Husband thinks I'm being negative, but I think I'm being realistic

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My husband and I are both mid 30s and have been together since our early twenties. We’ve never been desperate for kids – they’ve just always been a potential in the distant future. But now the future is here and I feel like if we’re going to have them we do really need to make a decision on it in the next year or so.

So in the last few years I have put a lot of thought into whether it’s the life I actually want (and have read mumsnet a lot!). My feelings on it are very complicated. I adore my niece and nephew, and I would love a family around me like my parents have now in their 60s, but I’ve never been broody and a life with small children just doesn’t look appealing.

Everything about motherhood absolutely terrifies me, from pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding, spending days on end at home with a small baby/toddler, the effect on my career and marriage, baby groups, the cost etc. I am prone to depression, I’m fairly introverted and really need my own space and I don’t love lots of physical contact and hugging etc so I really worry that I would absolutely hate a lot of aspects of motherhood. I think my gut instinct is that it’s perhaps not the life for me, but this does make me sad and I worry that I’ll regret it.
My husband and I have chatted about it a bit more lately, and he seems to have gone the other way and is leaning more towards having them now. He isn’t pressurising me at all, but my issues are that:

• He counteracts all my concerns and says that I’m being negative and thinking too much about the practicalities. I don’t agree with this. I don’t think I’m being negative, but realistic. And thinking about the practicalities of how we would manage with both working full time, childcare, cost, my history of depression etc, is sensible and we shouldn’t just dive in and hope for the best.

• I really don’t think he fully grasps how hard parenthood will be. He thinks that our overwhelming feelings of love for our hypothetical children will override all the sleep deprivation, stress, potential effect on our marriage. I think he uses looking after our niece and nephew occasionally as a reference point and thinks full time parenting will just be an extension of that. I’m fully aware that being an aunty or uncle is not comparable at all to being a full time parent, but he just refuses to acknowledge that a lot of it is likely to be exhausting, stressful and not rainbows and sunshine.

I guess what I’m trying to work out is, am I being negative, or realistic? And is my husband being naive about the realities of parenthood?

I agree with @museumum

I think you’re overthinking things. It’s fine not to want children if you don’t feel it’s for you, you really don’t need to justify it at all.

The reasons you listed are normal concerns but most people still go for it because the desire to have a child overrides any worries.

Just a couple of thoughts...

• don’t take what is written on mumsnet as gospel as to what having kids is like. People will naturally post about the hard times and extreme situations, and it’s not representative of real life

• a lot of people find the baby years hard, but it doesn’t last long

• don’t think your views on other people’s children will be the same as how you feel about your own. I do not like other people’s kids. I adore my own

Realistic. Something people never consider is that there is no guarantee your child will not have special needs, particularly autism, which is startlingly common and cannot be detected antenatally. It can take a tremendous toll on your life and relationship. FAR too many people 'just go for it' even though their instincts tell them otherwise. You will not get a subjective opinion on MN, of course, so there is your first mistake. Far more people regret having kids than we realise because it is so shameful to admit that.

You cannot rely on family to do any childcare, loads of people have family nearby and find they are not willing to do any babysitting at all. If you make the decision to have children be sure you make it knowing you will be doing 100% of the childcare. Also that your spouse has a get out clause for childcare via his job.

Personally, I'd look to do some counselling on my own and then make a decision for yourself but there is nothing wrong with not having children and you cannot send them back once you've done it.

I think you're being really realistic. Unless you are 100% sure you want them I wouldn't have them. It's tough and for me the love I have for my DC doesn't make it any easier. It's really really tough.

OP, you sound as though you’ve given this a lot of thought and have basically come down on the side of not wanting children. That is an entirely reasonable and rational choice and one that you 100% have the right to make. The number of people on this thread telling you to ignore your own feelings, which you’ve hardly come to on a whim, is really irritating. It’s the one decision you have to make that is absolutely life changing, and absolutely irreversible. If it isn’t right for you, be brave and don’t do it. There are a million ways you can make your life happy and meaningful without being a parent. I suspect dealing with being an unwilling parent is awful, and I have a lot of sympathy and respect for those who are honest about it. But you don’t have to become one of them.

The number of people on this thread telling you to ignore your own feelings, which you’ve hardly come to on a whim, is really irritating. It’s the one decision you have to make that is absolutely life changing, and absolutely irreversible

Totally agree. It's so irresponsible to try to convince someone to become a parent if she feels it might not be right for her.

I like the posts that talk about how unrealistic MN is because it emphasises the 'hard stuff'. Really? The amount of starry-eyed 'just do its' and 'it's different when it's your owns' on here far outweigh the more realistic views.

I absolutely concur with the ppl who have suggested only having ONE child.

Having one neurotypical child isn't that difficult, if there's two of you and you have some income. Even if the first year is shit, you know it'll end and things will get better.

It's when you have more and you spend years sleep deprived that it all gets too relentless (until recently I hadn't slept in 5 years).

But one is lovely. All the benefits of kids, but the baby part of your life comes to an end quite quickly.

You sound very wise. I agree that maybe he could be primary carer for a while? Find a way that works for you both? Best of luck x

Sounds like he wants the Kodak moments, but is forgetting all the daily slog that accompanies them. Slog that would fall on your shoulders.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t do it. You have to be 100% on board, and you’re not. It’s okay to not have children, there’s plenty of people in this world and we’re not going to run out of them anytime soon.

There are two things here for me:

1. Not liking babies isn't necessarily a reason to not have children. They grow, different people have different stages they find hard for whatever reason and that isn't the same for everyone. I've never been that bothered about babies and toddlers but mine are now older so it's different.

1. I wouldn't personally have DC with your husband, he is going to leave everything to you by the sound of it. If he wants children he needs to get out of the 1950s and start thinking about the changes he would make to make this possible. I frequently eye roll at the number of men on here who can never ever do pick ups or take any domestic responsibility because of their oh so important man-job.

I don’t really buy the argument about being freelance meaning he can’t do any childcare. The whole point of being freelance is you only work when you are available to work. I’m freelance, I do not make myself available for work on Fridays. My clients cope, if any don’t like it, I find other clients. It’s about priorities. If he arms more than you then he can work 3 or 4 days and still make an equal contribution to household finances. Then you can work ft but do nursery runs only on his working days giving you a day or two for staying later or starting earlier.

It dives me crazy that women who freelance say they do it so they can do more parenting. Most men who freelance seem to use it to argue out of childcare 🙄

YY to no. 2 of your post Tea. And no one is guaranteed an NT child. If you feel you 100% could not cope with a child with SN, it's probably a good idea not to have them. Sure, the odds are you won't have one with SN, but there's no guarantee.

Actually it's ideal to be 100% onboard with having them and your h sounds like he wants the Disney times but skive out of childcare. Nope.

It dives me crazy that women who freelance say they do it so they can do more parenting. Most men who freelance seem to use it to argue out of childcare

Yup!

OP, if I were you I’d ask your DH ti sit down and think seriously about how he could develop or adapt his business to work in more flexibility.

Then I would also work on getting myself into a higher earning bracket- go all in.

That gives you both more of a base for flexible options.

FWIW, I think you’re probably overthinking it, but if you do not feel a desire for children - and I really did feel it as a desire - then you cannot go ahead in your current set up because all the sacrifice and hard work would fall on you and that would be grossly unfair.

Women take the hit in so much when they become parents , much more disproportionately than men. You need a plan to mitigate that. Most things are surmountable except resentment, which is a killer.

I think the reality is that you simply don't know what it will be like. That is the truth of it.

And whatever it is like it won't be uniform. Sometimes it will be joyous sometimes awful and rock bottom. Often just plodding on same old same old.

Whatever it is like you will have to step up and get on with it, and this in itself although challenging can also be good as you can feel proud of yourself and it takes away having to choose so much in life which in itself can be an anxiety. You just simply have to do it, day in day out.

Whatever you choose - baby or no baby - involves giving up the other option. That involves a loss which you have to mourn.

It's just his refusal to acknowledge of any of the potentially crap bits of parenting which I have issue with. He thinks that everything would just fall into place

It's probably true for him. He wouldn't get much of the crap bits, because you would deal with it.

I agree with PPs - can you progress in your career enough to take on some of the drop in his salary which would happen if he took a salaried position?

Could he flexi his freelance in any way? i.e. drop to 4 days a week, or only start work at 9.30 to allow him to do nursery/school drop-offs? He should be the one trying to come up with these solutions, not you.

I think you’re being realistic and your DH is being very naive! But he can afford to be naive because you’re the one who will likely sacrifice the most if you have children! Women still take the brunt of the childcare responsibilities, chores and sacrifice the most in terms of freedom and career!

Honestly, I’d give motherhood a miss!! It’s excruciatingly hard work, exhausting and thankless. So so many people on here have said the fleeting moments of joy are not worth the stress and strain and given the chance to do it all over again they wouldn’t! I can’t think of anything worse than having your one shot at a life restricted by the servitude and drudgery of child rearing.

If you remain childfree the world is your oyster!

Whatever it is like you will have to step up and get on with it, and this in itself although challenging can also be good as you can feel proud of yourself and it takes away having to choose so much in life which in itself can be an anxiety. You just simply have to do it, day in day out

The fact is, a lot of people cannot and don't. Their mental health goes to shit after having children, or their child's needs destroy their mental health and they are unable to 'step up and get on with it'.