Husband thinks I'm being negative, but I think I'm being realistic

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My husband and I are both mid 30s and have been together since our early twenties. We’ve never been desperate for kids – they’ve just always been a potential in the distant future. But now the future is here and I feel like if we’re going to have them we do really need to make a decision on it in the next year or so.

So in the last few years I have put a lot of thought into whether it’s the life I actually want (and have read mumsnet a lot!). My feelings on it are very complicated. I adore my niece and nephew, and I would love a family around me like my parents have now in their 60s, but I’ve never been broody and a life with small children just doesn’t look appealing.

Everything about motherhood absolutely terrifies me, from pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding, spending days on end at home with a small baby/toddler, the effect on my career and marriage, baby groups, the cost etc. I am prone to depression, I’m fairly introverted and really need my own space and I don’t love lots of physical contact and hugging etc so I really worry that I would absolutely hate a lot of aspects of motherhood. I think my gut instinct is that it’s perhaps not the life for me, but this does make me sad and I worry that I’ll regret it.
My husband and I have chatted about it a bit more lately, and he seems to have gone the other way and is leaning more towards having them now. He isn’t pressurising me at all, but my issues are that:

• He counteracts all my concerns and says that I’m being negative and thinking too much about the practicalities. I don’t agree with this. I don’t think I’m being negative, but realistic. And thinking about the practicalities of how we would manage with both working full time, childcare, cost, my history of depression etc, is sensible and we shouldn’t just dive in and hope for the best.

• I really don’t think he fully grasps how hard parenthood will be. He thinks that our overwhelming feelings of love for our hypothetical children will override all the sleep deprivation, stress, potential effect on our marriage. I think he uses looking after our niece and nephew occasionally as a reference point and thinks full time parenting will just be an extension of that. I’m fully aware that being an aunty or uncle is not comparable at all to being a full time parent, but he just refuses to acknowledge that a lot of it is likely to be exhausting, stressful and not rainbows and sunshine.

I guess what I’m trying to work out is, am I being negative, or realistic? And is my husband being naive about the realities of parenthood?

I think actually you have the right attitude for children. Expect the worse and you’ll be pleasantly surprised hopefully.

You can just have the one? One is considerably easier to manage logistically and financially than two.

And they grow. The baby bit zoomed. Toddler bit went in a lifetime and in the blink of an eye I have a teen. If you had your baby now, you would be back to pretty much being independent by 50.

Well, imo, you're being realistic in terms of the sheer bloody relentlessness of looking after them. It just never seems to stop and you are in a different place afterwards in terms of no longer being able to just do things spur of the moment, just for yourselves and often finances take a hit.
But, until you have them, i don't think you can realise how the benefits of having children offset the negatives. It's sort of difficult to encapsulate the benefits because until you've got children you can't imagine the love you feel for them which makes all the sacrifices worth while. So although i miss my pre children freedom, i can look back fondly, but wouldn't swap my children to go back there.
Also, they make me laugh every single day which is completely invaluable to my mental health and helps offset the times when it all feels a bit too much.

I think it might be one of those things that you won't get to a decision by thinking alone, it is more going with your feelings.
I think if i knew just how hard it was, I wouldn't have had them because I wouldn't have believed the positives could out-way the negatives...but they so definitely do.

You are being realistic.. but I think like a lot of things in life, if I thought about every pitfall and negative aspect then I wouldn't have had kids! It's one of those things where you deal with each bit as it comes, some bits are far easier than you expect, and of course you have the love and all the cuteness which you can't envision until you're in it. I was never maternal (apart from with animals) never cared about babies.. pregnancy scared me, birth scared me.. I actually loved being pregnant and opted for c-sections. Didn't breastfeed past the first week. I don't like loads of affection but found it was different when it came from my kids.
Just a few thoughts to show you can't plan everything

We were very much like you - undecided, scared of the negatives. My mum dying changed my perspective on it all and I got pregnant the following year.

Nothing has been as expected / hoped - planned one baby, had twins. Almost lost one, had emcs, months in nicu. Both are disabled. Life is tough and not what you think of when you imagine having children.

I won’t lie and say I never think about not having them - I know life would be a lot easier if we hadn’t had them. We’d have money to spare and the ability to do things with it. But still, none of those things would make my life better than having my boys. My whole life revolves around their needs but it’s okay. I can’t think of anything else I would realistically be doing that would give my life more purpose. I was very career minded in my 20s and sacrificed a lot for my work but I realised before I had children that all I was doing was making lots of rich people richer, it didn’t mean anything but for a long time it was the biggest part of my identity, took up the vast majority of my waking life, it was truly pointless.

Before I had children I could only imagine the downsides, because I understood what it was like to have little money, little sleep and little freedom. I couldn’t imagine how much I’d love them or how much it would change me, mostly for the better. I wasted a lot of years achieving not very much in the grand scheme of things. Even when I’m really ill and feeling like shit I have to get up and keep going - which is tough, but a good thing.

You are being realistic. It's easy for your DH to say you are being negative. His life won't change as much as yours will. You will experience the permanent body changes, the potential trauma of birth, most of the hard work in raising the children, the hit to your income, etc. If you are not up for this then say so. Having children is not a 'gender (sex) neutral' decision.

Well, you're both right actually. You're being realistic and he's right too that while it is exhausting most couples are reasonably happy to do it because they love their DC and want the best for them.

I think the main issue here is that you've decided that you don't think you want them and your DH has decided the opposite - that he does. In order to agree, one of you is going to have to change your mind ...

I think you are both being sensible in what you want for yourselves. You are right that parenthood can be very draining, especially for someone who doesn't enjoy physical contact and who is introverted. But your husband is right that those challenges could be overcome IF you really wanted children. I have many of the same preferences as you, but I did really want children and I have loved it despite the struggles.

My feeling is that if you let him persuade you to embark on parenthood against your desire to remain childfree, you would come round somewhat and you would love your child(ren) and it wouldn't be as bad as you fear, BUT there is a good chance that on balance you would regret having allowed him to talk you into it.

If you do decide to go ahead, I second what a PP suggested about having ONE child rather than more. With one child, you get little breaks sometimes when the child is engaged with doing something. Relatives are more likely to offer to have your child if there is just one. When they are older they may get invited on playdates or go to activities, all of which gives you a bit of headspace. When you have more children, there are few complete breaks for you. At any given moment somebody always needs something, one or another is often ill. They don't generally nap at the same time. One may fall asleep easily in the evening and another not. Grandparents may go wobbly at the prospect of looking after multiple children. Your chances of having some peace drop as you add in more children.

I love being a mother, and I haven't found a lot of the things hard that people typically find hard, to the extent that we had a third when our second was eight. But (while you are perhaps catastrophising a little) I think on balance you are right to consider very carefully whether it is right for you. Society as it stands has a vested interest in women having children and continuing to put in all the physical and emotional labour, so the narrative of 'you never regret a child' and 'they become your world' is very strong.

I think you're being extremely sensible. You can't give them back if you find it hard. Yes you love your children but sometimes it's not enough to counteract the bad parts especially if you suffer depression. Might be because I had a traumatic birth which triggered severe depression and the last couple of years have been a hell of a struggle. Life with small children is fucking hard. Repetitive, relentless, thankless, expensive. I'm not saying don't do it, but if you're on the fence and you don't have an overwhelming urge to do it, then don't do it. I don't regret having mine because I love them more than anything else in the world and I'm sure things will get easier but I wish I hadn't wholly believed all the "love makes it all worth it" things I read before I TTC. Cos that's just made everything harder for me, personally.

I think you're being realistic.... but also a little negative!

The thing is that, logically, having children will be harder and more stressful than not having children. There's no way of denying that.

I'd compare it to getting a dog. You'll create work and expense for yourself. But still lots of people get a dog because the extra trouble is worth it for them.

You seem to have given this a LOT of thought - which is great! But at the end of the day, you do just have to dive in and get on with it - or decide not to, that's equally valid. All the thinking and pondering in the world won't really affect how hard or enjoyable you find it.

Do make sure you discuss childcare with your DH. If you hate the idea of spending days stuck at home with a baby or toddler, is he prepared to dial back his career and do more of the day to day parenting? Or if you both plan to carry on working full time you'll need excellent childcare in place. That's an important conversation to have IMO.

Also, it is totally fine to remain child free by choice and it may be that's the right decision for you.

Everything about motherhood absolutely terrifies me, from pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding, spending days on end at home with a small baby/toddler, the effect on my career and marriage, baby groups, the cost etc. I am prone to depression, I’m fairly introverted and really need my own space and I don’t love lots of physical contact and hugging etc so I really worry that I would absolutely hate a lot of aspects of motherhood.

^^OP this is also me to a tee

He thinks that our overwhelming feelings of love for our hypothetical children will override all the sleep deprivation, stress, potential effect on our marriage

But your husband is right. I'm currently on mat leave and yes it's hard . I hate not being able to work, I'm bored, I'm tired. But every time I'm woken for a night feed and see the chubby little cheeks, a little gummy smile, his cute baby feet or he grips my finger with his tiny hand, the good far outweighs the bad

Well I'd say realistic. If I'm completely honest. I'd thought about kids but not really yearned. I also suffer with bouts of depression. I accidentally got pregnant with DD. I love her I really do BUT, I struggled with pregnancy worrying things would go wrong. The sleepless nights although weren't that bad made me and DH argue. I'm not overly affectionate so really have to push myself with that. My depression came back with a vengeance. I hated baby groups, I felt I didn't fit in. I went back to work at 5 months and then resented that DH was away a lot and I had to do the lions share, we got divorced. I'm now remarried, DD is 15. My husband is a great dad to her and my heart swells with pride with how wonderful she is but I've found it extremely tough, non of it feels natural. Knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't have had children. That's sounds horrible as she's my world, but deep down how I feel. Most of the younger years I felt like I was just getting through the day.

I love my kids but I do need quiet time away from them sometimes.

Thank you everyone, some really interesting food for thought. Maybe I am being negative but I do wonder if that's my decision right there!

My life would definitely change far more than my husband's. He earns a lot more than me and is freelance so there wouldn't be any possibility of shared paternity leave because he wouldn't get any of those kinds of benefits. He works in a different location every week (sometimes every day) and gets in much later than me so realistically it would also be me doing nursery pick ups, school picks up etc because he doesn't have a regular schedule.

I do sometimes think if I was the man in the relationship I would be much more open to kids!

He's not pressurising me though and says that if it's really not what I want he would be ok with that. I would feel guilty then though

I think when we make couple decisions we tend to divide the problem solving so that one person becomes all head and the other all heart.

This has happened to us, only for the reverse of your reasons. DH has all the practical and sensible reasons for not wanting another child, and even though I agree in principle, it’s as if there’s nowhere left for me to go except the emotional, hormonal longing for another. Yet, as painful as my desire is, I know if dh woke up in the morning raring to go for it, I’d be the one saying “hang on a minute, let’s think this through”

So here’s my suggestion: swop places. Either verbally, or in paper take the other side of the argument. You have to come up with ten heart arguments and he has to come up with ten head arguments - for or against. Just see where it takes you.

But I’m not suggesting this as a way to overcome your negativity reasonable reservations. Only as a way to unblock the thinking traps you can fall into as a couple.
Honestly, everything you said is true. And the cost to the woman is enormous. Even the most hands on dads don’t come close.
What you might need to factor in when you’re reading this sort of stuff on mumsnet is that many of us went in blind and didn’t see it coming, and need to vent about it. But there’s a context to it.

The love for your biological children is vastly deeper than what you will feel for nieces and nephews. I adore mine, I’ve temporarily fostered my niece, I would give them all a home in a heartbeat. But my children are like pieces of my soul walking outside my body.

It’s very hard to rationally explain what makes all the hardship worthwhile because the bond between parents and children is unimaginable.

If I had really understood what I was taking on, I don’t know if I would have gone down this path. But at the same time I’d have another in a heartbeat.

But there is nothing wrong with choosing the other path. At the end of the day it is your decision.

You are absolutely 100% correct with your concerns.
Sounds like you have done your research and have a very realistic outlook.

I am suspecting your DH view is because he is assuming he won't be affected, other than playing with his adoring offspring.

It boils down to whether you want to make an entirely new human being, and spend the rest of your life being entertained/ worrying about them. And you can have just one!

Well done you for thinking it through, as it is the biggest decision you will ever make.

Good luck with whatever you decide X

Maybe if DH is more keen than you and you are more concerned about the stress, then he can commit to taking days off for days when child is sick, night wakings, doing shared parental leave - maybe 3 or 6 months. Would that reassure you a little? Of course you cannot tell what would happen, but it might help in making sure you have more support. Do you think your family would be supportive?

So he wants DC but doesn't want it to affect his freedom or lifestyle. You will be one making all the sacrifices and doing all the hard work.
You are a realist not a pessimist

My life would definitely change far more than my husband's. He earns a lot more than me and is freelance so there wouldn't be any possibility of shared paternity leave because he wouldn't get any of those kinds of benefits. He works in a different location every week (sometimes every day) and gets in much later than me so realistically it would also be me doing nursery pick ups, school picks up etc because he doesn't have a regular schedule

So your would bear the bodily responsibility (which is a given) as well as the physical, practical and financial and he'd get the boasting rights and Kodak moments? Fuck that.

Above said it was about 'head and heart'. I don't think it is. I think it is about much more practical issues of different costs and benefits, and he will benefit while it will cost you.

I think you are exaggerating. Each thing you list is dealt with separately, birth is done with by the time you worry about breastfeeding (which is not compulsory if it's worrying you enough as a reason not to have kids). Once you are back at work you will be done with talking about breastfeeding, either it's become second nature or you've stopped.

You can cope more easily with one thing at a time than trying to get your head round everything.

I think it's unusual to even read around infant feeding if you aren't interested in having children. I think you are wanting children but are feeding your anxiety. Try a different approach- look at the people you know who have coped fine... there are some in there more useless than you, aren't there, be honest... if they are fine....

I'm interested in the section where you talk about being prone to depression, being introverted and needing your own space.

Having been in and out of hospital for psychiatric issues, I know that I need peace and quiet to survive. My doctors all told me to think very carefully about having children and I made the choice not to go there.

If there is the slightest chance that having a child might unbalance your health then don't go ahead. You can't give them back and it would be incredibly unfair on them. I've seen hospital friends have children, children which spend more time living with grandparents or are in foster care as the parents can't cope.

Obviously I'm writing this from my own biased viewpoint but take your time to decide. Despite 'equality', childcare seems to be mostly woman's work and if you don't feel up to it then don't do it.

Sorry - just read your post about DH. Perhaps this is something he can save for - ie have a buffer of cash so that he can prepare to take leave at various times so that it does not feel like 1 hard slog for you (ie maybe he takes 1 week initially then after that a few days ragged onto a weekend every 6weeks)?

I think it's unfair to say that the DH only wants children because he doesn't think his life will be affected. Plenty of men are good fathers and yearn for a child.

Neither of you are wrong really. It is hard work; I am in the midst of the toddler stage now and there are bits I adore and know I will miss in the future, and bits that drive me crazy.

I do often think of my single days in my 20s and the freedom and solitude I had, but I wouldn't change what I have now, and I look forward to seeing where we all are in the next ten years.

You sound like me except you gave it even more thought and practical consideration than I did.

My mum used to say that the pain of childbirth was forgotten the moment the baby was put in your arms.

Absolute bollocks. All I felt after ds was born was a sense of WTF? I just wanted to be left alone to sleep and recover and I had this tiny baby i now had to look after. While they stitched me up I lay there whispering yo him all the people who would love him because deep down I wasn't sure I was going to be one of them.

9 years later I adore him and his sister. They are the most important people in my life. But my love for them doesn't make all the hard work worth it. It just makes me willing to do it. My love overcomes my desire to do less.

On a practical level, you need a proper conversation with your dh. I also need downtime etc. And while I still do the vast bulk of the thinking (which never ceases to annoy me), nonetheless dh really does his fair share in both childcare and home stuff and we both make an effort to give the other one breaks. But this was agreed up front.

It's a hell of a risk to take. IMO, it's not worth risking your whole life and future happiness for in the hope that magic love makes everything worthwhile. It affects every part of your life including your body and there is very little/ no downtime from it.