Awkward situation with my boss sending me inappropriate messages

[onegreenoneblue]

I would really appreciate some perspectives on this situation with my boss.

For context, we're been working together about 3 years and while he is technically my superior, we are on a similar level. The main difference is that he is the department head and I'm a contractor... so although he doesn't really manage me as such on a day to day level, he is in charge of renewing my contract.

So we've always got along super well, we have complementary skills and have build a great relationship/trust... and he is very much a mr nice guy who everyone loves. Our relationship has always been very jokey and informal, and so possibly this has started sooner than I noticed.

A couple of months ago he started making sexual references/paying me compliments via text message-TBH I didn't think a whole lot of it to being with, I thought he was just being daft and tried to deflect his comments. i didn't immediately call him out on it, and I didn't take it seriously-I now realise this was my mistake as I think he basically took this as encouragement/that I enjoyed it,

I basically didn't want to upset the balance of our relationship by getting all serious.

Anyway, as the weeks went by the messages have got more and more frequent and they are making me massively uncomfortable now...I have asked him to stop several times, in all kinds of different ways-in a 'look, stop this nonsense, can't we just go back to normal please' to more serious. Whenever I do this, he refers back to the times in the beginning when I supposedly encouraged him. I find this really maddening because I didn't mean to, but even if I did-I am now telling him to stop and he won't.

He usually agrees to stop after these exchanges, but then starts up again-sometimes even later in the same day.

I work in a very small industry and I don't know what to do about this because I don't want to become embroiled in a sexual harassment case-I just haven't got the energy or inclination to make a massive deal out of this. I just want him to stop. I don't really want to leave as I enjoy my job and love the rest of the team and I guess I'm concerned that if I threaten to tell HR, he will end my contract. Ugh.

Any advice would be really appreciated

Thanks @Bambii , my husband knows what's going on-and I have told a few friends in the industry (at other companies) too.

Due to logistic/childcare schedules I can't really have my husband come along to work stuff but I do talk about him-and will dial that up when he's around.

The messages are via text rather than WhatsApp but I definitely do need to ignore them. Looking back he really just twists everything I say to make it seem like I'm complicit.

I am really sad that it's come to this as I have really loved the last few years :-(

@SylvanianFrenemies I have found bringing my husband into conversation and even bringing him into the picture always works to stop unwanted attention. He's my closest confidant and so I would just honestly tell him this innocent banter has got out of hand and this asshole isn't getting the message.

This is a delicate situation as he is her boss and often unspoken body language and a firm husband handshake are much more effective than angry words or an HR escalation.

@SylvanianFrenemies I have sent messages like that before and he's apologised and agreed in a way that seemed quite genuine. But then the nect day he's commenting on my arse and telling me it's my fault, he can't help himself (possibly that sounds worse written down here-he's obviously joking/knows that outrageous, but is trying to get a reaction.

Actually writing all this down is making me really think I should just leave. I can get another contract easily but don't want to do anything rash

I bet this ain’t the first time he has done this. And I bet other people in the industry know or suspect what he is like.

I would critically assess how valuable you are to the business. If they need you more than you need them and ideally you’d like to stay then I would go and speak to his boss. I’d start by saying that you very much enjoy working with the firm and hope you continue but x’s behaviour has been making you feel uncomfortable and he is refusing to stop and it making the workplace unsafe. Explain what happened and why you tried to deflect and how you have now been clear. You may want to use the words whistleblowing. You will need to be willing to show the messages.

You also need to think about whether you’d be willing to keep working with this guy in any event.

His behaviour sounds very exploitative, he's relying on having whip hand over you.

Do you have any idea what your HR might be like on this? Is there evidence they will discipline people? Unless you know for sure they're liable to respond badly (eg they have past form of not backing women who complain of harrassment/people who complain of bullying) I might hold back, but otherwise I'd show them the messages, say they are making you uncomfortable, especially as he has say over your contract and if they have any spine or good practice at all they should back you. You should add you had enjoyed working with you and liked your job until all this kicked off and you'd not reported earlier as you'd hoped he'd respect your wishes and stopped, but he hasn't.

You can totally save this situation @onegreenoneblue

I do firmly believe getting your husband to write a straight forward reply to him on a day that he sends you a string of inappropriate messages will completely work.

Just a straight forward, and on the surface, innocent response: "Hi. This is Jack, Clare's husband. Clare has left her phone behind and will be gone for a few hours." - this will totally do the trick without you having to go through any awkwardness.

He will be mortified that your husband has read all the messages he sent and he will be in retreat mode after that.

Sorry @onegreenoneblue but he’s a permanent senior manager and you’re a contractor. HR will be very reluctant to rock the boat and the minute he discovered you’d contacted them he’d terminate your contract. Unfortunately you have no power here.

If you intend to stay, tell him you’re blocking his texts and do it. Make it very clear you’re not playing games and leave it at that.

I would not involve HR. They love gossip and drama and this would blow up, and yes, it would impact you negatively. This is shitty but it's true.

Trust your instincts on this, you're right... especially as you know your HR team and are siding on not telling them.

@onegreenoneblue just imagine the look on his face when he sees that your husband has just replied to the messages he sent 👏👏👏😆

You know this will totally work!!

If you feel like reporting to HR will cause you reputational issues in the future, could you send screenshots of the offending texts to his wife? He obviously feels like you're not going to take action against him at work because you don't want it to affect your job, so make his home life uncomfortable. He can hardly complain to colleagues about you for that because he'd be admitting his own inappropriate behaviour.

@PippiDeLena she wants to shut it down tho, not create a bombshell for his marriage... he'd hate her and sack her after that with some excuse.

Well it looks like OP has already resigned herself that she's going to have to leave; this way it won't affect her professionally, but he'll face some consequences for his actions. Also he's a creep and his wife might want to know.

Thanks so much for all the replies, there's a lot of really good advice here and lots to think about.

I think I'm going to try one last determined effort to shut it down and then will reassess. In the back of my mind I'm wondering what the Christmas party will bring and maybe he will be inappropriate in front of others, which could potentially make things easier...

Could you block his texts and tell him to contact you only by email? If he is using a work email address it will likely be scanned on the way through the central server and they may be screening for language that suggests harassment.

But I think the best long-term solution is to just look for another job. If you don’t want to deal with the consequences of going to HR then your boss isn’t going anywhere, and there’s probably no way back to you feeling comfortable working with him.

Would you feel comfortable asking other trusted female colleagues if he's said anything to them at all? I never said anything in my position and did leave, probably 70% of my decision was because I wouldn't let myself be treated like that. Long after I left it did all come apart for him, rather majestically. If we'd all banded together at the time we could, maybe, have brought it to a stop there and then. There's strength in numbers. And evidence.

You say my husbands been through my phone and thinks you’re messages are inapproriate

If you don't feel you can go to HR, please tell ACAS.

The next message tell him that you are finding his messages uncomfortable and harassing and are affecting your work. Tell him that you dispute that you every encouraged him, you enjoyed working with him and valued his knowledge etc but you have told him several times to stop, and this is his final warning.

@PippiDeLena she doesn't have to leave at all.

The quickest and least dramatic way to shut this down is a straight forward, innocent response to one of his perverted texts, simply saying:

"Hi. This is Jack, Clare's husband. Clare has left her phone behind and will be gone for a few hours."

This simple text will totally do the trick without you having to go through any awkwardness.

He will be completely MORTIFIED at the thought that your husband has just read all the messages he sent and he will be in retreat mode after that.

It will shut him right down and he will begin to a f normal again.

Tell him if he doesn't stop you will tell his wife and also tell your husband who will rip his bollocks off and stick them down his throat. That should stop him.

I think doing the text from the husband is the best way if dealing with this. Men that do this are cowards and enjoy having the control. He will be mortified if he thinks your husband has found out.

I second the never being alone with him, especially after hours. I'm not sure I'd want to go to the Christmas party in case he moved on to physical harassment disguised as being drunk.

And I would have the text from the husband saying "Who the fuck is this? Clare is unavailable and I've just seen your message. This is her husband, Jack."

Then Clare can go into work the next day and say "This stops now! Don't ever message me again. Emails through work, about work and nothing else, from now on"

In reality though, I think I'd leave. This guy will be a serial offender and probably has an MO for this. Starts off working well with a woman and then strikes when they have a good working relationship. Then blames the woman for leading him on".

I would leave. Tell HR why you're leaving and ask them to put it on file so if another woman ever complains, they have other evidence. Say you don't feel able to make it a formal complaint but you wanted them to know what was going on.

Your husband is not relevant - it implies that if you were single, it would all be fine, or if he finds a single female colleague, it'll be okay to harass her, because she's not another man's property.

It would also not be relevant if you had initially encouraged him. Now, you have said no, you've asked him to stop, but he's still doing it. And of course he can bloody help it. I bet he manages to restrain himself from commenting on your arse when there are witnesses about.

Unfortunately, the balance of power is all with him, as you already know.

If you can easily get another contract leave ASAP (and don’t look back)