If DD says one more word to me i'm going to have a nervous breakdown

[Holdingmynerve]

I have 4 DC by two different men. The first 3 have a fabulous relationship with their father and see him quite a bit. DC4 doesn't see her father at all. She's either at school or with me 24/7.

I work full time and get absolutely no time to myself at all. I don't mean a whole day or an afternoon, I mean even 30 mins to breathe.

Weekends I have to spend cleaning, running errands, food shopping and all the other shit I can't do in the week because i'm at work. She will not leave me alone for even 30 seconds. Every room I go in she follows me. Every time I sit down she is on my lap. If I impose 20 min quiet time in the same room she either sits directly on me or spends the whole time saying can we talk now, can we talk now, can we talk now.

It is relentless. All I want is some one to make me a cup of tea and let me watch a 30 min junk tv programme without DD all over me.

Her grandparents are useless and maybe see her 3 times a year. I don't even enjoy the time when the other DC aren't here because she just spends the whole time asking when they are coming back.

We've been out to the park today and she spent the whole time shouting look at me look at me look at me. We spend 2 nights a week together in the week when the others aren't here and she gets so so so much attention. We are extremely close because we have our own little relationship together but it is suffocating at times.

Any hints or tips PLEASE

Are the others home on a Sunday?

Ive started doing the main hot meal at lunchtime then snacks/egg sandwiches/flapjacks in the evening.

I also do washing for uniforms a good few days in advance. So Mon/Tues/Wed uniform will be washed & ironed by Friday, ready for the following Monday/Tues/Wed.

Bathtimes I do Sunday mid morning.

I would make bedtime 19.00pm then she's alseep by 19.30pm.

I know you didn't ask for tips, but its little changes like that, that have helped me loads

Op, please don't listen to the poster repeatedly urging you to punish her. As a pp said, that would be heartbreaking and is clearly not the answer.

She feels she only has you. She doesn't have a dad in the way the other three do, she doesn't likely get to play with them much, she doesn't even have her own room, and she can probably tell her mum is trying ro push her away, but she won't be able to understand why, so she pushes harder.

It's understandable, and punishing her is a chilling suggestion.

I am a lone parent and I get what you're saying. It can be relentless when you don't have another adult to take over for even 5 minutes for you to get a cup of tea and a breather.

The one thing that helps me though is that I am very strict on bedtimes (probably not strict enough on other things!) purely to save my sanity. It is bath at 6.30 and I am out the room at 7 pm. I know this might not be easy for you to do as you have teenage DC but it seriously saves my sanity knowing that I have a whole evening of space from physical touching and mental tiredness.

It sounds like you are exhausted (and not surprisingly) and therefore everything is heightened anyway so your tolerance level is going to be very low.

How responsible is your 14 year old? I know it's not her job to parent, but could she take your youngest for some fun sister bonding time that's enjoyable, not a chore for her? Obviously not every weekend (she deserves a life too), but maybe once a month or so?

I used to take my little cousin (similar age gap) for a cinema trip and a kids hot chocolate at Starbucks to give my aunt a few hours off at the weekend - we went on the bus but even if you had to drop them off and pick them up that's at least a few hours off, and will make your little one feel like she's getting grown up time with her sister.

What worked for us (divorced parent with 24/7 care of a child) was to split the weekend on three days (including Friday afternoon):

1 day for DS to do as he pleased, if it was spending all day in the park, play area, have friends around, it was ok. I was not allowed to complain.

1 day for me: same as above, whatever I wanted and DS was not allowed to complain

1 day to do things together with other people we liked. These were the best days, we will meet with another parent and a child he could play with and spent the time together. DS had someone to play with, I had someone to talk to and the 4 of us had a great time.

My 5 year old is the exact same. Me and his father are together, he has his own bed and a strict routine. Asleep by 7pm.

He cannot do anything with out me. Even watching a movie, he has to be touching me.

I am getting to the end of the line with it. I stay late in work so he is asleep when I get home.

I just keep telling myself he wont be doing this at 12!!
We don't do time out, as it is counter productive for us.

Another Rainbow leader here and it's very much drop and run so I would sign up for that ASAP

When I was a kid my mum introduced 'mummy's coffee time', which meant that for a set period of time, I wasn't allowed to interrupt her. I could be in the same room obviously, but had to do drawing or play with toys. You could start this for 10 minutes with a timer and gradually build up.
I agree that she needs to do some activities after school where you leave for a short period of time and then go back, do that she gets used to you not entertaining her 24/7 and she learns that you will return.
I also think you need to get the separate bedtime sorted out. My DD was very difficult in this respect and would scream the house down but we got there in the end by me leaving the room for a set period of time and building up. She knew that I would check on her when I said I would and eventually she went to bed in her own room with minimal fuss.

Could you get rid of the super king for a double and like other PP have said buy her a big girls bed?

You sound touched out.

Op you need a babysitter for two evenings a week at least - can you pay your older dc to do this assuming they are old enough?

You need to find the money and do this for your sanity. Maybe Monday and Friday evenings you go shopping/coffee/nails done or just the library for some peace. There are so many babysitting websites if your older dc can't help. They can pick dd up from school, give her some dinner, play with her and then put her to bed.

You urgently need some downtime, or you will meltdown.

You already sound on the edge of burnout to me, I have been there and recognise the signs. The classic is that you love your child but have no more energy to give them.

Every week you need at least two hours off. I would also consider the move to the lower bunk. You can decorate it with fairy lights and make it a magical hidey hole. Your other dds obviously have to be quiet though, so this is something to talk through with them. I think she may like being a 'big girl' and moving into their rooms. You could start with weekends, as a 'sleepover' and then she will gradually get used to it.

Self care my love, has to come first. If you fall apart who will look after them all. You need to have some me time for the sake of the family, and for you of course.

Going to bed at a certain time has little to do with personality and everything to do with routine and discipline and expectations.

This little girl is going to bed at 9pm and getting up at 6am- thats 9 hours sleep. Four year olds need 11-12 hours a night! Before we even talk about anything else the child must be exhausted!

You sleeping in the same bed as her and going to bed the same time as her means she cannot separate from you.
In her unconscious mind, she literally thinks that, at home, you are part of her. I know that sounds weird but that is what is going on. She is still like a very small baby at home, that will cry every time it is put down. The more you try to shake her off the more distressed that will make her. The fact that she is fine at school etc means that she is worried about your safety when you two are together. She cannot rest without checking on you constantly.
You are going to have to sort out the sleeping/bed time arrangement.
Whether you get rid of the kingsize bed, get two new beds and make her a 'room' in one corner of your room.
You can start by getting two single duvets for the bed. She has her own duvet and you have yours. You tell her she is going to sleep then you have some boring housework to do before you go to bed.
You need to gently start putting these sorts of 'yours' and 'my' boundaries in place.
You need to keep reassuring her of your own safety and happiness. If you complain loudly about tired/stressed/ worried you are about money/meals/school runs etc, she will take on this worry and cling to you more.

Its the middle of kids home/dinner/homework here so I can't reply properly but I am reading your replies

Please don't punish her, she is not doing this to upset you, she adores you.

It's hard to do it with a four year old- because it's best to establish a routine from being a baby- but get her in her own bed by 7pm and you will have the whole evening to yourself! Thats's 3 hours peace at night at least if you go to bed at 10pm! Then you can watch TV, have a bath, play on the internet etc.!

You need to address the bedtime situation. You shouldn't be going to bed with her at 8pm if the others are still up. It might be a nice time to spend with your 14 year old for an hour or so before she goes to bed. Move her into the bottom bunk and suffer a couple of nights of whinging if needs be, but tell her that's her bed now and she needs to share with her siblings. Put her up at 7pm and then you'll have a couple of hours to sit either with the others, or blissfully on your own when they've all gone to bed. Your 14 year old will just have to make sure she's quiet going to bed. Even if youngest gets up during the night put her straight back to the bottom bunk. And on the evenings when the others are with their dad you'll have plenty of time to yourself when she's gone to bed. Just don't give in to any pleading to sleep in your bed. You've made a rod for your own back there. She needs to learn to sleep independently so as she can fall asleep herself again on waking during the night. While @AntiHop might think it's ok to have a child unable to self soothe and go to bed by themselves, I don't believe it's a healthy habit to get them into. Each to their own of course.

She's going to bed far too late. Mine is 5 and goes at 6pm and me at 9.30/10. That's prime time to get some you time/be with the older kids.. that's how other parents do it. Going to bed at the same time as her is crazy. You have to be firm in enforcing it.
I feel for you though, it sounds hard.

Contact the children's sleep charity for support to sort her sleep out. What one pp referred to as ADHD symptoms are often actually sleep deprivation. Plus it will get you some time with your others or to yourself in the evenings.
It honestly sounds like if you get that sorted the rest will follow. Good luck!

I also think that it might be due the the other siblings have some time with their dad and your DD being at an age where she's noticing that she doesn't have the same. It must be confusing for her and make her feel insecure that she is different to her siblings. At the same time, I completely understand that this must be difficult for you.

Im not sure if this is a really inappropriate suggestion, but what is your relationship like with the other siblings' dad? If it's good, then if there's days where the siblings are just going to his house or something, would he mind tagging her along so that she doesn't feel excluded (if indeed she is)? I know it's not his responsibility and why should he etc, but maybe he wouldn't mind given she's not just a random child, she's the half sister of his children, she is important to them. Sorry if that's a wacky suggestion, just trying to suggest ways of making her feel less secure and more in touch with her siblings.

Bedtime routine for sure. However this sounds like anxiety/attachment issues. You are her only stability and she knows the others have a dad. I would look into trauma specialists and get support there.

Put her in the spare bed.

You say the spare bunk is for when your other children’s friends sleep over, yet you say the annoying child can’t have a play date because it’s too many kids.

Give her her own bed and a bedtime.

I found ‘quiet time’ as a game effective for my ex’s children. He rolled his eyes and said they were smarter than to fall for that trick. They weren’t. It was blissful silence.

Omg this sounds exactly like my life :(

Not all kids need so much sleep though, it's only recently DS has been going to sleep at 8:30 and up at 6:30 for school and so far he's doing ok, will obviously reassess if it doesn't seem enough. It's very much a British thing to put kids to bed really early.

It's very much a British thing to put kids to bed really early

But that’s because many children in other places have an afternoon siesta, even at school age. British people tend to put their children to bed early because it fits in with our routines and culture (I’ve lived in France, Spain, Italy and the UK so experienced all the different ways of doing things!). They’ll still be getting the same amount of sleep over 24 hours as British children.
Obviously the amount of sleep needed overall varies between children, but 9 hours is very little for a 4 year old. Especially one who has just started school.