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Original poster

I'm not sure my parents like my dc

120 replies

Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 22:29

I live 4 hours away from my parents, who are in their late 60s and have busy lives. I have 3 young children. They have 5 other grandchildren.
I hardly ever see my parents, but if I give them a lot of warning they will come to look after the dc. This week we needed some childcare so I asked them months ago, and they have just left, having looked after the kids for 3 days.
My children have asked that they don't come again. They said my parents shouted at them. I can imagine my parents were tired and felt it was justified, but I just feel so sad. I didn't hear them praise my kids, or do anything nice with them.
My mum made cakes today. I asked her if the kids helped but she said she just wanted them out of the way.
When I came in from work each day the kids were watching tv.
I just want her to say something nice about them. They are not bad kids. Just totally normal. And most normal kids are adorable to their grandparents aren't they?
I just feel sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:02

They see the other grandchildren a few times a week and have them after school one day a week. They often babysit so my sister can go out. Which is fine and normal. I understand it is easier as they are close by.

OP posts:
FeelingUseless100 · 02/10/2019 23:02

My ILS simply can’t be bothered with any of the effort involved in having GCs. They are happy to receive photos and observe the kids with drink in hand.

They get shouty if they are asked to help with even a small thing, with us present. If one of the kids comes down after bedtime, they shout (we do not, and would not).

I have had to accept they are indifferent to the children, and not really interested in being grandparents in anything but name.

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:05

My inlaws are great but also live hours away. They make sure they see the kids every month or so. I didn't expect my parents to put their lives on hold for my dc. Just to show more of an interest. To love them I guess. They say they do but they don't show it.

OP posts:

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FeelingUseless100 · 02/10/2019 23:09

How is your relationship with your parents OP? If there’s a ‘favourite’ or supposedly ‘easy’ sibling, I find that their children tend to be favoured too.

NumberblockNo1 · 02/10/2019 23:10

My parents are like Wolfie - its horrible and I will never be like that!

I physically would struggle with 3 days babysitting but I sure would show an interest and want to bond with grandchildren, spend time with them, get to know them etc.

I'm now livingnin a lwoer income area where families tend to stay loval and I am so envious of the close families+

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:11

I have always had a good relationship with my parents. I don't think there has ever been favourite.

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Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:12

Thinking about it, they have never done 3 days before. Maybe it was just too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:13

However I am often left with this feeling, even after we visit them. Maybe I will keep visits very short in future.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 02/10/2019 23:26

Rather than a personal issue it may be a perspective issue. My 9 year old was annoyed by a toddler today at an after-school event. I explained that he had been harder work as a toddler and that at 9 he could still be hard work for me. My mum likes him, but just for a few hours at a time.

Your parents perspective may be that your DC are hard work as 3 days of DC they see less regularly is probably harder than little-and-often that they have with closer DC.

BackforGood · 02/10/2019 23:31

Wolfiefan is being honest, and realistic. she is letting you see if from another point of view.

How old are your dc @Poetryinaction ?

I'm not anywhere near as old as your parents, but I wouldn't want to do 3 days full on childcare, in someone else's home, tbh. I would do it to help my dd out (as your parents have) but I can see how it would be tiring.

So, to help work on the relationship, why not put something in the diary now, for a few months time, and invite them up when you don't need them to work for you ?.
Or ask them when they are next visiting the area, if they would like to break off the journey with you either overnight, or for a meal. Let them spend time with your dc when they aren't working.

Or, what about arranging to meet up somewhere half way for a few hours - do something nice together - even if it is lunch and a walk somewhere. You can't expect Grandparents and Grandchildren who rarel see each other to have the same relationship as those that live close, but it can still be a special and warm relationship if you nurture it.

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 23:32

Maybe I will keep visits very short in future

Do they actually want visits?

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:50

Yes they want visits. They want to be seen to be doting grandparents. Plus lots of family live in the same town as them so we do visit frequently and would have to make an effort not to.
All good ideas Backforgood, most of which I have tried. They are often too busy to make plans, but I will try again.

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Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:51

My dc are 5, 3 and 1.

OP posts:
HuloBeraal · 02/10/2019 23:53

How old are your children? My parents were fine when they were tiny babies but then struggled when they were between 12 months and 3 years. After 4/5 when they are more sensible and much easier my parents found it easier again.

HuloBeraal · 02/10/2019 23:55

Woah. They looked after 3 kids under 5 for 3 days. I wouldn’t bake with mine at that age, especially three of them. My parents really struggled for instance to change nappies when they were wriggly toddlers. And didn’t understand their speech enough and found it totally frustrating. And I had pretty well behaved toddlers with minimum tantrums.

Original poster
Notwhatyousaid · 02/10/2019 23:58

The older 2 were at school/ preschool until 3pm each day and I got home at 4.30pm. They were dropped off in the morning by my dh. So it was mostly just the one year old they were (both) in charge of during the day.

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raspberryk · 03/10/2019 00:01

At those ages I'm really not surprised, my in laws wouldn't have my 2 together atv the same time til the youngest was well over 3 and they're easy kids. Neither set of grandparents has done more than 1 night of childcare, maybe 2 at a push and they live less than half an hour away. I alway have to organise get togethers it took months to get 1 day out booked in the diary

PickedByYou · 03/10/2019 00:14

I think 3 days of watching the kids was a big ask and that your parents were very kind to come all that way to do it.

5,3 and a baby is a lot of work.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Little kids are a bit boring unless they are your own. Maybe they will become closer as they get older. I think it's telling that you wanted your mum to involve the kids when she was making a cake. Having the three of them involved could be chaotic .. she probably thought she was being nice making you all a cake but you saw it as a negative.

Also, if the two elder kids have been at school and preschool all day then its pretty normal for them to relax in front of the TV for a bit.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
I don't know what else you expect them to do.

pumkinspicetime · 03/10/2019 00:44

It might get better as dc get older, MIL was hopeless when dc were younger.
Now age 11 they are off to spend half term with her.
We live in another country but they have regular phone contact.
My parents are both useless for different reasons so dc don't have a meaningful relationship with them really.

managedmis · 03/10/2019 02:00

Thinking about it, they have never done 3 days before. Maybe it was just too much.

^^

With a 5, 3 and 1 year old?

Yes, it's too much. You're expecting far too much. They're late 60's!

EKGEMS · 03/10/2019 02:07

Are any of you reading her updates? The grandparents did a lot of yelling and the kids asked not to be watched by them again-this is very troubling and not normal. So they're in their 60s and active-hardly one foot in the grave! OP if I were you I'd speak to both of them alone and broach the fact the kids specifically reported being yelled at a lot. That's awful. Protect them from their crabby grandparents

Aprillygirl · 03/10/2019 02:43

Did you ask your kids why your parents shouted at them? I’m guessing it wasn’t for no reason at all. I think a four hour trek to look after 3 kids under 5 for 3 days is a pretty big ask for a couple approaching 70 actually,and it’s not surprisingly that they get a bit stressed, especially as you’re the type who looks down on them for not entertaining the kids 24/7.

minesagin37 · 03/10/2019 02:58

My MIL has always had a fab relationship with our DDs but the most they have ever stayed is one day and a night. I would feel as though 3 days was excessive. They are in their 60s and kids are full on. Why don't you ask them how they felt? Ask- was it too long? Is there anything that would have made it easier?

ShippingNews · 03/10/2019 03:02

Pretty judgemental to complain about them watching TV . It's a long day with kids that young.

choli · 03/10/2019 03:30

Protect them from their crabby grandparents
That won't be difficult. All she has to do is stop asking them to drive 4 hours each way to provide her with 3 days of free childcare.