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Original poster

Partner wants me to abort pregnancy or he leaves

126 replies

Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:00

Title says it all really...

I found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant, I have PCOS and was always told I would need medical intervention to fall pregnant again. Me and my partner have been together coming up 3 years, I am early 30s, he is late 30s. We both have a child each from a previous marriage but he has had quite a traumatic time- him and his ex lived with his parents when baby was born, she had post natal depression, he worked all hours. They eventually split up when baby was 9 months old and she moved 5 hours away so he only had access every few weeks. They still have a difficult relationship.

He has asked me to have an abortion or he will walk, he says he is not mentally strong enough to have a baby and this has him on the edge. He has historically tried to take his life (17 year ago) and over the last year has mentioned quite a few times that he is ‘struggling’ but has never sought any help. He told me around a year ago he didn’t want to ever marry me or have children. We do love each other and have a happy relationship. My life is in turmoil, financially I would struggle alone.
Deep down I don’t want to abort this baby but I don’t think I can go it alone

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2019 15:04

If "deep down" you want this baby, you would regret having an abortion for the rest of your life. If he wants to leave, escort him to the door. You don't need a man like him in your life, anyway. He's a twat and a coward.

sonjadog · 12/11/2019 15:05

Forget about him and what he wants and think about what you want. Do you really want this baby? If so, how would that work practically? Make a plan for raising the child alone and then reassess what is the best to do.

Travis1 · 12/11/2019 15:05

Unfortunately whatever happens now your relationship is over. You keep the baby and he walks, you abort the baby and resent him forever.

So either way you will be on your own. Can you cope with a baby? Emotionally/financially? I have PCOS too and if I was in your situation I know which I'd chose but this has to be what is best for you.

Good luck Flowers

JuneSpoon · 12/11/2019 15:12

So he's not mentally strong enough to have a baby. Are you mentally strong enough to have an abortion? Would you ever forgive him? Would you ever forgive yourself?

That he tried to commit suicide in the past doesn't mean he decides what happens with your baby. If he has mental health concerns then he needs to go to the gp and sort things out.

To threaten suicide is a form of control.

If I were you I'd leave him and keep the baby

Original poster
Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:14

I just feel so bad in him, no one wants to think they are causing their partners mental health to be worse- I appreciate the irony as he is not giving me the same care.

Financially things would be difficult, I earn a decent salary (35k) living in the NE...but my housing costs are high- then childcare on top but people on less than me make it work!

It's so out of character because he is a lovely man, a doting dad. I just can't help but feel it's either me (we have had ups and downs but generally we are happy) or his past experience scares him. He just jams up and repeats that he 'doesn't want it' when I try to talk.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 12/11/2019 15:19

Since he won't even engage with you, you need to accept that your relationship is over. You don't want an abortion. So do NOT have one. He walks, oh well. If he were that adamant about never having anymore children he should have had a vasectomy. I'd tell him it's not up for discussion, I'm not having a medical procedure on my body that I don't want.

Mjlp · 12/11/2019 15:32

You say deep down you want the baby, so if you were to have an abortion you'd probably regret it and blame him and it'd be the end of your relationship anyway.

It all seems to be about what he wants and how he feels. He doesn't seem to care less about how you feel or what you want. I'm sorry but he doesn't sound like a very good partner anyway. Flowers

Reallybadidea · 12/11/2019 15:41

Regardless of whether you stay together then he will need to give you some financial support (at least in theory). If he's generally a decent man it may be that he comes round in time anyway, but obviously you need to be prepared to go it alone. His mental health issues are not your responsibility. He may or may not be manipulating you consciously but it is a manipulative thing to threaten suicide. You mustn't let this sway you from doing what is right for you.

Babochan88 · 12/11/2019 15:43

Whatever happens, this relationship seems doomed. Keep the baby. Every child is a blessing, especially this miracle baby!

onthecoins · 12/11/2019 15:43

Why wasn't he using a condom if he did not want a child?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 12/11/2019 15:44

I would take an ultimatum like this as a declaration of war to be honest. He would blackmail you - with him being the prize?

Deep down - what do you want?

Original poster
Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:45

Sorry I don't think I've posted that clearly, he hasn't directly threatened suicide he said that mentally he can't cope.

I wish I was a stronger person

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/11/2019 15:49

Unfortunately whatever happens now your relationship is over

Pretty much. If you do, you'll resent him and leave anyway. Even if God forbid you miscarried, his relief will be palpable and you'll end up hating him anyway.

I couldn't respect someone who would quite happily have unprotected sex but won't own the consequences of that. Even if you thought you'd need assistance, he should have used condoms to make sure.

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 16:05

Let him walk now then make your decision later.

If he didn't want another child he should have been a bit more careful, shouldn't he?

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/11/2019 16:06

Dump the man. Keep the baby. ( if you want to)

StarlingsInSummer · 12/11/2019 16:06

Whether or not you choose to keep your baby, dump the loser.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/11/2019 16:08

Did he even try and avoid pregnancy? Did he use contraception?

Strangerthingshere · 12/11/2019 16:10

I agree your relationship is probably over either way. Deep down you want the baby, if you do as he is asking you will resent him. Financially you can make it work, as you have said, people on less do. Nobody wants to go it alone, but it doesn't mean you aren't capable.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2019 16:10

Look, boot him out and forget about him. Once he's chosen to use the 'My mental health, waaah' as a justification for being given his own way, he will keep doing it, and you will be forever tiptoeing round him. Life is too short to spend it pandering to a self-obsessed man. If you want to continue the pregnancy, go ahead, it's up to you, not this whinyarse.

sue51 · 12/11/2019 16:11

Take the man out of the equation. Are you prepared to be a lone parent again?

Elieza · 12/11/2019 16:13

It’s your body and your choice. Yes you could struggle but lots of people earn less than you and manage.

The fact that he has mental health issues and has not gone to the gp would be more of a deal breaker for me. I get that he’s had a bad experience he doesn’t want to repeat but this is an accident which could be your last option to have a baby due to your pcos and the expense of fertility procedures and ivf etc.

Do don’t let him railroad you. You opinion is valid too. What do you want? Could you be ok after a termination? Could you still love him afterwards? Do you want another baby? How would that affect your career?
Lots of questions to ask yourself.
Perhaps read old similar post on here or post one yourself about your financial situation and ask others how they manage?

Whoops75 · 12/11/2019 16:15

He is already struggling to parent the child he has.
In your situation I would dump him first and the next decide if you can go it alone.

Mummymushroom · 12/11/2019 16:22

Have you got a strong relationship. It could be totally different this time. It sounds like the last relationship traumatized him a bit. So he is scared of what will happen. Talk to him tell him you won't have an abortion. It IS your decision. Good luck

BumbleBeee69 · 12/11/2019 16:30

don't let him walk OP .. KICK HIS ARSE OUT FIRST?! the selfish entitled bastard...

Please keep your much wanted baby... and don't let any man tell you otherwise... you WILL be okay lady.. Flowers

pooopypants · 12/11/2019 16:45

If you want this baby and abort anyway, you'll resent him for forcing your hand and 'making you' do something you don't want to.

Plenty of people earn less and manage. It's doable. Consider yourself, first & foremost. Because he's only thinking of himself. If he wanted to ensure he didn't father more children, he should have worn a condom.