My 5 year old just attacked me and I don't think I can take it anymore

[HereForTheHelp]

Sat in the car waiting for DH to come out of the shops, had DS1 who is 5, DS2 who is 3 and my wonderful dog. DS1 sat behind me on the driver side started grabbing the collar of my t-shirt, I asked him to stop and tried to move away and as I did, he started laughing, grabbed my ponytail and my collar more firmly and just pulled all the way back. I couldn't breathe and it hurt so much. My head started to buzz and I honestly didn't know how I'd get out of it as I couldn't reach him. I managed to let out some sort of scream which made the dog bark at DS so he started laughing even more at let go of me where I just opened the car door and scrambled to get out.

He's severely autistic and usually the most loving boy but he always seems to go for me, I'm always his target. He'll jump on me, grab me, kick, punch, pull my hair or just hang off of me. He ALWAYS finds it funny, me screaming in pain just made him laugh harder. It doesn't matter how much I shout or talk calmly, asking him to say sorry (which I know he doesn't understand, but it can help us) he just doesn't get it.

My husband literally heard my scream from the shop (was in the disabled bay right outside a little Tesco and he was in the queue) so he ran outside. I can't stop shaking or crying. He's five but he's already stronger than me and about the height of a 9 year old, I don't know what to do.

I can barely speak my throat hurts so much and he's pulled out a good chunk of my hair so my head is throbbing too. How can I even deal with this, what can we do? It's not as if he's in a rage it's literally just for his enjoyment, he'd been sitting in the car playing with a paper aeroplane seconds before, happy as anything

@HereForTheHelp

If it's working at the minute then that's great. I'd just be vigilant and as soon as you suspect that things might turn the other way, then intervene. For me, I don't think I personally felt the "wrath" until I was 10 or so. So you, hopefully, will have a few years to plan for if things didn't go as smoothly.

Also, when your second child gets older, definitely make time for 1 on 1. I didn't get a lot of that time and I felt awfully lonely at times. It's tough when school work ramps up and you feel like home is stressful and you can't focus properly. Always on edge for that next meltdown. Getting getting yourself dragging him off your mum who's on the floor . That's why I'd definitely prioritise separate rooms down the line when you can. Just having somewhere where you can lock the door and be 'safe'. Have nice things that can't get broken. A study area to work from. Etc.

Also, I'm not saying you aren't doing a good job/these things. You sound like you're going great . There's so many ifs and buts, it's impossible to get it right all the time.

I haven’t read the whole thread, so apologies if someone’s already suggested this, but — for my daughter, whose behaviour is very like your son’s, we have a Britax Traveller Elite seat - up to 35kg with a five-point harness. We got a grant for it from the Newlife Charity. We had to make a contribution but the grant covered a hefty portion of the cost of the seat.

newlifecharity.co.uk/

I looked into a Crelling harness when I was at my wits’ end but the salesperson I spoke to said a harness isn’t great if you’re going to have trouble getting the child into it, as it’s more fiddly than strapping them into a car seat.

I also agree with what a PP said about trying not to react to the behaviour. My DD loves to get a reaction and finds any sort of shouting funny, so she just gets more overexcited. I know it’s really, really hard when you’re being grabbed by the neck from behind but it does seem to help a bit.

gets too overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do and it's almost as if it's automatic to him

Exactly.. it s sensory it's a reflex it s not easy for him to control...
Ask for help from OT from SLT on communication from psychology....some sensory stuff they grow out of or learn to deal with. Or for example wearing headphones. A behaviour support person should have a variety of ideas to try.

@PepePig I feel for you.
@HereForTheHelp I feel for you too. I can only suggest that you listen to your DS2, make him a priority, and take his feelings/socialization into account in the decisions you make for your family. Take good care of yourself too.

How are things xxx