I wish weekends were different (big rant!)

[confusedofengland]

I have posted about this before, so if you think it sounds familiar, it probably does, but I need to vent.

More & more, our weekends (our life!) are being taken over by football & I hate it so so much. There is training every Saturday, matches every Sunday, watching it on TV most weekends & watching it in person on the other weekends. This weekend, there was training 8.30-11.20 yesterday, then matches 9-2 today. Last weekend there was training 8.30-11, Premier league match 1-10pm Saturday, then matches 10.40-1 on Sunday. Then when they get back from training/playing there is another 1 hour on unpacking the car, showering & messages before they are really with us. On our recent holiday, DH spent approx 2 hours of each day on his phone (messages) sorting out a problem at the club

All of the above is DH & DS1 (10). DH is chairman of DS1'S club & coaches 2 teams. They support a Premier league side 2.5 hours' drive away. DH also spends many hours a week at the club, sorting out bins/draining/signage/whatever else plus 2-3 evening meetings a month.

When they are off at football of either sort, I am left with DS2 (8, ASC) & DS3 (5). They take our only car. We live in a village, don't have much money so getting buses is out of the question. We arrange to do things with friends/family when they are around, but most people want to do things with their own families at weekends.

DH doesn't get why I am so so fed up with it all. Doesn't acknowledge that he won't really be with us until 3pm today & by then it's nearly dark & he & DS1 are shattered & don't want to do anything except watch TV. He says that I am in the wrong for 'making the time we do have miserable by being annoyed'.

He has been talking about doing training 1 midweek evening instead of Saturdays, which would be amazing, but that won't happen until next season at the earliest. By that time, DS1 will be at senior school & less likely to want to spend time with us anyway!

That was such a long rant & maybe this is just what family life is like & IABU, but I'm so fed up with it all. It feels worse atm because of the wet days & dark nights, so I feel a bit trapped with the little 2

Train to premier League matches - I would also say go to fewer of these.

I wouldn't support your DH alone having so much time for solo hobbies and dumping the children on you but do think it's good for siblings of children with special needs to have time with a parent without the sibling, because it's natural for the child with special needs to unintentionally dominate whole family time.

Dc3 will need this too - your DH needs to facilitate you having 1:1 with dc3 by looking after dc2 at home (you and dc3 go swimming maybe) if he doesn't start including him in the football supporting.

I don't think the issue is the car.
Why does all of the time and resources at the weekend get taken up by DH and one ds.
Because DH has been ruthless about putting his wants first and acting on that.
OP ranting on Mumsnet isn't going to change anything but it does give you space to think.
Do you know clearly what you want weekends to look like? Really clearly, what you would do, where you would go, how much it would cost?
When you know that you have to be as pushy as DH has been at making this happen. He isn't going to like it because if he was more thoughtful you wouldn't be in this position.
Insist of having the car a fair percentage of the time, more of the family isn't going to endless football than is.
Block out family days on a calendar in advance with DH and make him stick to them.
Point out that if you divorce he will have all 3 dc every other weekend and will have a lot less time for football.
He is treating you badly because you are letting him.

dreichwinter I don't think coaching your own child's team is putting your own wants first - it's volunteering, the same as being brown owl for your DD's brownie pack.

The premier League matches are different to the volunteer coaching

As far as hobbies go it could be worse but this sounds excessive.

I'm pretty sure that as children get older the "family days" thing doesn't happen much, at least that's my experience.

I often work a late-sleep in -early 24 hour shift Saturday to Sunday. Dc3 has a Sunday martial arts class, dc1 or 2 often have a football match or both do on different days. If one doesn't have a match they might be invited to a sleepover or we might host one, or they have other plans with friends.

When all the children are tiny the whole family days thing works, but by secondary age the children have their own lives. With 3 children the schedule often doesn't allow for many "family days" in term time.

My pre teen and teen both enjoy family days out in the holidays and they're more memorable and the older ones more enthusiastic for not being too frequent.

Ha my responses are the opposite tomthe 1950s!!

Get a second car so you don't rely on your husband

So you can take your other kids out

But then I work weekends, so does dh, he works Saturday's I work Sundays, loads of people domt have weekends when they have a second parent around, and work all week

I wouldn't stop my kid doing sport at the weekend, or my dh

My dad played golf all day Sunday, my mum was organising church events often on Saturdays

Book something nice for a weekend for yourself, you sound in desperate need of a spa trip or something.
He can sort the other children out. Like you do every weekend.
Selfish pig. He’s a father to 3 not 1. And a husband.

@notnowmaybelater I think it is putting your own interests first if you love football and all things related to it and your DW is asking you to spend time with her and other dc including one with additional support needs.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with supporting your dc's club but it needs to be balanced with supporting the whole families needs.

It is the lack of balance that isn't working. DH is plainly happier putting his efforts into running the dc football club rather than parenting his other dc. This is a choice he is making repeatedly despite his dw being clear this is making her very unhappy.

They need to work out a whole family compromise where everyone gets some of what they want.

Hi OP this sounds really unfair on you TBH. Can you drop him off and see if he can get a taxi back ? Or he gets Taxi there and you collect him?I think he enjoys his "hobby, and having lots of time gladhanding his footie mates and generally having a lovely "boys own "type weekend ! this is not fair on you at all .Maybe you could fix up a sleepover with a G/F or "go out " about 7am on sunday and he will see how it is being on his own all W/E !

Look ahead on the calendar & find some events that would be nice for all of you to go to/do. Then tell him we are ALL doing this on these dates. Someone else will have to coach/transport equipment/whatever. Plenty of notice, no excuse. Family Christmas activites/events are coming up so perfect timing.

Family days at the weekend happen regularly here. Because we prioritize that over another extracurricular activity. Dc like this.

The point is that you want this and your wants are as important as your dh's.

I grew up with the same, but it was cricket. DF and DB2 were totally obsessed. DF captained his local team and ran the juniors. DB too was county level and played all over the country. It took up all weekends throughout the summer, plus week evenings, and then somehow it would creep into winter too. In the end mum left them to it, and we managed to have our own little life separate from cricket. DB1 never had the bug. Just the younger brother.

It was the same in my house growing up. Plus cricket in the Summer! I made sure not to marry someone football mad as I knew I would hate it.

DS doesn't like football either, thankfully but I do spend weekends running DS to riding and other activities.

I agree the premier league stuff should go, and car sharing should be explored. The parents that benefit from what your DH does should share out the lifts and equipment between them.

He is great with the DC when he's there, but when he's only ever there for a maximum 2 half days at the weekend, I don't know if it's enough. We get a break of about 6 weeks in the summer,

Tbh op I feel you and a lot of other family's are lucky that you get family time at the weekends. DH and I both work on a Saturday and he nearly always works a Sunday also so we barely have any time together at the weekend unless we take annual leave.
I understand you feel it's unfair that you're not getting time as a family due to their hobby but for some family's this isn't even an option.

Bold fail on that post

Whist your DH needs to change training to a midweek and ensure football is only 1 day at the weekend, running a team does take a lot of time and commitment. My DF ran my team for 10yrs and DM would get annoyed at him spending too much time on it. But I wouldn't have been able to play football if he didn't run it ( girls team though so slightly different) and I am hugely grateful to both my parents for this. ( Plus it has given me and DF a great bond.)

dreichwinter I see that point - it's the supporting of the premier League matches that needs to go/ be cut back then, not the U11 Football Coaching. The coaches are every bit as valuable as a brown owl/ guide leader is to the entire community, and of course they need to enjoy it or nobody would do it.

I sure as hell wouldn't want this wk end life. Realistically what are your options, assuming this is not going to change?

jojojowo I'm so incredibly grateful for the coach of our girl's team despite the fact neither DH nor I has any interest in football. It's so important to DD - so many pre-teen and teen girls give up on sport completely, but football gives DD a hobby, a sport, and a stable social group which gets her out of the house at an age where so many girls are just mooching about glued to their phones.

The same is true for my DS1's football club (and DS2's martial arts - although that's not run by a volunteer he gets some of the all round benefits) all give the DC so much.

I don't think volunteering in your child's sport club should be shot down in the same way going off solo cycling/ golfing/ iron manning/ following a sports team without your children in tow or playing for your own 5 a side or amateur rugby team then going out drinking afterwards deserves to be if it takes up half of every weekend.

I think it would be different if he actually got paid for it, or at the very least got some recognition- not the barrage of abusive messages he had from one parent during our family holiday, meaning he took 2 hours plus per day replying

I sometimes (ad hoc, but maybe 10 times so far in as many months) work at weekends, but that is bringing in money for the family, not doing an activity for less than half of them.

confusedofengland he needs to set boundaries - no emailing him on holiday, one day per week on which he deals with administration, car pools.

What happens, out of interest, if your ad hoc work clashes with a U11 Match? Who has the car? Who looks after dc2 and 3?

If your DH didn't coach would you expect your dc1 to stop playing?

My DH was a coach for many years & it does eat up a lot of time. It's a really great thing to do for the kids though. When we reached a point where we thought it was too much, DH managed to recruit other parents to help, so he didn't need to go every week.

We now take turn about going to the matches. I was reluctant at first, as I've never liked football. Watching your own child & friends is different though. I absolutely love it, and look forward to it being my turn to go!