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Original poster

Partner wants me to abort pregnancy or he leaves

126 replies

Jr1988 · 12/11/2019 15:00

Title says it all really...

I found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant, I have PCOS and was always told I would need medical intervention to fall pregnant again. Me and my partner have been together coming up 3 years, I am early 30s, he is late 30s. We both have a child each from a previous marriage but he has had quite a traumatic time- him and his ex lived with his parents when baby was born, she had post natal depression, he worked all hours. They eventually split up when baby was 9 months old and she moved 5 hours away so he only had access every few weeks. They still have a difficult relationship.

He has asked me to have an abortion or he will walk, he says he is not mentally strong enough to have a baby and this has him on the edge. He has historically tried to take his life (17 year ago) and over the last year has mentioned quite a few times that he is ‘struggling’ but has never sought any help. He told me around a year ago he didn’t want to ever marry me or have children. We do love each other and have a happy relationship. My life is in turmoil, financially I would struggle alone.
Deep down I don’t want to abort this baby but I don’t think I can go it alone

OP posts:
Hollachica · 18/11/2019 10:51

Let him walk. You don't want to terminate.
It sounds like your mental health would take a dive if you went ahead with the termination.

FizzyIce · 18/11/2019 11:21

I don’t think it’s fair to demonise the man over this , he obviously has reasons and why wouldn’t he have any say? Doesn’t mean you have to go along with what he says .
Keep the baby if you want to but say good bye to him.

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2019 11:27

Totally agree fizzy. Women can get pregnant in any circumstances and want or not want the pregnancy, with no judgement on here. But men aren't afforded this respect, they have to want whatever their partner wants.

He doesn't sound like a selfish twat or any of the things he's been accused of on here. He just knows he really doesn't want a baby, as lots of women don't either.

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 18/11/2019 11:36

He doesn't sound like a selfish twat or any of the things he's been accused of on here. He just knows he really doesn't want a baby

He should've thought of that before he had unprotected sex then, shouldn't he?

Confusedbeetle · 18/11/2019 11:39

Do you have access to any couples couselling?

FizzyIce · 18/11/2019 12:55

FurnitureAndBackgammon
That works the same way for the woman ,surely?

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2019 13:09

Women fall accidentally pregnant all the time. If our answer is 'should have used a condom then' then we haven't moved on from the 1950s, have we?

The op had medical reasons for thinking she couldn't get pregnant anyway, which she has presumably shared with her partner.

FizzyIce · 18/11/2019 13:16

Yes but that shouldn’t mean women should always expect the man to bring up the topic of protection as that’s backwards thinking too

TheMasterBaker · 18/11/2019 13:23

My DM had me after many years of trying. When I was small, she fell pregnant at the drop of a hat (once when taking antibiotics she didn't realise would counteract the pill). My 'D'F made her have an abortion. She did and got rid of the 2nd baby she desperately wanted and to this day (30 years later), she regrets it as it wasn't her choice and resents him for essentially making that choice for her.
If you decide that a termination is right for you, then that is your choice, but don't do it just because he wants you to. He might be happy and stay because you've done what he wanted but what about how you feel? Will you regret it? Will you resent him for the rest of your marriage? It may be after counselling and some time to process it, you decide to keep the baby or it cements the idea that having this child wouldn't be right for you, but whatever you decide, make sure it is the right choice for you. Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 18/11/2019 13:29

That works the same way for the woman ,surely?

Yes but OP wants the baby.

floraloctopus · 18/11/2019 13:49

Tell him to shut the door on his way out. Your body, your choice.

Beveren · 18/11/2019 13:51

no one wants to think they are causing their partners mental health to be worse

If that is happening, he is causing it, not you, by refusing to seek treatment.

Original poster
Jr1988 · 18/11/2019 14:04

I would love for him to speak to a councillor about it. I am hoping in Tuesday they can advise me if he can have any through them.

I think I am going to try and write it all down where I can explain all my feelings without either of us loosing our tempers with each other or interrupting

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/11/2019 14:16

Personally if a man tells me about or else I'm already dumping him

If a man tells you to do anything or else he walks then I'd say he already has one foot out of the relationship. Replace 'have an abortion' with 'get rid of the dog' or 'dye my hair blonde' or 'move to Liverpool' and it's still pretty bad, isn't it?

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2019 14:21

For women these are called 'deal breakers', when you know yourself enough to state your boundaries and needs in a relationship.

When men have them it's called 'ultimatums' and apparently really shitty.

(ultimata or whatever)

Bumfuzzled · 18/11/2019 14:52

Is this how he deals with things when the shit hits the fan? Tells you it’s his way or he’s out of there and then leaves you to deal with it all on your own? Does he have the faintest fucking idea how hard it is emotionally to abort a baby? My god he sounds like a horrendous waste of space. He should be supporting you and talking to you, not giving his pathetic ultimatums.

It may be that as a couple having this baby is not right for you. But he is not acting like he is part of that couple. He’s checked out until you deal with it for him. So you need to make the decision based on what’s right for you, not him.

I hope you get some really good advice and counselling. My heart is aching for you as his behaviour is so unfair Flowers

killerKetInMyHomeHelp · 18/11/2019 15:11

I just feel so bad in him

Don't!!!

he clearly doesn't feel at all bad for you when he tells you he won't marry you, doesn't want to commit to you in any way & blackmails you into an abortion. Nasty.

You seriously need to grow a pair. He's a wanker who is walking all over you, without a second thought for you at all.

If you want to keep this baby, you do that. You will find a way to cope. Baby or not, your relationship is dead in the water as it won't survive this & from here - good riddance, you need to start not accepting second rate & even 3rd rate men. Your worth much more than that, good luck

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 18/11/2019 17:10

Difficult though it is you do need think about this in isolation from any of your partner's views right now . If you were single would you have this baby?
Go forward with that decision .He can make his own

Original poster
Jr1988 · 18/11/2019 19:08

Well he's walked.

Sat and talked, I explained all my reasons, said I hadn't made my mind up. He said I've known all along I was going to keep it which is why 'I've dragged it out'

Talked about my concerns about his mental health. He agreed and said he isn't the same person he was a year ago. I do feel partially responsible for that- relying heavily on him while grieving, had my own self confidence/ worth issues which I held him responsible for.

He just kept repeating over and over in don't want it, I want nothing to do with it, your going to paint me out to be the bad one either way'

So I just said no one is keeping you here if you want to go then go. So he did.

OP posts:
EllaEllaE · 18/11/2019 19:25

I'm so sorry. It's easy for us on the internet to say that in the long time it'll be the best thing. But you must be feeling terrible now. I'm so sorry and hope you have people irl to talk to now. A friend or therapist you can call up, or even a midwife or GP.
Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 18/11/2019 19:34

I'm sorry. But, in the end, you're better off without him and you'll feel better soon. Men are replaceable and couplehood is not compulsory anyway. This man would always have put himself first.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/11/2019 19:42

Partners do rely on each other though, that’s the whole point. Dh has been ill since July 12th and I’ve supported him.

I’m knackered but I’m still supporting him.

Original poster
Jr1988 · 18/11/2019 19:42

I know I sound like an utter wet blanket but my heart just breaks when I look at him. How can you love someone so much who can hurt you so badly. Life can be utterly shit

OP posts:
Mummymushroom · 18/11/2019 19:43

Sorry to hear that, good luck. Do you think it's just words of anger. Sending you hope.

stucknoue · 18/11/2019 19:48

Hugs, men! Take care

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