My 5 year old just attacked me and I don't think I can take it anymore

[HereForTheHelp]

Sat in the car waiting for DH to come out of the shops, had DS1 who is 5, DS2 who is 3 and my wonderful dog. DS1 sat behind me on the driver side started grabbing the collar of my t-shirt, I asked him to stop and tried to move away and as I did, he started laughing, grabbed my ponytail and my collar more firmly and just pulled all the way back. I couldn't breathe and it hurt so much. My head started to buzz and I honestly didn't know how I'd get out of it as I couldn't reach him. I managed to let out some sort of scream which made the dog bark at DS so he started laughing even more at let go of me where I just opened the car door and scrambled to get out.

He's severely autistic and usually the most loving boy but he always seems to go for me, I'm always his target. He'll jump on me, grab me, kick, punch, pull my hair or just hang off of me. He ALWAYS finds it funny, me screaming in pain just made him laugh harder. It doesn't matter how much I shout or talk calmly, asking him to say sorry (which I know he doesn't understand, but it can help us) he just doesn't get it.

My husband literally heard my scream from the shop (was in the disabled bay right outside a little Tesco and he was in the queue) so he ran outside. I can't stop shaking or crying. He's five but he's already stronger than me and about the height of a 9 year old, I don't know what to do.

I can barely speak my throat hurts so much and he's pulled out a good chunk of my hair so my head is throbbing too. How can I even deal with this, what can we do? It's not as if he's in a rage it's literally just for his enjoyment, he'd been sitting in the car playing with a paper aeroplane seconds before, happy as anything

Some useful links
www.livingmadeeasy.org.uk/scenario.php?csid=163

This might be a cheaper short term option for the car

www.livingmadeeasy.org.uk/children/belts-%26amp;-harnesses-for-vehicles-2824-p/

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. My adopted dd can be like this, she seems to find inflicting pain funny and no amount of consequences make a blind bit of difference as she doesn't see what she does as wrong. Our poor dogs avoid her now and she also killed her sisters hamster - I swear we'll wake up one day with a horses head in the bed next to us.

Get ss and family services involved would be my advice, I presume you also have a pediatrician too? Speak to them also. My dd is now on medication which has helped loads. She's also in a special school so at least I know I'll not have a phone call from school telling me she's kicked off and to collect her.

Owner of two DC who have Autism here ........ he'll be craving your reaction. DD used to deliberately push my buttons because she liked my angry face. I think it's because they struggle to show emotion they like to see it iyswim ?? Basically it's our party piece. So now I remain very flat and monotone.

I think if you change how you react you'll see a big change. Just removing his hands and redirecting him.......also look at a safety screen for your car so he can't physically grab you when you're in a confined space.

Op so sorry you are going through this. Have you thought of respite care?
I used to work in a children's home for children with diagnoses of autism, learning difficulties etc.
We had residential children and also children who would stay on respite.
All staff were highly trained in all aspects. Ask social services about this option as it will give you a break even it's just for one weekend.

You need behaviour support ask school to do home visits
Is it ASD school? What approach do they use?
He wont understand apologies etc it s about getting to the route of the behaviours AVC and working with behaviour specialists
Look into ABA this helped my son tons.
Car:
Crelling harness essential. Use DLA to pay for it call the company to get advice o which obe is best for car and child.

I also fitted a backoffrontseat dog guard £20 from halfirds to stop grabs and flying iPads.
You can change environment to a degree to stop or defend behaviour while working with a behaviour expert to deflect or eliminate

He was reacting to something in him who knows he is not out to attack you...you cant approach with naughty step or "apologies" ...
Behzhiour is communication

And communication is key is school working on PECS or other?

Get onto ss
Ask for care assessment and get care plan into ehcp
Say you want day and overnight respite and why...there are schemes like shared care. Ask for wsy more than you want.

OP that's awful. My dp used to care for young adult with severe autism, 24 hour care for some, and he was attacked several times by one. The boys was a lovely boy, but as you say he was so strong. My dp is a really big guy and he would struggle to restrain him. The last time he was beaten with a metal pole.
Unfortunately, I think learning restraining techniques may be the only thing left to do.
Discipline helped for one of the men he looked after, eg taking TV time away, but it didn't stop the violent outbursts, only persuaded him to do things like brush his teeth.
I hope you can get some help and support OP.

www.crelling.com/products.html

If you look at this he maybe wanted attention
.he doesn't have the words... you said stop (no positive attention) and he didn't understand so he used more physical behaviour ..of course it doesn't always explain easily and ds used to attack his sister...but again this was attention seeking.. we worked with behaviour person on various strategies.
It s hard..you need specialist communication and behaviour support and respite so you can get a break. Look at local offer and criteria and ask for proper breaks. Ds had short breaks someone taking care of him from 5 or 6 and overnight 24 hour breaks care from 10. But you can get more sooner if you shout louder

@Embracelife I'll order a harness today, you're right, it needs to be done.

As for the reaction, maybe? But we've tried this technique over and over and it's our 'go to' to try and stay calm and ask things like 'can I help?' 'What do you need?' Rather than just telling him to stop or to go back to bed etc
With the collar I first asked him if he needed help, he didn't respond (he can say help when he needs it, or sign) then I asked him to stop and tried to keep playing paper aeroplanes with him.

He didn't get to play outside in school that day, maybe that was it. Maybe he didn't like the song that was on in the car, I honestly don't know

Have Social Services done a care assessment? By law they have to do one under section 17 Children Act 1989 - quote that at them if they refuse to do one or suggest he doesn't meet criteria. Emphasise to them that this is a safeguarding issue in relation to your youngest child, and also because DS1 can't be relied on to keep himself safe. Push for the support that EmbraceLife refers to.

@Embracelife yes he's in a specialist SEN school specifically for ASD. They do lots of therapy but ABA is not one of them and respectfully it's not something we would consider either.

His school is theoretically amazing, but in February this year DS' class teacher physically assaulted him by elbowing him in the head. This is under criminal investigation and in court in January.
That incident set off a whole host of behaviour issues with DS (obviously) and the school weren't terribly supportive for us then so I can't see them being here for us now if you know what I mean?

Ask social services about things like an effective car seat/harness and equipment and adaptations to keep your younger child safe at night.

Cunts. Utter cunts. That kind of thing makes me so angry — your poor boy. Presumably it was during a restraint or excused as such? Being abusively restrained is one of the most horrible experiences you can have (well, being restrained at all is horrible, but I recognise that in some situations it could be necessary… but professionals should be doing it in the least harmful and distressing way possible).

It can hard to identify the why and to stoo a behaviour.... you can adjust environment (harness and barriers)..get support so you can have an extra adult when you go out...etc.

What behaviour approach does the school use ?
Is there any key staff you can go to ? Do they do home visits?
Do they offer any parent courses on restraint techniques or communication or other?
What respite is available locally? Does the school have parent group where you can find out? Or local parent partnership?
Ask SS children with disabilities what they commission locally . What support would help? Another adult for when you go out? Dropping ds iff on a saturday somewhere? Shared care with a foster carer? Residential school mon to friday ?

Challenging behaviour foundation may also be helpful.

Ss wont fund crelling harness .
Use DLA or charity funding e.g. family fund if low income.
OT might advise on home adaptations eg safe space but again you may need to apply for charity funding.
Ask on SEN boards here or autism ones

Have you sought medical advice on your I injuries? Your sore thrust indicates you've been rather badly hurt. You might also want to consider that medical records supporting how he harms you may assist you in getting additional support... And your GP may be able to give some referrals?

@LastMichaelmas unfortunately no it wasn't, I wish it was. He took DS out of assembly, was holding his hand, DS was walking normally, then teacher raised his elbow and elbowed him in the side of the head.
Teacher was spotted by two LSA's through a glass pane in the door, thank god they reported it. There's also a third witness who reported the teachers aggressive behaviour before the event.

@Embracelife school use a lot of sensory integration and distraction. I don't particularly agree with the distract as I think he'll never learn his behaviour was negative. There's no support from school outside of school hours, it's a private set up so not sure if that makes a difference to how Sen state schools are usually run?

There's ASD charities by us who are very active, the problem is is that their voice is a lot louder than people like ours and they campaign for autism that we don't even recognise. We've been to a few of their events that offer support but they don't seem to have experience with children like DS? All the other children that attend the groups speak and communicate (for example) so I don't think they're used to the other end of the spectrum.

I'm phoning social services today to get more advice on what help is available. I've lost count of the amount of times I've googled 'ASD care in my area'

@Embracelife I've ordered harness today, thankfully we're not super low income and he gets full whack DLA. God knows what I'd do if we couldn't afford to do this. (Or replace all the stuff he breaks!)

@TwattingDog do you think? My throat is sore this morning and there's a nice red line on my neck but it's more friction burn where the fabric has rubbed I think

OP have you tried Contingency Mapping with him? It's a form of social story specially for addressing unwanted behaviours. I'm currently on a course learning about it and I've found it really helps DS to understand.

Strangulation is serious, and can cause massive internal damage. I don't want to overstate the effects, but they can be pretty bad. You really should get seen by your GP, and absolutely ask for an emergency same day appointment. Today.

Documenting these things is also important as it supports your case that the violence is increasingly high.

Ay yi yi. Sounds like my DD over the summer. At one point she punched me in the face. Its like once they start, they do not know how to stop and the laughing is a trigger of anxiety/nervousness. I understand that but I refused to let this continue to grow. She only thinks she can attack me when we have an audience and thinks I won't react, well now I react. If I'm sitting and she comes for me, I stand up immediately and face her, she backs down straight away. If we're outside and she tries to attack, I have zero problems moving her away firmly and putting on my loudest authoritative voice. She immediately cools her pits. These kids are strong and very persistent but you have to be too! (Sorry if I've cross posted with anyone but I didn't want to read and run)

Wow. That's… inexplicably bad. I'm used to them doing it when they can use the excuse that they thought you were going to do something, or that it just happened during a restraint, but that? Just despicable. Knowing DS wouldn't be able to tell anyone. I'm so glad the other staff didn't decide to keep it quiet or completely close ranks.

I'm sorry, I'm digressing on your thread a bit, when you only mentioned it to help contextualise something else. It's just… I have personal experience of abusive staff so I'm livid on your son's (and your) behalf. But my being livid doesn't help you at all, so I'll stop talking about it.

Oh and I totally get what you're saying about focus swinging away from people with high support needs…

I think it's important that people like me get the help we need, of course I do, and that people whose autism isn't so immediately obvious are properly recognised

But that's only a part of the story! The thing about autism is, I know for many people who look after those with high support needs, it seems we're talking about totally different conditions from those who get called "high functioning". But I, and some other autistic people with lower support needs that I've spoken to, have an instinctive feeling of kinship with all autistic people. When I meet one, somehow there's a feeling of my mind slotting together with a similar one, if you know what I mean. Verbal or not, challenging behaviour or not, apparently ignoring everyone or not… like they're all my clan, kind of. So it upsets me massively when some of us, like your DS, are passed over because, I dunno, not the fashion at the moment? Not heartwarming enough for a Guardian article? Harder to provide enough help for?

I really hope you can get some help soon. It must be so frustrating and worrying for your family to be in this situation and just left to get on with it.