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Original poster

Partner wants me to abort pregnancy or he leaves

126 replies

Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:00

Title says it all really...

I found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant, I have PCOS and was always told I would need medical intervention to fall pregnant again. Me and my partner have been together coming up 3 years, I am early 30s, he is late 30s. We both have a child each from a previous marriage but he has had quite a traumatic time- him and his ex lived with his parents when baby was born, she had post natal depression, he worked all hours. They eventually split up when baby was 9 months old and she moved 5 hours away so he only had access every few weeks. They still have a difficult relationship.

He has asked me to have an abortion or he will walk, he says he is not mentally strong enough to have a baby and this has him on the edge. He has historically tried to take his life (17 year ago) and over the last year has mentioned quite a few times that he is ‘struggling’ but has never sought any help. He told me around a year ago he didn’t want to ever marry me or have children. We do love each other and have a happy relationship. My life is in turmoil, financially I would struggle alone.
Deep down I don’t want to abort this baby but I don’t think I can go it alone

OP posts:

JigsawsAreInPieces · 12/11/2019 17:23

It's not his decision to make. Your body, your choice. He could have used a condom!

Sorry that your relationship seems to be over. It's shitty for you because he's not there for you, it hurts.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/11/2019 22:48

How are you OP ?

BingoLittlesUncle · 17/11/2019 00:03

Whatever you do about the baby, abort the man. If he is going to start offering ultimatums the relationships on its last legs if not actually over.

Original poster

Jr1988 · 17/11/2019 12:08

I have an appointment on Tuesday at the abortion clinic. I have asked to speak to someone before going ahead.

I have cried every day, all day pretty much. I don't feel like I am in a good place mentally, consumed with sadness and just feel like I am drowning

OP posts:

Dowser · 17/11/2019 12:20

You must not abort your baby if you feel like this
Honestly it sounds like someone is holding a gun to your head.
My husband wanted me to abort our third baby and I refused.
I could never have lived with myself.
He’s turned out to be a gorgeous funny, caring man who has given me three wonderful grandsons.

Don’t let this man rule your life.
After aborting your baby , he could still turn round and walk out on you.
( like my ex did)

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 17/11/2019 12:50

Op, I don't necessarily think your relationship is over. He is just scared after last time.

If you don't want an abortion don't have one, because you will end up regretting it and hating him forever. Give him time, by the time your baby is born he maybe come round anyway.

My DSis had similar with her DH, he was adamant he didn't want the baby (was really horrible and didn't speak to her for weeks) - that baby is now 15 and he dotes on him. I think he was just scared.

CANCEL your appointment, it's not what you want

EstebanTheMagnificent · 17/11/2019 12:51

Please don’t terminate your pregnancy if you don’t want to.

AlwaysCheddar · 17/11/2019 12:54

It doesn't sound like you want to abort the baby. As pp said, your relationship is over whatever you decide to do. You need to decide if YOU want the baby, just you, not his decision, as you wont be with him for much longer regardless. You'll hate him forever if you abort. He's a shit.

millymollymoomoo · 17/11/2019 13:11

I can understand his concerns - it just be traumatic for him to have had his child move 5 hours ago making being a dad hard. He’s likely scared this will end the same way.

Have you both actually had a proper conversation about what’s driving his anxiety/panic etc?

Ultimately I wouldn’t rush to make any decision but keep talking to him.

If you don’t want to abort don’t but you may need to be prepared to be alone and think of the implications of that.

Scarydinosaurs · 17/11/2019 13:17

It is not your fault.

He should have worn condoms, had a vasectomy or abstained from sex If he didn’t want a baby.

If you feel as if you want to keep the baby, you should. Not every child is planned- that doesn’t make a jot of difference once the baby is here.

Put yourself and your child first and make a decision for you, not him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/11/2019 13:27

Don’t abort a baby you want.

If he’s not coping he can see his gp, get treatment & a referral to the cpn.

Forcing you to abort is not a mh treatment.

Whoops75 · 17/11/2019 13:59

I hope you have a friend to go with you on Tuesday.

I would support a friend in your situation, it’s ok to chose what’s best for you.

dontlickthelamp · 17/11/2019 14:02

Please don’t abort this baby if you don’t want to

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 17/11/2019 14:05

I have cried every day, all day pretty much. I don't feel like I am in a good place mentally, consumed with sadness and just feel like I am drowning

It sounds like you couldn't cope with a termination. Why do you feel you need to put his mental health above your own? You're the one who is pregnant, you decide whether you can keep the baby or not. If you want it, you can make it work on your own. Please please do not terminate a baby you want to keep. Your relationship is over either way, you'll never be able to forgive him for pushing you into it.

PickAChew · 17/11/2019 14:07

Your relationship will never be the same again. Let him walk and decide if you want to keep the baby, regardless of him. This man is happy to break your heart for some nebulous idea of his own mental health. He will never put you first. If you want a child, you many never have one if you stay with him. Is this how you want to live the next half a century?

Whoops75 · 17/11/2019 14:13

I have cried every day, all day pretty much. I don't feel like I am in a good place mentally, consumed with sadness and just feel like I am drowning

It sounds like you couldn't cope with a termination.

Sounds to me like being tied to this man will continue to damage your MH

You’re between a rock and a hard place.

Please think of yourself OP and do what’s best for you.

MulticolourMophead · 17/11/2019 14:16

If he's struggling to cope he needs to visit his GP, not try and force you into an abortion you don't want.

I think this relationship is effectively over. Don't abort to keep him, it's go sour because you'll eventually resent him.

MulticolourMophead · 17/11/2019 14:17

Oh, and I wouldn't be surprised to find that your MH improves without him around.

HeavyMetalHoneyMonster · 17/11/2019 14:22

Terminate your relationship. He DOES NOT get to tell you what to do with your body.

THEN decide what to do about your pregnancy.

Original poster

Jr1988 · 17/11/2019 19:04

I just don't even know what to say to be honest. I just feel at breaking point, I have no close friends, no one else knows about the pregnancy. My dad passed away in February in sudden and quite traumatic circumstances and I am still getting over that, I feel like this is just tipping me over.

I understand why people are advising that the relationship is over etc but it doesn't feel like that? It's easy to say kick him out and go it alone but in reality that involves moving home and starting out fresh by myself which I just don't have the funds to do

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 17/11/2019 19:09

I suspect your relationship is over, irrespective of your choices. Please do not abort if you feel you want to have the baby.

Mummymushroom · 17/11/2019 19:21

I agree with you that it is easy to say leave, or he should have worn a condom. These things happen. But I do think you should tell him that you are NOT happy about a termination. I think he is scared of history repeating itself. Please talk to him, and maybe the clinic councillor. There are telephone lines you could ring as well. Thinking of you and this difficult decision.

spongedog · 17/11/2019 19:45

So did you have medical intervention to have your 1st child? If not, it was quite casual of BOTH of you to have unprotected sex. But ultimately your body your choice.

But he was honest with you last year - he didnt want to marry you or have more children. After only 2 years. Now at that point his honesty stopped - he should have ended your relationship or you should. There wasnt really any long term future and now you are both potentially bringing a child into this world. I feel that you are equally responsible. Did you want a child with him - a man that had told you there was no long term future? I do wonder whether you tried to get pregnant, effectively against his wishes, and perhaps this is why he is not coping.

Yes normally I would be totally put a condom on, or take the consequences, but I am wondering how much you overplayed the PCOS.

Original poster

Jr1988 · 17/11/2019 19:57

Spongedog I don't know how much you know about PCOS, when I fell pregnant with my 1st child I was 22 and about 4 stone lighter than I am now- at that time I didn't have any effects of PCOS, the weight I gained during pregnancy triggered the condition. With my previous husband I went to a fertility clinic and was told I wasn't ovulating and would require medication to cause ovulation or IVF of that didn't work.
So no... I haven't purposefully fallen pregnant or overplayed the condition to my partner.

At no point have I blamed him solely and have taken full responsibility as essentially he was told by me the chances of falling pregnant were very very small

OP posts:

MissBPotter · 17/11/2019 20:07

I think having PCOS and the fact that you may struggle to conceive again makes it harder to accept an abortion. I would be extremely disappointed by his total lack of support. Ok he didn’t want a child but now one has been conceived he could be supportive rather than threaten you with the idea of him leaving and even raising the prospect of suicide. So I do think I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with this man but I certainly wouldn’t rush in to leaving your home and all of that.

What is your set up, do you rent together/own a property etc? He will have to pay maintenance if you do decide to go ahead (remember he has no say whatsoever at this point - your body your choice). Does he earn a decent wage? That could help if you do go ahead.
Are you sure you don’t have anyone to turn to? Even someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time? Maybe you could speak to a women’s charity if that is the case, they could advise on the financials and help you get things straight in your head

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