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Original poster

Don’t really want to return to work, but want more money

59 replies

Lardlizard · 15/10/2019 11:13

For extra luxury’s in life

I don’t know if I’m lazy or this is normal to feel this way

Youngest started school last sept so he’s all settled
Since he’s been at school I’ve been doing charity work which I enjoy
Dh works a v stressful job and long hours
So I suppose I’m concerned about being the one that’s run ragged as I’ll still end up doing everything relayed to the kids and way. Ore than half at home
Dh doesn’t want to change jobs Or anything his job requires long hours

OP posts:
SesameOil · 15/10/2019 11:22

I think it's understandable to feel you don't want to engage in paid work if it's going to have to fit in around all the work relating to multiple children and most of the house stuff too. If your husband works long hours and either can't or won't do anything to alter this, it's going to mean a lot more falling on you unless you're going to be able to use the extra money to buy in some help with these things (eg wraparound childcare rather than you necessarily needing school hours work).

That said, it might still be to your advantage to work anyway. Even if it doesn't improve the family quality of life in the short term, it's disaster proofing. It also sounds like you're not in one of those situations where the DH earns so much that your earnings don't have to be factored into it?

Original poster
Lardlizard · 15/10/2019 13:41

I suppose we don’t need to money as such and we still have holidays days outs weekends away etc
But certain things like I’m trying to save for Florida, I guess I’ll need to save about 6k plus
It’s just taking ages Like years

OP posts:
UpToonGirl · 15/10/2019 14:23

@lardlizard I suppose I'm in a similar situation to you - well I will be in a couple of years when the youngest starts full time at school.

DH earns a good wage and we have savings/holidays etc so don't really need the money but I want to do things to the house and plan for Disney world etc. We can afford those things but it would be much easier with more £ coming in!

I'm concerned if I return to work I'll be putting myself in a situation I don't need to be in and it'll be more stress than it's worth. DH works long hours during the week, often away for a night or two. More occasionally he's away for longer. If one of the kids was ill or needed picking up it would definitely fall on me - he really can't be that flexible. Also there's childcare and school holidays to figure out and sometimes it seems like more hassle than it's worth!

If I had a career I was desperate to get back into or felt strongly about working outside the home we could muddle through but I'm not sure if it's worth it just so we can have more luxuries.

maidenover · 15/10/2019 14:29

Can these men really not be that flexible or do they just not want to be?

If your husbands are that well thought of in their jobs could they really not work from home for a day a week or flex their hours around drop offs or pick ups?

It’s amazing how many women seem to be able to manage the above whilst working in the same professions as men.

Sometimes I wish I had one of those magic penises that I could use it as an excuse to avoid the mundanities in life.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 15/10/2019 14:43

I think you need to stop looking at employment as two extremes (Nothing- Your DH level of stress)

My DH has a very long hours/ stressful job and I do end up doing most of the house work/errands (I’m also pregnant atm), we don’t ‘need’ the money from me working but I enjoy having something outside the house that’s my own (colleagues, somewhere to go...etc).

I work with A LOT of women in your situation (school aged children) who work 8-20 hours a week and save their wages for holidays/items they want) and they don’t seem over stressed!

Equally I used to work in retail and was surprised how many of the 8-16 hour contracts were taken by mums who ‘didn’t need to work but were saving for some thug’
With retail it’s also REALLY easy to leave if you don’t like it/doesn’t suit. Tbh we used to have plenty of women who would join in Jan and then quit in early July for the school holidays 😂

Velveteenfruitbowl · 15/10/2019 14:48

You could always get a job and get someone in to help you with the kids/the house. Surely there isn’t that much domestic work that you couldn’t outsource it?

Clearwater788 · 15/10/2019 14:59

Just get a part time job.

UpToonGirl · 15/10/2019 15:06

@maidenover it really is that my husbands job is not that flexible. We discussed before he took it (well the job before his current one actually) and agreed it really wasn't a flexible role but because of the benefits we were happy to go ahead. It was very much a joint decision and I would still make it again.

Yes @DisneyMadeMeDoIt I would only be looking at very PT work but would still need to think about covering school holidays and if the kids were off school for illness - still having nightmares about the time they all had chicken pox but not quite at the same time, would have needed about 3 weeks off to cover it! I know that's not typical but with three there is often something going round. That's where I start wondering if it's worth it, I would hate to be a flaky employee and have the stress of finding childcare for all three during the holidays - it would need to be something very flexible!

@velveteenfruitbowl I suppose I could but I struggle with seeing the gain. I'm not mad keen to get back to work and would probably spend any extra income on outsourcing tasks and spend less time with the kids (although some weeks that may be a blessing!).

It's not that it's not possible to go back to work but it's more about if it's worth upsetting the balance...but also as @Lardlizard said just wanting more money for luxuries.

BrieAndChilli · 15/10/2019 15:15

when i had preschool age kids i worked evenings as working daytime would been working more hours but bringing home less money after childcare!
once my youngest started school i decided to get a daytime job - my eldest then promptly had a burst appendix meaning a month off school!! so you are right with 3 kids it always seems like someone is ill/has an appt.
mine are now aged 8-12 and i work almost full time. it is crazy and busy and i often wish i didnt work as the house wouldnt be such a mess etc but work gives me an life outside of mum/wife and i know i am respected for being me etc but I am lucky that i found a job i like with a team who all get on like sisters.

SesameOil · 15/10/2019 15:50

What's your previous sector and experience, qualifications, earning potential OP? Because you're right, if you can't get something school hours then those are potentially some hefty wraparound and holiday childcare costs. The question about whether all these DHs are choosing not to be flexible is a fair point, but equally, if you've had what sounds like several years out and he has a role with a lot of benefits you can't necessarily choose to rebalance things a bit. It's hard for anyone to guess which category your situation might fall into without a bit more information.

There is also the possibility of earning a bit of money from something other than paid employment or self-employment. There are threads about it in the money section: tenner a day, matched betting and the like.

eurochick · 15/10/2019 16:31

I agree with @maidenover. Women always seem to be able to force some flexibility into their roles if they need to.

And I say that as someone currently on an overseas work trip. My job is demanding but I juggle things to make them work. For example, I'm making sure I time this trip so I'm back for my daughter's parents evening on Thursday. I might be the higher earner but I'm not leaving everything child related to my husband. 🤷‍♀️

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/10/2019 17:31

I’d want to work for more than just the luxuries. What happens if your DH leaves or worse? Pension? Children seeing both sexes have to work?

Original poster
Lardlizard · 15/10/2019 17:48

Uptoongirl yep it’s exactly that
My situation same as yours

To everyone else I do feel my life is full very busy social life and my charity work also gives me some something else other than wife n mum
and I know I set a great example to our children

Guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s worth it for the next day 5-6 years
Once my youngest is in secondary
I will be more free n not have to worry about before school n after school care etc
Might even think about starting my own business then

OP posts:
SesameOil · 15/10/2019 17:50

What would you like to do and what could you realistically do, and is there an overlap?

Original poster
Lardlizard · 15/10/2019 17:50

I also don’t want to be that flaky Person at work always having to be leave etc

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 15/10/2019 17:56

I don’t know if I’m lazy or this is normal to feel this way

I would say it’s normal enough to feel this way yes - but most people who do then just get on with working for their money. You want nice things, you’ve got to work for it - that’s just life isn’t it??

Nicknacky · 15/10/2019 17:57

I don’t think it’s reasonable not to work on the off chance you need to collect kids from school. You might rarely have to do it, I think we have had to collect once and my eldest is 12.

And I do think it’s fair to take the pressure off the main breadwinner once kids are older not to mention pension contributions, financial independence etc.

Passthecherrycoke · 15/10/2019 17:58

I’m with you op i hate saving for things and economising is rather just work and have it now

But I think in a way you’re looking at it the wrong way- is there actually anything available to you that makes working a realistic prospect? What work do you do? Because If you’re not going to earn enough to pay for your wrap around care you’re restricted to school hours/ term time working which is very hard to find and often low paid.

BunnyColvin · 15/10/2019 18:06

OP you need to think about what things would look like in the event that your relationship went pear-shaped, which (even looking at the statistics and even if you think there's no chance) is quite possible in the future. What potential financial security do you have? What are you trained to do? Do you need to start training for something else? How will the fact that you took time off affect your chances in the future?

Without a majorly thought out fall-back position, I think any woman is utterly crazy to put themselves in a position of financial dependence.

In your position, I'd be looking to make a start now, however small.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/10/2019 18:09

And I do think it’s fair to take the pressure off the main breadwinner once kids are older not to mention pension contributions, financial independence etc

I agree. If DH thought work was something only others did and left me to finance everything he wouldn’t be my DH for long.

SallyWD · 15/10/2019 18:21

I work 17.5 hours per week in a non-stressful role. We could live on my husband's wage but I needed something other than housework in my life. I really enjoy work and I have enough spare time to do house stuff too. Also treated us to a cleaner which has made life so much easier!

SesameOil · 15/10/2019 18:45

That would be fine provided you were willing and able to make the non-financial contributions needed to allow DH to work out of the home icecream! I do agree it's best for the total financial burden not to fall on one person but the flipside to that is that they usually need to take on at least some of the other stuff too.

dreamingofsun · 15/10/2019 19:00

i work PT and husband has well paid job largely away from home. I do it for the money (it pays for extras like extra tuition if kids struggling at school). Also for my pension, and to keep my hand it at work/for my CV. Also gives good role model to kids (not sure voluntary work would have quite the same ethos). And i know that if i ever got pissed off with husband i could support myself

What would work might you do? People at my work are generally understanding about sick kids.....but it does depend partly on your role, eg brain surgeon might not be so great.

it is hard work juggling. guess it depends how much energy and work ethic you have

dreamingofsun · 15/10/2019 19:01

do you have any parents locally who pick up some slack to look after ill kids? I would be more than happy to look after grankids if i ever have any

maidenover · 15/10/2019 19:53

Also if you’ve sacrificed your own earning potential and career ambitions to enable your husband to achieve both as if he hadn’t had children then is it really to much to ask that he arranges to finish work early on a Tuesday and get the tea on Hmm

I understand wanting to stay at home with small children but the totally subservience to the man of the household and lack of willingness to contemplate any change in his working circumstance because of children is part of the reason women find it so hard to find well paid flexible employment. If more men requested flexible working and left work at finishing time (rather than staying in the office to avoid having to feed or bath toddlers) then the playing field would be much more even.

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