My 5 year old just attacked me and I don't think I can take it anymore

[HereForTheHelp]

Sat in the car waiting for DH to come out of the shops, had DS1 who is 5, DS2 who is 3 and my wonderful dog. DS1 sat behind me on the driver side started grabbing the collar of my t-shirt, I asked him to stop and tried to move away and as I did, he started laughing, grabbed my ponytail and my collar more firmly and just pulled all the way back. I couldn't breathe and it hurt so much. My head started to buzz and I honestly didn't know how I'd get out of it as I couldn't reach him. I managed to let out some sort of scream which made the dog bark at DS so he started laughing even more at let go of me where I just opened the car door and scrambled to get out.

He's severely autistic and usually the most loving boy but he always seems to go for me, I'm always his target. He'll jump on me, grab me, kick, punch, pull my hair or just hang off of me. He ALWAYS finds it funny, me screaming in pain just made him laugh harder. It doesn't matter how much I shout or talk calmly, asking him to say sorry (which I know he doesn't understand, but it can help us) he just doesn't get it.

My husband literally heard my scream from the shop (was in the disabled bay right outside a little Tesco and he was in the queue) so he ran outside. I can't stop shaking or crying. He's five but he's already stronger than me and about the height of a 9 year old, I don't know what to do.

I can barely speak my throat hurts so much and he's pulled out a good chunk of my hair so my head is throbbing too. How can I even deal with this, what can we do? It's not as if he's in a rage it's literally just for his enjoyment, he'd been sitting in the car playing with a paper aeroplane seconds before, happy as anything

Op this sounds so tough and scary for you, and totally heartbreaking! I have a really difficult five year old who possibly has underlying issues and I've had a tough morning with him but reading your post has put it all into perspective.
I used to work as an NHS support worker and a young lady I looked after was very like your described your ds. She was tiny but so so strong when she attacked. We had an adapted Ford galaxy with a perspex screen seperating her from the driver. I think this is something you need to look into im sure it could be funded. I would definitely echo the other posters saying that he needs to be supervised at all times with your younger child. Especially at night time. Sending you hugs and

I think @LastMichaelmas it's because it doesn't fit with the autism is a gift narrative that some people are trying to push. Or self identifying as autistic.

Ugh. If it's a gift why does nobody ever get a gift receipt with it 😒😂

I do get that there are differences. And in a way I feel like I shouldn't be on this thread. But I read what OP's DS is doing and thought it might be helpful to offer an interpretation of what might be some of his motivation… I dunno.

Thank you all so much

I rang motability and I can't believe how amazing they were. They've allowed us to cancel our current contract with an extremely small fee and we can go choose a 7 seater today, plus they'll let us keep our current car till the new one gets delivered. I'm so bloody relieved

And yes to all posters saying only supervised with younger DS. The only time they're ever 'alone' is when they're both asleep. We now have a camera in their room that is motion activated as well as a motion sensor mat. We've also got double bed guard on DS2 bed anyway as he tends to fall out a lot so it's pretty difficult to get access to him unless you can reach (which DH and I can, obviously)

OP, that’s great news about the bigger car. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I work in a SEN school with children like your DS and often see parents battered and bruised.. I hope you’ve phoned children’s services and asked for support, you deserve it, you really need respite.

Oh how brilliant about the car. I'm so pleased for you. Put the dog guard in front of his row and then he will be safe and contained.

I'm sure you will all feel a lot more relaxed.

Do look into respite care too. I really think a break would do you an enormous amount of good

@hereforthehelp I am so glad Mobility have been able to help and reassure you today.

I am sorry that life has thrown you the "gift" of a challenging child (how true what you said @Clymene) but for what it's worth, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Please, please do look out for you too. It's so easy to put your needs aside when you have a child in general, let alone one that has extra needs too. Don't feel bad for looking at what you need to allow you to function to your best abilities.

it's all I can offer but it's sent with my best wishes.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and that life is difficult right now. It doesn’t sound easy.

Take a look at Positive Behaviour Support. Applied Behaviour Analysis or the Verbal behaviour Approach. They use evidence based approaches which includes working on functional communication and decreasing behaviours that challenge using a least restrictive and most effective, positive reinforcement based methodology where possible. If you go on the Behaviour Analysis Certification Board Website you can put in - find a BCBA with your postcode. There is a ton of bollocks out there in terms of ‘it turning children into robots’ etc etc. You get good and bad everything. Good and bad SLT, good and bad special schools etc. I’ve seen crap ABA programmes but I (and my of my colleagues) work our arses off to deliver early intervention in the most child centred and play based way possible. Whilst using the research. The children make good progress and family life often improves because of this. We can mostly reduce (most) behaviours to zero and get functional communication going for children (unless multiple complex needs and then it becomes a bit more difficult). X

Ds 14 has tried to do this in the car. He now has a crelling harness and never sits behind the driver. We also have a 7 seater but he is at the moment calm enough not to need the back row. We rarely take him out in the car unless both of us are there but that is more the getting in and out rather than the journey.
Our own experience of children's services is that they are useless. They don't offer respite to children with significant challenging behaviour associated with autism and learning difficulties because they don't have provision for it. They have an expectation that children with those needs will not live at home. Maybe it will be better in your area.

Can I pipe in here as a child who grew up with a violent ASD sibling? It RUINED my childhood. Every family member was attacked, including the poor pets. I still do not understand that. I could not have friends over. I lived in fear. I was told it wasn't his fault, and that I was heartless for not loving him. In some way I could appreciate that he did not choose to be that way, but I never understood why he was not removed from the home. I have PTSD to this day and I am almost 50.

@Wereallsquare I'm really sorry about what you went through but that's made me feel so terrible. We do so much to safeguard our youngest DS, he's never ever showed any interest in hurting him though.
DS2 rules the roost and is beautifully vocal so DS1 keeps away from him

My Asd 6 year old climbed from his sn car seat jumped into the front in a split second (his so dangerously fast) and grabbed the wheel and drove my car up on to the path, it all happened so fast as those with Asd children know it happens in the blink of an eye, i emergency stopped, no harm to anyone (thank god) and then I really shouted in panic as you would! so he ripped a handful of hair from my head and was hysterically laughing, then i couldn't get him back into the car seat or home. I just sat on a kerb my car half up on the path and half on the road holding him tight on my knee crying and shaking. I genuinely expected to see my car on crime stoppers that week!

He was banned from my car until we got a crelling harness and a Houdini clip and an amazon belt lock, he cannot get out now but he has to be in his seat with no hat or shoes or socks on no toys / bags literally anything in the back with him as he catapults everything from the window when I'm driving.

He hasn't got an ounce of danger awareness, it really is terrifying.

OP I am not qualified to do anything other than send caring support. It must be so hard - the emotional element of being attacked, the constant nature of the worry, the exhaustion....I am so sorry and I am so glad you are getting some progress with the car and other help.

Goldie x

I'm really sorry about what you went through but that's made me feel so terrible.
@HereForTheHelp I sincerely apologize for making you feel terrible when you are already in a tough situation. I just (understandably, I hope) want to offer you the perspective of a sibling. I believe my parents did not think about that - they just looked at things from their perspective as parents who loved their son unconditionally. There is no perfect solution, but I hope I have planted a seed if you need to make a difficult decision in the future. And I really hope you will not need to - may your DS1's behaviour improve as he ages.

Oh OP you have my sympathy. I have three kids and two have asd and adhd (plus many other issues). One is for want of a better description more high functioning. The youngest one is like your son. She’s 6 and very challenging. She has barely any language, no awareness of danger and is a nightmare in the car. She goes for her other sister in the car and finds it funny, hits me regularly and has no understanding of her actions. It’s very very hard.

Could you put a stud wall up in there room to divide it into two? That might give your other child safety. Mine have their own rooms thankfully but youngest doesn’t sleep well at night so I have to listen out in case she goes into her siblings room.

@Wereallsquare I’m so sorry for your experience. I’m very aware of the impact of my children’s younger sibling. And I hate how her behaviours determine and control our lives but I don’t know what other option we have. I have looked at residential but I don’t know how easy it is. Hearing it from a siblings point of view does make me feel awful.

Get a seat guard/dog guard too for the car

Ds went for respite breaks at NAS school geared up for v challenging kids.
I also had direct payments to employ support

There are places
And I know several locally who are happily living in supported living like my adult ds...some with two to one supportt all times
It can be done.
Schools young people settings like
www.priorscourt.org.uk/

And ABA settings(I knowyousaid youdont like the approach but they do take the non verbal challenging child )

And look up Yvonne newbold worshops on dealing with challenging behaviour

And push Pecs and or ipad communication apps and use schedule boards

Have you tried a crawling harness to keep him back in his seat?

I would also look into the possibility of dividing one of your bedrooms in 2 for the safety of your younger child?

Crelling not crawling

I just want to add some solidarity op. I am going through some very similar issues with my ds (4). Someone linked your thread in mine. It's so very very hard and it is very difficult for anyone who hasn't been through it to understand. Lack of sleep is a big issue in out house, which makes it all seem worse.

Crelling harness will be our car pick once ds outgrows his 25kg rear facing minikid, he is huge for his age also so this won't be long. A lot of charities will often help fund a specialist seat though, so might be worth investigating.

I wish I could offer some advice on the violence and behavioural issues but I'll I've got is.

@Wereallsquare

Your experience is identical to my own, I've never read something online that has resonated with me so much. A child with ASD is hard on that child, but it's also hard on the entire family. I truly think it's nearly impossible to strike the correct balance. I always felt on edge and like what I said or did didn't matter. Even now, as an adult, when I visit my parents, I have to leave within 5 minutes if he's home or he has a meltdown because I'm in the house. It's shit I can't even go to my childhood home and sit in peace for half an hour. My life will always be dictated by it, even as a 25 year old homeowner and parent. It's shit. I think it's definitely contributed to a range of depression/anxiety issues growing up.

I couldn't have coped with sharing a bedroom with him. My bedroom was my safe place. Where I could get away from it all. I definitely think separate bedrooms is the only way to go, when I think about it.

@Wereallsquare @PepePig have you got any suggestions for what I could do?
I don't defend his behaviour at all, I'm appalled by it. What I will say is that it's never ever been directed at his younger brother, ever.
He's actually very sweet towards him, when he takes notice of his existence!

Even though he's never shown any interest in harming him, we have taken a tonne of precautions already. They have a fairly 'normal' brotherly relationship I'd say, DS2 is extremely bossy and has no problem shouting at DS1 (for absolutely no reason usually!)

@PepePig keeping in mind that separate rooms just isn't possible and I don't think is needed. DS2 is 3 years old and when they want time apart, it's DS1 that often goes to the bedroom to watch his iPad or whatever.

They're in bunk beds in a small room, I will stress that I do not have any safety concerns about him and his brother BUT we have taken every precaution anyway

@Silencedwitness oh that sounds terrifying and I can imagine the exact scenario of how it happened.

It's so hard to explain, because it's not 'typical' autism. It's not the aggressive lash out you see on a channel 4 documentary, it's completely different. It's almost like he's hyper and having a manic episode. Just laughing and growling not hearing a word anyone is saying.

Apparently he's been doing it in school today too, which is a bit of a relief as I feel they'll understand us more

It's sounds like it's exactly the type of 'aggression' my ds has OP. Never malicious, he hasn't got a nasty bone in his body, hes so loving and cuddly and loves kisses and snuggling up to us, he's just so hyper and gets too overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do and it's almost as if it's automatic to him, he doesn't understand emotions at all as I'm sure your son doesn't. (I'm only assuming here as they sound similarly affected)

Ds can smack me straight in the face when he's excited he hasn't a clue what to do with his emotions.

Really sad.

Hi OP. I work for a children's charity who offer lots of services such as weekend respite, after school clubs etc. The team work with a wide range of disabilities including very high functioning ASD. I know it’s an absolute god send to the parents so I really hope you can find something similar in your area x