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Original poster

Partner wants me to abort pregnancy or he leaves

126 replies

Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:00

Title says it all really...

I found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant, I have PCOS and was always told I would need medical intervention to fall pregnant again. Me and my partner have been together coming up 3 years, I am early 30s, he is late 30s. We both have a child each from a previous marriage but he has had quite a traumatic time- him and his ex lived with his parents when baby was born, she had post natal depression, he worked all hours. They eventually split up when baby was 9 months old and she moved 5 hours away so he only had access every few weeks. They still have a difficult relationship.

He has asked me to have an abortion or he will walk, he says he is not mentally strong enough to have a baby and this has him on the edge. He has historically tried to take his life (17 year ago) and over the last year has mentioned quite a few times that he is ‘struggling’ but has never sought any help. He told me around a year ago he didn’t want to ever marry me or have children. We do love each other and have a happy relationship. My life is in turmoil, financially I would struggle alone.
Deep down I don’t want to abort this baby but I don’t think I can go it alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Jr1988 · 18/11/2019 19:48

@Mummymushroom I hope it is but I really don't know, he said tonight his family would totally disown him if they thought he'd walked away. I really think if he sorted his MH out he would feel different. He's just emotionless about it. He is very loving usually and has been even in the 2 weeks since we found out but I think that has been him 'keeping me sweet'

I haven't told my sister about the pregnancy yet and she's the only person I really have, I don't want to tell her under these circumstances as I am praying he will come around

OP posts:
Arella · 18/11/2019 19:48

Please do not blame yourself here - as Fluffycloudland said, partners support each other. You are not responsible for his mental health, you are really not. I am sorry that he has let you down and you are feeling so bad. Please be gentle with yourself.
This is not about you keeping the pregnancy, it is really not - if it had not been that, it would have been something else.

Arella · 18/11/2019 19:50

And you are right, he does need to sort out his mental health - medication, talking therapy, whatever helps - because whether or not you keep your pregnancy will not fix it.

ISmellBabies · 18/11/2019 19:58

Poor you op, you deserve so much better and I think once you've actually had a break from him you'll see it for what it was. He was half way out the door already. He told you he would never marry you or have kids with you. He was never committed to you or to this relationship. You were his 'she'll do for now'. If you choose him over your much wanted baby he will leave anyway at some point. Put yourself and your children first here and let him sort himself out.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/11/2019 20:27

Put yourself first- speak to your sister. She can be there for you.

ExcitedForFuture · 18/11/2019 21:02

I agree that you should keep the baby you clearly want OP.

But I also don't villify your P/ex. He was clear all along that he didn't want another child. He is perfectly entitled to this opinion. I know my DP doesn't want any more DCs. We have discussed it and should it happen I know he would want me to have an abortion although wouldn't force it. He is arranging to have the snip.

For all those saying did he use protection, this gets on my nerves. Nearly all contraception is for the woman only. It is often down to the woman. In a loving and trusting relationship there should be no reason for a man to use condoms if the woman is using something else.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/11/2019 22:12

OP you look after yourself and your baby..... please.. don't stress too much about him.. look after yourself and baby first Flowers

TheBigFatMermaid · 18/11/2019 22:28

Please tell your sister, I think you need her support.

Ultimately you will be fine though.

Starlight456 · 18/11/2019 22:30

I agree with @TheBigFatMermaid. .

Talk to your sister . You need someone to look after your feelings

HouseworkAvoider10 · 19/11/2019 02:08

He doesn't love you.
Why would you stay with a man like that?
He sounds miserable.

In time, you will see that he has done you a favour by leaving.
Only you can decide if you want to keep the baby.

56Marshmallow · 19/11/2019 06:22

From reading your posts, it sounds to me like your self esteem is pretty low at the moment.

You should be able to rely on a partner for support when you're grieving. You sound in your posts like you don't deserve that.

I'd suggest reading the book "He just not that in to you". As awful as it sounds, I don't think that this man gives two hoots about you (putting the unexpected pregnancy aside). One of the posters above was right, he's saying "you'll do..... for now". You deserve to be in a relationship where the man will do anything for you. This guy is a self centred twat. He only cares about himself. It might take you a while to realise that.

Please tell your sister. Find someone to talk to. In a year's time, I hope you look back and see it as a positive turning point in your life. Could you talk to his Mum?

Finally, will you ever mentally be able to take care of HIS first child if he has pressurised you into an abortion? I don't think that I could.

Get some help, talk to your doctor. You CAN do this, there is always a way. BUT I think you need to work on your self esteem first. At the moment, you think you deserve second best. You don't deserve any if this.

Take care of yourself x

Mummymushroom · 19/11/2019 15:08

Hope your ok

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 19/11/2019 15:10

Oh JR I'm sorry.
But if he's only known about it for 2 weeks, he may come round once he's got it straight in his head, if not then he was not worth having in the first place.
Stay strong (talk to your DSis)

Purpleartichoke · 19/11/2019 15:15

I’m not sure which path I would take in your situation.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy, remember that your obligation is to the child, not to the father. File for child maintenance. His feelings about the matter are not your responsibility.

blackcat86 · 19/11/2019 15:21

Please stop blaming yourself. This man could have made a GP apt at anytime if he felt his MH was problematic or getting worse. He seems more focused on what others would think of him and would rather put you through an abortion that you clearly dont want whilst pretending that everything is fine and not giving a hoot about your MH. I would be interested to hear from his ex about what really led to the breakdown of that relationship and for her to move away. Let this loser go and let go of the guilt and shame he has tried to pile on. You need to stop hiding this for him and reach out to your sister. She will want to support you and provide the love and comfort you need. The priority now is you, your baby and your DC. Also, the poster who mentioned his current child is right. There is no way I could be a positive SM having been coerced into aborting a baby that I knew I wanted.

Autumn2019 · 19/11/2019 15:50

I am sorry that you are in this situation OP. I would not be able to live with a man who threatens to leave. It's such a cowardly thing to do. He has also told you that he doesn't want to marry you and have kids with you. I wonder if it is because then there is no commitment to you and he can threaten to walk out on you easily as and when he sees fit. Also if you do terminate because of his threats then he'll learn that his threats work. This could be the start of a whole series of threats for all we know. His MH is not your problem. If he doesn't want to help himself then no one can. His MH is not your fault or your problem. Don't let your kindness and good heart be your ruin. I know its difficult to walk away from a relationship but you need to show some self-respect. Don't let him treat you like this.

If you want to keep the baby then keep it. Don't feel pressured into terminating by this man. If he wants to walk then let him. Something tells me he might walk out at some point anyway, even if you do terminate for his sake. As you've already said people who earn less than you make it work .So keep the baby if you want to.
Please look after yourself and your baby and confide in your family and close friends. You need RL support. Don't be afraid of going it alone. It's better to go it alone than be with a man who threatens to walk out.

Dragongirl10 · 19/11/2019 15:59

op l am so sorry, but he is not in love with you....he is behaving horribly, please stop making excuses for him.
He told you he didn't see a future with you a year ago, it may hurt but let it go and focus on your pregnancy, daughter and yourself, your future.

When someone tells you how they feel you have no choice but to listen...

The positives are you have a good income, lovely daughter, and a most unexpected gift in this pregnancy. It sounds like his family will support you and baby if you keep it, if not you are well equipped to go it alone and be happy in the future.

I wish you luck.

ittakes2 · 19/11/2019 16:07

My sisters and cousins all have PCOS. Ovulation is patchy rather than not at all ever as you have discovered. I think you need to put what you want first. He will either come on board with it or he won't. But please don't have an abortion to stay with him - it might not work out. If you have an abortion it should be because you have decided its best for you. Good luck.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/11/2019 20:29

How are you OP... did you speak to someone or go for a scan... Flowers

Original poster
Jr1988 · 23/11/2019 09:29

I went to the clinic had a scan, spoke with a lovely nurse and then a counsellor, I am 7wks 5 days.

My partner also never left so we had a talk that night, I brought a scan picture home. He broke down and we had quite an honest chat about his MH, more honest than we've even had. He explained his feelings about his son and how that's effected him, he said most days he just doesn't want to be here and he didn't feel like he could talk to me because of what I was going through after loosing my dad. I listened and I explained that I obviously love him but I wasn't willing to put his mental health ahead of my own when he hasn't done anything to help himself.
That was Tuesday and we haven't really talked about the baby since... but he's continued to make plans for Xmas day etc so I know we need to have another convo- soon!
He went to the go yesterday and has a referral for counselling/ MH treatment and is going back next week to talk again. He has declined medication which I have mixed feelings about but that's his decision. He has arranged to go and meet up with friends next week and has booked gym classes which he hasn't done for months and months so all quite positive steps.

I know some will think I am a push over and should have kicked him out but I know him, and I know the man I have with me right now isn't him. As for me I don't think I have cried at all since Tuesday, I feel quite empowered but still terrified Confused

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 23/11/2019 09:40

I don’t think you’re a pushover at all. I think you’ve just stood up for yourself and refused to be emotionally manipulated, and it seems to be (tentatively) working. Good luck.

lucie8881 · 23/11/2019 11:01

You don't sound like a pushover at all. It's easy for others to say 'leave' or 'kick him out' but we have the luxury of being detached from the situation. That's not to say in some circumstances that that is not valid advice, but as in this situation it's not all black and white.

You've found the strength to say your MH needs and wellbeing are just as important as your partners, and that is how it should be.

Wishing you all the best for the future x

TildaKauskumholm · 23/11/2019 11:12

I would have thought he'd have had a vasectomy of he never wanted children again? Obviously not. He sounds selfish, no matter his past difficulties OP. It's a lose-lose situation for you at least.

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 23/11/2019 11:48

Oh Jr, he just sounds scared to me.
Referral for counselling, making plans for Christmas, going to the gym and seeing friends are all really positive things for him to be doing if his mh is not so good at the moment.

Stay strong (and empowered) and it will all work itself out and you'll have a lovely little baby at the end of it Thanks

Have you told your DSis yet?

BumbleBeee69 · 23/11/2019 12:59

Congratulations on your first scan OP, it's an incredible moment. Flowers

Stay focused and you and your needs, always Grin