Husband thinks I'm being negative, but I think I'm being realistic

[AnotherNameChange12345]

My husband and I are both mid 30s and have been together since our early twenties. We’ve never been desperate for kids – they’ve just always been a potential in the distant future. But now the future is here and I feel like if we’re going to have them we do really need to make a decision on it in the next year or so.

So in the last few years I have put a lot of thought into whether it’s the life I actually want (and have read mumsnet a lot!). My feelings on it are very complicated. I adore my niece and nephew, and I would love a family around me like my parents have now in their 60s, but I’ve never been broody and a life with small children just doesn’t look appealing.

Everything about motherhood absolutely terrifies me, from pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding, spending days on end at home with a small baby/toddler, the effect on my career and marriage, baby groups, the cost etc. I am prone to depression, I’m fairly introverted and really need my own space and I don’t love lots of physical contact and hugging etc so I really worry that I would absolutely hate a lot of aspects of motherhood. I think my gut instinct is that it’s perhaps not the life for me, but this does make me sad and I worry that I’ll regret it.
My husband and I have chatted about it a bit more lately, and he seems to have gone the other way and is leaning more towards having them now. He isn’t pressurising me at all, but my issues are that:

• He counteracts all my concerns and says that I’m being negative and thinking too much about the practicalities. I don’t agree with this. I don’t think I’m being negative, but realistic. And thinking about the practicalities of how we would manage with both working full time, childcare, cost, my history of depression etc, is sensible and we shouldn’t just dive in and hope for the best.

• I really don’t think he fully grasps how hard parenthood will be. He thinks that our overwhelming feelings of love for our hypothetical children will override all the sleep deprivation, stress, potential effect on our marriage. I think he uses looking after our niece and nephew occasionally as a reference point and thinks full time parenting will just be an extension of that. I’m fully aware that being an aunty or uncle is not comparable at all to being a full time parent, but he just refuses to acknowledge that a lot of it is likely to be exhausting, stressful and not rainbows and sunshine.

I guess what I’m trying to work out is, am I being negative, or realistic? And is my husband being naive about the realities of parenthood?

In my experience your DH is right that the love you have for the little things does override the late nights, tears, money, effect on your marriage etc...try not to dismiss his feelings as though he just 'doesnt understand', he's an adult and probably put thought into it. That being said it's a discussion for both of you and joint so your concerns are important too.

Honestly? I think you're being negative. Yes it can be hard work, but a lot of those things you see parents doing, is because they want to, because the overwhelming love they feel for their child makes them WANT to nurture them and spend time with them. I know that my love for my DC has given me the strength to get through some really crappy times.

Your being realistic, the majority of your fears are (for the most part) true for the most part but not extremely so.

There is also a whole lot of enjoyment they bring, and moments that make everything worth it for the sheer warmth you get.

I would say though that you don’t have to have kids, if your gut says you don’t want them then don’t have them, chances of you regretting it later are there but your regrets would be the idea of children. It’s not the same as losing something your familiar with.

Enjoy your nieces and nephews for a while longer and see how you feel in the next year or two!

I might get flamed for this but I think being a mum is equally wonderful and terrible. I adore my kids but they are hard graft (and they are good kids, well behaved , loving, sweet) but they are demanding. When I think of when I've been happiest in myself it's about ten years ago, no worries or responsibilities. I think a lot of it is to do with guilt, it always seems like you could be doing more or things differently. Some days I think I wouldn't change a thing and sometimes I wonder if this was for me at all (kids are 9 and 5).

The negatives you state only last a few years. Motherhood is far more than giving birth and breastfeeding (and all the other stuff you list). I loathed all that but by the time they'd hit 5 or 6 that was long past and they were a joy.

Personally I found being a parent really easy and enjoyed every moment until they err teenagers when it became a little trickier!

I think you’re being negative as the enjoyment of having children is a wonderful and life enriching.

You’re rationalising your decision which is fine. You feel how you feel and your feelings may not change if you had a child.
You may feel resentment instead of that overwhelming love. The sleep deprivation and constant demands can be tortuous.

Your dh of course, has a right to feel how he feels.
Along with the struggles, there can be lots of joy and they’re not babies for very long.

These are the decisions that can put a strain on a relationship but carry on talking and hopefully you can both be on board with the decision made.

You are being totally realistic and sensible, so many people rush into having children without really thinking about and planning for it and then find out, when it is too late, what hard work it is. Then you get those ridiculous fluffy comments like 'yes, I've had a prolapse, lost my career, never sleep, no money but it's soooooooo worth it, being a mother is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done blah blah blah ......'.

You are right to think very, very carefully before having a child, and however 'modern' men like to think they are, it is never the same for a man as it is for a woman.

I am very similar to you, introverted need time to myself, not maternal, scared at the idea of pregnancy an birth . I however always wanted children conceptually.

So was pregnant at 30. Found the scans to be weird and scary not magical. Worried about the birth throughout. It was just something I needed to get past to have a baby.

Anyway my son is now 18months old and we are expecting another. He is honestly the most amazing thing. I'm not keen on other babies at all but he is great. I had to leave my job and am still our 9f work now by choice but I wouldn't change a thing.

Anyway. You need to decide if you would regret having children more then not having children.

You can just have one you know. I know lots who have an only and still have a lovely balance and quality of life.

the negatives only last a few years, I assume you haven't been a parent to teenagers yet then?

Is it feasible that your oh stays at home if he is more keen?

All of those negatives aren't a given. The sleepless nights thing for example. Yes at the start, but I had 2 great sleepers (bottle feeding helps).

The main affect children have made on my marriage is strengthening it really. I love him and I love that he's a great dad. The best part about young kids in particular is that they are hilarious and that kinda makes the harder parts easier. We laugh together at the funny things they say or do.

Did you know that one of the ways humanity and mammals in general have survived so long is that their young are cute? You see something cute, dependent on you, you want to look after it. Scientific fact. Yes there are some exceptions to this and terrible parents out there, but most of us just muddle along and none of us are perfect. There is no one right way.

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. You are right to have concerns about your mental health, but at least you know now you have issues there and can recognise the signs.

well it's really hard to say, I adore being a mother, I enjoy all of it actually, the negative bits are minor irritations for me, I have never been happier, in this deep way anyway (I have had more "fun" times, yes, but I wasn't happier), I haven't had easy pregnancies and we have no family support ether. so it's not that we have it easier than most, I just really love it, so from my perspective, you are being too negative, and your DH is right

BUT, my experience is not everybody else's experience, for some parenthood is really, really hard, and some will admit probably overall something they would not do again (even if they adore their kids once they are there), the problem is, you could be one of the latter, in which case, yes, you are being realistic for you

it may be you and DH are simply not on the same page on this, nor would be if you did have kids, that is, he might find it easier

neither is right or wrong

My children enrich my life in indescribable ways and bring me unimaginable joy. My DH is fantastic, a present and proactive dad who pulls his weight domestically and is the first point of call if there's a problem at school or the kids are sick and someone needs to take a day off. Our kids are healthy, pretty well behaved and fun to be with. We're financially secure and could afford full-time childcare when we needed it.

I think you're right. The daily grind of looking after small children is difficult and depressing, especially if you have MH issues. The impact on your (yes, yours, not his to nearly the same degree) professional life will be immense, possibly irrecoverable. You will almost certainly be the one who ends up doing the majority of the drudge work, which changes over time - so your DP may change nappies, buy vests and do bath times and laundry (mine did) for your baby but you'll be cutting toe-nails, organising birthday parties and doing school admin for years to come.

There's a life you'll have thrown away, and it will be on the periphery of your consciousness, but when things are tough you'll have to force yourself not to dissect it in detail.

If you have children, there's a good chance that your overwhelming love for your children will be enough to counteract all that, and that's what parents will tell you. But we're talking about our actual real flesh and blood children, who exist, and whose non-existence we are incapable of considering without stirring up the horrific nightmare of scenarios that paralyse us with fear.

Your hypothetical children don't exist; they can't be lost or harmed. My advice is, don't have them.

It's ok not to want kids, in the same as you.

As hands on as he could be, it's the mother that makes the most sacrifice- physically, mentally etc.

How does he envisage it working- is he going to give up his career to become a SAHD or go part time?

I think you’re being realistic, I would agree that parenthood is both wonderful and terrible. Not least because you will be wearing your heart outside your body for the rest of your life. If I’d have known how much I would worry about mine I would have thought more carefully about the whole thing.

That said, you could plan on having 1 - one child is fairly easy once they hit 3 and you can tag team them to keep your independence/quiet time.

I think you are being realistic. The whole "love will overcome" is, for some of us, trite bollocks. I love my child, I am an extremely good actress, he has no idea I wish I hadn't had him, I go through the motions stop will that most of the time they come naturally.
When he leaves home my life will restart. In the meantime, I fully accept that I am responsible for him, his physical welfare and mental happiness and will continue to do the best, better than many.
So don't be pressured.

I'm afraid I think you are being negative. Perhaps diving into a parenting advice site (full of people struggling with some aspect of parenting) also gives you a slightly skewed negative perception.

For everyone struggling with breastfeeding, they might not have issues with sleeping. For every period of bad behaviour and tantrums there are lengthy periods where you don't have to puzzle about what has got into the blessed DCs!

I'm very introverted, but have a much higher tolerance for physical contact from the DCs!!

I also think one of the reasons so many people struggle with parenting initially is the natural inclination to consider it "on top" of your current life - so it all seems like an insurmountable new set of tasks and expenses - whereas in fact it's building a new sort of life that includes other people in your household - so you just make different decisions about your time and your money. It's not all "sacrificing me-time" either - it's just finding a new way to accommodate it.

It's absolutely ok to not want to fundamentally change your life this way, and it can be a daunting step - so worthy of considering the practicalities as you are. But those things (feeding, sleeping, affording, parenting, coping) are the "how?" not the "why?" (or "why not?"). Try and pin down your feelings around the future of your family and what you want that to look like, because that's more where the answer lies.

People always talk about plural “children” on these threads but we have found having one child to be the best thing for all of us. We have a lovely family of the three of us and we all have our needs met - including needs for quiet or down time. Dc is close to cousins and we facilitate play dates and trips with friends.

OP, I was a little like you before we decided to have DC. I’m a practical, rational person and I used to try to think about it logically only. I can’t say I was ever overwhelmed with maternalistic urges. The problem is that having children isn’t a logical or rational decision. Of course you need to consider all the practicalities but ultimately it’s a decision you make from your heart not your head. If you rely solely on lists of pros & cons, then you’ll never make the decision.

No one on here knows whether having children is the right decision for you and your DH. However the fact that you’re now discussing it probably means you’re on the path! But, no matter who you are, there is always an element of taking a plunge into the unknown when you have children. That’s the part that you can’t rationalise.

I hope that makes sense. Best of luck OP with whatever you decide. And FWIW, it’s the best thing I ever did. I ( like you) had expected the worst and it turned out to be 1,000 times better / easier than I imagined. ( that might not be typical but it was certainly my experience).

I think you're just being realistic. I feel exactly the same way as you and always have. My exh was the same as your DH. He thought that everything would just fall into place and also that childcare would just magically appear so we'd have plenty of time to do anything we wanted. The issue never went away and we ended up divorcing.

I'm now pregnant by my new partner (accidentally) and I feel nothing at all for the baby. I worry that my life has basically just ended and my already high stress levels are just going to go through the roof when it's born.
I'd say listen to your gut - but I do know several people who never wanted kids but now can't imagine life without them and they're fantastic parents (they stuck at 1 child though).

I wasn't massively broody when I had my first. More we were at the right age and stage of life, it was a practical decision really.

I had my dd and she changed my world! The overwhelming feeling of love I felt from that first flutter was incredible. And it really does override all the bad stuff. I'm more maternal then I ever thought I would be. I know that doesn't happen for everyone but I'm just giving my POV.

And parenthood was a breeze - she fed well, slept well etc, and then I had my second. I love my ds to bits and I love having two dc but now it's really hard work.

I had to give up my career and money is now tighter. My ds still doesn't sleep through (5yos) and he's not the best behaved really. A sweet boy but sometimes very boisterous and hard work. I wouldn't change him for the world but we're probably the parents you see now that will put you off as we struggle to manage him on some of our days out! I'm sure he'll grow out of it though and it'll get easier.

I don't regret a thing and they bring so much joy to our lives. But only you can decide. It's a huge decision. But I think if you do, maybe just one child would be enough for you.

The thing is, with parenting everyone has a different experience. Personally, I had a textbook pregnancy and easy births. The newborn stage was tricky (as expected!) but I enjoyed the baby/toddler stage and made lots of mum friends. My DCs are older primary age now and I’m a single parent but I still don’t find parenting particularly difficult. I enjoy it. I think you have a ‘worst case’ mindset and he has a ‘best case’. There’s no way to tell which is the most accurate for you until you actually have a child.

Hi.
I think your thoughts and feelings are realistic and I wonder if you've discussed who will be the primary carer?

Is there an automatic expectation that you'll be doing this?
Have you discussed who is the higher earner and how the loss of an income will impact on your life?
Are you intending on returning to work and if so how you will manage child care?

Children are hard work and it takes years of dedication to raise competent adults and once this has been achieved there's no guarantee that your children will produce children themselves.

I think it's a loving thing to do to think about what kind of life they will have given the climate chaos we're experiencing and also how the current education system is failing the majority of our children. Of course this could all change,but you can only base decisions on the information at any given moment.

On the other hand it's true that children bring so much joy,but this has to be balanced with the practicalities.

In your situation I think it maybe an idea to discuss having children more thoroughly and then reassess.

Good luck

Your post sounds very similar to how I used to feel. I now have a toddler and really don't find it that stressful. She's a good sleeper so I get waaaay more sleep than when I was a lawyer. I'm probably the happiest and most relaxed I've ever been.

I have let my career slide but only because it feels less important to me now.

I was terrified of giving birth and so had a lovely c section! Planned ones really aren't scary and it was honestly just a fun/exciting day and I was walking the dog within a week.

I'm very scared of the teenage years and dealing with screen time!

Whatever you decide - good luck!