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Original poster

I wish weekends were different (big rant!)

137 replies

confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 09:25

I have posted about this before, so if you think it sounds familiar, it probably does, but I need to vent.

More & more, our weekends (our life!) are being taken over by football & I hate it so so much. There is training every Saturday, matches every Sunday, watching it on TV most weekends & watching it in person on the other weekends. This weekend, there was training 8.30-11.20 yesterday, then matches 9-2 today. Last weekend there was training 8.30-11, Premier league match 1-10pm Saturday, then matches 10.40-1 on Sunday. Then when they get back from training/playing there is another 1 hour on unpacking the car, showering & messages before they are really with us. On our recent holiday, DH spent approx 2 hours of each day on his phone (messages) sorting out a problem at the club Sad

All of the above is DH & DS1 (10). DH is chairman of DS1'S club & coaches 2 teams. They support a Premier league side 2.5 hours' drive away. DH also spends many hours a week at the club, sorting out bins/draining/signage/whatever else plus 2-3 evening meetings a month.

When they are off at football of either sort, I am left with DS2 (8, ASC) & DS3 (5). They take our only car. We live in a village, don't have much money so getting buses is out of the question. We arrange to do things with friends/family when they are around, but most people want to do things with their own families at weekends.

DH doesn't get why I am so so fed up with it all. Doesn't acknowledge that he won't really be with us until 3pm today & by then it's nearly dark & he & DS1 are shattered & don't want to do anything except watch TV. He says that I am in the wrong for 'making the time we do have miserable by being annoyed'.

He has been talking about doing training 1 midweek evening instead of Saturdays, which would be amazing, but that won't happen until next season at the earliest. By that time, DS1 will be at senior school & less likely to want to spend time with us anyway!

That was such a long rant & maybe this is just what family life is like & IABU, but I'm so fed up with it all. It feels worse atm because of the wet days & dark nights, so I feel a bit trapped with the little 2 Sad

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/11/2019 09:53

That sounds hell. I don't know if I have any suggestions though since your husband doesn't want to change. He clearly should drop one (or more) of his football commitments.

Is moving an option? At least youd be less physically isolated.

muddledmidget · 17/11/2019 09:57

Can you drop him off at the club and take the car for the day? If he wants to go somewhere else he'll have to arrange alternative transport the same as you have to. It won't help with you not spending time together but at least the other 2 kids will be able to enjoy their weekend. At the moment he is being completely unfair to more than half his family by dictating where they can go

Heymummee · 17/11/2019 10:00

I don’t have much advice. I am in the same boat. DP is manager and coach of DS1 (12) team. There’s training on Wednesday so I don’t see either of them until they get back at 8pm. Friday nights are for training again from 5-7:30 so by the time unpacking and showering etc is done plus post training messages to parents it’s about 8:30. Saturday morning or afternoon there’s a game and they also play in a futsal league on Sundays. Aside from this, there’s also club admin, parents to deal with and planning for games, coming up with training exercises, formations, games etc. They’re also huge fans of a premier league team so if it’s not on the tv they’re out at the games, plus watching any other game that might be on. It’s constant.
I feel your pain! I’m yet to come up with any solutions other than telling him to put his phone down and the house is a football free zone, I also don’t want to be bombarded constantly with match analysis and a word for word recall of every conversation ever had with a parent.
I’ll be watching this thread with interest!

Loopytiles · 17/11/2019 10:00

DH is a selfish prick!

bigchris · 17/11/2019 10:01

Ok I'll be honest I don't think it sounds that bad

What he needs to do is get the other two involved, especially the 8 year old although I don't know what ASC is

Then in a few years time they'll lall be out and you'll be free ! Lunches with the girls, shopping , bliss !

Loopytiles · 17/11/2019 10:01

(Especially if he works FT) He has three DC, one of whom has additional needs, he doesn’t have time for two hobbies - coaching/managing and attending Premier League matches. His current choices are detrimental to his family.

bigchris · 17/11/2019 10:02

The thing is it's healthy, they're not on screens all day, I love football though, I'd be going to the premiership matches

Although if he's doing that and paying for sky sports you could afford to get a second car if inwasnt , premiership season tickets cost a fortune

Do you work ?

Countrylifeornot · 17/11/2019 10:05

Elements of this don't sound too bad to me. Most families with multiple dc divide and conquer at the weekend taking children to various hobbies and activities.
Could you not plan to do things with younger 2 dc, either play dates / days out etc? If money is really too tight for bus fair to the park or whatever then there are bugger issues to address than the football.

Loopytiles · 17/11/2019 10:09

PLAYING football is healthy. For that one DC. Sitting in a car for 5 hours then watching a match is not.

Original poster
confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 10:22

A couple of answers to a couple of questions: ASC is autism. DS2 has it to quite a high level (receives almost full time one-to-one at school). He also has associated difficulties with playing any kind of sport- gross motor skills delays, poor propioception (I think that's right?!), poor coordination etc. He doesn't show the slightest interest in football, apart from attending the odd Premier league match (they have 1 adult & 2 child season tickets, so DS2 or 3 can go to matches. In reality, it happens 1 or 2 times a year).

I do work a little, but I am main carer for DS2 so this has to be confined to school hours.

Their matches are mostly away - 30 mins +drive away- and last 1 hour plus warm up & break, so maybe 1 hour 30 total. So if I dropped them there I would only have the car for a very short amount of time & not enough to go anywhere. DH often mentions hiring a car for the day but we don't have the money!

I am trying to do more fun things with the other DC, but we are severely limited by not having a car/money. So last week we went to the play park with friends, today we should be going on a walk with my parents & their dog. Another time we went puddle jumping. It's easier if it's not raining! More to the point, I feel like weekends should be family time, not DH & DS1/me & DS2 & DS3.

DH works full time & is out of the house 12 hours plus. Currently though he is between contracts so, for once, is here & working locally, so sees DC in the evenings. So that is something, although the DC have activities most evenings so again not much family time.

@Heymummee it's good (?) to hear from somebody in a similar position although rubbish for you too! And frustrating that it doesn't get better!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 10:25

Also, to those saying it's healthy, I agree. But so would the things be that we would do as a family- walks, swimming, bike rides. All things that i see other families doing that we can only do for a few short weeks in the summer!

OP posts:
CanIKondo · 17/11/2019 10:28

I feel your pain! This wasn't how I envisioned my weekends being...

Butterymuffin · 17/11/2019 10:30

Can they car share with other families also going to training / football? We do this for some sports things. I think you and the younger two should have the car alternate weekends, if this keeps up, and on those weekends DH and DC1 should find another way to get to their events, or they don't go.

MeClavdivs · 17/11/2019 10:31

Can you drop him off at the club and take the car for the day?

I was thinking this. You say that logistically it wouldn't give you that much time, which is a pain, but it might at least mix things up to do it once or twice. Let's say you had the car for an hour to do something with the two younger DCs, even a different park near the field would be an improvement for a change don't you think?

That said, I sympathise completely.

Elieza · 17/11/2019 10:37

Car sharing or car club (cheap car hire). You shouldn’t be expected to be a full time 24/7 career, you need down time too or you will burn out. Healthy exercise is good but there are others to consister in the family and what they want/need and if dp can’t see that he’s being selfish.

Original poster
confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 10:37

I did once try to drop them off then take the others to a nearby park. But by the time they had unloaded their gear, then we got out of the football traffic & found the place, we only had half an hour there before we left.

They can't really lift-share because they have all the balls, goals,cones etc & other people either don't have space in their cars or don't want it all...Hmm

And even if we could find a way, I'd rather have time together!

@CanIKondo me neither. I dread weekends now Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 10:55

Argh! We were supposed to be going out with my parents today so I told DH not to drop the car home between matches (second match at home so could walk). But I hadn't heard anything from my parents so rang them & they are not sure if they're going out any more, as my grandad has been taken to hospital & they've only just finished breakfast. So, again, I am stuck in the house & the boys are going mad.

Had planned to take the car to swimming today but if I go out I know my parents will ring & say they are going after all Hmm

OP posts:
muddledmidget · 17/11/2019 10:58

Drop them off at the match and take the car for as long as you want and they can wait for you to be ready to collect them. Their football can inconvenience them instead of you

dippydeedoo · 17/11/2019 11:06

I think the ultimate fact here and very understandable one, is that you’re feeling drained.
With no weekend plans other than staying home or going to limited options you are simply living everyday as a weekday with children too.
Will it always be football at weekends or is there less training out of season?
Something has to give, I think that being a career and having a child with additional needs is very hard and full on and I don’t see any ‘relief’ here for you at all.
Have you been clear with your dh about your feelings? I don’t think it’s so much the going out you want more a shared parenting weekend.

Dilkhush · 17/11/2019 11:08

Is there a local zoo or something near the football club? You could drop the others at football and go on from there sometimes with DC2 and DC3. If you had an annual membership it wouldn't matter if some of your visits were shorter than others.

Dilkhush · 17/11/2019 11:13

Our family life was dominated by music and a summer sport for many years. My DH also works from home and is over conscientious. We almost never had a family day on a Bank Holiday when other people did. I think people around me must have assumed I was a single parent.
Actually it was OK. We didn't make the perfect-family-together-in-the-Park memories, but we made other memories instead. It sometimes rankled to see the families, but honestly I don't know how happy they were anyway.

NormaBean · 17/11/2019 11:16

He seems like he has his priorities and needs you to fit around them. Sadly I don’t see how that can change if he’s unwilling to compromise on any level.

MrsSpenserGregson · 17/11/2019 11:16

This whole situation isn't fair at all, and you (OP) and your two younger sons are being massively disadvantaged here.

Your DH and DS1 are using all of the available "fun" money on season tickets, football club subs, match fees etc and - crucially - your DS1 is getting all of his dad's time and attention. Your two younger sons aren't getting time with dad, or any of the fun money spent on them. Your DS1 isn't getting any fun time with you.

You said that you don't have money for a second car or bus fares etc, but you have 3 season tickets for the football - which only 2 people out of the 5 people in your house are using. Season tickets are expensive! WTAF??!!!!

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 11:18

Get a cheap second car, he can take that and the 5yo to football. You need to start arranging your own stuff on weekends. Harder for your due to DS(8) but still doable. The football happens regardless of what you would rather do so you need to do something regardless of what DH wants to do when he gets home. Start being gone a lot and leaving him with the two DC to entertain in your absence.

Original poster
confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 11:28

@dippydeedoo has hit the nail on the head. It's not the going out, it's the lack of shared parenting & family time.

We cannot get a second car. Cannot afford it. Neither the initial cost of the car nor the tax/insurance/fuel each month. Plus I feel it is environmentally irresponsible to have 2 cars in a family that only needs 1.

They only pay for 1 season ticket as children's are free (until 12 I think). It's one of the smaller clubs so not as expensive as other season tickets. Still bloody unfair though Sad

OP posts: