I wish weekends were different (big rant!)

[confusedofengland]

I have posted about this before, so if you think it sounds familiar, it probably does, but I need to vent.

More & more, our weekends (our life!) are being taken over by football & I hate it so so much. There is training every Saturday, matches every Sunday, watching it on TV most weekends & watching it in person on the other weekends. This weekend, there was training 8.30-11.20 yesterday, then matches 9-2 today. Last weekend there was training 8.30-11, Premier league match 1-10pm Saturday, then matches 10.40-1 on Sunday. Then when they get back from training/playing there is another 1 hour on unpacking the car, showering & messages before they are really with us. On our recent holiday, DH spent approx 2 hours of each day on his phone (messages) sorting out a problem at the club

All of the above is DH & DS1 (10). DH is chairman of DS1'S club & coaches 2 teams. They support a Premier league side 2.5 hours' drive away. DH also spends many hours a week at the club, sorting out bins/draining/signage/whatever else plus 2-3 evening meetings a month.

When they are off at football of either sort, I am left with DS2 (8, ASC) & DS3 (5). They take our only car. We live in a village, don't have much money so getting buses is out of the question. We arrange to do things with friends/family when they are around, but most people want to do things with their own families at weekends.

DH doesn't get why I am so so fed up with it all. Doesn't acknowledge that he won't really be with us until 3pm today & by then it's nearly dark & he & DS1 are shattered & don't want to do anything except watch TV. He says that I am in the wrong for 'making the time we do have miserable by being annoyed'.

He has been talking about doing training 1 midweek evening instead of Saturdays, which would be amazing, but that won't happen until next season at the earliest. By that time, DS1 will be at senior school & less likely to want to spend time with us anyway!

That was such a long rant & maybe this is just what family life is like & IABU, but I'm so fed up with it all. It feels worse atm because of the wet days & dark nights, so I feel a bit trapped with the little 2

I wish it wouldn't last long! Ds1 has been playing football since age 6, DH has been coaching since he was 8, chairman for the last year. So it's got worse as time has gone on.

Again, we cannot afford a second car. It is not possible.

He commutes by train when he's working & DC's schools are in the village, so I have the car during the week.

Sounds quite normal to me! I have 2 ds aged 11 & 14 who both play football. Their matches on a Sunday are at different times & they train on different evenings. They both also play squash.

We don't do much as a family at weekends unless you count us all going to the same football match. Often we split it so I go to one & dp the other. I also do my own thing, like the parkrun . We do have 2 cars though & live within walking distance of the town centre which makes it easier.

Cant you go to watch a match occasionally, then go somewhere altogether after, even if it's only McDonalds? You could take the younger ones swimming or to a park whilst the match is on sometimes too. You could also take advantage of them watching football 1-10pm by going somewhere by yourself or with one of the younger boys. I think I'd ask them to cut down on the premier league matches though.

Does your H additionally coach/run at a football club and attend Premier league games 2.5 hours away, though? Leaving you with 2 Dc at home, one with additional needs, and no car somewhere remote?

Rosy, it may well be normal for a lot of families & I don't want it to be for mine! Also, your DC are older, so I'm guessing they had family weekends as children? My DS3 has never really had that, that he can remember, as this has been going on since he was 3

Is there a local zoo or something near the football club?

Bloody love MN for this sort of nonsense.

It's not about the football it's about you needing a break from the rest of the week- a change is as good as a rest.

I would tell your DH that he needs to step down as chairman at the end of the season and that he needs to do activities out of the house with the younger DC. Saturday afternoon swimming either as a family, he he takes them while you do something for yourself (I actually used to like to be alone in the house so I could clean and tidy with no children around), or just to have a wander around the shops by yourself.

Cant you go to watch a match

I was just wondering if there was any reason you can't all go along to support your eldest at his matches? This is my life too, training 2 nights a week, club games Sunday mornings, school games Saturday mornings. I'm a single parent though and personally I'd love it if someone could take mine occasionally so I could have at least one morning where I don't have to be out the door first thing. I actually feel a bit sorry for some of the boys as very few of their mums ever come along to support them, I can't imagine making my DS give up his passion for my convenience. I get that the coaching can be a bit all consuming but the fact is without parents volunteering there wouldn't be any clubs for the kids to play in.

I was just wondering if there was any reason you can't all go along to support your eldest at his matches?

There are 5 people in this family- not 2. 3 of them are already giving lots of support to 2 of them so they can enjoy their hobby- and you want them to now give up more time to show more support? When do the golden two show their support for the forgotten three?

I would tell your DH that he needs to step down as chairman at the end of the season and that he needs to do activities out of the house with the younger DC. Saturday afternoon swimming either as a family, he he takes them while you do something for yourself (I actually used to like to be alone in the house so I could clean and tidy with no children around), or just to have a wander around the shops by yourself.

Yep

I go & support DS1 whenever he gets picked for sporting events through school, plus any school plays, parent days etc. I even run a fortnightly book club at school which he is a member of. He does not miss out on my support. We also go down to meet them when matches are at home (1/4) & watch part of the match, but it's too much for the others otherwise, in particular DS2.

Is there any scope for you to join in? DH coaches DS1's U9 side on a Friday night, matches are Saturday morning and then he coaches girls' football on a Sunday morning. Plus all the midweek admin. I decided I'd have to join them if I was ever going to see them, so I got involved as well, and am now club welfare officer, registrations officer and junior secretary. I also sometimes work on the bar on a Saturday night.

I take DS2 (age 3) up to training at the club on a Friday in the summer. There are lots of little brothers and sisters there for him to play with and its a good chance for me to socialise with other parents (I work full time). I go to all matches and do the payments/registrations for the Sunday training so I go to that too. I do like football (luckily) and it takes up a lot of my time considering it's all voluntary (even the bar work), but I have met some of the most wonderful people and I do enjoy the social aspect of it. Both DC love it too and we are grateful they are growing up surrounded by people who will look out for them.

DH also has a season ticket for a premier league club around 1.5 hours away, so he's often out at matches if there's any spare time at the weekend. He's also done his level 2 coaching badges this year which has meant countless weekends where I've had both DC on my own, as he's been at training courses all weekend, and I've had to take all the kit to the matches etc.

I guess it depends on what the club he's at is like, but ours is a fabulously supportive community.

I do think it's worth thinking about it from ds1's perspective

He'd be resentful if you stopped some of it, as would your dh

I don't know, many men spend hours in the pub, at least they're being active

We have football training, matches and season ticket and sky sports.
I’m really grateful to all the coaches, including my dh.
If I was stuck at home with 2 dcs without a car every weekend, I’d probably be pissed off too.
We try to get out most days. Sometimes it’s just for a walk, park or bike ride locally and other times, other times kids cinema or just further afield.
Can you find a way to make this work? It might involve acceptance for the duration of the season or a compromise for a couple of weekend days a month where your dh doesn’t attend a game or record a game to watch later.

It's okay wishing things were different but are you just ranting ? You're saying no to everyone's suggestions

My boys both played junior football from aged 6, they're 15 and 17 now and still going, so I wouldn't hope it will fade away, especially with their DF a driving force. Mine and DH Sundays were often split as we went our separate ways with them, but that wasn't a problem for us.
Your DH needs to stop Saturday training and step down some of his commitments next season, there's no other way. And you need to get out the house one or two evenings and leave him with them. He's being massively unfair and needs to be made aware of the consequences if you split, that his current schedule will be impossible with sole charge of three DC half the week.

I think I would draw up a calendar which showed visually how the families time was spent, so your DH could see that all of your families time was spent on an activities just for two people.
I would also do a pie chart or similar setting out the costs for family activities and how much gets spent on each family member.
Maybe if it is all set out visually DH will be able to see how unbalanced family life is.
You and DH need to work together to make sure the family money is split much more equally and all dc get an equal share of DH's time.

Many of posters’ suggestions have involved OP “supporting” her H yet more. V 1950s.

It’s bonkers loopy. The “solution” to this man dumping his kids on his wife (who is already looking after a child with SN all week long) all weekend and some evenings is for her to be more supportive of him.

Us joining in is not an option. It would be beyond difficult with DS2's needs. Also, I don't see why I should devote my weekends to something I absolutely hate!

It makes me sad, because the DCs' childhoods are slipping away. He is great with the DC when he's there, but when he's only ever there for a maximum 2 half days at the weekend, I don't know if it's enough. We get a break of about 6 weeks in the summer, although often then there are friendlies, summer camps or World Cup etc on TV.

Anyway, he is home now, so he is going to take DS2 out on his bike then help with homework then cut the DCs' hair (once he's finished all the football messages, of course )

It's good your dh spends time with his son, so you need to find a way of managing the weekends

The DH has got TWO other sons that he doesn't spend time with. OP does not have to find a way of managing the weekends so that the man of the house and the chosen son get to have fun whilst her weekends are no different to week days.

Honestly, the enabling the chaps posts on here are a disgrace.

And if one more person tells OP to get a second car ...

He'd be resentful if you stopped some of it, as would your dh. I don't know, many men spend hours in the pub, at least they're being active

Jesus wept.

Again, have you actually had a proper convo??

Many conversations. That's where he said he'd try to move training to a weeknight. It hasn't happened. He knows how deeply unhappy I am & it doesn't seem to matter as much as it does if football is compromised. I'm expected to be grateful for crumbs of his time. So are DS2 & DS3

I think of the things you mention, following the Premier League club is the one that should go, at least whilst the children are growing up. Especially if he has no childhood or family connection with the club and is just a glory seeker (so if it is Manchester United, for example).

The car's the issue isn't it, really - it's probably good for DS1 having this time away from DS2 as being a sibling of a child on the autistic spectrum usually means taking a back seat and being expected to put up with a lot. DS3 will need to be involved as soon as he's a bit older.

I have 2 (out of 3) children who play football - we usually have training 4 times per week and two matches, because they play on different teams (U16 girls and U13 Boys).

Luckily we have two cars and car pool with 2 other families for each team (one family also has a player in each team). Also luckily DH doesn't support a professional team. DD sometimes goes to watch matches with a couple of friends by train, as friend's dad gets free tickets through work sometimes.

Our girls'team trainer always gets a lift. Everyone is grateful he gives up his time for free so he always gets a lift.

If you cannot afford another car DH and Dc1 have to car pool - they might sometimes need to take the car and give others lifts, but at least 50% of the time they should drive with someone else.

Perhaps it suits DH to have the car and he isn't really trying to organise car shares... That's what I'd be pushing for.

I also think that the issue is the car. Pretty much every family I know divides the children stuff during the weekends. The idea of a "family day" just isn't a thing.

We split between rugby, tennis and music school, but we have a car each so it isn't a problem. Meet up for family mealtimes. Most clubs rely on parent volunteers, so we both our bit to help (I am treasurer of one club, for example).

I think you need to have the car at least one day in the weekend. There must be someone who can lift share?