Awkward situation with my boss sending me inappropriate messages

[onegreenoneblue]

I would really appreciate some perspectives on this situation with my boss.

For context, we're been working together about 3 years and while he is technically my superior, we are on a similar level. The main difference is that he is the department head and I'm a contractor... so although he doesn't really manage me as such on a day to day level, he is in charge of renewing my contract.

So we've always got along super well, we have complementary skills and have build a great relationship/trust... and he is very much a mr nice guy who everyone loves. Our relationship has always been very jokey and informal, and so possibly this has started sooner than I noticed.

A couple of months ago he started making sexual references/paying me compliments via text message-TBH I didn't think a whole lot of it to being with, I thought he was just being daft and tried to deflect his comments. i didn't immediately call him out on it, and I didn't take it seriously-I now realise this was my mistake as I think he basically took this as encouragement/that I enjoyed it,

I basically didn't want to upset the balance of our relationship by getting all serious.

Anyway, as the weeks went by the messages have got more and more frequent and they are making me massively uncomfortable now...I have asked him to stop several times, in all kinds of different ways-in a 'look, stop this nonsense, can't we just go back to normal please' to more serious. Whenever I do this, he refers back to the times in the beginning when I supposedly encouraged him. I find this really maddening because I didn't mean to, but even if I did-I am now telling him to stop and he won't.

He usually agrees to stop after these exchanges, but then starts up again-sometimes even later in the same day.

I work in a very small industry and I don't know what to do about this because I don't want to become embroiled in a sexual harassment case-I just haven't got the energy or inclination to make a massive deal out of this. I just want him to stop. I don't really want to leave as I enjoy my job and love the rest of the team and I guess I'm concerned that if I threaten to tell HR, he will end my contract. Ugh.

Any advice would be really appreciated

Meant to mention too, that we are both married

He’s put you in such an unfair situation. The reality is he’s probably not going to stop (the stuff about you “encouraging him” tells me that) and there really isn’t much you can do about it given what you’ve said. Is there a champion anywhere else in the business who will back you?

If not hard and unfair as it is you’d be better just trying to ignore it as much as possible and find another role.

Thanks @Keepingthingsinteresting ignoring it is probably the best strategy...I'm trying to do that more. I think he's basically trying to get a reaction out of me, and whatever I say he seems to twist it. At least if I ignore those messages maybe he'll tire of it.

It's just so hard as in the meantime we also need to work together, and sit next to each other in the office 😩

Would blocking his messages help? Then you won't know what he's saying. And make sure you're never alone with him

I assume you cannot block his number for work reasons? Could you try answering every time with something like "I find this message really inappropriate and it makes me very uncomfortable. I am asking you to stop." I think on a level he must think you really like these messages, so try hammering it home that you don't like them. If that doesn't work, then HR might be the next stop.

I would reply and say you have double checked and you can’t see anywhere that you have encouraged him and that certainly would never have been your intention. Then ignore every single inappropriate message he sends you.

Block him from your personal number. Record any messages on your work number. Get enough evidence and then report him. If he stops with you, it is likely he will message someone else. You won't be the first or last person and he is unlikely to stop.

Yeah I can't really block his number for work reasons.

The thing that makes this so tricky, is that on the face of it we are still getting on well at work-no-one would have a clue there was a problem.

I probably haven't handled this well and have minimised it for too long...So it does make it hard to then go to HR. The extra complication of course is that I'm a comtractor and he's a senior leader in the business...I mean, obviously no one should be subject to sexual harrassment, but it changes the dimensions a little if you see what I mean.

I basically think if I go to HR I will need to leave, as we can't carry on working together after I've done that. And if I'm going to have to leave anyway, then maybe I should just go without the hassle of making a compliant to HR?!

Tell HR. Absolutely. And hang on to your job. Raise with HR the issue of him being the one to renew your contract and immediately request that changes to someone else.

Get everything in writing - if you have screenshots of messages send them ALL. Tell HR you will be talking with a solicitor.

You don’t have to be the one leaving. He is doing the wrong thing.

And anyone and everyone will understand the fact that at first you tried to laugh it off/deflect it/not make a big deal about it but it didn’t work and it’s kept on happening.

The reality is this guy is not your friend, he doesn’t care about you or your boundaries, he’s a sleazy entitled another-one-of-those-depressing-men, and you must protect yourself and your interests seriously and fully in line with your self-respect.

This matters. It really matters that men do not do this to women. It really matters that you keep your job because you deserve to. You matter.

It doesn't matter if you did 'encourage him' in the beginning. Now you are asking him to stop, and that's the only thing that's relevant.

Tell him you and your husband get a right giggle from reading his texts together at the end of each day.

Keep adding people (your MIL, the postman, the lady on the checkout) until he begins to worry it’ll be work colleagues or his wife next.

Having been through a situation where I wish I had evidence of certain behaviour (bullying, not sexual) - keep all his messages and make notes of dates, witnesses, things he's said etc. If you do decide to take it further it will help you. Ps If it comes to it, I believe the time limit on going for unfair dismissal is three months. Hopefully you won't need any of that but if you do, it's certainly not your fault.

It is so hard, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it, but the reality is it will likely be easier to get rid of you than him and just not renew your contract. I think you’ve made it clear that you aren’t interested and so do that firmly but without threats or dramatics & ignore- the sitting next to him every day at work is so uncomfortable- but ignore as much as you can.
Hopefully- as awful as it is to say- he’ll get bored and move on to the next thing....aresehole.

*constructive dismissal not unfair dismissal sorry. Tired.

Agree with PP - tell HR. Request a possible shift to someone else renewing contract if possible?
Even if you end up leaving (and you shouldn't) he needs to be reported as he could do this again or worse.

I know this is kind of the chicken's way out but I kind of see this in a similar way to @Keepingthingsinteresting .

If it were anyone else, I would of course be saying they MUST go to HR- but I genuinely don't think I can face it. Partly because I think he'll manipulate the situation (easy for him to do when this behaviour is totally out of line with the rest of his demeanour-people will struggle to get their heads around it). Plus the fact that I'm a contractor.

This is such a small industry and everyone knows everyone-if I make a big thing of it, people at all the other companies I would go to will hear about it too. I know that doesn't mean I should let him get away with it, just thinking about me personally and what I can face. Life is stressful enough with work and kids I'm not sure I can bear to take this on...

Get angry. Send him a deadly cold and clear response to pack this shit in otherwise you will send the screenshots of his messages to other colleagues / HR. How fucking dare he do this to you?

I hear you. So don’t take this on. You’re going to have to put up your boundaries with him and either ignore the messages or reply asking him to stop, every time. Then just continue on as best you can.

Depressing that you should have to do this, but it is what it is....

@onegreenoneblue completely ignore his messages and even block him on WhatsApp. If he needs to contact you for some reason, he can ring.

You can just tell him you've stopped using WhatsApp that much and block his ass on it.

One other idea is bringing in your husband into the picture more by making sure he is there to pick you up a few times after work or joins you down the pub for any after work drinks. Talk about your husband more at work too. Definitely have husband go to the Christmas party and let your husband know this guy has a crush on you and it's awkward. I'm sure your husband is reasonable enough to know how to handle himself and make his presence known.

You have to commit to ignoring him. Remain friendly at work.. you could even tell him you're trying to give up electronic devices for December or something. I know people who have done this for real. Yes, it may be a thinly veiled excuse but it will give him a way out of his ridiculous behaviour without losing face.

You can handle this on your own but it's important you tell your husband and also maybe a mutual friend at work, just in case he decides to get rapey!!

Even better, pretend your husband has picked up your phone and just replied to him 😂😂😂

Be like "Clare has just gone out and left her phone behind. Who is this? You're speaking to her husband, Jack."

That should get him shitting his pants.

I get your dilemma. What you should be able to do in theory doesn't come without repercussions for you.

Do you think it would work if you reply with "pack this shit in. I am discouraging you. I shouldn't have to say pretty please with a cherry on top, ok?" .

If it doesn't work, then yes, go to HR because your options are minimal.

I'm not sure trying to use the husband is a goer. It isn't allowing the OP to draw her own boundaries. The harrassing prick could just tell himself that the OP is up for it.

Make sure you screen shot all the messages. You might end up needing proof. Tell him you’ll show them his wife if he continues. You should have dealt with this before it got to this stage but I understand why it’s been difficult. Good luck but you need to take some affirmative action now.