I'm not sure my parents like my dc

[Notwhatyousaid]

I live 4 hours away from my parents, who are in their late 60s and have busy lives. I have 3 young children. They have 5 other grandchildren.
I hardly ever see my parents, but if I give them a lot of warning they will come to look after the dc. This week we needed some childcare so I asked them months ago, and they have just left, having looked after the kids for 3 days.
My children have asked that they don't come again. They said my parents shouted at them. I can imagine my parents were tired and felt it was justified, but I just feel so sad. I didn't hear them praise my kids, or do anything nice with them.
My mum made cakes today. I asked her if the kids helped but she said she just wanted them out of the way.
When I came in from work each day the kids were watching tv.
I just want her to say something nice about them. They are not bad kids. Just totally normal. And most normal kids are adorable to their grandparents aren't they?
I just feel sad.

DM is older and mildly indifferent to my DCs. She's in constant pain with arthritis and other ailments which probably does drain her patience levels, she can't drive herself to me, so I have to go to her, but isn't very inviting or encouraging when I suggest visits.

She finds my 6yo easier because he has a sunny disposition, but struggles with my 8yo who has sensory issues and can melt down. Unfortunately visits to her do trigger meltdown as her house is a hoard, so we end up going out into pubs which overwhelm him. It is a wedge in our relationship which was previously good. Given that she raised a child with severe SNs, it makes it more poignant that she's intolerant over my child with milder needs that affect his ability to cope with the world.

I've never expected babysitting due to age/ distance/ transport, and there's been about 3 occasions that something has fallen for a few hours in my hometown, one being my grandparent's funeral. There's no disappointment there because my expectations were realistic.

Her stubborn refusal to adapt to technology is a further barrier. I don't even have her mobile number as it is permanently off. She never bothered to learn features like SMS. Her phone can't do apps like What's App to share photos. There was technology in the house when she was young enough to adapt but chose not to engage.

It's frustrating when she's talking about her friends' wonderful grandchildren, and is less interested in her own.

My DC's other GM is in a different country and we see her for a few days once a year. Their relationship is emotionally closer because she is more interested.

Its quite understandable that you're sad about this OP.

If they were having the older kids overnight I can understand why this is so hurtful. Maybe this was an 8 yo and a 6 yo for example, who they knew well and only had them because they were easy to cope with. Perhaps your parents are also working on the principal that you moved away therefore it is for you to visit and now retired they want to enjoy their life while they still can.

It is sad for you and your children that they aren’t choosing to have a closer relationship with you all. Looking at things from their POV, they possibly consider they devote enough of their time to gcs and aren’t looking at it from a fairness perspective but rather as number of hours focusing on themselves and others. People don’t normally specifically do things to upset you. They’re usually just bloody thoughtless.

You can love someone without liking them. Maybe that’s the case here?

They used to have the older two kids in that set overnight at theirs twice a week at one point, when they were 2 and 1.

^^
Fair point, but that's ten years ago.

The kids said that they didn't understand what they'd done wrong but said sorry anyway as gps thought they had done something wrong.

Well the kids aren't going to tell you what what they did wrong are they lol.

Mine would 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Wolfiefan my parents are exactly like you and I don't begrudge them for it. They're my children, one who's a handful to say the least. They never ever offer to babysit, they do not have them during the school holidays to help reduce costs. And I have to give 3 months notice if I need them to have the girls overnight. My partner and I have never left the girls for more than one night. And I'm fine with that, I totally understand where they're coming from...and they only live 20mins away and rarely visit.

I guess some grandparents want to be involved and some want to keep a distance. As a pp said, their loss.

A phone call regularly the the OPs children is too much to ask at all.

I agree that they don't make much effort and its a massive shame for all involved.

OP, I can appreciate the sadness of your post and I can read that you are taking it personally.

What I have realised through getting older myself is...

I have teenagers but am so over young children. I have absolutely no interest beyond a 10 second smile and "isn't he/she cute".

Young children can be really exhausting as you get older.

Neighbours with grandchildren have told me that although they adore them, they have to leave their homes to get a break and a rest from their children constantly calling on them!

That even though you might love them, long visits are tiring.

It's much harder for grandparents to keep children safe than it is for parents. Parents can almost have a second sense with safety, grandparents can find that harder.

Mentally grandparents can find all the chatter exhausting, even though they love them.

If your parents already have a lot of contact with their other grandchildren, maybe they have had enough of it.

I know my darling SIL loves the bones of her grandchildren but she finds the constant daily visiting of them with her daughter's utterly exhausting. She wishes she could have a couple of days a week where they didn't visit and use her home as central station. She adores her daughter's but won't say anything.

It's really unfortunate that they weren't patient with your children but instead of thinking they don't like them, maybe accept they just aren't able for them.

Wishing you the best💐

I wouldn't want to look after three kids of those ages for three hours! Jesus. I can barely look after my one and I'm much younger than your parents.

Baking cakes with children of that age after looking after them for three days sounds like hell on earth to me. I'm not surprised they kept them out of it.

3 days looking after 3 young children...yeah, I'd want them out the way too!

It is tiring as a GP but it isn't just that you are older, it's that you haven't had the child since birth and you cannot easily predict their behaviour, or misbehaviour as you don't know them as well.
So might they throw things out the window - well most unlikely my DCs would have climbed on the windows but I don't know if my DGCs might climb up there. Bed time, Well it was one story each then lights out for mine, instead it is 3 stories each and they are still bouncing off the walls with the DGPs (they are probably good for their DPs but excited that DGPs are in charge).
I suppose it's like looking after someone else's child, not as easy as your own.

This is all sounding quite depressing. I think the hardest part for me is seeing the difference between my parents and my inlaws. My inlaws have the same number of kids and grandkids as my parents, and also do not live near. But they make an effort to visit, ask questions, do fun stuff with them etc. They are older so I try not to ask them to look after the kids, but they always offer.

Poetry you may have said but what are they like when you take childcare out of the equation? Do they interact etc with them

I think each grandparent is different. How my parents are is how I wouldn't want to be when I have grandchildren, I'd want to be more hands on...but who knows if that will change. What if I have a chronic illness? Or what if I come into money and want to travel and see the world in my retirement? My view might change as I get older. When my parents do see my kids, it's nothing but love and fun times. But I just accept that they don't want it as often as I'd like them to, because they have their own lives to lead.

Marsha they do interact, but they also criticise a lot. They enjoy going to the park etc.

My mum liked pictures of her grandchildren, not the reality, she hated the noise

Can’t wait for you to be a grandparent. Please post on here and update us on your thoughts then. 😂

Seriously. 3days is a heck of a long time for older people. It’s Gods way of telling your mum n dad not to have any more. 😊

My mum lives 3 hours away. She stays over about once a month. And she almost pushes to babysit (I have separation anxiety) so that hubby and I can have a date. She has her own business and is very busy but prioritises the time. She even puts her 2 dogs in daycare to stay over. So I would say it is possible but they are not prioritising it unfortunately. I'm not sure what else you can do besides talking to them about it. Maybe you could say you are making your children a photo frame with quotes from family about their favourite things about them. And ask them what their favourite thing is about your children. This could be a way to start the conversation!

I completely get how you're feeling OP, and can understand your sadness. It is sad.
Acceptance is key here. Unfortunate, but true. They are limited in their capacity to give (and by that I don't just mean childcare, but love and praise etc). They are at a stage in their lives where they want to be off doing other things.
I feel for you I do, as it's pretty disappointing

Grandparents are just people like anyone else . They don't automatically have strong feelings for their grandchildren .

I've got four - two each from my two children . For my daughters kids, I'd walk over hot coals to see them , I love them so much. They live 1,000 km away but I fly or drive there at least once a month .

My sons kids are nice kids, and I see them every day , but my feelings are a bit "meh". I just can't make my feelings any different.

I wish I had an answer for you. Maybe a good talk to your parents - tell them how you feel. It can't hurt .

You could be me, OP, except I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents for childcare as they are further along the “not interested” boat. My in-laws actually live further away than my parents but are much closer emotionally to my children because they Skype them weekly (and talk to them, not us), get involved when they’re down, etc. Hell, my surviving grandparent (in their 90s) makes more effort with my children than my parents do.

My parents, if they visit (and we do have a spare room), bring their caravan and park it on our drive so they “have their own space”. They will come in the house for 15 minutes before going out for the day (without the children). They will say things like “oh you do have your hands full” (whilst juggling bedtime for three, or cooking a meal with a crying baby in my arms) but spectate rather than offer to help.

My eldest is 7 now and for the past two years has noticed the difference between both sets of grandparents.

My sibling is childless but lives overseas. My parents caravan out near them each year and definitely see more of them than they do of us.

I put my emotional walls up high, and knock my expectations down low. Most of the time this is Just About Enough.

Shippingnews that is so hurtful. I hope you never show your son that you feel 'a bit meh' towards his kids. Of course you can change your feelings. You have to invest in kids.