Awkward situation with my boss sending me inappropriate messages

[onegreenoneblue]

I would really appreciate some perspectives on this situation with my boss.

For context, we're been working together about 3 years and while he is technically my superior, we are on a similar level. The main difference is that he is the department head and I'm a contractor... so although he doesn't really manage me as such on a day to day level, he is in charge of renewing my contract.

So we've always got along super well, we have complementary skills and have build a great relationship/trust... and he is very much a mr nice guy who everyone loves. Our relationship has always been very jokey and informal, and so possibly this has started sooner than I noticed.

A couple of months ago he started making sexual references/paying me compliments via text message-TBH I didn't think a whole lot of it to being with, I thought he was just being daft and tried to deflect his comments. i didn't immediately call him out on it, and I didn't take it seriously-I now realise this was my mistake as I think he basically took this as encouragement/that I enjoyed it,

I basically didn't want to upset the balance of our relationship by getting all serious.

Anyway, as the weeks went by the messages have got more and more frequent and they are making me massively uncomfortable now...I have asked him to stop several times, in all kinds of different ways-in a 'look, stop this nonsense, can't we just go back to normal please' to more serious. Whenever I do this, he refers back to the times in the beginning when I supposedly encouraged him. I find this really maddening because I didn't mean to, but even if I did-I am now telling him to stop and he won't.

He usually agrees to stop after these exchanges, but then starts up again-sometimes even later in the same day.

I work in a very small industry and I don't know what to do about this because I don't want to become embroiled in a sexual harassment case-I just haven't got the energy or inclination to make a massive deal out of this. I just want him to stop. I don't really want to leave as I enjoy my job and love the rest of the team and I guess I'm concerned that if I threaten to tell HR, he will end my contract. Ugh.

Any advice would be really appreciated

The situation will not improve

I would keep all the messages and threaten to show them to his wife unless he stops. I have had this in the past (before texting) and I simply told the man I didn't find him attractive so to stop bothering me! He was older than me and I had a boyfriend who was my age so why would I be interested in him. My boyfriend at the time nearly came into work to confront him about his sexual harassment .

I think you confidentially need to speak to HR and tell them you're also concerned as he will be in charge of reappointing you're contract so you're in fear of your job and what can be done?
Keep all messages
Respond appropriately 'message inappropriate, please keep this professional, thanks'

You say my husbands been through my phone and thinks you’re messages are inappropriate

Don't do this OP - it would make you look like some down-trodden submissive, who's husband checks her phone, and who'd happily be 'bantering' with him, if it weren't for her over-bearing controlling husband.

The OP thinks the messages are inappropriate. That's all that matters, surely?

I agree more with @Bambii's approach, as it's believable enough (left phone behind, message pings), it's completely low drama and un-inflammatory, but will leave boss man feeling mortified.

I'm also sure you won't - but do not send any screen shots to his wife, for the love of God.

Seriously people - this has to be handled in a sensible way. It's a small industry, and the OP doesn't want to completely jeopardise her future career options. She's going to rely on, if not this numpty, then at least this employer, for a reference.

Heads screwed on, people - this isn't some hammed-up drama just for your entertainment.

Another one who likes ebambis approach. And if it doesn’t work you haven’t done yourself any damage and can try another method.

If it doesn’t work I’d leave but do an informal file note to HR.
And at the Xmas party I would be tee total and make it clear to everyone that you’re not drinking. This guy clearly has form and the Xmas party may be where he tries to get physical.

He's continuing to do this because he thinks he can. It's a power and control thing. He has assumed that you are fearful of reporting this/holding him to account. And he's right isn't he? You are...In case it causes 'reputational damage ' to you . Or in case you loose your contract...Put feelers out for other contracts and assess how employable you are. Please don't underestimate this and engage in some inner kick arse talking (I'm ACE, highly employable and funny have to put up this shit). Then I'd shut this fucker right down. In person , Tell him it's harassment and the very next text you receive like this you will report him to the police. Say it like you bloody well mean it (because you do). No doubt he'll push back on the boundary so report him (AND notify hr)...then move to where you don't have to work with such dicks. It is so bloody tedious that women have to take responsibility for men's shitty behaviour but there we are

Screenshot, HR.

I don't know if I'd even go to the Christmas party, tbh.
I'd make plans to leave.
What a shame that it's come to this, but it does sound like it may be your best option.

What a knob.

Message again and say his messages have made you uncomfortable. Regardless of whether he thinks you encouraged him (you didn't) he needs to back off now. Reiterate that a good working relationship is important to you but any further messages will require you to report to HR.

Personally I wouldn't fancy the work's Christmas party (last minute childcare issues) as I'd want to make sure I was in charge of my surroundings etc and not provide him a chance to say it was just misinterpreted drunken banter. I would arrange a nice lunch with those you get on well with.

I very much doubt that you are the first he’s done this too.

Good luck OP. Sounds like you’re keeping your cool & have options so can look after your future if you need to.
It sucks that women have to police men’s behaviour as PP have said, but when it’s your livelihood and career on e line and you know you won’t “win” it isn’t worth the self sacrifice- I say this as a senior professional who has seen what can happen, most business won’t deal with it and even if they do they will still hold an unspoken grudge against you for “causing trouble”, as will others....

PPs talking about HR, talking to ACAS and unfair and constructive dismissal- OP is a contractor and so doesn’t have most of these employment protections, so she needs to box clever.

Thanks guys, my psychology degree pays off sometimes!

The important thing is to keep the text from the husband polite but curt. Giving off the vibe that he is busy in the house cooking dinner and the bloody phone keeps buzzing and irritating him.

So, he decides to put a nail in it all with a simple yet very effective:

"Hi. This is Jack, Clare's husband. She went out and left her phone behind. She won't be back until later today."

It is WAY MORE SCARY for men if a guy does not show his anger... no swearing or huge ranting, just a simple short sharp curt message. He will be so mortified and his thoughts then will drive him crazy- what is he going to do? Shit shit shit shit! What would I do??? How do I reply now??! Omg omg omg 😂😂😂😂

He will seriously never bother you on text again. As for in person, don't ever mention it. If he brings it up, just say "oh yes, Jack replied, he does that on my phone sometimes if I leave it behind." Say no more. The less you say the scarier it is! 🙈

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the replies. I actually had an exchange with him late last night where I restated my position and told him firmly that i do not want to receive those messages. He promised not to do it again, although not before suggesting I was being dramatic about the whole thing.

I will see what happens now I guess... the message from my husband is definitely something to consider.

I get on well with the HR director and wondered about having an informal chat with her-but I'm not sure if she would be obliged to take it further?

I can easily get another contract and am contacted regularly with offers of work so that wouldn't be an issue-it's just that I really had no plans to leave and this has all come about rather suddenly so I need to make sure I think it through properly. Eg the office is in a really good location for my commute, I have extremely flexible hours allowing me to manage childcare easily...it's generally a lovely company and I enjoy the work. But obviously it can't go on like this, so something has to give...

Thanks @Bambii that does make sense!!

I’d talk to HR if you know them, informally, no way is it the first time.

But can you talk to HR informally about something like this? Would they not be obliged to take it further even if you didn't want to? I think she would at least want to tell our MD, who would lose his shit and then it would escalate.

That is what I 100% want to avoid. I don't want him to be suspended and then have to sit in meetings with witnesses discussing these text messages...I know it would be the 'right' thing to do, but honestly it's just not what I want (at least not at this stage, with what he's done so far-anything physical and it would be a different matter)

If you are able to get another contract that is equally as good as this one , I would.

But I wouldn't let him get away with it. I would collate all the messages together and pass them to HR, and on your last day, loudly say in front of everyone...
'I am leaving because of John's harrassing and sexual texts to me. I have asked him 7 times to stop. He refuses to. So I am going to a contract where I am not being sexually harrassed by my colleague. I have passed everything to HR.'

I'm afraid I don't think the husband sending a text will work. In his head, he will imagine that if it weren't the fact you were married, you would be responding equally.

@Roussette burning bridges is pointless - either she would escalate the issue to try to make it stop and keep her job or she would leave without raising it. He is her reference after all and this is a small industry.

Why create drama just as you leave? How is that going to benefit you? Nothing will happen to this guy unless you take him to court and she said she doesn't want that. If you tell HR loudly it will just become gossip and go no further. He won't care.

The only thing that will work is the husband text. He will be too mortified to carry on texting at the risk that the husband reads it again. In person she has said he behaves fine, the problem is just his texts.

Men are scared of men, much more than we women realise. Men like him, who don't listen to a woman's pleas to stop, will only react to another man.

In that case Bambii I would stay and fight. I would not let this apology for a man get away with it.

Of course OP you don't want to be in HR meetings going through all of this, but if you just skulk away, I think in years to come you'll be very cross with yourself that you did that.

What an absolute bastard.

You say in your OP that he has accused you of encouraging him, is there anything at all in your texts that would support that? Or were all of your replies clearly rebuffing him?

I'm only asking because if you do go to HR, he sounds like the kind of person who would be up for the fight to prove his innocence and yes, you would probably have to sit there pouring over everything in detail.

However, if there is nothing that he could use against you then I would definitely go to HR. But, I would also start looking for a new job. He will find ways to make your life a misery, unless he gets the sack.

Sorry you're going through this. Some men are such predatory wankers.

Personally I don't think you should pretend to be your dh. Doing that is effectively you playing games and trying to psychoanalyse him. If this goes formal you'll make yourself look like an idiot hiding behind their husband.

Ask your HR Director if she/he can give you some informal advice or if they'd be obligated to formalise it. It may well be that the HR Director will simply have a quiet word to the effect that any more harassment will invoke first stage disciplinary, and that will be enough to stop the matter, with you in control at all points.

It sounds like compulsive behaviour to me. Just keep an eye on him, you don't want to end up with a stalker.

Don't play games/pretend to be your husband etc. It may get him to back off but I suspect he will then take it out on you by slowly undermining your reputation internally until he can decide not to renew your contract.

I would suggest one last conversation with him where you ask him very clearly to stop, and a simultaneous complaint to HR, without naming him. Even if they know it's blatantly him I think you can just say that a senior member of the organisation has been sending you inappropriate messages despite you asking him to stop and you would like it noted by them. Tell them everything except his name and don't give them screen grabs. That way if it all turns nasty you've managed to get your complaint in before he can spin them any bullshit story.

This is awful op.

Can you approach it with HR in the sense of a hypothetical scenario and you'd like to know how they'd manage it? You wouldn't need to give names but would potentially get some guidance if you're friendly with the HR director and they are willing to play along with the hypothetical situation until you have had time to think about your options.