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Original poster

Dad as primary parent and Mum takes a secondary role

113 replies

FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 18:16

I’d love to talk to you if your ex (male) is the primary parent/primary residence.

And you are a female that has a secondary parenting role.

It seems very taboo. Just wondering if there are many of you here.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:08

FSFSFSF could you kindly fuck off please.
You’re not helping.

Ok I’m a shit mother you’ve made your point. I’d like to hear from those who are actually offering support now please.

Is MN not an advocate for ALL mothers. Those who choose to work. Those who choose to move away from their ex husband. Those who struggle with their mental health and are trying to do their best? Because I think it fucking is.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:09

"I work part time looking after our preschooler."
You're the primary carer so default position would be for you to stay as primary carer. Marital assets (including house equity, any savings and pensions) may be split 50/50 but you may get a higher share in recognition of your reduced earning power due to being primary carer and working part time.
A solicitor can give you more tailored advice based on your specific circumstances.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:10

I’m not leaving my children and I never have. I have 50/50 and actually more because I look after my preschooler 2 days a week.
I have merely exercised my right to live in a town where I can afford to live and where I have a support network.

OP posts:

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AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:12

Your STBXH has dug his heels in (about refusing to leave the marital home) and you have given in about that.

He is now insisting that the children must stay with him and you are going to give in about that too.

It sounds as if he's a stubborn bully and you don't have the mental energy to fight him.

BUT YOU SHOULD. For your children's sake.

Please get legal advice!!!

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:14

Thanks Emma for your advice; that is all happening. Financially it’s all sorted. I am getting a 60/40 split of equity in my favour.
I have no issues with the house/finances.

However I can’t live in the town we lived on my income - I’m a much lower earner.

This isn’t about anything other than the fact that I’ve moved away and daughter is settled at school.

I just wonder if men get the judgement of the ‘EoW and Wednesdays’ arrangement as much as women... I feel I am being judged unfairly.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:15

Yes he’s a stubborn bully and I have given in and I am on the brink of giving in about this too.
I don’t have the strength to fight him. But I am also very aware that perhaps I must.
Thank you Emma. Very helpful.

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carly2803 · 20/11/2019 20:16

putting a child's needs first IMO is having their mother there.

yes its taboo but i cant comprehend any mother being away from their child for longer than 20 seconds. We give birth to these children. We have that maternal bond. Stronger than any man. Yes they might be good dads (brilliant), but we are their mothers.

If mymother walked away from me as a kid and just saw me every weekend/every other week, we would be pretty fucked up

why mothers of young children generally get more custody....this is why.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:16

I’ve had legal advice. They don’t think it should go to court. I wouldn’t necessarily be granted residency over him.
I am no greater a parent than him.

He has the marital home and close to school. I have primary parent status for the youngest.

That’s it. To me it’s not cut and dried.

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheysaurus · 20/11/2019 20:19

FFSFFSFFS you are being incredibly rude and judgmental!

There really is no need to kick someone who is clearly already struggling.

I am sorry for what you are going through op, it must be a very difficult decision to make. I would think carefully about relinquishing too much of your children to your ex. It would be hard to dial back once you have done it. Your ex does not entirely sound like he has your children's best interests at heart, seems more about control but that may be just how it is written.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:20

Honestly what OTHER people think doesn't matter. The most important thing here is the well being of your children, and I don't think any child would choose to be away from their mother (provided their mother is not abusive, neglectful etc) for more than 50% of the time. At the moment it seems that your STBXH is dictating everything according to HIS wishes. But you want to be the primary carer and that might be a selfish desire but it is no more selfish than his. Please consider the well-being of the children. Your oldest may be settled in school but sometimes families relocate and children change schools.

Presumably he is wanting you to pay him child maintenance and wanting to avoid paying it to you.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:21

"i cant comprehend any mother being away from their child for longer than 20 seconds."

This is one the most ridiculous things I've ever read on mumsnet 😂
(And I've spent FAR too much of my life reading mumsnet)

Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 20:23

How do you think separating the two siblings like this will impact on them? It sounds, potentially, disastrous. Is there no way your finances would permit you to move to within commuting distance of your Dd’s school so that you could have the DCs at least 50:50?

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:25

Yes he wants 50/50 to avoid paying me any money.

He doesn’t want more than 50/50 but I’ve been telling him for ages that 50/50 won’t work long term. We’ve had mediation and got no where.

I don’t want to be a bad mum and just ‘take’ my children. I am trying to keep peace!

And also how is this any different from him in the reverse?! So it’s ok for him to see them every weekend but it’s not ok for me? Why? Simply because I’m their mum and not their dad.

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QueenofmyPrinces · 20/11/2019 20:25

yes its taboo but i cant comprehend any mother being away from their child for longer than 20 seconds.

20 seconds????

My DH takes our children abroad for a week, twice a year, you must be disgusted.

You will be glad to hear though that I’m judged very negatively for “allowing” it.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:26

I’m looking into moving closer. That’s potentially an option. I just feel so guilty about having fucked everything up.
But I’ve only ever done the best I could.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:27

How many solicitors have you spoken to?
If it's just the one you should get a second opinion.

Are you sure he definitely wasn't abusive or controlling? Because he is coming across as a bully and an arse.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 20/11/2019 20:27

yes its taboo but i cant comprehend any mother being away from their child for longer than 20 seconds.

That's weird because I feel like I saw quite a lot of my mum but I'm sure there were a good few hours every weekday I was in a big room full of other kids learning stuff for a good 14 years... maybe it was only for 20 seconds at a time and I'm remembering it wrong.

AnotherEmma · 20/11/2019 20:28

Surely the best most sensible solution would have been for you to stay in the family home with the children, as primary carer, and for him to move elsewhere and pay maintenance.

Ostanovka · 20/11/2019 20:29

I don't think it's in the children's best interests to be separated from each other.

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/11/2019 20:29

Surely the best most sensible solution would have been for you to stay in the family home with the children, as primary carer, and for him to move elsewhere and pay maintenance.

OP has already said that he refused to leave the home.

daisybrown37 · 20/11/2019 20:30

Mothers shouldn’t be away from their children more than 20 seconds?? Should we all be sitting in school with them?? You will be shocked to know that mine went to school and after school club without me 3 days this week.....

Booboostwo · 20/11/2019 20:30

I am a bit confused. You don’t seem to be suggesting that your do EOW and half the holidays, rather your are keeping your preschooler DS and your Ex is keeping your school age DD. Is that not right? This arrangement strikes me as potentially deeply damaging for the children.

And I still don’t get why you don’t just move closer and try 50:50. It might not work but then again it might work just fine.

Do you actually want the DCs 50:50 or would you prefer EOW and half of the holidays? Some of what you say suggests you want the DCs full time but might have to compromise to 50:50, but some of your other comments seem to suggest you want the DCs EOW.

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/11/2019 20:31

I don't think it's in the children's best interests to be separated from each other.

I agree - I can’t imagine how upset the eldest must feel, wondering why his mom kept his brother (loves his brother) but not him.

As adults we know it’s not as black and white as that, but to a child that’s exactly what they will think.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:33

Yes he refused to move out. And 6 months later I couldn’t live with him anymore. The peace was declining and IN THE INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN I had to move out to move on, to heal, to actually separate from him. It was hell. Anyone that has lived with an ex for any period of time will vouch for that.

People assume he would move out, well people don’t know how stubborn my ex is.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 20/11/2019 20:33

And yes receiving help for mental health.

OP posts:
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