My 5 year old just attacked me and I don't think I can take it anymore

[HereForTheHelp]

Sat in the car waiting for DH to come out of the shops, had DS1 who is 5, DS2 who is 3 and my wonderful dog. DS1 sat behind me on the driver side started grabbing the collar of my t-shirt, I asked him to stop and tried to move away and as I did, he started laughing, grabbed my ponytail and my collar more firmly and just pulled all the way back. I couldn't breathe and it hurt so much. My head started to buzz and I honestly didn't know how I'd get out of it as I couldn't reach him. I managed to let out some sort of scream which made the dog bark at DS so he started laughing even more at let go of me where I just opened the car door and scrambled to get out.

He's severely autistic and usually the most loving boy but he always seems to go for me, I'm always his target. He'll jump on me, grab me, kick, punch, pull my hair or just hang off of me. He ALWAYS finds it funny, me screaming in pain just made him laugh harder. It doesn't matter how much I shout or talk calmly, asking him to say sorry (which I know he doesn't understand, but it can help us) he just doesn't get it.

My husband literally heard my scream from the shop (was in the disabled bay right outside a little Tesco and he was in the queue) so he ran outside. I can't stop shaking or crying. He's five but he's already stronger than me and about the height of a 9 year old, I don't know what to do.

I can barely speak my throat hurts so much and he's pulled out a good chunk of my hair so my head is throbbing too. How can I even deal with this, what can we do? It's not as if he's in a rage it's literally just for his enjoyment, he'd been sitting in the car playing with a paper aeroplane seconds before, happy as anything

Could you look at adapted vehicles that you could get via his DLA mobility so he could be sat somewhere nearer the back where he couldn't reach the driver?

For other instances where you could be attacked from behind, is there different clothing you could wear so if he pulled on it you wouldn't be choked? Adapt shirts so the buttons would conceal poppers maybe that would come undone with a tug.

How about styling your hair in a bun or other style where there's less for him to grab so easily?

Do you have access to a specialist OT? They may be able to recommend something that other parents in your situation have found helpful.

this sounds so scary.
What is the outlook for a child so severely affected?
I don't understand why the NHS doesn't have help for you? or is it the council?
you can't be attacked like this. Are you safe?
what does your DH think?
so sorry you have a lot to cope with I don't know what I would do.

I have some acquaintances whose children are severely affected by autism and I'm afraid the only answer was specialist residential care (one is in Australia where specialist fostering/open adoption is far more accepted than here). I do think we expect far too much of parents when we assume they are able to pick up the complex caring skills needed to give these children a decent quality of life. to you. It sucks when being a hero is part of your job description.

@BlankTimes he has DLA awarded on the highest rates until he's 16, I think he's the only child I've ever heard of getting that. I often feel guilty about it because 'technically' he can walk but you'd just never see him again if you expected him to walk like a typical 5 year old.

We do have a notability vehicle but we have another 18 months before we can change it

I usually do have my hair in a bun, I feel so stupid that I didn't. I usually remember to bring my head rest down so there's no gap but he was in such a good mood that it didn't even cross my mind.

He usually is sat behind my husband but we had an issue with the seatbelts so he had to be behind me whilst DS2 used the isofix point. I feel like an idiot.

He's previously thrown entire bottles of milk and water over me whilst I'm driving, it's a miracle I've not been in an accident. Even when he's not directly behind me, he often leans forward and grabs my arm or whatever else he can reach.

Ideally we need a 5 point harness seat but the only one that seems to exist is the £600 and we just can't afford that right now. Short term, DH is going to sit in the back with him and DS2 up front with me.

My neck doesn't look too bad this morning, more like a friction burn I think? Luckily it's where the skin creases slightly so it won't be noticeable to anybody else. My throat is still really sore though and my head is throbbing

Please ignore this if it's insensitive/inappropriate/irrelevant. I am extremely aware that your DS's autism is very different from mine; I have the type that gets called "high-functioning". But there are a few similarities about the experience from the inside, sometimes…

What jumped out at me about the things you mentioned him doing is that a lot of them a) involve using muscles hard against resistance and b) result in an immediate, sudden and out of the ordinary sensory experience (like hearing screaming, from a face that looks a bit different). Using a muscle really hard — the resistance kind of use, rather than the cardio kind — feels… I don't know how to describe it; just really good. It's sensorily-stimulating but also calming. Like stretching first thing in the morning. The thing where people rotate their hands is one way of getting that feeling. It's much like the effect of weighted things, but better, especially if you're het-up for some reason. Do any of the sensory tools you're trying in that situation have that hard muscle-exertion effect?

Like I said, please ignore this if it's irrelevant or insensitive.

Could you try Family Fund for help with/towards costs for a specialist seatbelt?

My heart goes out to you - I've experienced VCB from my child too, and what it puts you through physically and emotionally is indescribable. I also second the above recommendation for Yvonne Newbold's FB page for support and resources.

So sorry. I echo what a pp said.. I don't see how you can continue like this long term. I see residential care as the way forward which is heartbreaking. Regarding car seats, would the axkid minikid work for you or is it too small? It's extended rear facing with 5 point harness. Goes to 25kg. But he may be too tall if already as tall as a 9 year old.

You need to take his brother out of his bedr9om.

That sounds incredibly difficult.

How heavy is your son for the car seat - you can
get harnessed forward facing seats that go up to 25kg fairly cheaply? Have you contacted the In Car Safety Centre for advice, they provide telephone advice amd specialise in car seats for those with additional needs? They would also be able to recommend the best seat for your DS2 to go in the front seat. As a first step you need to check what your car hand book says - some cars don't allow forward facing children in the front seat (ours doesn't), ours does allow rear facing there as long as the air bag is switched off.

You need to take his brother out of his bedroom
Are both children ‘locked’ behind the tall safety gate? This sounds risky, unless I’ve misunderstood. Sorry for your troubles, OP.

@Teddyreddy he's over 25kg already, has been for quite some time. There's nothing of him, it's just the height and pure muscle. But thank you, I'm going to look into that today, I'm also going to see if there's any possibility of changing our notability car to a seven seater so he can have his own row in the back

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I wish it were that simple, god I do. We're about 2 paces away from his room, we sleep with our door open and we've recently got a motion alarm mat. He sleeps on the top bunk so the moment his feet land off the ladder it sounds an alarm so we instantly wake up. It's the only thing that lets me sleep at night.
He's never ever gone for his brother, but it's obviously not something we've ruled out and we take every safeguarding precaution we can.

@LastMichaelmas I think you're right, it does feel good for him because it's never ever out of anger he's just manically happy. I'm going to speak to school again today, I've been asking to meet with OT for so long but there's been a staff change and it's not been possible

Hi op have you tried advertising within the school for out of school care? I work in a special school and many staff work out of hours with children who attend and parents often put job adverts in the staff room.

You can also get things to adapt seatbelts so that children can't lean forward and grab (they are used on the buses at work sometimes). Other things we use are gym balls that children can bounce on, roll on or be squashed by to give sensory feedback as well as body socks, vibrating cushions and chews.

I hope things get better for you.

@PenelopeFlintstone well technically, yes, but DS1 can open it now so its absolutely useless. We're just going to go back to a single one for when DS2 is playing up there when we tidy up etc.
We're relying on a motion sensor mat at the moment, so any moment on the floor is met by a big alarm. Thankfully we're only about 2 paces away from their bedroom and we sleep with the doors open (downstairs doors all closed in case of fire) the only electricals we have on overnight is the movement sensor

@Ivebeentohellanditscalledikea I've tried, desperately but no takers so far. I think the fact he requires 1:1 care and can't go on outdoor trips is really holding us back from finding someone because where do they take him?

The times we need respite is usually time to sleep, clean, fix up the house so ideally he wouldn't be at home whilst we were doing this

OP have you looked at a Crelling harness for the car? This might be a cheaper option for you.

You are right, you need to anticipate that something might happen, even if he seems calm, and plan accordingly.

It must be very hard

How shit. My heart hurts for you. I don't know what to suggest. My son can be very aggressive too. Not SN.
I have recently been using diversion techniques with him when I see him starting to get angry or frustrated instead of trying to reason with him.
Can you get a seatbelt securer for him so he can't undo his belt in the car?
Have you given him headphones with a story coming out of them xxx

Popped on to suggest crelling harness, safe space, he cannot share with his brother, and start harassing SS for respite services.
Use your own gp for support and inform them you are at breaking point.
You can apply for many grants for equipment - do you have an snhv or SW? Is he under the CWD team? Be the squeaky wheel. You need support, and you need help in the form of better equipment as well as respite, in order to keep you and your other child safe.

Contact the Learning Disabilities team. They can be extremely useful. They can point you in the direction of respite care too.
In terms of safety, this is something you can't put a price on. You need to beg, steal or borrow money for a proper car seat that will keep him safely restrained. Contact local charities. If you have to, set up a go fund page! I know I'd donate to this sort of thing!
OP, I really feel for you and your family. You've got a long hard slog ahead of you, so also look at ways of giving yourself a break sometimes. Join support groups, knock on every charity door you can. Go back to your GP and ask for a referral to CAHMS. Very often, ASD is comorbid with ADHD, and this needs checking out.
What you need to remember in terms of safety in the car, is that he MUST NOT be placed behind the driver, under any circumstances, as if he had grabbed you when you were actually driving the result could be catastrophic. Your other child will be more safe in a rear facing front seat away from his brother. You have to weigh up the risk. Also, check very carefully what he can reach in the car, and remove things from his reach so he can't get hold and throw them at the driver or other passengers.
I'm sure it's exhausting having to preemp every eventuality, especially as he's calm lots of the time, but you can't ever let your guard down.
Try to hold on to the fact that your DS wasn't attacking you as such, which you seem to have acknowledged. I hope things get better for you and you can get the support your family absolutely need. Sometimes, money isn't the solution, it's bodies and time.

Just found these safety shields! They might be a better idea until you can replace your car?
www.drivershields.co.uk

I don't have any advice, but feel so very sorry for you. It must be so difficult. Hugs

@Soontobe60 thank you, that's really helpful. We're usually SO prepared, we've been lulled into a false sense of security the last few months because his behaviour has been more even.

Today I'm going to look at/talk to:

• Social Services for an urgent referral, it's time to admit that we need extra support

• Motability to see how easy it would be to change the car

• The motability garage to see if there's a car that even exists

• The car seat people to see if there's grants available

• That car guard is amazing and I will be contacting them!

As for him and his brother sharing a room, there's just no other option at the moment. I've just bought another security camera that works with Alexa so I can see him at all times and he hasn't figured out that the motion mat is under the rug, so that's a big weight off my mind as it really does work.

@nachthexe is the crelling harness safe in the case of emergency? We have a buckle guard and a tonne of notices on the car saying he's autistic and doesn't understand, plus we have the key to get out the guard clearly labelled and have numerous seatbelt cutters. I really panic that if we were in an accident we wouldn't be able to get him out quickly enough.

Op I’m not sure I have any helpful advice but one thing that stuck me was could you increase your own strength so you have more resources to get out of a situation? Weight training for example.
Also could you move him so that he isn’t sitting behind the driver? He is behind the passenger. And maybe a new rule that when possible you are never in the car alone’with him.

Can your 3 year old not sleep in the room with you?

You poor thing. Your poor ds too. It's difficult. Your ds doesn't understand. You need the tools to help him understand what he's doing is wrong, it could be a case that he'll never understand so it will be a case of you learning to survive his attacks.

I say this sitting here with a black eye having been head butted yesterday. Every month I've some sort of injury. My dd is severely disabled, one of her many conditions means she is violent at times. She doesn't understand, she has no communication skills, she's as strong as an ox. It's a the working of their little brains and it can be devastating being on the receiving end. We've done all the weighted jackets etc nothing worked. Trying to communicate with her makes her lash out more. My final point was when she broke my nose. I asked her social worker for help because as she gets older she gets stronger. We're currently on the waiting list to see a child psychologist, seemingly they can help hugely. Teach us to deal with her behaviour and help her understand what she is doing is wrong, while she doesn't know right from wrong at 12 years of age I'm willing to try anything. We know sometimes it's a case of their medications that cause behaviour issues and she is on alot but it will be good to get a person who is highly educated in this area their professional opinion on what they think it is.

Might be something to consider? I feel your pain. It's hard. As the years go on you learn the times to avoid contact with them, you learn where to seat them, you find little tips and tricks that keep them occupied while you do every day things.

I feel for you op. My son was the same. It was always directed at me and his sister.