How do you handle food rules and birthday parties

[ihuli]

Dd has a group of 4 friends, one of them is vegan and also not allowed refined sugar/ junk foods. They are age 7/8

Day to day play dates need a bit of planning, but it’s ok. She does like food and asks for it a lot, but is also quite fussy. They buy a lot of food stuffs I’ve genuinely never tried, and sometimes I don’t know what she wants when we asked. last time I took her to the local co-op to try choosing and it was hard to find anything that was allowed but yet also wanted. A banana certainly doesn’t cut it. She also sees me as a soft touch and will want the doughnuts for example (vegan in the coop) so I’ve stopped that as mum is then annoyed. She directs me not to allow her to eat at all sometimes, but the child refuses to do anything if not fed (her two siblings are not like this to be fair). Her diet involves a lot of bread as she’s not very keen on veggies/ non-exotic fruit

Birthday parties have proved really hard in the past. One for example she wasn’t brought to when they were younger, pizza making, wasted a load of vegan cheese and extras as there was a last minute judgement her dd would be upset by not being able to eat many things. My child did want cheese very strongly to be there. Another I didn’t realise drinks were an issue, handed out fruit shoots and it was taken away... cue sad child to deal with (she drinks squash I’m sure so didn’t know) Most result in her sitting away from the group and eyeballing them if there’s food, or on a parent’s lap with sad face and feeling awkward. Food bought especially goes to waste (and can frankly double the cost...). I keep vegan spread in the fridge and offer toast as a compromise normally on play dates. It’s become a big wedge, the rules and her reaction to not eating what the others are allowed.

I’ve really tried, from making vegan cakes (not eaten by anyone, not my forte) to separate food but it’s still an issue. I’ve asked for recipes, but they’ve involved flours/ nuts etc that aren’t easy to source without a journey out of area and require blenders which I don’t have (she is extremely dedicated to food prep, even making her own stuff raw vegan) I find mum a really difficult character in many ways with views on me (eg owning a TV, activities we do etc) not just food. I’ve tried reasonable chats but she’s of the firm belief that my choices are wrong and hers correct in short. I think anything short of a party that has no junk/ sugar and is vegan wouldn’t be enough. None of my other vegan friends react this way, it’s not an anti-vegan post.... it’s a super restrictive diets and difficulty/ judgement of me. Two other adults are vegan and their kids are veggie that we know through my other kids, it’s zero fuss to eat with them.

Now my dd does not want to be restricted, she wants some sweets alongside the fruit at birthdays. One of her friends is positively junk focused and would sulk if there’s none (well, it’s a birthday party, they tend to be conditioned to it).

The girl is otherwise lovely, and it’s horrible to leave her out of small parties. What would you do? I’m really close to having the easy life and just having the others. It’s a movie party and they will snack heavily, and expect it.

I can't be doing with the sugar police. An in law is one of them towards her kids and it does my head in! Ok sugar isn't great as a daily food but cake with (shock horror) icing at a party and some sweets is perfectly fine.
I would happily cater for vegan/allergies but just being difficult no. It's a party! Wonder what the mum eats and drinks at a party?
I would say what food there will be making sure there is vegan stuff; say she is welcome to provide food for her DD if it isn't suitable.

I would make a great deal of effort for a kid with allergies, a decent effort for those who were vegetarian/ vegan and zero fucks about the whole sugar / junk food denied kids. Absolute zero fucks.... it’s a birthday party and I would design the food around your DDs requests. My DD7 loves a traditional birthday tea so I would deliver that. Now in my part of the world there is a decent amount healthy foods usually found at these...hummus, carrot sticks/ crudités or bread sticks, fruit platters ( exotic fruit kebabs) and sandwiches. You can then add the usual crisps, cakes and biscuits. I think I’d look at making vegan brownies or similar to ensure there was a suitable sweet treat but wouldn’t stress too much beyond that. I certainly wouldn’t want the loony mother there running her disapproving eyes over everything. If her kids can’t make their own sensible choices too bad she can decline the invitation.

Laughing at her trying to keep her kid from games. When DS was young, I told him video games are not inherently bad, and if he was with friends and playing, he should have a good time. He said he hated visiting friends who never looked up from the console, so he'd play with their other toys while they were glued to the screens. We didn't have them at home, told him because there was no time for it and if he ran out of things to do, to please come see me because I would find something to keep him busy. He never did come ask me, knowing it would be something like work! And, he's grown and married and still doesn't have any interest in games.

Feeling bad for the little girl. When she gets to be old enough to go out without her mother, she's going to eat like no tomorrow! Her mother is way too controlling.

I think this is the time for your dd to make new friends.

And why teh hell would you let this women dictate.Tell her its a party so
[a]her dd can eat whats there
[b]can send a packed lunch
[c] doesnt come at all.

Stop pandering to her ,its your dd birthday.Do what she wants.

I reckon if you can think of some appropriate foods you could easily and cheaply prepare/buy that you think other children will eat if she won't, then fine, text these as suggestions to the Mum, but make sure to say if she isn't happy with these options a packed lunch will need to be brought. You can't spend a fortune and spend hours preparing just for the child or mum to turn their noses up, especially when your past efforts haven't been appreciated.

Like PPs I can totally see this girl filling her boots with sweets, dairy products and meats once she's old enough to buy her own foods.

The mum is being a total pain. She can be a restrictive and controlling nightmare to her own child but she can’t force others into her view point and basically try to ruin someone else’s party. That poor girl will end up isolated ( and I’ve been on the other thread saying I don’t see how being vegan could lead to a child being isolated...) as her mum is just taking things far too far. What do other partners do?

I’d change a party food menu for an allergy (although if a child had a serious allergy I’d take up the offer of a lunchbox as I’d always be worried about cross contamination). It’s amazing how many things have got unexpected ingredients.

Hand the poor child a a slice of cake and say nothing. The woman is batshit.

This is what happened to my neice, she was raised a strict sugar free vegan. At xmas gatherings she would look longingly at the food but was told she didn't need it! As soon as she left home she ate everything she is now extremely overweight and suffers with crippling anxiety.
Her parents pretend not to notice, they are still vegans and eat very small meals. The dad, my BIL looks almost emaciated. so sad.
This poor girl is heading for problems in the future I'm afraid.

oh OP - I've been in your position actually, it wasn't about vegan foods, but another parent made me feel bad about our different parenting choices as if hers were superior, so I was expected to fit round her choices, including accepting the negative effects of those, but she didn't feel the need to compromise hers, because she'd taken the moral high ground. (this was gentle parenting)

From what you've said, her DD is already exhibiting an unhealthy relationship with the junk foods her mother has banned. Her way involves creating eating disorders in pre-pubesent children. This is not a morally superior lifestyle choice, it's frankly crap and shouldn't be pandered to.

I don't have an answer to another parent making you feel bad because they've managed to make their alternative choice the morally superior one - even though you've rejected making the same choice as you feel it's an inferior way to raise your child.

Sorry, I think you just have to keep reminding yourself that the mother's unhealthy mental attitude to food is terribly sad for her daughter, but ultimately, your child's relationship with food is your concern, not anyone elses.

Provide the food you want to provide. Tell the bonkers mother what you are offering. If she wants to send a packed lunch, that's fine, but you won't be monitoring what her DD eats.

I would buy in pepperoni pizzas, fruit shoots mini magnums and a maaaasive chocolate cake covered with sprinkles and then I’d give them all a huge bag of Haribo to take home.

I actually think that placing such restrictions on a child is borderline abusive behaviour and I hope that the child stuffs herself with the biggest cheese burgers she can find when she is old enough.

Seriously though I wouldn’t make any accommodations since the child never eats the things you provide for her anyway. And neither would I police what she eats. Her restrictions are the parent’s choices not necessities, so if the mother wants to have her child’s diet policed she can go with her child to the party and stand over them while they eat.

I have had children with nut allergies at parties when DC’ were younger and I catered for those and gave the mum e.g. food packages so she could double check the ingredients.

But no way would I cater for this child and neither would I give the other kids’ vegan food to pander to the mother’s lifestyle choices....

Make token effort with vegan sausage rolls from Greggs and tub of vegan ice cream but as it’s choice not allergies point out to child and patent their food and don’t do or think anymore about it, let them decline invite or sulk in corner but don’t do any more than token effort mother is a dick

How about a vegan cheese and pineapple Hedgehog?

You don't have to tell the other kids that it's vegan.

Big bowl of strawberries?

Crudités and hummus?

Kids will eat a lot of things if they don't know that they're 'healthy'.

Also, OP, you are a much better parent than this cunt. Remember that every time she starts. She is a bully and is mistreating her child.

Blimey, poor kid. It's difficult if you're worried that the mum will stop letting her daughter come to yours.

Nonetheless, there has to be a limit! And that limit is a long way back from making the whole party vegan and sugar-free!

I'd do pretty much what a pp suggested:

• choose a few simple things to add to the menu, eg plain popcorn, crudités, fruit, bought sugar-free cake
• give the mum the whole list of what will be served at the party
• offer for her to send anything else her daughter would prefer
• be very clear that you won't be policing it. I'd reclaim the moral high ground on this, saying that by eight you expect the children to manage their own food intake (barring allergies, which no-one at the party has). They are approaching a sensitive age for image and eating disorders, so in your house you won't make a fuss over food or be restrictive. It's not an example you want to set your DD.

Poor kid. Her mother is setting her up for a lifetime of problems with an attitude like that. But it is not your problem OP. You can't spoil things for your own child and the rest of the guests because of one nightmare mother. It sounds like nothing you do is going to make her happy anyway, so don't tie yourself in knots trying. Provide a few vegan options so that the poor kid doesn't actually have to go hungry, but don't let this attention seeking woman undermine you and spoil your DD's day.
One of my children has multiple food allergies, including dairy and eggs but I never expected other children to do without things at parties. The only exception is that I used to ask for there to be no nuts or peanuts if possible as he is very sensitive to those and even cross contamination could cause anaphylaxis.But otherwise I didn't expect anyone to go to any trouble - though it was always nice if people did get him something. Usually I took a few bits and pieces with me to make sure he wasn't hungry and most party buffets had something that was ok even if it was just cucumber or carrot batons. I know some people will think I was harsh, but basically my son will see people eating things be can't have fir his whole life and I figured that the sooner he got used to that the better. Plus I believe it is safer for a child with allergies to learn what safe and unsafe foods are from an early age. Obviously this is a different situation but this mother has chosen a specific diet for her child which is her prerogative, but it is not the norm and it is totally unreasonable for her to expect the world to change to accommodate her choices.
(That said if you do want to be accommodating I have some good, easy vegan cake recipes that I will happily share- they do contain sugar though!)

If she wants to be that strict, she can supply her own food for her dd.
Essentially my house, my rules. I don't bend over backwards for food choices, don't say no tv or devices. A party has party food that the birthday kid likes, that simple
Allergies I ask for food to be sent simply for cross contamination and it's safer for all.

So what have you decided to do, OP?

I second mum having to provide snacks for her DD if mum is so fussy.

Will not get into began diets for children.

It's mum's job as she is fussy and to avoid you traipsing up and down supermarket aisles with DF in tow, teasing her with all the things she wants but can't have

The last time I looked after a vegan child I found her eating a slug while we were all in the garden.

Honestly I would ask for a packed lunch at the party and then probably encourage my child to make new friends and see this friend less. It's a shame but you've been more accommodating and patient than most people would be.

I would put a generic comment on the invitation stating that their will be foods containing sugar, dairy etc at the party. It is then up to the parents to decline or send a packed lunch. It is your daughters birthday, why should you have to cater to one mothers extreme demands at the expense of your own child's enjoyment? Absolutely crazy.

I have some friends who are vegan/vegetarian and some who are gluten intolerant and of course do cater to them. But they are not judgemental arseholes with a major sense of entitlement.

@Nordicwannabe also raises an excellent point about eating disorders and the importance of not making a big deal of food. I could go on and on about that topic, but it is so important that food is not given moral tags such as "good" and "bad". Even too much focus on health can be damaging to children of that age. Food is food. Some makes us strong, some soothes the soul, some is simply yummy. And kids are so good at listening to their bodies if we allow them to.

One poster suggested buying vegan cheese and not telling the kids. Please don’t substitute common things with vegan alternatives and not tell people. You actually could be exposing people to allergens or food sensitivities when they think they are eating something safe. There are many more allergies out there than the big 7.

I always try to make my guests feel welcome and have food they will enjoy, but there are limits. I would not restrict my child’s birthday menu. I would make sure there are some safe options included. I also would not stop an 8 year old who is not on a medically restricted diet from making her own food choices.

I’m just going to suggest the packed lunch. I may mention food waste, the amount I’ve had to chuck in the past that we don’t eat that doesn’t get touched. I’ve reflected a bit and I think there’s also some performance parenting, there’s food I know she’s let her have herself but she goes super strict in front of me, eg she’s had chips before on family days out.

With our older kids there’s also further issues (not with the kids themselves) in how interactions are dealt with so maybe it just needs a bit of stonewalling

I think mentioning the food waste is a good idea. It will be an incentive for her to provide the lunch.

I think previous posters suggestions of not allowing the friendship outside of school are cruel. Why should the children pay for this selfish woman's parenting decisions?

When DD was at primary school my go to evening meal food was just pasta with a simple home made tomato sauce for everyone, with grated cheese being optional. Would this child eat this?

At the end of the day, I assume at 8 years old the mother isn’t accompanying her DD on play dates or parties so she’s not there to tut or sigh at you. I’d stop worrying too much what she thinks, honestly! Vegan food provided, yes. No sugar food ... nope nopity nope!