I'm not sure my parents like my dc

[Notwhatyousaid]

I live 4 hours away from my parents, who are in their late 60s and have busy lives. I have 3 young children. They have 5 other grandchildren.
I hardly ever see my parents, but if I give them a lot of warning they will come to look after the dc. This week we needed some childcare so I asked them months ago, and they have just left, having looked after the kids for 3 days.
My children have asked that they don't come again. They said my parents shouted at them. I can imagine my parents were tired and felt it was justified, but I just feel so sad. I didn't hear them praise my kids, or do anything nice with them.
My mum made cakes today. I asked her if the kids helped but she said she just wanted them out of the way.
When I came in from work each day the kids were watching tv.
I just want her to say something nice about them. They are not bad kids. Just totally normal. And most normal kids are adorable to their grandparents aren't they?
I just feel sad.

They had to watch the one year old all day, not all three. Admittedly, that would be tiring, but it's not like they had all 3 all day. The older two were just an hour and a half. I think that the OP is really complaining about the lack of interest/closeness more than anything. Turning down repeated invitations (even when the GP were already driving through the area on a frequent basis) would be hurtful. It sounds like brother's kids wouldn't be visited either if they didn't live conveniently close. I think that your parents are somewhat interested in your children, but not enough to make a huge effort. It might be different if they were older and more self sufficient (the kids, not the parents). At any rate, no more requests for babysitting, I think.

It was a huge grief to my mother that she wasn't close to any of her grandchildren (they all lived over 1500 miles away). Rare visits do not a relationship make, sadly.

The distance is a problem. We live a 3 hour flight away from both my parents and DHs. We see them 2-3 times a year. Inevitably DHs parents have a closer relationship with his sisters dc who live 10 minutes from them, who they pick up from school and look after till she’s back from work.

It is what it is. We spend a lot of our holidays and a lot of money going back “home” to facilitate the grandparent/ child relationship because it’s important to all of us, including the grandparents, if they were a bit meh about it, I don’t know if I’d bother.

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable but I do think you are being a bit unrealistic. Your kids are very young and parents tend to not notice ( for sanity's sake I'm sure) the noise, busyness and mess etc because they're just getting on with it and have to deal with it day to day. When it isn't your daily life you can forget how to handle it and how consuming it is.

The shouting thing is probably some where down the middle, kids being tired after school playing up/ showing off for grandparents and them being tired/ not know them as well. That's no ones fault its just how it goes when there is distance, I'm sure they've had to shout at the other grandkids. Give them time, some don't people don't do well with certain age groups either.

I would say if they are doing that amount of babysitting for other DC and have busy lives this is quite a big ask.
The prob is they live near and know well their other DGCs, so childminding is easier. And it could be that they have a bit of resentment there anyway. To stay over for 3days is a big ask.im a DGM , and because I'm not always there just getting them out the door for school is a big stress.
I can see that you are just evening up the childcare in your eyes but they re time is unfortunately already booked up.
I would do my utmost to be fair, unfortunately they won't.

I love my grandchildren and regularly look after them for a day/most of a weekend so their parents can have some time to themselves. But it’s really tiring. Additionally, they seem to require far more attention, entertainment and planned activities than my children did when young, so it’s pretty full on. I’m in my mid 60s, fit and healthy, and I know that three days with three kids would be very difficult for me, especially at the ages the OP’s are. If a better relationship is required, perhaps not basing it round childcare is the way to go.

I have read all the comments about 3 days being too much, although it was only with the little one for most of the time.
However, I have said that I have tried asking them to come to visit us with no expectation of childcare but they almost always say no.
They do have busy social lives, and they do see other gdc a lot. I appreciate all of that. The thing that bothers me is that they don't seem to want to get to know my dc better.

You sound really sad about the situation op. It's easier when you live close by and you can pop in and out. I totally get why this makes you unhappy.

I think the 3 days babysitting, whilst exhausting, wasn't an unreasonable request as they live so far away. They could have made an effort. If they didn't want to do it, they could've said no. I would have to discuss this with them, in a non combative way, and let them know how you feel.

You got you retired parents to look after 3 young kids for 3 days. That’s a big ask and I’m not surprised they got shouty. Massive difference between having school aged kids once a week for a couple of hours. You are very naive to expect this and to expect to have the energy you have now by the time you are almost 70. They sound completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

As for wanting them to be close to your children, I imagine they find your children whirlwinds. My friend is in his early 80’s, his wife in her early 70’s. His grandkids are a few years older than yours. He and his wife definitely find them lovely but hard even though they’re not looking after them.

Your parents have a closer relationship with your siblings kids because a) if I understand this correctly, there aren’t 3 of them, b) they were younger when the children were young and c) live closer so seeing them in small doses is possible. You’re comparing chalk and cheese and getting upset when the circumstances are very different.

I'm not comparing anything.

I want my parents to be interested in my children.

It sounds like a really tiring experience for your parents. Maybe you can encourage skype calls to stay in touch until the dc are older.

Yanbu op. I find the attitude to grandparents really bizarre on here. You're simply expecting them to show an interest which isn't a big expectation surely? My parents have a large number of grandchildren and are thoroughly enjoying retired life, travelling, socialising and my mum is doing so much reading she's set up her own library. They still manage to keep in touch with and show a genuine interest in all of their grandchildren. I would be very sad if they didn't. I've lived 4 hours away from them before now and they still managed it then - indeed they made a deliberate effort as their other grandchildren lived round the corner and they didn't want mine left out.

In your posts, you are comparing how close your parents are with your n&ns and how much they see them, this was my point. I understand you want them to have a relationship with your kids. But your parents are prioritising their busy schedule rather than visiting you and you can’t make them change this. They can fit the once a week childcare around their schedule, which isn’t possible with yours due to distance.

Your way of going about wanting them to have a relationship with your children is actually ensuring that they don’t. Your children don’t want them to come again and your parents probably don’t want to either. So I think the meeting half way day trips is the way to go as your children need to rebuild trust in them.

Half way meet ups sounds like a good idea, mentioned by two pp, thank you. I wasn't comparing. I only mentioned the other gdc as pp had asked about them.

We're your parents staying with you for the 3 days, or were they in a hotel?

Staying with us.

3 days childcare is too much for them. The rest though is hard.

I think you either have to tell them you want them to know the kids more, and ask them to please prioritise dropping in when they are in the area, or you have to live with things as they are for now.

Are the other GCs older? And/or are there fewer of them? It may be when your kids are older, less demanding and can do more for themselves, your parents start to take an interest.

I had three under five, and my MIL in particular totally turned her nose up. Couldn’t bear the nappies, noise, tantrums. She is marginally more interested now, however I think that in comfortable retirement where everything is on their terms, my ILS honestly aren’t that interested. It’s all too much like hard work compared to their otherwise leisurely life!

The other grandchildren are 12, 10, 9, 7 and 6. Sibsets of 3 and 2. The group of 3 live near to them. They have always been very involved with those. They used to have the older two kids in that set overnight at theirs twice a week at one point, when they were 2 and 1. The other grandchildren live even further away and it is a similar relationship to mine.

I guess it’s almost ten years since they were last dealing with a 1 and 2 year old intensely. Maybe they are feeling older, more tired, less patient, and more ready to be free of childcare and the faff of little kids. I know it’s painful OP, I really resent my ILs indifference. Hopefully it’ll improve as your kids get older and are less ‘effort’ for the GPs.

My parents are closer to the grandchildren they live near. And because they live close it is easy for them to see them in small casual doses. Much less fraught.

I see it as just one of those things, though I have felt sad for both my kids and my parents.

It's probably also to do with getting a bit older and a bit less tolerant of a child that you don't know as well - and also expecting young children to happily get on with people that they don't know very well is a big ask too. Small children forget who people are very quickly and they don't have that easy familiarity you get from being nearby.

My daughter didn't know my In Laws as well as she knew my parents when she was little. My parents saw her a lot because they lived nearby. In laws lived 90 minutes away and were still working so weren't available so much. When we visited in laws had to build that relationship up with a child who probably didn't really remember who they were because it was months since she'd last seen them. They didn't know here quirks, etc.

Meeting halfway is a good suggestion. Also if they have skype you could try using that as well.

This would make me sad too!

I feel for you OP. Its hard when you feel your own parents aren't interested. But it's also not helped by the distance and 3 days of childcare. Your parents see your niece/nephew little and often which I think is the key. Also, I don't know how many nieces and nephews you have. My sister has 3 and I have 2 , and I know my parents find looking after 3 much harder. I really notice it when I look after than as well!

I think there's two issues here. I agree with most of the pps that looking after even 1 child for 3 days is hard work, especially when they're not yours and you're not used to it. My mum has had my two once overnight (10am one day to 10am the next) and admitted it was too much for her and she's very active. When they're a bit older I expect it will be easier but young children need a lot of attention. I cannot imagine asking them to take care of mine for 3 days.

But regarding interest no yanbu. My mil is nowhere near as interested in our dc as her other dg who she sees very regularly. They take them on holiday and regular nights. We live further away and rarely see them, and I'll admit it's a bit tit for tat. They showed little interest in coming unless it suited them (while visiting other people nearby) or gave us ridiculous dates that we couldn't do, so we made less effort in going to visit them. However, our dc love them so we are making more of an effort now.

It's sad that your dc have said they don't want your parents to stay again. Have you questioned it further?

Thanks for all the replies. I guess the distance just makes it harder. I won't ask them to ever do 3 days again and never have before. We don't have any other childcare options at the moment but that is a separate issue! The kids said that they didn't understand what they'd done wrong but said sorry anyway as gps thought they had done something wrong. I think that it's hard when the kids and adults don't know the normal patterns and expectations from both sides.