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Original poster

Partner wants me to abort pregnancy or he leaves

126 replies

Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:00

Title says it all really...

I found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant, I have PCOS and was always told I would need medical intervention to fall pregnant again. Me and my partner have been together coming up 3 years, I am early 30s, he is late 30s. We both have a child each from a previous marriage but he has had quite a traumatic time- him and his ex lived with his parents when baby was born, she had post natal depression, he worked all hours. They eventually split up when baby was 9 months old and she moved 5 hours away so he only had access every few weeks. They still have a difficult relationship.

He has asked me to have an abortion or he will walk, he says he is not mentally strong enough to have a baby and this has him on the edge. He has historically tried to take his life (17 year ago) and over the last year has mentioned quite a few times that he is ‘struggling’ but has never sought any help. He told me around a year ago he didn’t want to ever marry me or have children. We do love each other and have a happy relationship. My life is in turmoil, financially I would struggle alone.
Deep down I don’t want to abort this baby but I don’t think I can go it alone

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 17/11/2019 20:17

Keep the baby leave the man. I think you will regret it is you pander to him only for him to have a midlife crisis and run off with someone from the office in a year..

Doobydoo · 17/11/2019 20:23

Not yet read full threadbut I agree with Travis1. I also agree from experience.

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 17/11/2019 20:26

Bit brutal spongedog, what's happened has happened, there's no point berating OP.

I don't think your relationship is over OP, I think you both need to sit down and talk properly. Tell him you are not willing to have an abortion just because he wants one. Tell him he is welcome to walk if he wants but you think you can both sort this out, like adults! He can get therapy to help him with his fears/mental health and tell him your mental health will suffer if you abort - why should his needs top yours?

Please don't get an abortion if you don't want one, especially after losing your Dad so recently, you will be grieving for two people and you will hate your DP forever.

Roselilly36 · 17/11/2019 20:26

Don’t be pressured into an abortion OP. Good luck.

Teachermaths · 17/11/2019 20:29

You have a difficult decision to make OP Flowers

Make your decision based on you being alone. Don't abort a baby for a relationship, equally don't keep a baby you can't provide for (emotionally, financially etc).

Sometimes the long term right decision isn't easiest in the short term. Only you know how you feel about raising a child alone.

Whatever happens I think your relationship is over.

IncrediblySadToo · 17/11/2019 20:41

He’s made a choice. He could have embraced the opportunity to have a family with you and your DD and his DC when possible, but he hasn’t, he’s chosen to act like a twat. Giving you an ultimatum is horrible. Tell him you chose his unborn baby over him acting like a twat.

He has chosen not to deal with his Ex, their child or his MH and now you’re the one suffering for that.

Your MH will suffer if you have an abortion you don’t want...and your relationship is very unlikely to survive you having an abortion.

MouseClogs · 17/11/2019 20:45

I think the reality here in simple terms is that the chances you will regret an abortion are exceedingly high, and if you choose to proceed with the pregnancy the chances you will regret having the child in x years time are almost nil.

If you surveyed a thousand women who ended a relationship by proceeding with a pregnancy their partner wanted them to abort, I doubt you’d even find one who 10 years down the line wished they’d had the abortion and kept the man.

Bowerbird5 · 17/11/2019 20:52

This might be your only chance to have another child.It is a little life.
He might leave you in a few years anyway. He might grow to love the child and you might become a close family because of it. Men don't always do what they say anyway. It is easy when he can't see it. I hope you make the right choice for you.

Whattodoabout · 17/11/2019 20:58

It may be your last chance to have a second child but it’s entirely up to you of course, existing children obviously always take precedence. If you think you can cope with two including a newborn alone then go for it. It does mean you will be tied to him for the rest of your life and I’m not sure whether your relationship will survive this so it’s whether you can be bothered communicating with him for the next 18+ years or not really.

I think you need to remove the relationship from the equation because I doubt it will survive this. He isn’t treating you respectfully and he’s essentially blackmailing you into making a decision he wants.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/11/2019 21:01

Umm bye then I mean fuck him and the horse he rode in on "mentally strong enough" fucking hell he needs to grow balls

Original poster
Jr1988 · 17/11/2019 21:02

Thank you for all the advice. I am going to go to the clinic on Tuesday and hopefully speak to one of the councillors.

We've had his little boy this weekend and I've struggled to even look at him, I feel horrible for even saying that. It I really struggled.

In my head it would all be great, the kids would love another sibling, I think it would bring me closer to his family- he's very close to his family and I just don't feel that link/ bond with them. When he said he didn't want more kids I accepted it but hoped he would change his mind- I did think by the time that happened any opportunity for more kids would have gone due to his age. I just feel like this was meant to happen, like it's been sent from my dad (I know how crazy that sounds) I just wish he would talk to someone about his MH but he won't

OP posts:
Original poster
Jr1988 · 17/11/2019 21:04

I think I would cope fine, my daughter is an absolute angel, she's no bother. Our relationship has drifted slightly as she's gotten older and more independent, I think it would help us bond if anything

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 17/11/2019 21:11

You say that deep down you don’t want to abort so I think that is your answer. Keep the baby.

You could abort the baby and he could walk away anyway. Then you have lost both. In your position knowing that I had been told I would need medical intervention to get pregnant there is no way I would abort a baby I wanted to appease a man.

mariposa23 · 17/11/2019 21:14

I really don't think you should have an abortion, you will hate him for it & when he buggers off sooner or later u will be left thinking you got rid of your baby for him.
Raising kids is tough & yeh u might struggle some days but it doesn't mean you love them any less right?!

slipperywhensparticus · 17/11/2019 21:17

Personally if a man tells me about or else I'm already dumping him because his arse is out the door he really thinks nothing of you in those circumstances its disrespectful and nasty and I dont need that in my life

Arella · 17/11/2019 21:25

It is really clear that you want to keep this pregnancy. I also think you need to value your own mental health here because it sounds like his attitude is having a negative effect on your well-being. I am afraid he does not get to decide what you do, and I think you will end up resenting him if you have an abortion when it is not what you want. You already found it difficult to look at his child.

Why are you going to the clinic? Do you want the counsellor to tell you not to have an abortion because you don’t want to? Why is it not enough for you to know that yourself?

You have just had a bereavement this year (and I am sorry to hear that Flowers) so you are so vulnerable. But if you want to keep your pregnancy, you have a salary and you will be able to find a way through with housing and so on. It probably seems doubly scary to lose your relationship after losing your dad, but if you have an abortion against your own will, how much of your relationship will survive?

Your partner is responsible for his own mental health, you are not.

Prevegen4U · 17/11/2019 21:27

I wouldn't want a baby of his or him for that matter.

Chloemol · 17/11/2019 21:33

You must do what you want. As others have said surely this relationship is over either way. You don’t want to abort the baby, and let’s be honest it would be you coping with the emotional fallout, not him he will just carry on.

If you want the baby keep it and he doesn’t then ask him to leave. Do you have family or friends who can help out?

EllaEllaE · 17/11/2019 21:36

This is so hard, I'm so sorry.

A thing to think about, is that it is very challenging to live long-term with someone who has serious mental health problems but refuses to get help. He won't talk, he won't get help, he just wants to stick his head in the sand even if that means causing you suffering. If it's like this for this crisis, it will be the same or worse in other crises as you get older. That means this relationship is only going to get harder as you get older, whether or not you get through this and keep/don't keep the baby.

The whole thing about saying he will never get married or have kids again: is he saying that he never intends to be in a fully committed relationship again? I know some people don't get married but are still very committed to each other, but perhaps think seriously about what signs he has shown you as to whether he really is properly committed to you long term.

It seems like, as lovely as he might be, this is someone who has untreated mental health problems and isn't willing to get any treatment. He may be right that he isn't capable of having another child. But reading between the lines, it also sounds like he isn't capable of really being a good partner to you either.

Starlight456 · 17/11/2019 21:48

You do need to factor your pcos I. This it may be your last chance .

If you abort a baby you want because that’s what he wants you ar doomed. You say it doesn’t feel that because you sound like you are already in a position of he had an Od 17 years ago has issues ( he refuses to address). You already find having his Ds hard .

You will find a way to do this if that’s what you want.

Things cannot go back to the way they were no matter what decision you make.

restingbitchfacenot · 17/11/2019 21:55

What @Aquamarine1029 said!

BumbleBeee69 · 17/11/2019 22:29

I believe he will walk away as soon as you have this termination OP... Flowers

please do not terminate, if it's fear of losing him driving you to this decision.

titnomatani · 17/11/2019 22:35

Tell the fucker to walk and come back once he's addressed his many issues. Keep the baby.

SirVixofVixHall · 17/11/2019 22:43

I know two people who aborted babies under pressure from a partner, and it was horrendous, heartbreaking. The only reason to have one would be if you absolutely felt it was what you wanted. Do not have one under duress or coercion. Neither relationship lasted, for obvious reasons.
Another friend was being pressured into an abortion but after telling her Mum, her Mum rang her boyfriend’s parents and went nuclear, they went nuclear with him, she had the baby, and he has been a surprisingly good Dad. They are still together.
So my feeling is, get a termination you don’t want under pressure from your boyfriend and your relationship is doomed.
Have the baby if you want to, and it may be doomed, or he may adjust and be ok.

Mummymushroom · 18/11/2019 10:47

Everything you said in your last post makes a lot of sense. I think you know which way YOU want to go. My eldest adores her youngest brother. If you need to talk to someone you could PM me.

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