviously in the middle of the car park I didn't even suspect an episode was coming on.

It's not about consequences, it doesn't matter what you say to him, he does not understand any of it, words, tone of voice, facial expressions nothing

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/12/2019 17:18

That sounds incredibly tough.

Flowers
Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:21

@PerspicaciaTick we've tried so many times, they have a private OT for him and she's suggested weighted hats and a whole other load of stuff but nothing works for more than a few minutes.
We've no idea what sets him off, no idea what calms him down, nothing.

His warning signals for it is usually him growling and then he'll tense his whole body, School will usually take him somewhere away from other children or try and go swimming, we've worked together on loads is different things but literally nothing works permanently.

This was maybe brought on because he couldn't play outside today? Maybe the small change in routine meant he had more energy than usual?
I honestly don't know

OP posts:
Glentherednosedbattleostrich · 12/12/2019 17:23

No advice but you deserve Wine Cake Gin Flowers

What support do you have? I have friends with children who have various conditions so hear how hard it is, and understand as much as someone who isn't in their shoes can. Do you get a decent break? Any respite?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/12/2019 17:23

Ooch! Please do report your thread and ask MNHQ to move this to SN Chat, you'll get lots of seasoned advice there.

Best of luck

Ilovellamas · 12/12/2019 17:26

This sounds very much like one of my children. I used to be hurt by the laughing, but I’ve since learned that sometimes that can be a nervous reaction. I seriously thought my child would kill someone (we had to lock up the knives of a night). If he behaved like this (sometimes it was like he was possessed) I’d have to wait until he calmed down ( due to sensory overload) and then there would be a consequence (like removing iPad, no Mac Donald’s etc), it was a tough few years, but I felt he had to understand consequences even at 5. He is now 14 and he has managed to calm his temper and is a different child, so there is hope.

Wallabyone · 12/12/2019 17:26

Ow, that sounds so painful and it must have been a bit of a shock Thanks It's hard, because if it is usually unpredictable then you are going to feel constantly on high alert. Can the school offer any extra support/ideas to help?

Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:29

@Glentherednosedbattleostrich no respite at all. He's scarred off all family members, the only time he isn't with us is the 5 hours a day he is at school. He hasn't been anywhere else in over a year.

We're ringing social services in the morning, I think we need a referral for support, there's literally nowhere else we can go. I advertised for a SEN childminder/Nanny at £40 p/h over the summer holidays and the only people who replied to the advert were completely unsuitable. It's impossible to get care for him, it just doesn't exist

OP posts:
Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:29

@CuriousaboutSamphire I will do, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 12/12/2019 17:30

OMG! He's going to get stronger as he grows bigger, and more dangerous. I don't know what you can do, but I'd be a bit worried for ds2 as well as yourself.

PerrysWinkle · 12/12/2019 17:30

Hi Op, I’m sorry to hear about this. My autistic DD went through a period of terrorising us with her violence. We finally got help from a specialist behaviour nurse through the Children’s Disabled Team at Social Services. Could you call SS and ask for help? I would ask for a meeting with the head of school and also ask for help.

Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 17:34

@Ilovellamas that does sound similar. Our knives are all locked up too, he's waved one at my mum once.

I genuinely wish it was nervous laughter, but I really don't think it is, he just finds shouting or screaming funny. He can't tell that I'm angry or sad or hurt. He's never displayed any kind of comfort for anyone else. After i got back in the car, still shaking, he made another grab for me just to try and get my phone, he didn't even notice that I was still crying or was telling him no he couldn't have it. I just don't know what to do, I'm genuinely scared he's going to really hurt someone, he's SO strong.
He's ripped doors off hinges, he can lift the sofas up with ease. He's climbed out of windows, snapped off door handles when we've locked the door.
He's smashed about 7 TVs so we've just given up even having one.

I think I could understand if it was temper, that would feel more 'normal' but it's not, he's genuinely not angry or frustrated, he's just constantly 'high' or sensory seeking and no matter what input we give him, it's never enough

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 12/12/2019 17:36

Take photos of your injuries and the damage to your scalp to show to SS.

This must be so tough for you Flowers

PepePig · 12/12/2019 17:45

My brother was the same as your son. Severely autistic and very violent. It was particularly bad when he was about 10-15. So many bruises, broken windows, etc.

Honestly, the only thing that helped was medication. My mum was against it (she hates the clips of kids in america properly zoned out on drugs) but it got so bad it was either medication or someone getting seriously injured or killed.

He still has his personality and will still lash out if his routine is disturbed, but the meltdowns are less often. It's easier to handle.

Maybe a trip to the GP to ask about it might be worth while. If it's not for you that's okay.

Also, respite care. Please start this now so you get a break.

Ilovellamas · 12/12/2019 17:47

This sounds really tough. At least he his in a SEN school, they may be able to recommend some outside agencies that could help. I have two autistic children and I’ve alsways said that even if I had one arm chopped off and blood splurging out, they would never notice. It can be a very lonely time, I felt like a punch bag and he always took it out on me. Every child is different - has he been assessed for adhd - do you think medication would help!

SinkGirl · 12/12/2019 17:56

I’m so sorry OP. I have twins with ASD, age 3. They don’t understand any words either. They don’t feel pain, and they don’t understand when they’ve inflicted pain. DT2 literally broke my nose (by accident I might add - he was jumping on the sofa and tripped), I was screaming and bleeding, neither of them react. If an angry or hurt tone even registers, they just find it funny. So far they’re not violent at all but this is something that scares me witless. People don’t understand what it’s like to have a child who doesn’t understand anything.

You need to start insisting on help from services. Are you under the CHAD team or equivalent with social care? You can refer yourself in most places. Do you have a community paediatric nurse you can see? Maybe contact some of the ASD charities to ask for help? If the OT strategies aren’t working keep going back.

I wish I knew what to say - just wanted to send hugs Flowers

CodenameVillanelle · 12/12/2019 18:06

I think you and your DH need to risk manage him more assiduously. He can't be left with you and the younger child like that, certainly not in a car. In that situation DH could have take the 3 year old and you watch DS whilst facing him, maybe sitting in the seat but maybe standing outside the car with the door open.
You can't assume he won't lash out so you need to be checking how you can keep your eye on him and how you can move away to safety wherever you are.

Haworthia · 12/12/2019 18:10

What an exceedingly stupid comment by Booberella9. It’s like she didn’t read your post at all.

I feel terrible for you. Someone I follow online shared this recently - it might help.

yvonnenewbold.com/resources-on-send-vcb/violent-challenging-behaviour-the-basics/

Original poster
HereForTheHelp · 12/12/2019 19:47

@CodenameVillanelle you're absolutely right, which is just a heart breaking realisation. We're already so limited in everything we do, driving around was the one thing I felt made me useful. I can't really look after him without my husband because he either does these kinds of attack or puts himself in so much danger.

The whole house is guarded, he's never left alone. He's got a 12ft baby gate on his door. He has to share a bedroom with his brother which means we have movement alarms so we instantly know if he's moved out of his bed. He's never gone for DS2 but it's not even a risk we'd consider taking.
Everything it meticulously planned and considered, we're now going to research the safest front seat car seat so DS2 can sit up with me and DH can sit with DS1 - If any exist, please let me know Sad

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