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Original poster

I'm not sure my parents like my dc

120 replies

Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:29

I live 4 hours away from my parents, who are in their late 60s and have busy lives. I have 3 young children. They have 5 other grandchildren.
I hardly ever see my parents, but if I give them a lot of warning they will come to look after the dc. This week we needed some childcare so I asked them months ago, and they have just left, having looked after the kids for 3 days.
My children have asked that they don't come again. They said my parents shouted at them. I can imagine my parents were tired and felt it was justified, but I just feel so sad. I didn't hear them praise my kids, or do anything nice with them.
My mum made cakes today. I asked her if the kids helped but she said she just wanted them out of the way.
When I came in from work each day the kids were watching tv.
I just want her to say something nice about them. They are not bad kids. Just totally normal. And most normal kids are adorable to their grandparents aren't they?
I just feel sad.

OP posts:
choli · 02/10/2019 22:33

Most kids are adorable to their grandparents in small doses. After three days of childcare not so much.

Wolfiefan · 02/10/2019 22:34

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ShippingNews · 02/10/2019 22:36

Just a thought from another grandmother....do your parents see your kids at any other time, except for when you want babysitting ? You may live 4 hours away, but maybe it would be good to visit your parents as a family, plan something nice to do with them.

If they only see your kids when they are in the role of babysitters, they might feel put upon and resentful. Grandparenting is supposed to be fun - your post makes it sound like it's a job . If you want your parents to like your kids, it's up to you to facilitate some relaxed family time, rather than asking them to drive for 4 hours and babysit for for 3 days.

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P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/10/2019 22:41

So they help you out with 3 days childcare and you write this post? Ungrateful much!

Seriously 3 days childcare is a lot, especially to grandparents they soon come to be un adorable

As for the kids watching tv, well shoot the grandparents however dare they allow this 😱 the fuckers

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:41

Sorry I should be clearer. We visit them every few months but it's tricky as they don't have space for us. This summer we rented a caravan and stayed near them, and we I went another two weekends with one of the dc each time. I agree that small doses is easier but they never offer to come. They have to wait to be asked. They do actually pass our part of the country every few weeks when they visit my elderly grandmother, but they almost never stop in.

OP posts:
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 02/10/2019 22:43

3 days babysit alot I agree.

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:43

Yes 3 days free childcare is great and tiring. I appreciate all of that. I just wish they wanted to see the kids more, without being asked.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/10/2019 22:43

Maybe they find them hard work? Perhaps don’t ask them to look after your kids again.

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:46

Yes I think they do find them hard work. I think that's because they don't know them well enough. I worry that if I don't ever ask them to come, they will never offer. Childcare aside, I would love them to have a closer relationship with my kids.

OP posts:
Justkeeprollingalong · 02/10/2019 22:48

Do you ever invite them for the weekend, just to spend time all together not for childcare?

Wolfiefan · 02/10/2019 22:49

But they live four hours away. It’s a huge effort to visit. How can they be super close?

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:49

Yes I try to invite them but they are often busy. They usually say no unless I book them in months in advance.

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 02/10/2019 22:50

You are getting a hard time on here OP, i see your point. You said you feel sad and i can understand why. I have a fantastic Mum and good inlaws who adore my children, so that is my 'normal'.

I don't think you are asking for much for them to want to see them more. Your Mum's comments about thd baking i find a bit nasty to be honest, even if it was a long and hard three days.

Not sure there is much you can do unfortunately.

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 22:50

I think this view that grandparents need to adore their grandchildren is outdated. They’ve raised their kids and done the hard slog! Leave them be to enjoy the rest of their lives without the drudgery of looking after children.

Chocmallows · 02/10/2019 22:51

There feels like a disconnect here - these are your parents and presumably they have a relationship with you and saw the DC from birth?

Has something happened, or do they like their own space in general and you are suddenly raising your expectations?

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 02/10/2019 22:51

Wolfiefan

Stop being an arse. There's no need for your nasty post.

converseandjeans · 02/10/2019 22:51

YANBU my parents always prioritized my brothers DC so when we went up we always felt like we were imposing as they used to have his kids Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday. As a result they would refuse to come to mine at weekends and would come in half term with his kids too. We live about 90 miles. My DB round the corner.
They were never as tolerant of my children. I think it's the unfamiliarity. However we never had the chance to build up the relationship as my niece and nephew were always about.
We lost Dad a few years ago and things are different. We see Mum more and her relationship to DC is better.
I don't think babysitting is unreasonable when it sounds like it's rare and also they are in school? Baking should be done with kids surely?!

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:52

Is it really not possible to have a close relationship with children who live 4 hours away? My sister lives in the same town as my parents. She phones the kids often and I think they are close. I know it is different as an aunty than a grandparent but I can't shake the feeling that they just don't really like my dc much. I don't suppose there's much I can do about that.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/10/2019 22:53

Honesty? I hurt all over. I am knackered and have raised my own children. I won’t be racing round the country after grandchildren. Sorry but I won’t. I intend to have some actual time for me and my DH. I may even read a book, perhaps finally get the house tidy and might even one day manage a lie in. Blush

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:55

Yes converse. That's it. I feel they find my kids hard as there's not a close relationship there. The other grandchildren are on the doorstep so the relationship is easier to maintain and I think they are more tolerant if them.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/10/2019 22:55

Not sure how saying providing full time childcare is hard work makes me an arse. Or that a grandparent who lives hours away won’t have the same relationship with the kids as one round the corner.
To parents our children are the best EVER. To the rest of the world? Not quite so much. Sorry but it’s true. Confused

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:55

That's so sad Wolfiefan. I hope I am never like you.

OP posts:
rosedream · 02/10/2019 22:57

I'd find that really sad too.

Its a real shame they don't want to know them more or want to spend time with them.

How much are they involved with their other grandchildren?

I know it's up to them what they do but it doesn't stop it upsetting you.

OneMoreForExtra · 02/10/2019 22:58

You're getting the new-normal MN hard time OP, but I understand where you're coming from. It would be nice to be able to delight in your DC together, and to watch as the next'closest family link to yours grows into something beautiful. Our DCs relationship with our DPs creates another piece of the family scaffolding. When its weak or absent our family is weaker, our kids have less of a stable protective network and our joy in them is less magnified, and it somehow lessens our own equivalents with our DPs. I'm sorry yours arent wanting to build a bond with their GCs without you directly engineering it. That must hurt.

converseandjeans · 02/10/2019 23:00

poetry my parents were definitely more intolerant of my DC. We also had several years with no invite at Christmas yet my brother round the corner saw them that day too. Do you have in laws?
My Dad's take on it was my in laws were nearby so he didn't need to put as much effort in. And SIL had fallen out with her own family - so he had to make up for that.
It does lead to resentment. Why wouldn't they want to see grandchildren? Their loss I reckon. .