Awkward situation with my boss sending me inappropriate messages

[onegreenoneblue]

I would really appreciate some perspectives on this situation with my boss.

For context, we're been working together about 3 years and while he is technically my superior, we are on a similar level. The main difference is that he is the department head and I'm a contractor... so although he doesn't really manage me as such on a day to day level, he is in charge of renewing my contract.

So we've always got along super well, we have complementary skills and have build a great relationship/trust... and he is very much a mr nice guy who everyone loves. Our relationship has always been very jokey and informal, and so possibly this has started sooner than I noticed.

A couple of months ago he started making sexual references/paying me compliments via text message-TBH I didn't think a whole lot of it to being with, I thought he was just being daft and tried to deflect his comments. i didn't immediately call him out on it, and I didn't take it seriously-I now realise this was my mistake as I think he basically took this as encouragement/that I enjoyed it,

I basically didn't want to upset the balance of our relationship by getting all serious.

Anyway, as the weeks went by the messages have got more and more frequent and they are making me massively uncomfortable now...I have asked him to stop several times, in all kinds of different ways-in a 'look, stop this nonsense, can't we just go back to normal please' to more serious. Whenever I do this, he refers back to the times in the beginning when I supposedly encouraged him. I find this really maddening because I didn't mean to, but even if I did-I am now telling him to stop and he won't.

He usually agrees to stop after these exchanges, but then starts up again-sometimes even later in the same day.

I work in a very small industry and I don't know what to do about this because I don't want to become embroiled in a sexual harassment case-I just haven't got the energy or inclination to make a massive deal out of this. I just want him to stop. I don't really want to leave as I enjoy my job and love the rest of the team and I guess I'm concerned that if I threaten to tell HR, he will end my contract. Ugh.

Any advice would be really appreciated

@titchy and @whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe - no one is saying she pretends to be her DH, she could get her DH to send it, since he is in the loop on what's been happening and is fully supportive.

It's a way of letting this asshole know that her husband is aware of his behaviour without her having to explain and speak to him.

Everyone on here is either trying to get her to go to HR as if they're going to care or protect a contractor (they won't) or they're trying to cause some massive drama by getting his wife involved (ridiculous)...

If you go to HR, they will talk. They have every right to approach the boss if they're concerned. Nothing you tell HR remains confidential for long, trust me.

This is not a soap opera, this is this woman's life and livelihood.

Her husband knows about these messages, so the best way to shut this person up is to make him aware that her husband can see these.

He behaves fine at work, the problem is just the messages and this is how you'd shut it down.

It annoys me a bit that people are suggesting the only way to deal with this situation is to get another man to sort it out.

I'm a single woman and would absolutely hate that op. I think I would send a message and tell him that the next inappropriate message he sends will be reported to HR, that you're sorry it has to come to this but this harassment has to stop.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies - sometimes a woman needs the law or someone else to get involved. Being a single woman doesn't mean you can't get help from men, that is a weak argument.

She has already told him to stop several times. If she threatens HR then he will likely end her contract or pre-empt her by going to HR with his own complain. The problem is just the messages, not his behaviour in real life.

She has a husband, her life partner. Her husband knows what's happening and he has every right to make his presence known as an very effective deterrent. That's all that needs to happen. No big confrontation or drama.

I don't have many answers for you it I would say to keep every single message that he has sent you. Keep a diary of everything inappropriate. Send him one very clear but civil message to stop. And tell your hubby what is going on in case he finds put some other way and gets the wrong end of the stick.

Same girliefriendlikespuppies - this man needs sorting out and just relying on another man getting involved is a cop-out.
What do single women do when they get harassed at work?
OP has told him to cut it out, he doesn't care what she thinks and is ignoring her reasonable requests. He's a prick, don't pander to him.
Go to HR, get them to sort his shitty behaviour out and say that if it comes at any cost to your contract you will pursue it into the courts if needs me.

If you're brave enough (not sure I would be!), send the messages to his wife.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis - her husband is aware of what's happening, why can't he let that be known? It will most definitely work.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis - crazy that you're using words like "cop out" as if this is a game and choosing the easy road makes her a cheat. What the heck... this woman is asking for a quick and effective way out of this and since her husband is there, supportive and aware of everything, he's the most convenient way of making this go away quickly.

She is not looking for some weird and challenging sexual harassment tough mudder course so she can prove to you she's not a "cop out"! 🙈🙈🙈
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And she is most definitely not representing all single ladies or whatever, she's not here to make a stand and fight to the death, she does not want drama, she just wants it to end - this is a real life situation and realistically it makes sense to use the options in front of her.

I know men like him, they will only stop when they realise someone else knows. In this case, it makes the most sense and will have the most impact without affecting her work life or generating gossip if that someone else is her husband.

Her husband sending a simple text saying "This is Jack, Clare's husband. She is out right now and will be back later." will absolutely mortify him and will make this stop without causing any follow up drama.

Bambi it may well work, I guess I just don't like the thought of women needing men to sort out their problems.
Especially when that problem is sexual harassment at work.

Perhaps if the text from the husband doesn't work OP could get her dad to try?

That was sarcastic by the way.

Totally depressing that in the 21st Century a professional woman is being told to have her husband sort out her work issues for her.

It's actually even more depressing than the thought that male managers still feel that it's somehow acceptable to sexually harass females in the workplace.

Oh my god. Screenshot them all and send to hr and accidentally copy in everyone else. Then he has no way of denying it

@YogaDrone wow...

First off, it's ridiculous to act like women won't ever need a man's help. When my dad was alive, he was always there to help if I asked. What a weird twisted form of feminism you're preaching.

Secondly, if she was married to another woman I would suggest her wife send a text as it would likely have the exact same effect - the point being that it isn't just between him and her anymore, that her long term partner is aware of his behaviour.

@YogaDrone I agree with you that it's depressing male managers behave this way, but I also know brash female managers that constantly make sexual innuendos at work. There are sadly people out there like this, male and female.

onegreenoneblue Admittedly I have only skimmed through the replies but (imho) involving your DH or his DW is not a good idea as he is very likely to use this against you...and in all honesty and with respect, it's nothing to do with either DH or bosses DW.

By strange coincidence, on ABC (Aus) TV tonight I watched Ep 2 of a short series that I suggest you watch iview.abc.net.au/show/silent-no-more it's all about harassment of women and the MeToo movement where a couple of ladies have been subjected to sexual harassment and workplace bullying. Episode 1 is still available but Episode 3 won't go to air until next Monday night (Aus time, GMT +11).

The host invited stories from people who had been affected and was inundated with replies, some of which are the basis for this TV series.

Make sure you don't delete any text messages, emails and/or phone calls, instead copy and email them to yourself at your private email address as well as another person, for safe keeping. Just in case your phone gets damaged (?at work) or goes missing.

Anyway just thought this might help a little as I've been in a similar situation many years ago so I do 'know' how it feels and it's not nice!! All the best and hope you get a good outcome.

If they are on WA then make sure you screenshot them as he can delete them on your phone, too.

Then wait until he sends the next one and get your husband to type "OP's in bed. Who the hell is this?"

The next message he sends, I would cc your husband and just advise him that, going forward, your DH will copied on all messages to avoid any misunderstandings regarding appropriateness. If he continues, I would also hint at cc'ing someone from HR.

@HollowTalk yes! Or the husband could send a curt message saying "This is her husband. She has left her phone at home and won't be back until later."

It's enough that the guy will realise the husband has read all the messages, no need to swear or get aggressive. He will shit his pants.

If the role and place of work suit you then I’d focus on work, especially if he’s promised to cease. I’d not be messaging with him late though, stop that.

Should he send anything inappropriate again the only response he’d get from me would be ‘ I’ve said several times that this kind of message is unwanted. You appeared to understand . You’re in a senior position and I’d have thought you know better’

Only if that failed would I think about a message back from my DH.

You’ve asked him to stop sending the messages so wait and see what happens. If he sends any more I would speak to him and say you’ve already asked him to stop and if there are anymore you are going to HR.

Could you have a ‘hypothetical’ chat with HR with the view of protecting your contract. ie. If a contractor had a non-work related issue with the person who renewed their contract, would it be possible to have the contract handling passed to another member of staff as they want to handle it without involving HR or losing their contract.

Their reaction to this would let you know where you stood. Obvs, they are going to know it’s you, but you haven’t said anything incrimination that could be taken further.

@Chunkers - really don't think you can't trust HR, especially when you're a contractor and he's a permanent employee.

Even a hypothetical conversation in confidence will become juicy gossip fodder.

So difficult! I think next time you tell him to stop and he minimises, you could respond with 'so you're okay if I forward these on to your wife then?' If he thinks you'd contemplate that it may well stop him, and if he confronts you about it you can reply with "but if I'm the one overreacting I'm sure she'll be fine with your behaviour". Let's him know that you are not a safe bet for him and sets you out as an unsuitable affair partner!

I am in a similar situation, but he's also tried to kiss me since when I've been drunk at a party.
At first, as it started with messages, I didn't want to be mean or make things awkward as we have known each other a while and were friends too, so I just ignored the messages and texted back normal stuff, or "behave!" followed by normal stuff, but it has carried on.
I've asked him to stop, but he doesn't and it has been going on for well over a year now.

It makes me really uncomfortable, but I now feel as it's been going on so long that it must be my fault somehow. So I guess the only advice I can give is not to follow my example.

I'm also married and now keep my phone locked in case a message comes up when I'm at home, as I'd be worried about explaining it to my hubby, even though I don't reciprocate the messages.

We were also friends, and I don't have many, so I ignored the behaviour at first, thinking he'd get the message.
Also, I didn't want to be unkind.

I don't really know the right thing to do anymore. I ignore him still, hoping he'll give up, but that hasn't worked so far and I'm at a loss with how to solve this.
He's a nice guy, really, and had helped me in the past, so I don't want to be rude.
The longer it's gone on the harder it seems that things will go back to how they were, which is what I'd like, as he is a good friend.

Wow, there's been loads more posts since I started replying (got distracted with work), so sorry if I've missed updates. Will go back and read through