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Anxiety. Far more prevalent today? Overused term?

185 replies

Miljah · 11/10/2019 18:43

I barely open any thread on MN now concerning an issue someone has where they haven't used the word 'anxiety'.

I think of anxiety being a (diagnosed) disproportionate fear reaction that overwhelms your life like the Generalised Anxiety Disorder described on the NHS website.

Of course, I know that more or less everyone has the odd moment of fear- it's a useful thing, adrenaline kicks in, your fight/flight reaction; that helps you overcome whatever it is that initiated your fear reaction.

But I suspect we are trivialising the medical condition of GAD, as described in the link, by chucking the term 'anxiety' around so freely.

I was just reading about a young adult, first year uni, who phoned her mum at 4.30am because she thought she could smell burning; mother found the number of the Halls security and mum called it herself. And it was duly sorted out.

But people who asked why the DD hadn't begun to deal with it locally herself was met with 'Oh, daughter has anxiety'.... is that anxiety or lack of gumption?

Are we infantalising our youngsters by excusing such behaviour by labelling it 'anxiety'?

OP posts:
Streamingbannersofdawn · 12/10/2019 08:56

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I absolutely hate it, never mention it and feel very ashamed of it. Most people I know have no idea.

I don't want to be a worrier or a snowflake and try to be very stoic even though sometimes functioning feels like I am wading through treacle.

Part of this is because of Stigma, the idea that every other person seems to have anxiety these days. Last bit it is wanting to be string but not feeling it. I'm not sure that if anxiety wasn't prevalent it woukd make me feel better.

You woukd never catch me saying "it's because of my anxiety" but that's not always a good thing.

ChloeDecker · 12/10/2019 09:01

But no one gets support just from bandying around the term anxiety in the SEN system.

Actually they do.

3teens2cats · 12/10/2019 09:09

I think you can have an anxious disposition, meaning you tend to worry about things and avoid situations where you feel uncomfortable and this is a personality trait, it's just part of who you are. However if it gets to a point where it begins to control your life or you don't know what you are even worrying about then you you are tipping into an anxiety disorder and do need help. I think there are a couple of reasons why it is more prevelent, firstly it's more socially acceptable so people are open about it, second I think young people grow up with far more stress and pressure yet resilience is being slowly eroded in the quest for safety. It's a complex problem and of course like many other things will be used as an excuse by a tiny minority. 2 of my 3 sons have an anxious disposition. Both have had periods where it caused a problem and needed low level help. Both are currently managing really well but it's part of who they are and will rear it's head at times throughout their lives. Eldest has learnt how to manage it, younger son doesn't have that self awareness yet but we are constantly working to gently develop his resilience. Anxiety is part of being human. We all have mental health, we are not robots.

duckling84 · 12/10/2019 09:14

isabelle not necessarily. It could've been innocent - someone couldve been having a bonfire, or simply have burnt toast. I wouldn't phone the fire brigade just smelling burning. Seeing flames sure I would. Not for burning smell especially if the fire alarms aren't going off. I'd be worried about wasting their time

Abstractedobstructed · 12/10/2019 09:24

Surely the whole point is that everyone "has anxiety". It is completely normal and predictable to get anxious in new or unsettling situations.

Where our society has failed is in the pathologisation of anxiety. We are somehow brought up to think we should not get anxious, that it is wrong, bad and something to be avoided.

My mother's generation (war babies) was taught that you never show your kids that you are anxious (eg if one of them goes on holiday on their own for the first time). If your kid is worried you tell them not to be silly, nothing bad will happen; this dismisses their feelings and reinforces that they should not feel anxious. They have no parental model of healthy anxiety management.

My generation have swung the other way in response to feeling that their feelings of anxiety were dismissed by parents who told them to essentially pull themselves together, but remember that didn't stop them feeling bad. They vow to listen to their kids. Then when their child expresses anxiety they listen and they solve the problem for them; they step in, or they ask for adjustments, or whatever. They still think that anxiety is a terrible thing to be avoided and so they still try hard not to show the kid normal situations that make them anxious (eg going to the dentist, job interview) and they try to stop the feeling when it hits their child.

What we as a society have failed to teach our children:
Anxiety is normal
It is expected and predictable
It doesn't feel great, but that feeling won't hurt you
It passes

We need to SHOW our kids that we as adults do get nervous and anxious - it's NORMAL- but that we then manage it and have a successful conclusion. We need to say to that teenager off on their first holiday, "of course I feel a bit nervous about this, it's a big step, but I know you are sensible and well prepared and will handle it beautifully in the unlikely event that something goes wrong. Have a marvellous time". We need to say to our kids, "I really didn't sleep well because I was quite anxious about my big presentation at work today, but I prepared thoroughly, took a deep breath, and it went really well!"

When our youngsters get anxious we need to acknowledge their feelings and normalise them. We need to stop solving their problems on the one hand or dismissing their feelings on the other. Both those approaches lead to youngsters who think anxiety is a pathology to be avoided at all costs.

Teach your kids that anxiety is normal. "It's not surprising that you feel nervous on the first day of term; lots of the class will feel that way because you still have to get to know your teacher. I bet the teacher feels a bit that way, too; and I bet you will all feel ok by sometime!"
"No wonder you feel nervous about the test; most people get a bit anxious in these situations. As long as you have prepared well and tried your best that is all the teacher or I will expect".

We need to teach our children that avoiding situations which are genuinely not high threat level allows the anxiety, like a tomato plant, to grow unchallenged. Encourage them to try a bit and see how they feel rather than avoiding it. Ask them how they might solve the problem. Never tell them not to be silly or that there is nothing to fear; never tell them that mummy will help and not to worry because you will x,y,z beyong the age of about 4.

SomeKindOfMonster · 12/10/2019 09:30

I think the most important thing is what pp have mentioned about the differences between anxiety and anxiety disorder.

It's normal to have worries and fears and even physical symptoms to things that are rational worries. It becomes a problem if these worries are so severe that they stop you from doing normal things.

It's not normal to be anxious and have panic attacks for no reason when there is nothing to be worried about or the fear is something completely irrational.

It's definitely not a new thing either way, it was just called 'nerves' before.

isabellerossignol · 12/10/2019 09:33

isabelle not necessarily. It could've been innocent - someone couldve been having a bonfire, or simply have burnt toast. I wouldn't phone the fire brigade just smelling burning

Of course no one should be ringing the fire service for burnt toast etc but that's the whole point, that even a child should know the difference. If you think there might be a bonfire outside, you look out the window. If you think there might be burnt toast, you take a look at the toaster and see if that's where it is coming from. That's not something that an actual adult should still be learning, it's something that a child should know.

Mimishimi · 12/10/2019 09:34

I have terrible anxiety - I've had to be medicated for it. Generally it's the 'stiff upper lip' types who seem to cause a lot of the issues that give me anxiety to be honest.

adaline · 12/10/2019 09:36

Surely the whole point is that everyone "has anxiety". It is completely normal and predictable to get anxious in new or unsettling situations.

Surely you can see that there's a big difference between "being worried" and genuine anxiety that causes you so much upset you can't get out of bed or leave the house.

Abstractedobstructed · 12/10/2019 09:45

@Adaline

Of course. I have a teen with debilitating social anxiety and autism. He was always going to be inclined to anxiety. Maybe if I had known then what I know know about ways to manage anxiety and hadn't tried to take his problems away from him, he would now be better able to cope with his genetic inheritence load of "inclined to get anxious".

The whole point of my post is that the way we as parents model anxiety and manage it in our children contributes to people becoming so debilitatingly anxious that they cannot cope.
We have a hard job in today's world but we can unknowingly and with the best of intentions accidentally lower our children's resilience. I know I did for my child. I didn't do it on purpose of course. I didn't understand anxiety; no-one taught me. He would always have been a person who finds many new situations difficult. What I now realise is that by shielding him from new situations, I really lowered his capacity to cope, not increased it.

MazDazzle · 12/10/2019 09:46

I agree Gaga! I’m a teacher too and it is getting ridiculous.

On any given day I’m told multiple times (usually by pupils shouting loudly across the class): I can’t come to school because of my anxiety, I can’t sit beside so and so because of my anxiety, I can’t do my homework because of my anxiety... it’s a very fashionable term at the moment. One such pupil has a job working with the public in a busy cafe! She manages to turn up and work with others for that, also goes to plenty of concerts etc.

FWIW I have a child with ASD and people in my immediate family with mental health problems and I tutor someone one to one who struggles to leave the house because of severe anxiety, all of whom do their best to overcome the difficulties they have. Far too many teenagers are taking the piss though and using ‘anxiety’ as an excuse to get out of anything they can’t be arsed doing. It’s a disgrace, especially when they’re using up school resources put in place to help those genuinely suffering.

Abstractedobstructed · 12/10/2019 09:46

I'm talking about best-odds chances here to develop resilience.

Not that no one would ever become debilitatingly anxious if our parenting changed.

paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 12/10/2019 09:59

I’m surprised no one else has pointed out the constant bombardment of negative images and news these days and access to information. Climate change, terrorist threats, awful images of wars overseas, poor refugees drowning because they’re trying to make their lives better, increasing knife crime, division over Brexit, concerns about the rise of the right-wing...

I’m not saying these things didn’t exist before but now it is much more likely that we’ll hear about them, there’ll be images on our TVs, on social media, on the news. I remember reading about people who were getting post-traumatic stress-type symptoms following news coverage of terrorist attacks, even though they weren’t there themselves. No wonder anxiety is increasing!

While I agree that “anxiety” is bandied about a lot more, I think the world we live in now where people are never switched off, never away from distressing images, always worrying about big things that an individual can’t change, is naturally going to increase anxiety. Add in the slowly decreasing stigma of “mild” (I.e. more palatable) mental health disorders, it makes sense to me that people are more likely to express that they suffer from anxiety.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 12/10/2019 10:11

OP I get what your trying to say and I agree.

I believe as previous posters have said we all face situations in life that are unpleasant or uncomfortable. Most of the time most of us get through them and it's ok and at other times it's a bit of a disaster. We can learn from that and reflect on what we can do to influence a better outcome and process for next time. I like how a pp compared mental health to an immune system.

I've been a SAHM for a number of years now having previously been in a senior customer facing position which on the front of it gave people the impression I had boundless confidence. Sometimes this was the case and others I just had to recognise my pounding heart, blood rushing sound in my ears and sweaty palms as adrenaline and go with it. Sometimes I ballsed up spectacularly but most of the time it was ok. Occasionally that adrenaline was my friend and I bloody smashed it Grin

Now I've been away from that environment for a number of years the simplest of every day tasks do make me really nervous. I procrastinate about calling people I don't know. I jumble my words when I do. I dread meeting new people. But I know the more I make myself do them the less frightening over time it will become.

I do not have anxiety but I get anxious sometimes. There are some real examples on this thread others have shared which show how debilitating real anxiety is. My lovely mum has battled depression and panic attacks for years so I know what it can do.

But not everyone who gets anxious has an anxiety condition. And it's interesting that some posters who have described their genuine anxiety and admitted they feel others claims trivialise their condition, are not being contradicted by posters with "Oh but you don't get to decide who's genuine ".

SpiderCharlotte · 12/10/2019 10:13

Dh and I (and his teachers) witness daily his very real distress, physically and mentally he freezes and cannot face some things.

@dappledsunshine Do you know why he is so anxious? Did something happen in particular to trigger his anxiety? I ask for genuine reasons, he's just so young. Sad It must be very difficult for you to watch.

I teach older children and anxiety is used by many children as an excuse, no question about that, but that's clearly not the case in your little boy's case. I also teach children for whom anxiety is a real, tangible problem and I feel so sorry that their issues are being 'hijacked' by others for all the wrong reasons.

BlindAssassin1 · 12/10/2019 10:17

Years ago the word was 'stress', people would say I can't because I'm so stressed. And its not a medical diagnosis as such but can get out of control and destroy your mental and physical health. I think 'anxiety' has taken its place largely (I'm not talking about people with actual GAD btw). Stress is normal.

I remember going to the uni on-campus GP for IBS symptoms that was really getting out of hand. I was getting along great with my course. The GP gave me a lecture that some people can't handle stress and that uni life and academia is not for them. He said loads of students come to him for help but they were lazy or not very bright. At the time I was offended (and it turned out I had some grotty food allergies that needed testing for) but now I can imagine that 'anxiety' has replaced 'stress'.

Conversely when had a very poorly baby DC I had such bad anxiety that I'm sure I was a risk of a breakdown. And that was not dealt with properly because my DP told me to pull myself together and I felt so ashamed to deal with it openly. It took me years to feel better.

I wonder if there's a squeaky wheel thing with anxiety, people who are really going through it and need support aren't getting it and are struggling through, where people who are experiencing normal levels of nerves get attended to because they shout and demand the loudest.

Snog · 12/10/2019 10:19

I think it's very positive that anxiety is now more recognised and less stigmatised. It's an awful condition to suffer with.

It runs in my family. We push ourselves to do all the stuff we find difficult but this results in chronic exhaustion and insomnia. It's not just about pushing through as an answer because many things never get any easier no matter how much you do them and they take a real toll.

I also think we need to take a hard look at our society because our values and way of life are causing a lot of anxiety.

MitziK · 12/10/2019 10:41

@miljah. You're going on the attack because somebody disagrees with you that anxiety isn't a new thing and that using phrases like 'lack of gumption' is an acceptable way to speak about people who haven't had permission from a mental health professional to use the word Anxiety. As if it's easy for somebody to admit how they feel and get past people - like you - who want to gatekeep and decide who is or isn't anxious. It's not a fucking obstacle course where only the winners get permission to say they have anxiety.

The sarcasm you use in response to my pointing out that genuinely anxious children and young men were essentially murdered by the State during WWI and humiliated publicly is a great technique to use to cut off, dismiss and mock/humiliate an anxious person. Well done for knowing how to bully vulnerable people. Pity that a) You're utterly wrong and b) It's a frankly dickish move.

It is your fault that vulnerable, anxious children get treated badly. It's the fault of everybody who thinks a harsh response will get them to pull themselves together. Many won't be awaiting diagnosis because of gatekeeping - if they can even get the words out to tell somebody how they feel, they're dismissed and left to suffer (I deliberately use the word 'suffer') alone.

It is possible to acknowledge that somebody has genuine anxiety and help them learn techniques to recognise and manage their symptoms more often without saying it isn't really anything. Sometimes knowing 'OK, I'm anxious, yes my heart is racing, I need to sit down and practice gently breathing out and the feeling will reduce' is enough to get somebody able to function better. But sometimes it isn't. There can be other influences contributing towards the feelings - sensitivity to light, to noise, to large numbers of people, to feeling trapped.

The key to learning to manage with the symptoms of anxiety is awareness and asking for help - in your example of a young adult phoning her Mum and asking what to do, that's far better than spending all night terrified that something is wrong.

At the point of anxiety it's often too late to tell them to sort it out themselves and they shouldn't have gone into Halls if they can't deal with it - they might not be able to get the words out to anybody else, they could be scared of being laughed at, of being told they're stupid and weird. A calm 'It could be somebody burning toast. Can you hear anybody in the kitchen? No? Is there a security guard downstairs? Could you go down and ask them? No? OK, I can call them and ask and I'll call you straight back....I've spoken to security and they said everything is OK, they're down there all night - they've said you can go down and speak to them if you're worried about something and they'll check, but there are fire alarms on all floors. Alright? Good night then, love you'. Calling is taking action to deal with the fear. Going into Halls when anxious, rather than staying at home, is taking action to feel the fear and still do it. Why on earth would you use an example of somebody learning how to live away from home and cope with something new and potentially scary as evidence that they had no business trying it whilst simultaneously saying they should do it?

In my last job, because so many had paralysing or fight/flight responses to exam conditions, what we did was start small. They had multiple practice exams, starting in familiar surroundings of the classroom, but with exam desks lined up in the same way they would be in the exam hall. Some were anxious at things being different - 'yes, it is, we're doing this so you aren't suddenly put in the position of doing this for the first time on the morning of your final exam'. As they did that and got used to it, we moved them up to the hall and dealt with the ones who still reacted strongly - by the end of the year, because we'd dealt with some of things that contributed to anxiety; the different seating, the different location, the different sounds/temperature/environment, being unable to move around, having to put their hand up and ask for something from strangers (external invigilators were brought in for PPEs throughout the last two years), despite having a number of particularly anxious students, every single one was able to complete their exams and achieve their best results.

Survival of the Fittest is a shitty way to deal with people. There isn't an epidemic of overmedicalisation hiding 'wimps'. There is, however, more people acknowledging and recognising anxiety and it is moving from something to be ashamed of, hidden and ignored to something that is treated with more sensitivity and techniques for helping with the symptoms are now openly discussed.

I far prefer a society where 'Everybody feels like that, don't be so silly/grow up/you don't have a diagnosis so shut up and get on with it' is being replaced by 'Yes, it's horrible and overwhelming when it happens. You'd be surprised how many people feel that. What some find helpful is to.....as soon as they feel it start' or 'We know, so what we are doing is this....'.

Resilience is the buzz word. But it is something that needs to be learned by many - you can't just tell people to do it, if it doesn't come naturally, it needs to be learned - and being sympathetic is going to help them to learn it where dismissing them doesn't.

dappledsunshine · 12/10/2019 10:42

@SpiderCharlotte

Tbh there has been nothing dramatic that we can attribute it to, we have an idea of a couple of issues that have contributed but I think he may well be pre-disposed to it as I have a history of anxiety too.

It is hard to watch but he is getting excellent support and making progress, I hope that my experience can show him that it doesn't need to determine his life, you can manage anxiety/being in anxious situations with the right tools.

It would have been far easier to allow him to opt out and avoid everything but we're very much working towards coping with the feelings, working through them and carrying on living his life without letting it take over. Hopefully we'll get there with time 🤞

FlibbertyGiblets · 12/10/2019 10:49

MitziK brilliant post. Thank you.

dappledsunshine · 12/10/2019 10:50

@MitziK

I wholeheartedly agree with your comments.

As a child in the 70's my anxiety wasn't recognised or dealt with and I think that contributed largely to developing panic attacks in my early 20's.

I hope that by recognising and accepting my son's issues he can feel heard and supported and we can teach him the right tools to use now so that he hopefully doesn't have to have years of struggling.

I think it's fantastic that anxiety is openly talked about now, if some people use it as an "excuse" in life that's up to them but for the vast majority of genuine sufferers being able to speak up and understand why they feel the way they do can only be a good thing.

Fifthtimelucky · 12/10/2019 12:37

OP: I agree with you, and as others have said, anxiety is similar to other genuinely debilitating problems that are becoming debased by being claimed by those who not genuinely suffer from them. I think part of it is a reaction to the normalisation of mental health issues. That normalisation is of course a good thing. There should absolutely be no shame for those who genuinely suffer from depression, anxiety, stress, OCD, but genuine sufferers are very different from the vast majority of us who from time to time are stressed, anxious or depressed as a perfectly normal reaction, and we should not take advantage of the greater tolerance/acceptance of mental issues by falsely claiming them almost as a badge of honour and using them as an excuse for avoiding stressful situations.

It does no one any favours to label this group as having anxiety/depression etc. It does them no favours, because they grow to see their normal reactions as something abnormal, and avoid situations that could make them nervous when really they should be learning to deal with them. It does the genuine sufferers no favours, because it downplays the issues they face and makes the rest of us sceptical and less likely to be sympathetic

absopugginglutely · 12/10/2019 12:47

My DSD has anti anxiety medication but still refuses to attend school “because of her anxiety”.
When she’s driven home by her parents she sits in bed on her iPad for the rest of the day.
I just bite my tongue.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 12/10/2019 12:53

I have diagnosed reactive anxiety - I am able to tell the difference if I feel anxious about doing something or if anxiety is making life completely irrational and unachievable.

The same can be said for depression. We all have low days, and might say we feel depressed but that doesn’t mean that person has depression if that makes sense.

I don’t get to own the term anxiety just because I have a diagnosis, but I can see the point about it being trivialised by overuse.

SpiderCharlotte · 12/10/2019 14:00

@dappledsunshine I wish him all the very best, and you too. I'm so glad he's got such supportive parents. 😊

I don’t get to own the term anxiety just because I have a diagnosis, but I can see the point about it being trivialised by overuse.. I agree @SandunesAndRainclouds, I really think this is becoming a huge issue.

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