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Original poster

I wish weekends were different (big rant!)

137 replies

confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 09:25

I have posted about this before, so if you think it sounds familiar, it probably does, but I need to vent.

More & more, our weekends (our life!) are being taken over by football & I hate it so so much. There is training every Saturday, matches every Sunday, watching it on TV most weekends & watching it in person on the other weekends. This weekend, there was training 8.30-11.20 yesterday, then matches 9-2 today. Last weekend there was training 8.30-11, Premier league match 1-10pm Saturday, then matches 10.40-1 on Sunday. Then when they get back from training/playing there is another 1 hour on unpacking the car, showering & messages before they are really with us. On our recent holiday, DH spent approx 2 hours of each day on his phone (messages) sorting out a problem at the club

All of the above is DH & DS1 (10). DH is chairman of DS1'S club & coaches 2 teams. They support a Premier league side 2.5 hours' drive away. DH also spends many hours a week at the club, sorting out bins/draining/signage/whatever else plus 2-3 evening meetings a month.

When they are off at football of either sort, I am left with DS2 (8, ASC) & DS3 (5). They take our only car. We live in a village, don't have much money so getting buses is out of the question. We arrange to do things with friends/family when they are around, but most people want to do things with their own families at weekends.

DH doesn't get why I am so so fed up with it all. Doesn't acknowledge that he won't really be with us until 3pm today & by then it's nearly dark & he & DS1 are shattered & don't want to do anything except watch TV. He says that I am in the wrong for 'making the time we do have miserable by being annoyed'.

He has been talking about doing training 1 midweek evening instead of Saturdays, which would be amazing, but that won't happen until next season at the earliest. By that time, DS1 will be at senior school & less likely to want to spend time with us anyway!

That was such a long rant & maybe this is just what family life is like & IABU, but I'm so fed up with it all. It feels worse atm because of the wet days & dark nights, so I feel a bit trapped with the little 2

OP posts:

Dilkhush · 17/11/2019 11:28

It doesn't sound to me as though you'll be able to change this set up for the time being.
Work out how much your family is spending on football as a weekly cost. This includes kit, Sport TV packages, membership subs, match fees, petrol, season tickets etc. Show DH how much money is being spent on an activity that only 2 of the 5 of you enjoy.
Use this information to start getting buses and taxis regularly to things you want to do. Then you can enjoy your weekend days instead of feeling so resentful and that would be better for all of you.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 11:32

Right well in that case you need to have a very honest and direct conversation with your DH and ask him to give up some part of this all consuming hobby. It simply is not fair that he gets to take all this time from you and you have no choice but to stay home and look after the children while he does it. That’s not a partnership.

Original poster

confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 11:33

Dill, I have thought about doing that many times. But spending money we don't have, on top of the money already going out would only make things worse. Also, I'd rather facilitate us all being together when that is actually possible.

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 11:39

Also, I'd rather facilitate us all being together when that is actually possible.

Why when the person you are trying to be with doesn’t want that?

QuentinWinters · 17/11/2019 11:43

Plus I feel it is environmentally irresponsible to have 2 cars in a family that only needs 1.
You dont only need one, you need two because of DH weekend commitments.
I agree re sky sports/season tickets. It's not fair at all for him to get all these pleasurable luxuries while you get trapped at home every weekend without a car

Original poster

confusedofengland · 17/11/2019 11:43

So that my 2 younger DC can feel like their dad cares about them as much as he does a game.

OP posts:

Dilkhush · 17/11/2019 11:44

I would urge you to go ahead and calculate the cost of the football. If nothing else it might be a wake up call to your DH. Maybe there's a bit that he would be willing to cut back on the spending so that you can go out more.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 17/11/2019 11:48

So that my 2 younger DC can feel like their dad cares about them as much as he does a game.

That’s up to him to show them. By him choosing to be with them. You don’t need to be there with them for that. Leave the DC with him when he gets home and you go off somewhere. Find your own hobby.

Dilkhush · 17/11/2019 11:48

The two younger DSs may not be as upset as you think about having less time with their DH. Also, oldest DS may go off doing that much football in a couple of years as secondary school friendships kick in. By which time youngest DS may be spending lots of time with DH playing football.
Middle DS spending time with DH is an issue, but I would not link it to football.
Could you cultivate some single mum friends? They may also be looking to do things at weekends...

MrsSpenserGregson · 17/11/2019 11:48

The fact remains that 100% of the fun budget, and 100% of dad's time, is being spent on only 40% of the members of the family though.

Basically, your DH's football hobby is stopping you and your two younger sons from having hobbies or doing anything outside the house at weekends. How is this in any way reasonable?!

Your DH doesn't view football as something that's negotiable. To him, it is an absolute given that football happens and that everything else slots around this. This is your problem. I'd be furious with him.

apacketofcrisps · 17/11/2019 11:51

Have you had an honest conversation with him about it?

Dowser · 17/11/2019 11:51

Definitely sounds like someone is prioritising their needs and wants over the rest of the families .
That’s a horrible situation to be in op
When I was a relationship counsellor with relate..it was described as three in the marriage, you him and football.

Either you need to have your own car...or you need to sit down with him and see how you can equalise your leisure time.
I’d hate it.

Dowser · 17/11/2019 11:56

My nana had a word for husbands like this..they are good to themselves.

So true

GrapefruitGin · 17/11/2019 11:58

It’s tough, I totally understand. My DH manages one team, scouts for another and coaches another as well as working a full time 9-5. I work shift work, we hardly spent time together. I sat him down last week, told him how I support his passion and appreciate football has been part of his life since he was small but it’s taking a huge toll on our relationship and I’m not sure l can continue like this. He quit his management role the day after, holding on to coaching once a week during term time and his scouting position. It’s a sacrifice for him but in his words his relationship is worth more. If you were to sit down with your DH and explain the affect it’s really having on you and your relationship, perhaps he will make some changes?

Butterymuffin · 17/11/2019 12:04

I see what you're saying, but you are refusing to look at any solution here other than the ideal one, where you all spend time all together. That's not going to happen, at least not straight away, because your husband simply doesn't see it as a priority, and you can't make someone want something to happen - that only comes, if at all, when thinking and motivations change over a period of time. So let go of the ideal, for now, and start thinking of what options would be better than the current set up for you and/or the two younger DC. Alternating the car for weekends would be one option. Husband taking DC2 far more often would be another.

Why haven't you rung him today, btw, to say things have now changed and you do need him to bring the car back between matches after all? That wouldn't be unreasonable.

QuentinWinters · 17/11/2019 12:04

I also think it sounds like you are appealing to his better nature to see it's not fair and sort it out. But he knows that and doesn't change so that isn't going to work.

You need to find an action that makes your weekend more pleasurable and just do it. Make resolving the consequences up to him.

I think I'd buy another car. Or tell him you get the car every other w/e, as previous poster suggested

Dowser · 17/11/2019 12:06

This so could have been my life op
I met my first husband when he was 19 and playing for a Sunday league but he quit without any prompting for me
Probably the team was going their separate ways and they they were suffering too much after a Saturday night piss up
I hope you can sort it. As much for his sake as yours
You can’t get this time back With your family..a few years down the line and they’ll have spread their wings ..and you’ll be looking at each other thinking, hasn’t the house gone quiet.
You need to put some groundwork in now and have some common ground with at least something you can enjoy doing together now and then.
I’ve seen it with my Dd and her family.but her and her husband enjoy seeing a band occasionally and will try to get to a couple of events in a year.

rainywinterday · 17/11/2019 12:10

If you split up (just for example) and you had 50% custody - what would he do? How would he manage all 3 children AND all his football commitments 50% of the week.....he can only do this because you facilitate it for him.

I agree it's a healthy hobby but not at the expense of everything else. I have an autistic son (only child) and DH and agree that parenting a SEN child is a 2 man job...and we don't have 2 other children to factor in. He's being SO selfish and his needs (and those of your DS1) are coming first. Your other 2 children will start to notice more and more each year.

It might just be about football but it's what it says about your family that it more upsetting - I don't think I could live like this.

SmudgeButt · 17/11/2019 12:11

Get up first and take the car leaving DH to deal with everything else including any pending housework, meals, etc.

PlinkPlink · 17/11/2019 12:15

Commitments like this only work if absolutely everyone is on board.

I played rugby for a while and it was a pretty all-consuming hobby. Tuesday and thursday nights training 6pm til 8.30pm. Sunday game and the rest of the day spent at the clubhouse.
On top of that, charity days, publicity days at the local uni, nights out as a team, watching international games at the clubhouse etc.

If everyone is on board it works, but if not, it can cause issues.

It's not fair to expect you to do this all the time. You are totally right to want to do something else with your family and your DH is ABU to expect you to be okay with it.

He needs to compromise because it already sounds like you're the only one compromising.

I don't know how to go about this though. Do your children express hat they want to do something else?

TabbyStar · 17/11/2019 12:17

This was what my childhood was like with my DF and DB. I hate football now as it completely dominated our weekends, and even worse I couldn’t play once I was 11 because was a girl. Though in the end my DB stopped playing because he was sick of DF being overbearing, that was after I left home though. So I feel your pain from a different angle!

bigchris · 17/11/2019 12:45

We cannot get a second car. Cannot afford it. Neither the initial cost of the car nor the tax/insurance/fuel each month. Plus I feel it is environmentally irresponsible to have 2 cars in a family that only needs 1

I think sometimes you have to suck up your principles for the benefit of you and you're younger kids
All well and good to be environmental aware unless you live where you can't get about, have a special needs child and are as good as a stay at home mum with a husband out with the car 12 hours a day , how do you do the school run ??

bigchris · 17/11/2019 12:46

Plus you can afford it if he's got season tickets and sky

Time to tell him what's what but to be honest sounds like you're done with him

MrsT1405 · 17/11/2019 13:02

My take on this is, that while it feels selfish on your dhs part, it may well not last long. As dc1 grows the footy may well fade and he'll want to be with his mates. It's good your dh spends time with his son, so you need to find a way of managing the weekends . Can you parents help? As I say it may only be a short while.

Loopytiles · 17/11/2019 13:14

May not last long? Sounds like it already has. This is a man who prioritises his hobbies over his family.

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