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Original poster

I'm not sure my parents like my dc

120 replies

Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:29

I live 4 hours away from my parents, who are in their late 60s and have busy lives. I have 3 young children. They have 5 other grandchildren.
I hardly ever see my parents, but if I give them a lot of warning they will come to look after the dc. This week we needed some childcare so I asked them months ago, and they have just left, having looked after the kids for 3 days.
My children have asked that they don't come again. They said my parents shouted at them. I can imagine my parents were tired and felt it was justified, but I just feel so sad. I didn't hear them praise my kids, or do anything nice with them.
My mum made cakes today. I asked her if the kids helped but she said she just wanted them out of the way.
When I came in from work each day the kids were watching tv.
I just want her to say something nice about them. They are not bad kids. Just totally normal. And most normal kids are adorable to their grandparents aren't they?
I just feel sad.

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 04/10/2019 07:22

Poetryinaction I'm being honest . My son is a single parent - for the last 5 years I've spent about 4 hours a day with my grandchildren , doing the early shift from 6am til 8.30am, getting them up / ready for school/ driving them there. Then picking up in the afternoon . Taking them to doctors , dentists, doing all the patent / teacher interviews .

The children never show any affection or interest in me as a person - I often feel like the staff rather than their grandmother. I' m 60 and my life revolves around them so if you think I'm awful for admitting that I feel " meh" about them, we'll that's your opinion. Being a grandparent isn't all sweetness and light , sometimes it's just a hard slog .

billy1966 · 04/10/2019 08:07

@Shippingnews

You sound like an absolutely incredible grandparent to me.
Do your children appreciate the enormous sacrifice you are making?

I know for sure that I would not be prepared to do that.

A lovely friend of mines mother was just like you. She was full time childcare to her eldest sons 4 children. Yes, they had 4 children because they didn't have childcare costs (they were honest about that).

My friend stuck to 2 children because that's what she could afford comfortably with childcare costs etc. She never so much as asked her mother to babysit, she could see that her mother was wrecked from her days childminding.

Her mother was 14 years unpaid full-time childcare. She loved the children but she felt so completely restricted in her life.

She had a massive stroke in her mid 60's and languished for a couple of years in a home until she died.
Her son rarely visited, leaving it to my friend to that.

There is absolutely no way that I would be giving my life up to do similar.

Emergency help yes, a bit of babysitting yes.
Being full-time childcare. Fxxx No.

Too much to ask.

I don't believe for one second, in my experience, that most adult children appreciate that type of sacrifice, that a grandparent is making, at that stage of their life, to be providing full-time childcare.

For you @shippingnews💐

MarshaBradyo · 04/10/2019 08:09

Gosh Shipping you are doing a lot. I hope your son realises you’re doing more than pretty much any GM.

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choli · 04/10/2019 08:26

*@Shippingnews

You sound like an absolutely incredible grandparent to me.
Do your children appreciate the enormous sacrifice you are making?*
I doubt it. Just like the OP thinks a four hour each way drive to provide three days of free childcare is nothing and her parents should be grateful for the opportunity.

Abitmorethanusual · 04/10/2019 08:28

Wolfiefan you’re REALLY heckling the Op, you know.

YANBU, op. Sorry you’ve had a really hard time here, I’m not sure why.

Jesse70 · 04/10/2019 08:33

My MIL says she has the same love for her grandkids as she did for her own kids
We love very far away but every week we facetime so they aren't strangers as we only properly see them once a year

babba2014 · 04/10/2019 08:40

I know a family (okay they are related very closely but don't want to say who) and the kids are well behaved and to be honest the most well behaved kids I know but kids are kids. As soon as their parents are gone, they unwind. So they might be their normal good selves but then comes the mischievous behaviour, then being hyper/naughty/silly and it gets tiring especially with 3+ kids. It's like they know their parents are not around so they can let loose. Don't get me wrong, they are still good as well, they will tidy, help with setting up the dinner table and putting it away but even when I am there with the grandparents I get tired!
Also to add, the parents don't live nearby but the grandparents make a lot of effort with the kids. The parents don't actually do anything for the grandparents though, never take them out, treat them, give them a treat etc. It's very one sided. That said the grandparents have unlimited love but even for them and wish us around it gets overwhelming with the best behaved kids.

finn1020 · 04/10/2019 08:55

Asking grandparents to drive 4 hours to look after three very young children that they don’t see often anyway is WAY too much, given the long drive and the lack of relationship between them. And if you are saying a 5 year, 3 year and 1 year old are telling you they don’t want them back - they hardly know each other, so how can that be surprising as they would have missed you and probably not been happy with anyone else.

I think because this is your daily life you’re also forgetting just how much work little kids are, especially times three, and especially when the GPs aren’t familiar with the kids. All my kids are teens now but I would be absolutely horrified if I had to look after a 1 year and 3 year old in particular for an extended time. The five year old maybe, but the younger ones no thanks.

I don’t think you should have asked them to do this. If you were hoping for a closer relationship this is not the way to do it.

RaininSummer · 04/10/2019 09:05

I would find 3 days in charge of my grandchildren pretty knackering and stressful and would only want to do it in an emergency. My parents lived 4 hours away all through my kid's childhoods yet had a really close relationship with them as we spent time together regularly as they or I would stay for a few days every school holiday and actually do things together.

RaininSummer · 04/10/2019 09:07

Although thinking about more, my parents were not late sixties when mine were toddler age, more fifties.

Original poster

Notwhatyousaid · 04/10/2019 09:23

I have not once said that looking after grandchildren is easy or that grandparents should be grateful for the opportunity. I have said that I wish my parents would show more interest in my children.
I must be hitting a nerve with some grandparents. Some of you are very defensive. Just be kind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notwhatyousaid · 04/10/2019 09:27

Shippingnews what you do for your grandchildren is not camparable to what my parents do for theirs. It is admirable but not really relevant to my OP.

OP posts:

MarshaBradyo · 04/10/2019 09:27

Poetry I understand why you feel sad. Take the childcare out and work on the good parts if you can.

ShippingNews · 04/10/2019 09:31

billy1966 many thanks for your kind words.

I know that my son is grateful for what I do, but doubt that he has any idea of how much his old mum does , lol. He got his children full- time 5 years ago when they were 5 and 9. He rang and asked " can you help me ?" And of course I said yes.

He leaves home at 6 am and gets back at 6 pm - the kids are fine when he leaves and when he gets back, homework done, clean uniforms in the wardrobe, school issues sorted, everything running smoothly . He tells me I'm wonderful , but the kids are very entitled and I get little interest from them .

I guess I've had my moan now !! Yes I do feel a bit " meh" about my DGs but it's just the fact that the whole thing has become a " job" where I put in 100% and get little in return.

Maybe your parents feel a bit used, OP , and that's why they are not showing any love to your children . Best wishes to you .

Original poster

Notwhatyousaid · 04/10/2019 09:34

Your son needs to show gratitude. You should explain that to him. Look after yourself.

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 04/10/2019 09:55

I guess when the first lot were young they were a novelty. The novelty has worn off now and they are now older gps and have less energy. They don't have the same relationship with yours because they don't see them regularly and probably they can't be bothered, or need, to see more kids that require the effort young kids require. The original kids are all older and easier to cope with now.
I guess they just don't have the time or inclination to make the effort for your kids. They have enough in their lives already, which are an easier age.
That's sad but a bit understandable I suppose.

They do actually pass our part of the country every few weeks when they visit my elderly grandmother, but they almost never stop in.

That's the bit that is strange. You'd think they would want to see you, as well as the kids, even if it was just for an hour.

MeggyMeg · 04/10/2019 09:59

I see where you're coming from ShippingNews. it's a hell of an imposition and you're being very kind.

I've been disappointed over the years by my mum's level of involvement with my children. She does help out, but nowhere near as much as I thought she would. It was only when mine got to teens and I began to see the light of the never ending parent drudgery tunnel we all exist in when they're young that I 'got' it. The fact is she has done her child rearing, and unless its little and often, its really not that much fun.

paxillin · 04/10/2019 12:36

I would be sad about this, too, OP. My much-cherished grandmother died a few years ago. She has always been my greatest ally. She always made me feel everything I am is just right, and that I brought her joy. This is one of the great things about grandparent-hood, grandparents do not have to nag and correct.. I hope I will be a grandmother like her one day. Your parents probably miss out more than your children do.

Havealittlecompassion · 04/10/2019 13:17

There are some really harsh comments on here

I'm sorry your parents don't want to be involved more op. You sound like you've tried hard. Some people can get quite selfish as they get older

ConcreteUnderpants · 04/10/2019 17:17

I agree with the previous 2 posters, OP.
I'm sorry they are so 'meh', it must hurt.
But yes, they really are the ones missing out, not your children.

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