If DD says one more word to me i'm going to have a nervous breakdown

[Holdingmynerve]

I have 4 DC by two different men. The first 3 have a fabulous relationship with their father and see him quite a bit. DC4 doesn't see her father at all. She's either at school or with me 24/7.

I work full time and get absolutely no time to myself at all. I don't mean a whole day or an afternoon, I mean even 30 mins to breathe.

Weekends I have to spend cleaning, running errands, food shopping and all the other shit I can't do in the week because i'm at work. She will not leave me alone for even 30 seconds. Every room I go in she follows me. Every time I sit down she is on my lap. If I impose 20 min quiet time in the same room she either sits directly on me or spends the whole time saying can we talk now, can we talk now, can we talk now.

It is relentless. All I want is some one to make me a cup of tea and let me watch a 30 min junk tv programme without DD all over me.

Her grandparents are useless and maybe see her 3 times a year. I don't even enjoy the time when the other DC aren't here because she just spends the whole time asking when they are coming back.

We've been out to the park today and she spent the whole time shouting look at me look at me look at me. We spend 2 nights a week together in the week when the others aren't here and she gets so so so much attention. We are extremely close because we have our own little relationship together but it is suffocating at times.

Any hints or tips PLEASE

Crosspoated. Bloody good start, OP, be consistent, I know it’s knackering, but that’s a very positive start.

I wouldn't necessarily expect this to end @Holdingmynerve .

I have a 14 year old DD who could talk the hind leg off a donkey , and she certainly doesn't have ADHD/ Attachment issues or anything else mental health related.

She just loves talking and spending time with people she loves.

Far from advising the opposite , My HV actually used to tell me to stick her in front of the TV regardless of whether it was quality!!

I disagree that she is showing signs of an attachment disorder. That is the equivalent of labelling someone who is feeling sad, with clinical depression.
She does have a number of challenges such as starting school and an uninterested dad. But she also has been over indulged.

Children do need love, care and attention. But they also need to be taught boundaries. Part of being taught boundaries is learning that others matter too.
So like lots of others I would work towards ending co sleeping. She needs to learn some independence and you need to have some time away from her.
I would also start doing a few activities with her that needs minimal input from you.
I think remembering that you have over indulged her will help you implement this. I do think this extreme closeness is doing her no favours either.

Op I sympathise it sounds draining and stressful. From the sounds of things your DD has attachment issues and is a bit insecure could be that she's picked up on the fact your elder children go to their dad and she only has you? hence the constant need for your attention.

I'd start out slowly putting boundaries down start small, i.e. if she's in your personal space be firm and say "no DD you can sit next to me but not on my lap mummy needs some space to move" and show her whats appropriate spacial awareness at 4 years old she should pick it up.

If you're cooking dinner then before hand have her pick out an activity to do, toys or a film or maybe something on an iPad etc. Set it up and when you go to start dinner and she follows take her by the hand back into the living room or her room and say firmly "no mummy is busy doing dinner so you need to stay here and play" get a timer so she knows once it sounds time is up. If she keeps following keep taking her back, yeah its long and it probably seems easier in your exhausted state to just give in but that's just making it worse in the long run.

Bedtime, give her a bath let her play and once she's out its quiet time. She need's to be in her own bed so either in your room or her sisters whatever works. Then when its bed time as hard as this sounds but it works in the long run put her to bed read a book and say goodnight whatever your routine is. If she gets out and comes downstairs take her by the hand and put her back don't engage don't lose your cool just calmly but firmly say to her "it's bed time now" and put her back she'll eventually learn and start respecting the boundaries you're putting down, perseverance is the most important thing rinse and repeat it all. Maybe you could get your older children to also do this with her so she's not only learning appropriate boundaries from mum but siblings too that way you're all on the same page.

Also OP try the reward system like a sticker chart every time she earns say 10 stickers in a week for listening and good behaviour then she gets a reward for it at the end of the week. Good luck OP hope this helps

Have a read about circle of security.
It really sounds like she is struggling. It could be that her siblings have a different father. That they have a different routine as in going away to dads. Not seeing her dad.
It would be worth reading up on it.

I don’t think this is necessarily insecure behaviour. My DD was very intense as a baby and young child, constantly in my space with continual questions. I remember using phrases like “She wants more of me than there is of me” and “ It’s like she wants to be inside my experience with me”.
She would want to stand between me and the chopping board as I made a sandwich for instance.

It drove me crazy, and I wasn’t even on my own with her.
She was always confident at school ,she just found life as a small child really limiting. She wanted the freedom and sovereignty of an adult.
She is a teen now and every week does
Cadets
4 martial arts classes
Drama school all Saturday morning
Scouts( explorers)
Swimming
As well as all the usual stuff that pops up.

But if I’d come on here and described her behaviour at 6, everyone would have said it was attachment, and she was insecure.

I used to ban questions when I was driving, cooking, watching tv.
I agree with pps, sort out bedtimes.

Op, look into Hand in Hand Parenting, it’s a radically different approach that you’re dd might really respond to , and it might give you some space.

Really hope you get this sorted op, and get some space soon.

@Ohyesiam

That resonates with me and DD1 and also DD4. DD1 didn't ever really play with toys and only started watching TV at 2. She wanted to be doing what we were doing, conversing with us, learning stuff. She was an incredibly early talker in long fluent sentences...

Neither of them need their own space and pack their lives full of stuff...

Youngest was easier as I had 3 very close in age so they helped keep her occupied then if they weren't around DH and I would be like 😳 as it was like having a DD1 (she was an only until 6).

Definitely personality not attachment issues...

RandomMess , yes those long early sentences! She learned to talk early because her drive to connect was so strong.