Don’t really want to return to work, but want more money

[Lardlizard]

For extra luxury’s in life

I don’t know if I’m lazy or this is normal to feel this way

Youngest started school last sept so he’s all settled
Since he’s been at school I’ve been doing charity work which I enjoy
Dh works a v stressful job and long hours
So I suppose I’m concerned about being the one that’s run ragged as I’ll still end up doing everything relayed to the kids and way. Ore than half at home
Dh doesn’t want to change jobs Or anything his job requires long hours

If you are in the position where working is desirable rather than absolutely necessary I would start having a look round for part time work which you could manage within whatever child care is available to you. As others have said it really depends on what your previous line of work was. Maybe about 15 hours per week.

You will probably find it's not that easy to get which is why I'm suggesting to just start looking as I think it fair to contribute something financially when DC are at school - but equally you may find school holidays impossible to cover unless you just do temporary work around school holidays.

Generally it's easier to agree specific hours for admin or shop work if it's a small privately owned company.

I was lucky in having that holy grail of jobs - part time term time around school hours. Very few people get that lucky though.

I am well qualified I’m my previous job, which I also have contacts in, and can think of two previous people I also worked with that have asked me if I’m interested in doing some locum work, so if An emergency was to happen I would fall back on this
However I don’t want such a responsible Job in the future
It served a purpose, bought us our first two houses, got us I tot eh position of being able to afford to start a family etc

I am interested in starting a business but not till my youngest is at secondary

I think this perhaps more how to make money on the side till my ds2 is older to be more independent

Tbh reading these posts makes me really consider my own position. My DH’s job is very inflexible (hospital Dr) including regular nights/weekends meaning essentially 4/8 weeks he’s completely useless and only at home to eat, sleep a couple of hours and shower!

He says he ‘wants to be a hands on dad’ but he’s uncontactable in an operating theatre and getting hold of him even in ‘an emergency’ can take hours. Plus they won’t class ‘can you pick up X from school as they’re unwell’, as important enough to send someone to DH fetched from a surgery 😒

I’ve had this convo with DH

• Who will take/pick up from school - ME
• Who will have to stay home when they’re unwell - ME
• Who will still do all the shopping, cooking and 80% housework - ME

I’m currently planning on returning 3 days a week but I do worry that I’m going to be the flakiest employee ever, with my mind in a million other places!

Plus we had planned to have a second a year or so after this one - but I have had an AWFUL pregnant - HG (every other bloody side effect) and have been signed off work for over 12 weeks now. So part of me just wonders if it’s even worth returning post baby as I’ll feel very guilty to return and then be off with HG again within a few months 😒

I love my job which makes me sad as I don’t want to leave but I think that messing them around will cause serious animosity - I understand why women end up taking career breaks until children are at school 🙄😭

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt what do his female peers do?

@maiden

Most have husbands/ partners with ‘easier’ jobs and more flexibility. Those who don’t work less than full time and take an extra few years to qualify (although that’s less common)

DH is the main breadwinner here. His job is also inflexible and where he needs to be changes from day to day - and the time he gets home.

I did have a ‘part-time’ job of 30hrs per week only most part time isn’t just full time squashed into the hours in my experience. Organising the lives of two young children is incompatible with this - we don’t earn quite enough for any outside help and have no local family. This has led to me having to take time off due to exhaustion and my mental health has suffered hugely.

It’s not ok just to tell women they should be in work, or to find a unicorn job (mostly ridiculously underpaid and undervalued) of term time part time work. Too much guilt piled on in this thread and women are expected to do all of the unpaid labour, I think something has gone wrong somewhere with the ‘having it all’ lie.

I hear you Disney

I supose I just don’t want to end up like quite a few women I know that go to work yet do pretty much everything to do with the kids and home all the unseen work
Like right now on holiday next week and who’s tbh e one sortingvthe taxis, making sure the kids have all the kit THey need, making sure we have suncream and a million other things
Also the upcoming birthdays and Christmas and the million other things That I know will still end up falling on me
It’s like when I’ve been seriously ill in the past
Dh sent dd to school looking like a right scruff bag with hair not brushed properly etc
And things like play dates And them socialising etc he considers not important

@LardLizard

I totally understand, tbh I really resent the way SAHP’s are viewed (in my area/social circle) it absolutely Is a full time job. I know a lovely SAHP (mum) who was recently asked ‘but what do you do all day?’ by a friend who works FT...but also has cleaners and an au pair 😒

I also do understand why people ask ‘well what do DH’s female peers do?’ (I get asked this a lot) but I know there’s an undertone of ‘Are you sure you’re not just a martyr and DH is just choosing to be inflexible?’ 😂

But that’s honestly not the case.

Most of his peers don’t have kids, but those who do are partnered by someone whose job takes a secondary role. (We only know one couple who have equally demanding jobs and they have a nanny)

Male partners who sacrifice their careers for childcare/family income don’t seem to get half the stick, judgment or questioning that female ones do which seems very unfair 🤔

It seems like more emphasis is put on ‘being independent’ than acting sensibly for your family. For DH to drop 1 day would cost us the same as me dropping 2.5 days 🤯 and he would be just as inflexible the other 4 days with me picking up the slack.

Is there any possibility you could start your business 'in a small way'? Working around your DC's school hours? Obviously depends on what your business plans are but just an idea.

It infuriates me on here that there are always people who don't believe that sometimes the men (or women, but mainly men) do actually have jobs that they can't just up and leave from.

DH earns a good wage by our standards but works 4 x 12 hour unsociable shifts. He is never the one who can take a half day or leave urgently if one of the kids is poorly and I get that. I'm lucky that I work in the public sector and one of the benefits of earning less than in the private sector is that I have flexi time and can easily take time off for a sick child, etc. If I didn't, then I'd have to rethink my hours, etc. in order to plan for emergencies although now the kids are older, this is getting much easier!

she says, sat at home with an ill teenager upstairs

Shiney I guess the biggest problem with that is the school
Holidays and I feel like when I start that up I want to be able to fully commit

I don't want to be one of THOSE people but how do you think single parents cope who work?

I work and I have to do ALL the household admin as well, I can't afford to outsource a cleaner and all that other stuff. Also have to take the time off if DS is ill. It's only happened once in the past 2 and a half years.

But that is the way my life is and I have no choice or it won't get done. I read some things on here about married women whose partners are so bloody lazy around the home and wonder why would you just accept that? One of the reasons I left my ex was his total unwillingness to do anything around the house. When you have a partner and you are both working you should both be sharing housework.

Wax on don’t you share custody then ? Why is your not having them half the time

One of my good friends is a single mum and she relies heavily on her parents n grandparents for support
Financial and practical

You could try care work for an agency? Zero hours contract but amazingly flexible, I used to do it in the uni holidays (wasn't allowed a term time job by the university). I could decide what shifts to do and reject the ones I didn't want. It was a nice little earner!

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt I resent that actually - being a SAHP to school aged DC is NOTHING like a full time job. I don't have an au pair, or a cleaner, or a gardener - I have to fit that in around my full time job as well as look after DC!

@Waxonwaxoff0

I totally see your point but think you sum it up when you say ‘I have no choice’. I don’t think many single working mums would advocate the lifestyle. I know that when I talk about mine and DH’s situation I’m looking for an outcome where I still have an enjoyable life not simply what’s physically possible!
I would do things very differently if I were single 😂

I earn £1600 per month. To put our 9 month old into Good daycare so I could work FT returning from mat leave would cost us £1000+. If I were single I’d be topped up by £650 each month in combined benefits (I did the gov calculator) but because I’m married I get Zero not even child benefit. So as a single parent going back to work would mean £1250, whilst we would only get £600 extra household income. This is why dropping hours is so common and FT begins to feel ‘not worth it’.

If you need to be off with for DC you’re also less likely to face to ‘well can’t their stay home today?’ that I will. (This happened at all the time in the offices I’ve worked in. This expectation that simply having a partner means they should be the one to blow off their job).

There’s also one less adult in the house, making mess, bringing social and admin obligations. My DH isn’t lazy, he doesn’t sit and ignore jobs that need doing, but he’s little use when working awkward shifts on 60+ hours per week.

All of these things factor into decision making as a team. If I were single I would work FT or at at least 4/5 as it would make sense for me to do that but in my current situation it doesn’t.

I don’t think anyone is arguing that being a single parent is incredibly hard - but I do think it presents you with different choices/practicalities than those in partnerships.

@HavelockVetinari

Oh, I wasn’t just referring to school aged children when I said ‘I resent how SAHP’s are viewed’ I meant on a broader basis but should have specified. The mum I knew who was asked ‘what do you do all day’ did have two school age but also an 18MO

Havelock actaully I hadn’t even considered working for an agency
That’s actually a good idea
I might look into that

I couldn’t handle care work though

Could look at some other temp agencies though

I kept my career and ‘stressful’ job whilst also managing to bring up children. Which is lucky as my husband left me after 20 years. I’d have be fucked if I’d become a SAHM.

Get him to pull his weight and future proof your life

Apart from the fact I enjoy working, my biggest fear was taking a big gap out in my early 30s & not ever being able to get back into decent employment should the situation arise if I needed to. Life is expensive these days!

After my 1st maternity leave I knew I couldn't return to my much loved career as part time or flexi time was not an option but after 14 months off I wanted a break! A contact offered me a 2 day a week job which I jumped at, of course the pay didn't cover childcare but so what childcare is a joint expense. That job lead onto a another position which at 4 days was more than I wanted but it was good for my CV in terms of where I wanted to be. We did have help with childcare in that my mother & mil did a day so I appreciate I was lucky in that respect however we would have still paid. After 18 months I got the unicorn job, part time, tto+3 weeks, good pension in a school. Plus it's a 15 min walk from my house, & whilst I'm not back to earning what I did pre kids there is progression & im so excited to have a career again. In my first year DH worked from home, was flexible where needed & shared the load re sick kids. He is the breadwinner but recognises my career is important & I got a promotion after the 1st yr & am on approx 35k prorata. We have a cleaner & our childminder is flexible plus DC1 who is at primary does tennis, football etc after school which gives me a bit more time.
I am proof it can be done & life is certainly busy but I love it!

@DisneyMadeMDoIt I totally get that it's a different situation and I didn't bring it up as a race to the bottom argument, I just never get the "I can't work because of school holidays/having to be off with sick children" excuse because loads of people do it!

Obviously it may not be worth it financially and I think that being a SAHP is a completely valid lifestyle choice, I would never knock that. But some people talk like it's impossible to work because of school holidays and having to be off when children are sick when of course it's not, you just have to do what everyone else does and use paid childcare in the holidays. Whether you want to work or not is a totally personal decision if you can afford to stay at home but it's not an impossibility.

As wax says loads of people manage it. I had the summer off this year but dc2 still went to the childminder twice a week as we have to pay 49 weeks a yr regardless & dc1 went to quite a few activ camps days as he wanted to do it with his school friends.

I think the people who say 'I'd be working for only a couple of hundred a month after childcare, transport etc' aren't thinking long term. The early years are such a tiny percentage of your career, if you jack it in you miss out on promotions and will have a huge gap in your CV. It's tough whilst paying nursery fees but it's daft to quit your career unless you want to and understand how hard it will be to get back in, plus the lost promotions and pension contributions. It seems hardly worth it at the time but it is usually worth staying in work.