UK or Irish with a German boyfriend/DH? Cultural insights needed, please!

[Luftschloss]

I'll be upfront and say this is for a novel, but if anyone had any insights into what it was/is like being a British or Irish woman in a relationship with a German man, I'd be really grateful -- cultural differences, differences in dating etiquette, relationship expectations, anything really?

I've spent time in Germany, but not recently, and have never dated a German. Have combed the internet and got a lot of Youtube videos on dating Germans, but they seem both incredibly stereotyped 'You need to be more forward than usual! They make lists! They don't do small talk! They've very blunt!' and to come at things from a very US perspective, so any further insights would be great.

(In case it matters, this German character is late 20s and a postdoc, an outdoor/climbing type of person, and lives in London when they meet. Tell me what brands of clothing he would be wearing?)

Crossing the road is another one of those cliches that is true. After I left Berlin but DH was still living there one of his colleagues visited London and stayed at our place. I was walking him to the tube and as I approached a junction I checked the traffic, saw nothing was coming and crossed. I'd been chatting to him, and kept chatting as I crossed but when I got to the other side I realised he wasn't there. He was still on the other side of the crossing waiting for the green man.

I think Zoology post docs have a more general 'type' than Germans!

Down jacket of some sort of brand like Patagonia/Rab, backpack, 'outdoorsy' shoes instead of normal trainers etc.

Quite 'cool' and involved in the department. Climbing club or similar.

Germans really like to wear as much winter clothing as possible.

I'll be in a light unzipped jacket and there will be people in full winter/ski gear with hats and gloves. Kids in snowsuits and stuff.

Well there are lots of Irish people living in Germany (and whatever other countries he has lived in), so he may have known some Irish people. There are plenty of Irish pubs around so he may have gone and heard some Irish music there (at least, the ones I know in Berlin have live music most nights).

My impression is that Germans are very fond of Irish people and have a very positive feeling about Ireland. I'm often mistaken for Irish here and so I've heard this a lot. They see the Irish as very full of life and fun with a great culture.

This is a massive generalisation of course! But this is what I've heard quite often.

I'm Irish and tbh hardly anyone in Berlin knew the difference between Irish and British, a rather surprising number thought that Ireland was in the UK. I was there before the Good Friday Agreement so I guess most of the awareness of Ireland was to do with the troubles in the news. It might be different now. Also I doubt a German would be in London for long without realising the difference because they would almost certainly be working with both Irish and British and we think that we are different from each other. In the same way as it didn't take all that long for me to see a difference between Berliners who had been raised in the East or the West and were already adult when the wall came down, because the Germans themselves would point out the differences.

I dated a German once while living in Germany. He was actually studying Engineering from memory He was very matter of fact, and when I brought him home he commented that he lack of windows in my tiny bedroom was unhealthy. He wasn’t impressed when I didn’t want to sleep with him on the first night. Not in a bad way just slightly grudgingly! I am not saying all German men are like this by the way, just my experience of the one I was involved with. I have known lots of other Germans over the years and have found them all lovely but quite direct in general (English friends found this a bit rude sometimes). Sometimes they have been a bit bemused/baffled by my blustery vague Englishness. At university (in Germany), none of them was very impressed by the English trend to get really drunk. On the other hand, good beer is a big thing and going out at 11pm in cities is normal. Where I was, they were very open about sexuality (Berlin - love parade etc). Years ago, one of my parents’ German friends fixed our bathroom door when he came to visit! Another friend of ours always wears socks with sandals in summer. I know this sounds like a grotesque generalisation but he is from the Black Forest and we live in a tick area! In my experience, weather sensible clothes are about right - fleeces etc (though when I was on my school German exchange in the 90s it was mostly t-shirts and ripped jeans). Recycling (in sections) is a huge thing, and nobody would ever not take their bottles back back for their deposit! Higher Education is taken very seriously because of how long it takes to qualify for anything.

Just some of my general observations.

Ps yy to waiting for the green man

I don’t know about views on Irish but in Berlin there are several Irish bars and when I worked in one, lots of Germans drank in it!

I believe your man who climbs (nice Irish turn of phrase there ) would prepare extremely well for all possible weather scenarios. I believe he would have every single piece of equipment that he might need

I've just realised I am far more German than I thought with my habit of unintentionally offending people, a worship of kaffee and kuchen (anyone remember the Chalet school?!) combined with my refusal to apologise unnecessarily - although this bit is a deliberate feminist strategy as I believe women are socialised to do this

I also genuinely strongly believe people really should wait for the green man - it sets a bad example to children and unnecessarily risks injury or even death to save a few seconds.

I remember one of my hiking friends commenting that hiking in the little British mountains was much harder than in the Alps because of all the mud slowing you down and making your boots heavy. He would also be used to a better infrastructure of colour coded routes and mountain huts for refreshments/ accommodation.

When you have a German for breakfast, they will always ask for the salt. They just sit down, look
around nervously , and then ask very politely
“May I have some salt?”.
And yes to north face jackets.

My lazy stereotypes and observations of Germans:

Punctual
Direct/blunt
Stern, but funny & warm once you scratch their surface
Family oriented and more likely to include children in events, even at night. Brits & Irish are more rigid with bedtime 'routine' that daren't be disrupted
Impeccably dressed (Munich)
Extremely hardworking & efficient

Btw OP, I'm Irish, and there are a lot of differences between us and the British,IMO. British are far more formal and polite.
Off the top of my head, I had an English neighbour, and if he called in and I was eating, he would apologise profusely and leave I would try to assure him that it was fine, but he wouldn't accept it.
The Irish thing to do would be that the person would be expected to include you in their meal/tea, and you certainly wouldn't consider yourself to be interrupting them.

Sorry if none of that is relevant to what you asked.

Oooh, there's another one... we apologise for trivial things, A LOT

"When you have a German for breakfast"

@NormsNotStereotypes

I always ask for salt with my German for breakfast

There is a FB group for people with German spouses. Something like “my German wife”. It might give some ideas. It is quite lighthearted but could be useful.

They don't do the 'you have it', 'no, you have it' with the last piece of, e.g. cake. If you want it do not do the British thing and demur, even for an instant, or it will be hoovered up before you draw breath.

Food: I found if they don't like it they will tell you. The nervous hush at the table when my husband was asked by my mother if he liked whatever it was she'd just cooked. 'Not really' said he cheerfully, looking around for pudding. He points out that my politeness means his aunt makes the most Dog awful Christmas cake for me every year, which I continue to accept with effusive thanks :)

Going to the gym: you put your trainers on when you are at the gym. Do not be thinking you'll sneak in from the car with them already on. You will be spotted and you will be called out.

Dogs: they take recall quite seriously. Ok, very seriously. Our delinquent dog fits in better here and I feel far better being amongst other owners for whom recall is very much a 50/50 thing.

Cake: naja, what can I say? They don't really get sugar or icing as far as I can tell. Some very pleasant cakes but often easily confused with a health food. Presented with a buttercream stuffed Victoria sandwich or a well iced lemon drizzle most Germans, in my experience, will whimper.

I could go on for a v v long time :)

I entirely agree about English/Irish differences being considerable, @AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet.

Please go on @gruntley123! I was too skint to do more than live on Pot Noodles when I was there are German cakes really so Spartan and uniced? What did your mother say when her food was dissed? What is wrong about wearing your trainers on your way to the gym is it an outdoor shoes indoors issue?

@NormsNotStereotypes, I restrain myself in the presence of children, but I am by temperament a jaywalker who walks diagonally across roads at points nowhere near zebra crossings or pedestrian lights, and dodges through slow or stationary traffic if in a hurry on foot.

where is the character from in germany?

there are vast regional differences.
just thinking of st nikolaus/st martin/christkind; bonfire or guising traditions

That is fun to read .
(Living in Berlin, being from the Ruhr, with Dutch / Frisian GPs, DH from Baden.)

If you do not want to take your bottles back to the shop for a refund, it is polite to but the bottle next to the bin and not inside. So the homeless person does not have to dig inside the bin.

^Germans really like to wear as much winter clothing as possible.

I'll be in a light unzipped jacket and there will be people in full winter/ski gear with hats and gloves. Kids in snowsuits and stuff.^

so so true, I had to smile!

are German cakes really so Spartan and uniced?

def not!
you either have very naice regional fruit cake type of things. or proper patisserie.

My dhs former postdoc moved from Ireland to a small German city. By the end of his first semester he reckoned he knew all types of pork and ham by sight. He visited a variety of Christmas markets before realising they were all the same.
We visited him there and stayed with his German professor, who went out very early,and returned to make a breakfast buffet. A few days after we got back to Ireland, I realized the fresh rolls were from Lidl, not an artisan bakery.

As for the green man

By nature I would ignore it, as teenagers we moved in packs and never noticed the traffic lights.

Nowadays, when I go back to visit it is much more important to me to maintain my camouflage. Standing waiting for the green man marks you out as a good citizen rather than a tourist.

Along with carrying identification papers.

My eldest DD was born in Germany, in June. During a heatwave. Not only were the babies in a heated hospital ward, wearing three layers and a hat plus a sleeping bag... They had duvets in the little cots.

Except the British mother's. The hospital was used to our weird ways and didn't bother giving us the duvets.

I was also given homeopathic drops as pain relief, an enema and gas and air was unheard of.