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Original poster

Dad as primary parent and Mum takes a secondary role

113 replies

FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 18:16

I’d love to talk to you if your ex (male) is the primary parent/primary residence.

And you are a female that has a secondary parenting role.

It seems very taboo. Just wondering if there are many of you here.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:34

Oh he’s a bully and an arse alright.

I’ve seen three solicitors. None of em have filled me with hope.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/11/2019 20:36

You know you can be awarded 50:50 for the eldest but you can't be forced to take it up. You can state that you want EOW plus more than 50% of the holidays. Depending on your job in the future you may or may not be able to have her overnight midweek.

With your youngest you can leave the running around to him...

He sounds as though he was emotionally abusive towards you and "won" by bullying you into moving out and leaving your older child with him.

You don't need to have your child 50:50 to have a loving warm relationship with her. Please do not run around killing yourself to try and have them as much as possible to ease your guilt or live up to others expectations.

You know how to me a proper parent not a Disney one. Firm, fair, reliable, loving, available.

Thanks
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:37

I want 50/50. He wants 50/50. But 50/50 isn’t going to work.

So one of us has to be the primary. How do we decide who. And how do I cope (emotionally) if it’s not me.

That’s essentially it in a nutshell. It kind of doesn’t matter how we got here.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:38

Thank you Random.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:39

He was and is a bully. But how do you negotiate with a bully?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/11/2019 20:39

It won't be the end of the world if your DC aren't together ALL the time, think of the one to one each of them will get. Far more important how you handle it.

When you stop running yourself ragged your Ex may well change what he wants when he's left to do all the parenting tasks for the eldest- homework, appointments, childcare...

Rainbowtheunicorn · 20/11/2019 20:41

I think this thread proves that it’s easy to be a good Dad but not at all easy to be a good Mum.

Make sure you do what you want OP- if you feel like the children should be with you then you need to find a way to make it happen.

Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 20:41

Why won’t 50:50 work? Obviously no one can guarantee it will, but why are you so certain it won’t?

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 20:42

He is primary for the eldest, you the youngest. The will always have weekends together and more than 50% of the holidays. That will be their normal.

You give age appropriate explanations that you both love you both but DD wanted to stay at school with her friends and that is important etc. As they get older they may have a preference and express it.

A lot of siblings don't get on so it's really not "essential" that they live together full time. They could face time every day even if just for a few minutes.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:44

"But how do you negotiate with a bully?"
You don't. You go to court and let a judge decide.

pallisers · 20/11/2019 20:45

The reality is, OP, if you were a man in this situation people would think you were parent of the year. If you are happy with it then that is all that is necessary.

But I do think that it is going to be very hard on you when you see your children living mon-fri in your previous home with your ex and his girlfriend. I know you can't afford to live in the town but can you live within a commutable distance from the school? 50/50 would be far better for your own mental health and you need to be as close as possible to the school (if you are decided on this school and no other) to do this. I have no idea whether it will be better for your children or not but the reality is fair or unfair the world understands children not living with their father but doesn't as much when they don't live with their mother and your kids will have to deal with that too.

You do sound a bit beaten down by him and your circumstances. He is getting everything his own way. You aren't.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:48

I have a job that means if I’m full time I can’t ever do drop offs or pick ups. Which is why 50/50 can’t work. If I pick them up in the evening, I can’t drop them back in the morning.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 20:49

I think splitting the DCs is very worrying. What will happen when DS has to go to school? Will he go to school in your area or move in with Ex then?

You should try 50:50 and if DS is too young for this he should do 70:30 until he is old enough to swap every week. This would be easier for your DD to understand as well.

randomsabreuse · 20/11/2019 20:49

I'm the child of divorced parents - and was 10 when it finally happened, although in hindsight would have been better to happen earlier.

I chose to go with my dad, I had never been close to my mum but our relationship effectively broke down when we had a row, not sure over what, about 3 months after the split which culminated in the removal of an arm from a home made soft toy... we continued contact through to my mid teens when I finally got too pissed off with being unable to do any weekend activities (EOW in different locations really wrecks things like Saturday music/sport commitments).

I'm now in vague contact with mum (main issue is horrendous hoarding making her house unsafe, but completely unwilling to get help!).

I think my relationship with my mum wasn't damaged by her letting me go with my dad, but by her attempting to use me as a weapon - in hindsight she probably had untreated PND - and if she were mentally in a better place we would have had a much better and more sustainable relationship! So looking after you is very important!

The biggest issue with EOW is when EOW contact starts clashing with desired extra curricular activities- I started really resenting contact weekends when every single thing I wanted to do needed weekends available.

zaffa · 20/11/2019 20:49

OP - your mental health is important. Think of that short instructional video on planes about putting your own mask on before you can help others. You can't be a good and effective parent to your children if you are suffering and struggling emotionally, and you don't need to explain yourself to people.

I think you should go for counselling though, because ppl will judge and you will feel guilty regardless of whether you have something to feel guilty about and counselling can help
With that.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 20/11/2019 20:50

How old is older DC? Why are you assuming that a court will decide it's in her best interests to stay put?

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:50

So I could maybe do one weekday evening and weekends for sure. Maybe have them more during school holidays too.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 20:51

Sorry I don’t quite get it.

What is the closest to the school you can afford to move to? If the DCs are one week with you, one week with Ex, the weeks they are with you you use the breakfast club or after school care. Is that not an option? Or couldn’t your family help with either pick ups or drop offs? Or a CM?

Namechanger23455 · 20/11/2019 20:52

Why won’t 50/50 work OP? Yes on paper someone does have to be the resident parent - for doctors / dentist / school applications but it doesn’t matter who this is (school does for catchment areas) but it
Doesn’t make you less of a parent if this is your ex husband??
Schools send correspondence happily out too two addresses, two emails and phone numbers. And dentists and docs either can arrange an appointment it doesn’t matter who is the resident parent.
4 nights one week / 3 nights the next week... try it before dismissing it

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:52

6 and 3 years old.

At the moment they are 50/50 (except I have 3yo on my days off too during the day)

OP posts:
Namechanger23455 · 20/11/2019 20:52

Look at a childminder OP or a breakfast and after school club, this is what people who work full time us

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:53

50/50 as in together. They are not split. They are always together. Either with me or him. Except school hours 3yo is with me. But won’t be come January.

Hence the what will happen when she goes to school concern.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 20:55

You have them 50:50 now? I thought your Dd was with your Ex full time so she could attend school and you have your DS full time.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:56

I absolutely refuse to believe that seeing your children EOW and one weeknight is going to help you improve your mental health (as suggested/implied by some PPs). As a mother who has struggled with MH issues I can guarantee that mine would plummet if I accepted that kind of arrangement. I would fight tooth and nail. And I'm sure most mothers would feel the same.

If you are genuinely happy with the proposed arrangement, that's fine and I won't judge you, but it's crystal clear from your posts that you're not fine with it at all - you've just been worn down by an abusive bully.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:59

I can’t drop them at breakfast club and make it to work on time.

I could probably do one overnight. Driving 1.5 hours before work to drop her at school.

OP posts: