My son is 9 and can barely kick a ball.

[FootballFandango]

My son is the.laziest child I've ever met. He even complains about walking the dog. His lack of physical motivation has always been a bone of contention...despite judo sailing cricket tennis and all sorts of other activities that I've tried him on, generally a term at a time. We try to instill discipline and robustness in our children and ourselves but he has always actively hated football.

His school is v sporty and he is the only boy in his class left out of an upcoming football fixture (there are 3 classes so I'm sure he won't be alone).

But I think at 9 he is definitely too old to do beginners football classes.... We can afford 1 to 1 football coaching but despite the fact that he is devastated about being left out, I can't see him actively participating... Even in a coaching session.. Yet he is too young to write himself off as being unsporty. It's obviously only going to further erode his confidence unless I sort out his attitude but that is v difficult.

Has anybody else had a child like this, did you turn it around and do beginner classes exist for football at his age?

You’re ignoring the emotional impact of a wound up and pressuring parent, Xiaoxiong. The poor kid is only nine!
I explained my concerns in a post further up, as have others. Does none of that give you pause?

If he’s not sporty then a sporty school is not a great fit. Is there another school he can go to?

When you say he can’t ride a bike, is that because he has struggled to learn?

How is he at school academically? Does he find writing difficult? Is he organised. Did he take a long time to learn how to tie laces?

Sailing is quite niche. How often does he get to do that?

I would also second something like Cubs (unless you have already tried that)

Would he do something like geo caching whilst walking the dog?

My DS is 12 and he is suspected ASD and currently refusing PE and all physical activities and is quite social isolated. Quite happy in own little world and we do have phases of activities often swimming he will do.

I did David Lloyd for a while with him which was quite successful but pricey and needs time. He did quite a few clubs and swimming with me. Unfortunately don't have finances atm.

I think with him it's the getting changed he hates - we also had success going to NT properties with large gardens and he would run / walk round them. Occasionally he will canoe. Though think he's a bit lazy too - even as small child he would say my legs aren't working today. He also needs exactly right temperature for activities. We have an indoor rowing machine and goes on that. I thought he would go on trampoline but no.

I read these messages and think of my own childhood, of what I still consider to be parental bullying and pushing. I hated, loathed and despised them for it and still struggle with these emotions 40 years later. I hated sports particularly and everything to do with school generally.
I was the quiet loner participating in nothing who was often bullied and didn’t even have what I could think of as a safe place in my parents home. My clearest childhood parental memories are of being harangued to work harder, join in, get 4 A levels, 2 degrees and become chair of ICI by 25. My clearest feelings are of humiliation and fury. Well I refused, they pushed, I dug in.
By 9 I had realised I had the whip hand and knew I was never going to give in. They pushed more, I ignored more. My strategy was to be ignored at school and so I was. The teachers were too busy to notice me but it really wouldn't have mattered if they had. As far as I was concerned they were just clones if my hated parents.
I walked out of school at 16 with nothing straight into a job I had secretly arranged. I was particularly delighted with this as it transpired my parents had signed me up for the 6th form to retake everything without asking for my views or wants. They then had the pleasure of fretting about where I was until I got home from work in my vile 1980’s brown suit.
I worked, I paid rent, I left their home, took a degree and post graduate management qualifications whilst working full time in my 20’s and 30’s and told no one. I was still so angry I didn’t tell them about my qualifications for 15 years And secretly eloped after 22 years with my partner.
However all of this has been achieved in my own way, in my own time, with no hint of what I was doing or planning.

I find it hard to relate to people and to trust or confide. Perhaps it is a miracle that I have achieved what I have, but I’ll tell you one thing. It was all done my way.

Basically the moral to my life is ask don’t preach, don’t push and refuse to acknowledge you could be wrong. You may be literally stronger but you cannot make either a horse drink or an angry hostile child study or participate.

My nephew is the same age and hates football. But that doesn't matter one jot! He is a wonderful kid who loves Lego and mine craft, reads tons of books and makes animation videos with his mates. He's just got into war hammers and I often see him sat at the table with a couple of his friends painting and chatting away to each other when I go round. He is a very popular boy, lots of friends and I just know he'll be successful because he is so happy and confident. The only team sport he has done was as a late reserve playing goal shoot for the netball team, he said he loved it because you just stand there most of the time 😂 let your boy be who he will be and nurture what he is good at then watch his confidence grow, if he is confident he will try new things. I know you want the best for your son but you need to back off from the football and tell him all the things he is good at.

When my son is telling me he feels upset and isolated because he hates football.

That is to do with stereotyped masculinity in the school and not to do with him playing sport. Find an art group for him to join.

Hi OP my 8 year old boy is exactly the same. He hates football with a passion & isn't sporty at all. I strongly believe that just because he's a boy he doesn't have to like football. He does however do swimming, Cubs, karate & park run. He's a total bookworm & very creative.

I think because of childhood obesity on the rise there's a lot more focus on sport these days.

I accepted from a young age he would never be into football & in all honesty I couldn't have cared less!

The weirdest part for me are the comments from other parents (of boys) who absolutely cannot possibly comprehend that he doesn't enjoy football...& that I'm not forcing him into it.

Hi @FootballFandango - with regards the inactivity you need to model being active as a family. So walk your son to school and back. After school there needs to be something active each night - instead of just a dog walk pop the dog in the car and head to the woods, or a new play park. Look up weekend opportunities for outside stuff....an orienteering club trial, a national trust property with a trail around the garden where exercise is secondary. As for the social side can he join cubs? My non football boy (and my football loving lad) both love scouting. They do outside stuff and are encouraged to be active without realising it.

My daughter would rather stay home than go out. But we make sure she does enough to be healthy. But she doesn't play for a team. But she loves a play park. And once we are out and about she's usually ok. Taking friends on activities helps a lot or going with another family.

You are right to be worried about physical inactivity. He needs exercise for good physical and mental health. Recommended minimum is 1 hour per day for children.

I think he just hasn't found his thing yet. It's common in kids who don't like team sports or the "usual activities on offer to kids. As he gets older he'll have more options open to him.

Get him checked out for anaemia and other causes of tiredness. Make sure he has good sleep hygiene and a good diet and keep trying.

This could have been me as a child. I really loved animals though and did love horse riding. For horse riding I would be active at the stables all day to afford my lesson!

School sports were a nightmare and I hated hiking and cyling with my family. I didn’t really like moving much and was overweight as a child despite my families best efforts. Equally I hated being left out and the humiliation of always being last.

Then, when I was almost 15 I joined the scouts. The focus was not on team sports and lots of good peer support. I was horribly unfit but they motivated me and by 17 I had completed a marathon.

Would scouts be an option? They do lots of non sport activties - first aid, fund raising etc. too and if he joins at 10 there will be a group of older peers for him to look to.

OP

I would 100% recommend you seek an occupational therapists input.

If he genuinely hates movement in the way you describe he may have a lower than average muscle tone, poor core strength or poor coordination for example.

My advice would be to search for a children's OT in your area and give them a call. Describe what you have here and ask for an assessment.

We have just been through this with our son as part of an EHCP assessment and I had no idea about the extent of physical difficulties that can be uncovered and helped by OT.

@FootballFandango ^^

I should have named you in my post above re OT but I hope you see it in the sea of debate as I think it might be genuinely helpful X

I can recommend skateboarding or lessons for unsporty children. It’s not necessarily competitive either. Table tennis is another that might appeal.

OP (and Xiaoxong) you could be describing me as a child. You really could. My DM was desperate. I still don’t think she’s over the day she made me try a tennis session at the local club. Hours of tantrum and screaming. She eventually got me there with the promise that I only had to try that one session. Got home and declared ‘well I’ve tried it’ and had another tantrum.

See also horse riding, ballet, fencing, various other dance classes.

I hated PE. Wouldn’t join in. I was a model student elsewhere, literally the golden child, but come PE I would strop and moan and arse. My single target from school for Year 11 was to find a physical activity that I enjoy. I walked the 100m.

I would make any attempt at a family walk hell.

Eventually I got a little better as a young adult, but still nowhere near enough exercise to be healthy.

Until, that is, I had an asthma ‘attack’. Out of the blue. Had been on a bike ride on holiday with friends and one of them realised that I wasn’t just out of breath. I was struggling to breathe. No one had ever told me that wasn’t normal. They just told me I was unfit. Lazy. Unhealthy. Turns out I just needed a fucking inhaler. I can’t tell you how incredible it felt to use it the first time.

I still wouldn’t say I love physical activity. Certainly not sport. But I can enjoy walks. The occasional physical activity like climbing or swimming. I go through phases of enjoying the gym (not classes, but being able to build up at my own pace on the machines). The other thing for me was getting a Fitbit type watch - I find moving enough to meet the goals more motivating than abstract ‘I need to do physical activity to be healthy’ thoughts.

Please don’t rule out something underlying and physical that your DS can’t or doesn’t know to articulate. Can your DS explain why he doesn’t like moving? What it feels like when he does move?

My son who is 9, is exactly the same. He can't even ride a bike, he doesn't want one and does not want to learn, he had one when he was younger, sat on it once and refused to go near it again. Hes been offered all sorts but he says no and the only thing I've pushed (encouraged) is weekly swimming lessons and he would prefer not to do them but I told him that learning to swim is non negotiable as he does enjoy going in the sea when we are on holiday. My other child was always out and about on her bike or doing some sort of physical activity, all children are different don't stress too much about it.

He won't even learn to ride a bike. See? That's how bad it is.

He can barely kick a ball

OP, I really think you need to read up on dyspraxia.

He’s at the wrong school for him. It’s normal for lots of people not to be very active. Your child will end up with mental health problems if you make him feel like he’s not good enough for you or that he doesn’t fit in your family, let alone his school.

Can't you start running with him every morning. Say 10 mins increasing to 20?
At age 9 I would think he would be pretty fit in a month.

People don't like sport you aren't good at. He needs to be a bit fitter. Remember the other DCs most likely are NOT being taken on a run every morning by their DPs so he will catch them up and overtake them quickly. So at least he can hold his own at school sports.

He doesn't like football, if you lack coordination (like me) team sports are a nightmare! Encourage him to try other sporting activities and pastimes, unusual things maybe, not everyone likes ball sports

Two pronged attack.

1. Everyone needs to be active, so if he doesn't want to do sports he should walk to school and back.
2. Help him find the things that give him a buzz and a confidence boost. Academic, creative, social whatever. These are the things that will build his identity.

My children are the same. No interest whatsoever in physical pursuits.
I won't force them, but encourage them to make sound life choices.
Nobody in our entire extended family is interested in football - if nobody ever played a game of football, ever again in the world ever, I'd not bat an eyelid.

Yes please both read up on dyspraxia. Low muscle tone, poor balance, poor coordination....

No amount of dispare can make a dyspraxic child a top athlete. But with knowledge they can find a better exercise. Dyspraxia can’t be “fixed” but it can be helped.

If you are concerned, maybe think about a possible reason?

OP, maybe just call a truce whilst you try to work out a way forward. Consider if this is the right school for your DS. He might be more of a spectator for team sports, than a participator. This is fine as friends can bond over watching a match together, not necessarily playing. My younger two were not physically gifted in any way. It was hard for them but they are who they are. That said, we absolutely insisted on walking. Ensured they learned to swim and ride a bike...it bought little joy but ticked a couple of boxes. They both became more active without realising it once they joined a theatre group. Lots of movement and dance but in the context of drama and art. Would that be an option? I agree with other posters about not being able to make a horse drink. It was more of a drip feed with my two and a very low bar! And socially finding the right medium so that they felt more of a ‘can do’ attitude amongst non judgemental peers. I also had to have quite strict words with myself about my own motivation ...sometimes our aspirations for our children channel them in directions which don’t match their abilities or desires, and we need to reconsider. mine are now 19 and 21 with varied interests and not sedentary. They’ll never be sporty but it’s worked out one way or another. Take heart.

Ps My DD is quite severely dyspraxic. It was a great proud mummy moment to see her dance on stage, part of a group and physically active.

Go for a walk somewhere with a 5 bar gate

See if he can climb it without you telling him how to do it or where to put his feet etc

If he has a problem with it then I reckon he needs to be seen by OT as others have said

Cos to me it sounds like dyspraxia and maybe hyper mobility especially in his knees

When he stands upright do his knees kind of go backwards beyond the angle yours do, not describing it very well but if you see him in shorts look at his knees compared to others in his class or your family (on football pitch or wherever you might see other children in shorts or your own other children)

Does he has siblings or cousins? if so stand them in a line to attention (just say you are playing a game or something without telling them why), and look at their knees from side on

With the football, bike riding and walking etc etc please get him checked out