Dad as primary parent and Mum takes a secondary role

[FreedomBird]

I’d love to talk to you if your ex (male) is the primary parent/primary residence.

And you are a female that has a secondary parenting role.

It seems very taboo. Just wondering if there are many of you here.

Why don’t you start

Ha! Fair play.

I’m potentially facing it. I feel a lot of judgement from friends and family. An awful lot.

I suppose I’d like to know it’s not completely unheard of, as I’m led to believe.

And that actually sometimes it’s ok to be a mum and not be the primary parent. Because right now I don’t feel like it is ok.

Even though I think it is.

I’m conflicted. Can you tell?

I'm a secondary parent OP. eldest DS went to live with his DF when he was 11. It's not great I'm not going to lie and I find it extremely difficult some days but it was the best decision for all of us. Ds was difficult and struggled with his behaviour and mental health which had a huge impact on myself and my other children. Everyone Is much more settled. I do find myself telling white lies sometimes so as not to out my situation as it does have a taboo around it however we are all genuinely happier this way especially DS

I think it’s very uncommon but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.

Inevitably people will make assumptions and possibly judge you.

The important thing is whether it is best for your family, obviously the child/ren are the priority.

Do you want to talk about why this has arisen? How old are the DCs?

This isn't what you're looking for, but our situation is I work full time and travel a lot while DH is a SAHD... I sometimes wonder what would happen if we split, as I could end up in a scenario like you, and it doesn't sit well with me to be honest

My dd currently lives with my ex during the week, as that is where her current school is, and I had to move away to find work. I have her every weekend and school holidays (I don’t work during school holidays - I am very lucky). I don’t think of him as the “primary parent” in any sense - we are both her parents, we coparent very successfully I am pleased to say - but yes, he has her more evenings during the average week at the moment. I get much more quality time with her tho, in my opinion! Currently, this works well for all concerned. If and when that changes (for example, if he moves in with his girlfriend, who has school age children dd likes perfectly well but doesn’t particularly want to live with during the week) then we will review it, and together, all 3 of us (ex, dd and I) work out an arrangement that is best for all of us.
My parents are furious about the arrangements and judge me hard - but they are difficult people anyway, and have always thought of me as somehow deficient. Nobody else I know gives a fuck, or ever questions my love for my daughter.
Do what is best for your family. Anyone who wants to judge that, they can just fuck off.

I moved out of the marital home. I needed a clean break for my mental health after living together for months. Ex made it clear he was not moving out. I moved to the nearest affordable town just under an hour away. I was majorly priced out of the area as I work part time looking after our preschooler.

One child at school near marital home. We decided it was best for her to stay put for now. He is adamant she should stay there.

Preschooler will have to go to a school somewhere.

Obviously I want them here with me; he wants them there with him. A court would probably rule that school age child should stay put.

So where does that leave me? We’re doing 50/50 at the moment but I will need to work full time soon which means I can’t do school drop offs and pick ups. (Which at the moment I do twice a week)

My family and friends are horrified.

I don’t know what else I can do. Other than perhaps accept it.

Returning to old town is out of the question for my mental health. Ex now lives in our marital home with his new gf.

It’s an absolutely heart breaking situation for me. But I just don’t know what else to do.

I’m trying to put the children’s interests first.

Ex and I work custody 50/50, however ex takes DS to school every day and picks him up on the nights in the week that he has him overnight. Ex also takes DS to all medical and dental appointments - this is only because he works from home (on the same road as school) and I work on the other side of the city.

It works for us and thats all that matters

Well - if you had to move out for your mental health because your partner was so abusive - then you've left your child living with an abusive man.

Or your partner wasn't that abusive but you put your own emotional needs above your child.

Either way - no you haven't put your children's need first.

Was your ex the primary carer of your dc before you split op?

Your ex sounds abusive, controlling and is manipulating your urge to "put the children first" in order to trick you into putting your children and yourself last behind the only important person ... him.

Don't do this unless you actually want to.

If you don't want this, do the Freedom Programme in order to give yourself the words to name what has happened to you and then you fight hard for your babies.

My mum left me and three siblings when I was 12 in similar circumstances op. It's had a very negative impact on all of us, to be honest I won't ever forgive her even though my dad was great. If you do this make sure you make up for it in the future. My mum never did, drifted further away, did her own thing. The damage is irreparable

Get yourself together! If he is in your DH then serve divorce papers and get a court order to sell the house ASAP. He either helps you with his rent in the mean time or you threaten to move back in.

Your children come first, so put your mental health aside for a few months and get this situation sorted first.

My parents did this when they divorced, we lived with our DF. DM thought if we lived with our dad and saw her EOW we'd have a better life as he earned more than her, although it tore her apart. DM and I are very close now and I am NC with my DF.

But why isn’t the house being sold? Were you married? What has been your legal advise?

Who will do school pick ups and drop offs?

This situation sounds very unfair for you and I would be moving back into the house if those were my options.

Another one here who’s mum moved out and was left in the care of dad. Saw mum one night a week after school and every other weekend, from the age of 4. It was awful and I still shudder when I think of how bloody much I missed my mum throughout my childhood.

I also moved out of the marital home when I separated from my ex husband but I moved a five minute walk away and immediately went to 50:50 shared custody (3 nights a week with him, 4 nights with me). It has worked for the past 6 years but I wish I had them more and over time have built up to do additional school drop offs etc so there’s actually only one day in the week that I don’t see them now.

I wouldn’t judge you OP but in my experience, as much as my dad loved me, I really missed my mum and feel like I’ve never had a close bond with her as a result.

Ds age 6 lives with his dad.

I was always the full time worker (60 hour weeks a lot of the time to make ends meet), his dad worked a handful of hours and was primary carer.
When we first split and started the divorce process I went to college and we shared care 50/50.
I then moved 250 miles away for uni. In my opinion it was unfair to remove ds from his dad, he was under 2 when we split - he was always with his dad so as much as I wanted my boy with me I couldn't put him through it when he was so close to his dad.

I traveled back home every weekend and all school holidays to have him with me staying with my parents. It was hard but became normal.

I get judged an awful lot and a lot of people are very confused by our setup.

I also have an older child and now I have a baby ( and a new husband I met when I moved to the new town)

Uni is now finished and we have just bought a new home 3 miles from ds so I'll be back close to him and hopefully go back to a more 50/50 balance but it won't be rushed, I want it to be a natural progression for him and at a pace he's happy with.

I don't regret doing it how I did. Ex was a crap husband ( no team work ; I had to slog my guts out to pay the mortgage when he was the higher earner until ds was born and he decided at 2 weeks old to hand his notice in 😫) but he was and is a good dad who loves his son. I was stifled, he didn't believe in college or uni and bettering yourself.

Now, I have a husband who supported me through education and in returning to work, we work equally and are a real team. Now that we are moving I'll get to see ds more and everything will be pretty perfect.

It helps that me and ex husband are very amicable. We go to his school nativity etc together and son knows we very much communicate so he can't try and get away with things at either house.

Apologies for the garbled post - I've written in the order it's popped into my head!

Thanks FSFSFSF that’s juuuuuust the kind of thing I’m talking about.

No abuse.
Mutual separation.
He is buying me out. We are doing the consent order then we’ll apply for absolute.

I’d argue putting my mental health first is actually putting my children’s needs first.
This is exactly the judgement I face. People assuming that my children should come before my mental health. My children can’t have a happy relationship with me if I have a mental breakdown.

It’s so fucking hard.

He's not abusive and you're moved an hour away from your kids.

This is why people are judging you. It's an awful thing to do.

You can sort out your mental health without moving an hour away from your children.

Returning to old town is out of the question for my mental health. Ex now lives in our marital home with his new gf

That is not a trauma that compromises your mental health.

@FFSFFSFFS do fuck off if you've nothing helpful to add

OP my DS lives with his dad & stepmum. When we split I wanted to move away from the horrible little village we lived in but DS wanted to stay at the same school with his friends so together we decided that the best decision was for him to live with his dad.

I live around 45mins away & we're pretty flexible around contact days (more so now that DS is at high school & his own social life has to be taken into account).

It works for us but I do always get the impression people's first thought when they find out is that I'm a shit mother who had her child taken away from her so I find myself trying to explain the circumstances - I should probably just ignore them though!

Are you getting treatment (antidepressants and/or therapy) for your mental health issues?
I assume you've sought no legal advice.
This arrangement is not necessarily in your best interests nor those of your children.
I urge you to seek legal advice ASAP, there is the free rights of women family law helpline and if you contact your local citizens advice they should be able to point you in the direction of local law clinics or solicitors offering a free initial consultation.

Well - the women who've left their children are all saying its fine.

The people who's mother left them when they were children are all saying it was horrible.

So - I suppose it depends on who's interests comes first.

My opinion is the children's interests come first.