If DD says one more word to me i'm going to have a nervous breakdown

[Holdingmynerve]

I have 4 DC by two different men. The first 3 have a fabulous relationship with their father and see him quite a bit. DC4 doesn't see her father at all. She's either at school or with me 24/7.

I work full time and get absolutely no time to myself at all. I don't mean a whole day or an afternoon, I mean even 30 mins to breathe.

Weekends I have to spend cleaning, running errands, food shopping and all the other shit I can't do in the week because i'm at work. She will not leave me alone for even 30 seconds. Every room I go in she follows me. Every time I sit down she is on my lap. If I impose 20 min quiet time in the same room she either sits directly on me or spends the whole time saying can we talk now, can we talk now, can we talk now.

It is relentless. All I want is some one to make me a cup of tea and let me watch a 30 min junk tv programme without DD all over me.

Her grandparents are useless and maybe see her 3 times a year. I don't even enjoy the time when the other DC aren't here because she just spends the whole time asking when they are coming back.

We've been out to the park today and she spent the whole time shouting look at me look at me look at me. We spend 2 nights a week together in the week when the others aren't here and she gets so so so much attention. We are extremely close because we have our own little relationship together but it is suffocating at times.

Any hints or tips PLEASE

I know exactly what you mean, my DD8 has attachment issues and literally needs me every minute I’m there - even with my DH pulling his weight I get to screaming point so I imagine you must feel like going crazy.

I wouldn’t necessarily move her out of your bed tbh, but I’d set her bedtime much earlier and teach her to go to sleep on her own. Once she has a good sleep routine established I’d move her out but one change at a time and early, separate bedtime is a good place to start because she’ll be more able to manage her emotions if she’s well rested.

I’m also not above using tv if I need half an hour for a cup of tea, put her favourite movie on and hide in another room. My DD also loves being in the bath, I sit on the stairs outside with a book listening to her, I can literally get to her in seconds so she’s as safe as can be, but I’m physically elsewhere.

I’ve also played a hide and seek game where I hide toys around the house and she gets a point for every toy she can find without my help. If she speaks to me, it counts as help. If she gets 10 points we go out for a milkshake or some such. Buys me just enough time to breathe some days...

Earphones. Big, clunky ones that you can listen remotely to music or audiobooks on. Then tell your D.D. that you are doing your chores and can't hear her.

Every time she talks, point to the earphones and say 'I can't hear you'
Eventually you can just fake listening to stuff, and just use the a prop.

Ok on the back of this thread i'm trying something new tonight. DD is ready for bed and i've told her we will go up, read her books and then mummy is coming downstairs to do chores but I will come up and sleep with her when she is asleep.

Not sure how this is going to go but I'll keep you all updated.

I wasn't aware until I wrote this thread how much we all, not just me, may have overcompensated for DD's dad not seeing her anymore. My other 3 are older and we all coddle her. She loves it when they go to their dads house 'mummy and DD' time. She asks me all the time if its 'mummy and DD' time that day (in other words will they be at their dads).

I've not had a reason to move her out of my bed since I don't have a partner so i've just let it go by the wayside. All of my DC co-slept until they were 2.5-3 and all went into their beds seamlessly.

I've always put them to bed later than other children because I didn't want them up at 5.30-6am and even now they don't wake up until later.

Thank you all for your replies

SoyDora not all kids have siestas, obviously some do. I used to go to bed at 12 and up at 7 (at 7)- my poor mum.

Honestly, I'd put her to bed with an audiobook even if she doesn't actually sleep

Playing “the quietest” game kept me sane many a day. But then DS is extremely competitive.

DD is like this. She obsesses about me sometimes and has to be touching me, close to me or on me. Some days I cope but others it takes all my willpower not to physically remove her.

Rightly or wrongly I am just straight with her and say "Sorry, Mummy's getting all grumpy, can you give me some space please?"

I do think in the uk we’re used to chronically over tired children. I was told my DS aged 4 at the time didn’t need a lot of sleep by foster cares (my DC are adopted), that they couldn’t get him to bed before 10.30pm and even that was a fight. They said he was just a child who didn’t need much sleep.

Within 2 months of him moving in he was in bed and asleep by 7.00pm, towards the end of the week at nursery was struggling to stay away by 6.30pm and would routinely sleep through til 7. Even now aged 6 he’ll usually be in bed and sleeping by 8/8.30. His careers simply hadn’t taught him how to settle down and fall asleep.

I’m always a bit questioning of the idea that young children can do fine on 7/8/9 hours sleep mainly because I see the tired, over stimulated, strung out results in the kids I work with. Good sleep habits are, I think, one of the best things we can give our children in terms of health and wellbeing.

Has she got worse since starting reception? School can be extremely tiring and kids can become extra clingy when they come home.

Bless her, she's not being naughty she just loves her mum! Please don't give her time out or punish her, she's behaving like this because she needs you at the moment. Work on the bedtime thing though, even if she just goes to bed first before you.

Sounds so stressful, but she also sounds very adorable

I do think in the uk we’re used to chronically over tired children

I agree with this. I have a few friends who struggle massively with their children’s behaviour, and who also say ‘oh he/she doesn’t need much sleep, never has done’. It’s obvious from the outside that the child is chronically sleep deprived. These same friends think I’m overly strict/regimented with my children’s routine (they sleep 7-7).

Wow OP it all sounds like hard work but it seems to me that you’re doing fantastically. You must be exhausted, especially considering the nature of your job.

I had / have a Velcro / high needs child. He’s 6 now and so much better but it really was hard going for a long time. I know she’s very young but has she shown any special interest in anything yet (other than you? ) My youngest got heavily into football just before he started school and it was my saving grace. He’d watch reruns of MOTD then go and practice his “skills” in the back garden. It was bloody ace!

He can still be a bit needy but far far less than he was. My back is still fucked from the amount of time he spent in a sling, mind .

Best of luck OP and don’t beat yourself up, you sound awesome.

Good luck with the new routine OP, it might take a few days (or longer) but stick with with it.

Give her the quality time that she is craving. Give her an allotted time of full attention and it would do wonders!

I know she’s very young but has she shown any special interest in anything yet (other than you? grin) My youngest got heavily into football just before he started school and it was my saving grace. He’d watch reruns of MOTD then go and practice his “skills” in the back garden. It was bloody ace!
Actually, this. My DD loves loves her trampoline- so she’d go and jump and I’d sit on the garden bench nodding at her wonderful jumping. Minimum interaction for a while.

I know it’s not about quality time, it’s about being very needed all the time, quality of interaction makes no difference whatsoever they just need you near. So in addition to giving full attention/quality time finding ways to meet her need while not going crazy is very important.

She has allotted time of full attention. On a tuesday we swim and then have dinner out together (our treat night), no phones at the table or anything like that.

She is in my bed now....she went in ok, sobbed when I left the room, got up twice but I put her back. Typically its now the older ones being a sod and refusing to be quiet

I do think in the uk we’re used to chronically over tired children

I have never found any other culture were kids are sent to bed as early as in the UK. I do agree, however, that children benefit highly from having regular routines.

I think you might need some professional help with her OP, she's way too fixated on you to the point where it's not normal behavior. My 7 year old never did this, and my 3 year old isn't showing any signs. Their dad buggered of a year ago and doesn't care.

I'm not qualified to advise, but it would make me crack. If either of my boys (3 and 7) started doing this and I didn't even get my effing bed to myself, my god, I'd lose it. I need that me time to function, breath and keep everything afloat for us. I don't friends, I don't have help, I don't have a job (because I can't afford the extra childcare, clubs, especially all the holidays!) I would LOVE a job. I'm in such a rut and this is all I have for me.

I was a very difficult child (adhd and attachment issues - but not to them! before it was as well known) and my parents got a lot of help and advice from various health professionals. Maybe something worth considering as they may have some good advise? xx

Well done OP. Now the nights are getting darker earlier (assuming you are in the UK) it’s the perfect time to bring her bedtime earlier.

Within a few weeks you could have her in bed by 7 every night - make sure you also do this on the days her siblings are with their dad.

Regarding clubs - Pauline Quirk Academy have a poppets class - they go for three hours on Saturday morning (DH and I send our DDs there so we could have some time together).

When was she 4? She sounds like a lovely chatty little thing! (Im in the same boat)

I really have to bite my tongue, I know it wont last forever & we will do anything to have this time back.

What helps me is to think that their father may have gone & left them ( my DDs did) so I have to do double the input, and she will not miss out on quality time with me because his doing has absolutely exhausted me.

I probably dont make sense, but what I mean is, I musn't make my DD feel like a burden because her father left me in the crap.

I know how hard it is, I honestly do.
I cry, I laugh, I almost give up until I look at her beautiful face and I think this is HER childhood, this second.
She didnt ask for this.

Believe me though, sometimes.I could scream.

You’re being a bit too accommodating of her needs and forgetting your own.

It sounds as though she gets plenty of your time and attention, that shouldn’t mean she gets to have all of it.

If she insists on sitting on your lap, say no and lift her off. Keep doing it for as long as you need to. The sobbing when you leave her in bed is nonsense. It will take a while for these habits to be broken but you have to want to do it, and persist.

I haven’t read the the replies so maybe this has been said but would the other children’s father have her for a few hours?
If you explained that having no time is causing problems for your mental health - as his children’s mum he should help you to be mentally well?

Nows the time to build your network and start reciprocal playdates.
You take child xx on Saturday. Next week they take yours. Or after school once a week.

Or use childminder or babysitter regularly..have them pick her up from school once a week till 6 or 7

Your ex father of other dc has no responsibility towards her!

I've told her no and to stay in the living room. She's now just stood in the kitchen door asking me questions about every little thing i'm doing ffs

So take her back to the other room, tell her to stay there, repeat as necessary. It’ll take a while, but it will work eventually.

And when she comes to get you (she will), she just gets taken back to bed every time, no fuss, no engagement, just 'It's time for bed now, go to sleep). It won't happen overnight, but it won't take too long either. And then, every night from 8pm you will be free of her clinginess, even if the other kids are still up for a while.

And again, yes, this will take a while, but you sound like you really need to do this for her sake as well as yours. She needs to become more independent and allow you some time to breathe.

I have nearly 4 year old who doesn’t stop talking, sitting on, needing or following. On Friday night she put her fingers under the toilet door.