Awkward situation with my boss sending me inappropriate messages

[onegreenoneblue]

I would really appreciate some perspectives on this situation with my boss.

For context, we're been working together about 3 years and while he is technically my superior, we are on a similar level. The main difference is that he is the department head and I'm a contractor... so although he doesn't really manage me as such on a day to day level, he is in charge of renewing my contract.

So we've always got along super well, we have complementary skills and have build a great relationship/trust... and he is very much a mr nice guy who everyone loves. Our relationship has always been very jokey and informal, and so possibly this has started sooner than I noticed.

A couple of months ago he started making sexual references/paying me compliments via text message-TBH I didn't think a whole lot of it to being with, I thought he was just being daft and tried to deflect his comments. i didn't immediately call him out on it, and I didn't take it seriously-I now realise this was my mistake as I think he basically took this as encouragement/that I enjoyed it,

I basically didn't want to upset the balance of our relationship by getting all serious.

Anyway, as the weeks went by the messages have got more and more frequent and they are making me massively uncomfortable now...I have asked him to stop several times, in all kinds of different ways-in a 'look, stop this nonsense, can't we just go back to normal please' to more serious. Whenever I do this, he refers back to the times in the beginning when I supposedly encouraged him. I find this really maddening because I didn't mean to, but even if I did-I am now telling him to stop and he won't.

He usually agrees to stop after these exchanges, but then starts up again-sometimes even later in the same day.

I work in a very small industry and I don't know what to do about this because I don't want to become embroiled in a sexual harassment case-I just haven't got the energy or inclination to make a massive deal out of this. I just want him to stop. I don't really want to leave as I enjoy my job and love the rest of the team and I guess I'm concerned that if I threaten to tell HR, he will end my contract. Ugh.

Any advice would be really appreciated

@onegreenoneblue, just seen your past about the Christmas party. Unless you'll have someone with you all the time, I just wouldn't go.
I got cornered when I was alone, so no witnesses, and as I was worse for wear (stupid of me, I know!), I wasn't so able to fend him off, and I really think this just encouraged him more.

I called out a work colleague on inappropriate text messages. Not as explicit or numerous as the ones here but they were making me feel uncomfortable. His reaction was dismissive, excuses for the wording he used, just 'his way' blah blah, followed by hurt that I was 'accusing him of something' and responsible for damaging our working relationship.
The only point that landed, and I saw him physically step back when I made it, was when I said my husband was not happy about his behaviour.
I absolutely hated saying it. My feelings alone should absolutely be reason enough for him to stop. But he was such a sexist git only the feelings of another man made him think twice about what he was doing.

@Bambii is right and I know women who have experienced the same and a message from dp/dh to the creep, stops the behaviour instantly.

I suspect he has done it to other women too....and he gets away with it because they too think nice bloke etc...

Buy a cheap 'work phone', make it clear the phone will be turned off from 6pm-8am (or whenever you're not working). Make it clear that this is the only way you will be contacted, and all messages will be saved.

Block him on your personal phone.

I suspect he has done it to other women too....and he gets away with it because they too think nice bloke etc...
Yup. The colleague in my situation was a 'nice guy', had helped me out in the past, generally regarded as charming. But also, so I discovered, had 'form' for this kind of thing.

This isn't about getting her husband to 'sort it out'.

He wouldn't be 'sorting it out'.

He'd just be saying 'Clare's out for the evening, this is Jack, she'll reply when when she gets home'.

How is that 'sorting it out'?

It's not. It's simply making the dickhead aware that other people are reading his stupid messages. It's about embarrassing or shaming him into stopping.

It's not about a knight in shining armour saving the damsel who can't sort out her own problems.

The OP wants this to stop. She wants a low drama solution, given that she's a contractor and doesn't want to jeopardise a good gig.

This ^^ is the way to do that.

@MerchantOfVenom exactly!! This is the best course of action. It will shut it down without any dramas.

@MerchantOfVenom

Yes, this!

It's got the right balance and will close everything down without any drama. There is no need to be rude in the text or involve HR or wife!

He will be so mortified. He will stop.

I agree the innocent neutral message from the husband one plausible evening is the way to close this down without ramifications. It doesn't even have to be in response to a suggestive text. It would be enough for the creep to know that any of his texts might be read.

Or just punch him in the face? Make sure there are no witnesses. When he complains just repeat his excuses back to him. Keep up the best buddies act and pretend he's joking about.
Only half joking here. In actuality I would probably get frosty silent and try to move teams. Or burst into angry, impotent tears.
Utterly infuriating. Good luck.

I said before and I'll say again, this sounds compulsive to me. If I were you I'd log it with local police.

How's it been?

Thanks for asking @Knowhowufeel ... it's actually been ok since our last exchange-so hoping it continues this way!!

Join a union before doing anything.

@onegreenoneblue

That's great, but from my experience, which I posted about above (2/12/19 @ 15.54), it may just be a lull in the storm, if you know what I mean, so just be aware.
Mine will go quiet for 2-6weeks at a time and then more messages will pop up out of nowhere.
It feels like I'm lulled into a false sense of security, only for it to start up again once I start to relax.

I'm dealing with it by burying my head in the sand as I don't really know what else to do.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that yours has finally got the message though.