Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

UK or Irish with a German boyfriend/DH? Cultural insights needed, please!

169 replies

Luftschloss · 07/11/2019 09:37

I'll be upfront and say this is for a novel, but if anyone had any insights into what it was/is like being a British or Irish woman in a relationship with a German man, I'd be really grateful -- cultural differences, differences in dating etiquette, relationship expectations, anything really?

I've spent time in Germany, but not recently, and have never dated a German. Have combed the internet and got a lot of Youtube videos on dating Germans, but they seem both incredibly stereotyped 'You need to be more forward than usual! They make lists! They don't do small talk! They've very blunt!' and to come at things from a very US perspective, so any further insights would be great.

(In case it matters, this German character is late 20s and a postdoc, an outdoor/climbing type of person, and lives in London when they meet. Tell me what brands of clothing he would be wearing?)

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2019 21:07

Oh God yes, he will most certainly point it out in a very blunt way if he feels someone with less knowledge than him on a subject is trying to state an opinion. He will probably say “ you are wrong” or similar rather than “ well I’m not sure I agree” like an English man !

EUnamechange · 07/11/2019 21:17

I work in and teach diplomacy, and yes whilst stereotypes are just that, there are general patterns for cultural difference.

DBIL is German, as are many I work with.

  • Arguments are quite forthright, far less passive aggressive than in the UK. Friendly discussions can also be loud enough to sound like arguments. A British person dating a German might well react badly to a gentle discussion, which would be perceived by the Brit as a verbal attack. I'm not sure how much is down to the German pronunciation often being quite guttural and therefore sounding harsher than say, a latin-based language (who can also be loud and argumentative but in a different way).
  • Engineers and scientists, doctors etc are highly respected, far more than in the UK. As a postdoc, he would use his Dr title far more than an equivalent Brit would. I mean, I've seen formal wedding invitations where the parents are listed as Herr Doktor and Frau Magister (master-level)!
  • Children's books are incredibly detailed - almost like engineering manuals, and very different from British books. I find grown-up Germans are often similarly detail orientated, liking specifics.
  • Sense of humour can be very British. I don't buy into that 'no sense of humour' idea at all. The Germans I know are very funny, sarcastic, take the piss out of people.
  • I used to climb with quite a few Germans, and it was noticeable that they were used to marked paths, and less used to the idea of taking a map and compass and going off-piste. Also they were used to the drier alpine weather, even the experienced ones, and frequently under-estimated the changeability of British weather, especially how a sunny day could turn into wet and cold. He would however have good quality high-tech equipment, and be a bit of a 'gear freak'.
  • Big love of cars and technology
  • Keen on football, across the social classes
-Very very aware of Germany's difficult past, and many carry a sort of national guilt from it
Luftschloss · 07/11/2019 21:20

How many novels have you published @Pinkblueberry? Or, for that matter, read?

Thanks, everyone. I have a lot of exactly the detail I needed from people’s very generous, thoughtful and often very funny responses. And thank you for trusting my integrity, and that I’m not planning some kind of dire stock character.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

EUnamechange · 07/11/2019 21:27

His walking boots would probably be Meindl. A high quality German brand that also sells in the UK. Rucksacks tended to be European brands rather than UK/US, OOH! And they tended to have rucksack covers. In the UK we have waterproof bag liners inside our rucksacks, but most continental Europeans buy special and bright monotone covers that go outside. Probably not as effective as water slips down the back, so less suited to UK weather.

redchocolatebutton · 07/11/2019 21:42

a german double bed are two single beds pushed together and each has their own single duvet.

peachgreen · 07/11/2019 21:47

I dated a German guy for a year and he's still a good friend. I second everyone on the blunt thing. It was fabulous, actually. I trusted every compliment he paid me because he would never say anything just to flatter me or stroke my ego.

He also ate raw frankfurters straight from the fridge. Grin

Adollop · 07/11/2019 21:51

Btw anyone watching bbc4, The fall of the Berlin wall? Feeling very emotional .. I celebrated this in Germany.

FinallyHere · 07/11/2019 22:04

Lovely message, thank you Luftschloss

[I'm now resisting posting pictures of my Meindl walking shoes and collection of Jack Wolfskin jackets, coats and fleeces. ]

Luftschloss · 08/11/2019 10:38

One more question! As I feel I will want my Meindl-wearing man to tell his girlfriend she's going crazy (because at one point it's true) -- can anyone suggest German colloquialisms/idioms for 'You're going crazy'?

(I've come across the idiom 'Ich glaub ich spinne” which seems to mean 'I think I'm going crazy'? Assuming this is correct, would it ever be used of another person -- or does the wordplay on spider/spinning only work in the first person? No one would say 'Ich glaube du spinnst'?)

I fell down an internet rabbit hole for German expressions and enjoyed 'Leben ist kein Ponyhof', 'Klaffe zu, Affe tot' and 'Du gehst mir auf den Keks'. Why are so many expressions to do with something being a mess contain references to salad?

OP posts:
redchocolatebutton · 08/11/2019 10:49

'du bist wohl nicht ganz dicht'
'du hast wohl nicht alle Tassen im Schrank'

Igneococcus · 08/11/2019 10:57

"Klappe zu, Affe tot" is what you mean, not sure what a Klaffe would be, and yes other people can "spinnen" as in "Du spinnst"

Luftschloss · 08/11/2019 11:48

Sorry, @Igneococcus, my mistype. Thanks, @redchocolatebutton. I like the cups in the cupboard one.

OP posts:
Mentounasc · 08/11/2019 12:15

Re: the sayings - it's always fun when Germans translate German sayings literally word for word. So your 'du hast nicht alle Tassen im Schrank' would be 'you don't have all the cups in your cupboard', du hast Salat im Kopf would be 'you have salad in head' (someone said this to me once about himself when I was learning German, I was bewildered), and 'du spinnst'' would be 'you spin' (not you are spinning - Germans find getting the present continuous form correct really tricky).

"What if that's not a hobby as such, but he develops an enthusiasm for another culture/history of a place he's visiting for the first time, but has researched in exhaustive detail? I'm imagining a face-off between him and a native of the other culture, who is far less well-informed about it than he is -- is he likely to point out errors in the other man's knowledge?" - Absolutely, and he would relish doing so. He would dish out all the details he's read in his incredibly complex upmarket guide book to someone who's lived there all their lives and express faux surprise that they didn't know, but secretly be delighted. See the term Besserwisser (know it all) - it's particularly prevalent among West German men.

I used to climb with quite a few Germans, and it was noticeable that they were used to marked paths, and less used to the idea of taking a map and compass and going off-piste. Also they were used to the drier alpine weather, even the experienced ones, and frequently under-estimated the changeability of British weather, especially how a sunny day could turn into wet and cold. He would however have good quality high-tech equipment, and be a bit of a 'gear freak'. -Absolutely - it's actually much easier walking at over 2,000 metres in the Alps, with frequent path markings and signposts giving estimated timings, than anywhere in the Brecon Beacons. Your man would get incredibly frustrated at British incompetence there.

The Germans have a pretty patronising view of the British generally (but the British return the favour with their view of Germans, so hey ho). The British are all about the Queen, cool Brit music, scones, old-fashioned but cosy vibe. Germans who have recently been to the UK are truly horrified by the poverty they've seen.

You could have some fun with a German mistakenly using English words in the wrong context. For instance, the word for mobile phone is Handy. I could imagine your man saying 'where's my handy?' causing some confusion. And the word hi-fi is used, but Germans insist it's pronounced high-fee (because that's how you say high fidelity, right). Your man would insist to an English native speaker that we have it wrong!

Germans don't pronounce an English-style 'ah' sound, it tends to become 'eh'. So 'handy' would be 'hendy'. It means for example, lots of them can't pronounce (or hear) 'man' and 'men' differently.

"German scouts are Pfinders (spelling might be slightly wrong there)." - the word is Pfadfinder (literally pathfinders).

"Also, you should do some research on German academia if you want him to be a postdoc because it is significantly different from the UK/Ireland, there are many more years of study and you are a sort of employee/student usually, working for your supervisor (depending on the field)." - good point, dreaming - the main postdoctoral qualification is called a Habilitation, and it formally enables people to become professors.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 08/11/2019 12:30

This is such an interesting thread. I'm always amazed by the fact that if you ask a question on MN, no matter how niche, there are always MNers who know stuff about it!

I also love learning expressions for scenarios, that we just don't have in English. I learnt L'esprit de l'escalier from MN. In fact I might start a separate thread so I hear more.

Lovesgood · 08/11/2019 16:06

I just read more on here and I have to say "being horryfied by the poverty in the uk" is so true! I have german friends who couldnt believe their eyes.

I could see your guy pointing out the poor infrastructure and housing quality for sure.

Sorry I have to point out the cakes. German cakes are amazing. There are hundreds of different ones. And they taste bloody great. Someone pointed out germans wincing at english iced cakes. I can believe that, as all you taste is SUGAR. Yuck. There are some nice english cakes too though, but they dont have teeth injuring icing on them Grin

Lovesgood · 08/11/2019 16:08

I ment pointing out the poor housing and infastructure of the uk (like that part needs clearing up...)

Igneococcus · 08/11/2019 16:20

Someone pointed out germans wincing at english iced cakes.

Germans do eat iced cakes. I just made a Prinzregententorte for dp's birthday today and that's 8 layers of sponge cake put together with chocolate butter cream and covered, generously, in chocolate ganache. It's a Bavarian recipe. Or my mother's Frankfurter Kranz which has masses of buttercream and is completely covered in hazelnut praline. All very sweet. Personally I would go for a decent Nuss- or Mohnzopf over any of the iced cakes every time but Torten are very popular nevertheless.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/11/2019 16:22

Lots of cream cakes as well

Plus the ice cream Parlours with their marvellous creations.

FourQuarters · 08/11/2019 16:25

I also love learning expressions for scenarios, that we just don't have in English. I learnt L'esprit de l'escalier from MN.

There's a pretty much exact German equivalent, @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles -- Treppenwitz.

Igneococcus · 08/11/2019 16:32

Oh, and Germany hasn't had concription or social service since 2011, so a late 20s German would most likely have missed it.

CatteStreet · 08/11/2019 16:35

Another way of saying 'you're (going) crazy' is 'du bist ja wohl bescheuert'. Doesn't translate. If it did, it would be something like (literally) 'thoroughly scrubbed'.

I think Globetrotter even would prob be a bit mass-market for your guy.

Yy to the academic stuff. 27 is really young for a German postdoc. They're trying to change the system but it's still very hierarchical.

Your bloke will be extremely proud of his English, and will argue with any native speaker over what particular expressions mean, in the conviction of being right.

Cooking together is a thing among young and youngish German groups of friends, much more so than in the UK. It's nice. They'll like doing board game evenings too. And they like Raclette (little electric stove in the middle of the table, lots of chopped meat/veg/cheese, everyone has an individual little pan or too to put on/under the stove and cook whatever they like).

Cakes are either Kuchen (traybake type cakes, layer of sponge, layer of fruit (often plum or apple), layer of crumble-type stuff (Streusel) or other sponge, cut into rectangular pieces), Schnitte (same shape and base, but berries or soft fruit on the top covered by a jelly-type substance) or Torte (round, tall, fancy, lots of layers, often iced but usually not buttercream type).

CatteStreet · 08/11/2019 16:40

I don't think he'd say 'where's my handy?' - he would consider himself above such errors of unsophistication - but he will say things like 'have the possibility to' (instead of 'opportunity') and will overuse set-piece English expressions they get bludgeoned into them at school, like 'last but not least'. He might ask someone if they could 'kindly' do something, thinking he is being appropriately English and polite and failing utterly to catch the sarcastic edge it has in native English.

redchocolatebutton · 08/11/2019 16:41

oh yes. board or card games
'doppelkopf' similar(ish) to bridge and very competitive

tactical board games like 'siedler von catan'

CatteStreet · 08/11/2019 16:46

'(auf) Ex' = when you drain your drink in one draught. He might say that, thinking it's international.

Buying rounds isn't a thing. That might cause him some perplexity at first. Usually the waiter or waitress (most bars/cafes are table service) will ask 'Zusammen or getrennt?' when bringing the bill and normal practice when out with friends is to say 'getrennt' (separate) and everyone pays their own.

theconstantinoplegardener · 08/11/2019 16:55

He is sure to want to watch "Dinner for one" on New Year's Eve.
"The same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?"
"The same procedure as every year, James!"

Swipe left for the next trending thread