Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Dad as primary parent and Mum takes a secondary role

113 replies

FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 18:16

I’d love to talk to you if your ex (male) is the primary parent/primary residence.

And you are a female that has a secondary parenting role.

It seems very taboo. Just wondering if there are many of you here.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 21:00

There is nowhere closer that you can afford to live in once the marital home has been sold and assets divided? Even if you compromised on space?

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 21:01

Easier said than done but have you considered other jobs?
Or going up to 4 days a week (instead of 5) - have you done the sums to see if that's affordable?
I guess you need to be earning as much as possible if you want to stay close to DC1's school.
Or just move schools, they're only 6.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 21:02

"once the marital home has been sold and assets divided"

They're not selling, he's buying her out.
OP didn't mention other assets?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
LaDameAuxLicornes · 20/11/2019 21:05

Why can't DD move schools to one local to you?

If exDH point blank opposes it and won't discuss with you what's in her best interests, I would tell him a judge can decide.

Or is the main issue that you don't feel able to have both DC full time because you don't feel you can cope emotionally?

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 21:05

Have you spoken to WA? He has emotionally abused you, moved is gf in and you are primary parent at the moment due to looking after youngest 2 days per week.

You could consider refusing to return them at the end of the Christmas holidays, enrol DD at a new school and force him to take it to court. Risky but he bullied and abused you into moving out... He could then do all the running around to maintain 50:50 etc.

Hindsight makes it clear that you should have liaised with WA recognised he was abusing you and left via a refuge but you need to deal with the here and now.

Is CB in your name?

Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 21:06

AnotherEmma the pertinent bit from my post was when the OP has the extra money that she does not have now. It doesn’t really matter whether the marital home is sold outright or whether her Ex buys her out. I don’t know if there are other assets, but the OP will have some money once the divorce comes through. I don’t know how much that is or the cost of where she lives; maybe it will be impossible to move closer than an hour away, but maybe not.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 21:12

Teacher so can’t do anything else!! Nothing that will earn me more money anyway.

I can’t just move DC - I can’t kick the hornets nest and also if I play dirty what’s to stop him playing dirty? He could keep them after Easter and refuse to give them back.

They are not a bargaining tool, they are my children. I don’t want to play dirty.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 21:13

No other assets!

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 21:14

I get the CB. I really don’t think it’s a WA issue.

He is a twat and a bully but not WA bad. He’s just stubborn as fuck.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/11/2019 21:17

It would need to go to court after Christmas, Cafcass involved and a decision made, residency decided and court ordered contact agreed.

Whatever the outcome you can then say and know you did your best to have your DC live with you but the courts decided X and that is what happened.

Once you step back from enabling 50:50 and being the primary parent even if that means paying maintenance he will not be so keen when he has to actually do all the graft Sad

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 21:18

He was so bad you had to move out to survive mentally yes he is that bad!

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 21:18

Bullying is abuse, stonewalling is abuse.

tictoc76 · 20/11/2019 21:20

If you need time to work on your mental health then long term that will be the best for the kids. You have the rest of their lives to make it up to them.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 21:21

Signs of emotional abuse
Coercive control and the law

HairyToity · 20/11/2019 21:22

I know a mum in this position. She left him. He has a very rich family and he fought for custody. Also both the DS wanted to be raised by Dad and paternal grandparents. He'd always been very hands on. They both idolised their dad, and were happy at their school. Their dad works full time but has a hobby small holding and the boys enjoyed 'farming with dad' evenings and weekends. She moved back to her home time that was 2 hours away, and she has the children every other weekend and most of the school holidays. She speaks with them most evenings.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 21:23

Thank you to all the kind posters. I am really trying to do my best for me and the kids.

Yes he has made discussion difficult. He probably was abusive and has pushed me and manipulated me into agreeing things I wasn’t happy about. But like low level abusive. Just like, twat of a husband abusive.

OP posts:
LaDameAuxLicornes · 20/11/2019 21:23

I would try to put aside fears of an antagonistic relationship where you or ex ends up "playing dirty" - as you quite rightly say, they are children not bargaining chips and you need to establish a relationship where you can genuinely work together in their best interests. Your post above makes it sound as if the only or main reason DD can't move schools is because DH doesn't want her to. But what if she would rather move schools in order to live with mum and younger sibling? Do you think that that is what is in her best interests? It isn't only exDH's decision to make. He has to negotiate it with you, and if he won't then that's what family courts are for.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 21:26

Not coercive control.
Some mild aspects of EA.
He willl always say I am threatening him and using the children as a weapon when actually it’s him that does this!
I can’t state facts without being told I’m being manipulative.

Eg when I said I needed money for uniform and food for the kids. Apparently he has no money despite being a much higher earner and living with a partner.
I live alone.

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 20/11/2019 21:28

But if your oldest is only 6, why can’t she move to another school? There’s no school on earth that’s so amazing it can substitute a mother!

You move to cheaper town. Children live with you. DH does 50/50 the way he’s suggested you do it.

This isn’t using your children as pawns in a game. It’s looking out for their best interests. Their best interests don’t lie with a father who bullies their mum, is about to move his gf into their home.

RandomMess · 20/11/2019 21:32

He is still abusing you, having 50:50 overnights but you doing the bulk of the work and bulk of financing them.

Please speak to WA or a SHL that is used to dealing with abusive spouses.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 21:33

"Their best interests don’t lie with a father who bullies their mum, is about to move his gf into their home."

THIS

"Please speak to WA or a SHL that is used to dealing with abusive spouses."
Or the Rights of Women family law helpline.

GetRid · 20/11/2019 21:36

Why do you have to live a whole hour away?

That seems to be the main obstacle here.

Clearnightsky · 20/11/2019 21:39

I’m trying to put the children’s interests first.

Honestly? I don’t know why you wouldn’t at least look at the options for childcare and moving their schools. Have you always been the main carer? Is the decision because you feel worn out -

Think of it this way, if you could have childcare, and kids, with you, in a different town the one you can work in, and your mental health restored. Would they really be better off with your Ex or with you?

I was with a man who had full time care of DD - as mum couldn’t cope. I think she gave up too easily but at the time I was, hey why not, Dads a good man etc. He wasn’t used to being a parent really, not in the full on sense. Ended up with her spending a lot of time after school and weekends fending for herself or with me (she shunned my support) as her Dad was working full time still - and is now quite an immature insecure person.

I’m just saying, you are feeling down now, this is a big decision, make it the right one. Maybe that is with her Dad but it has to be for the best reasons.

Clearnightsky · 20/11/2019 21:41

He willl always say I am threatening him and using the children as a weapon when actually it’s him that does this! this rings a lot of alarm bells. It’s exactly what my DP is saying to me as we separate. He’d love to have full custody but will he parent? Hell no.

Marmaladies · 20/11/2019 21:42

You need to move closer and use breakfast club and after school child care.

It is unworkable living so far away.