Husband thinks I'm being negative, but I think I'm being realistic

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My husband and I are both mid 30s and have been together since our early twenties. We’ve never been desperate for kids – they’ve just always been a potential in the distant future. But now the future is here and I feel like if we’re going to have them we do really need to make a decision on it in the next year or so.

So in the last few years I have put a lot of thought into whether it’s the life I actually want (and have read mumsnet a lot!). My feelings on it are very complicated. I adore my niece and nephew, and I would love a family around me like my parents have now in their 60s, but I’ve never been broody and a life with small children just doesn’t look appealing.

Everything about motherhood absolutely terrifies me, from pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding, spending days on end at home with a small baby/toddler, the effect on my career and marriage, baby groups, the cost etc. I am prone to depression, I’m fairly introverted and really need my own space and I don’t love lots of physical contact and hugging etc so I really worry that I would absolutely hate a lot of aspects of motherhood. I think my gut instinct is that it’s perhaps not the life for me, but this does make me sad and I worry that I’ll regret it.
My husband and I have chatted about it a bit more lately, and he seems to have gone the other way and is leaning more towards having them now. He isn’t pressurising me at all, but my issues are that:

• He counteracts all my concerns and says that I’m being negative and thinking too much about the practicalities. I don’t agree with this. I don’t think I’m being negative, but realistic. And thinking about the practicalities of how we would manage with both working full time, childcare, cost, my history of depression etc, is sensible and we shouldn’t just dive in and hope for the best.

• I really don’t think he fully grasps how hard parenthood will be. He thinks that our overwhelming feelings of love for our hypothetical children will override all the sleep deprivation, stress, potential effect on our marriage. I think he uses looking after our niece and nephew occasionally as a reference point and thinks full time parenting will just be an extension of that. I’m fully aware that being an aunty or uncle is not comparable at all to being a full time parent, but he just refuses to acknowledge that a lot of it is likely to be exhausting, stressful and not rainbows and sunshine.

I guess what I’m trying to work out is, am I being negative, or realistic? And is my husband being naive about the realities of parenthood?

Having a kid is a gamble especially if you have MH issues. It may be amazing or it may not be. There are no guarantees.

How well off are you? Having help can make a massive difference. Having a cleaner and a babysitter is amazing. Do you have helpful friends and family close by?

Maybe you are not as set on having a family as he is?.Its perfectly OK to be child free these days ,and lets face it no one can possibly know what being a parent is like until they are one!.In your mid 30s you are right to feel that this is a crucial time for you .Maybe he is keen to become a Dad ,but he doesnt have to give birth ,Breastfeed and so on. Maybe in your mind you could imagine being unexpectedly pregnant and how you would feel .Children are very hard work and demanding ,but also bring worthwhile rewards .Past the baby stages ,3 to 11 quite delightful ,lots of questions ,interactions with Primary school and so on .Also picture yourself maybe 10 years from now without children and see what you think .Good Luck anyway .

You're both right, it's good to be realistic, but as you've said it's impossible to know how you will actually feel until you have them. As most of the care and life adjustments will come to you make sure you are on board it you decide to go for it; but be prepared that he may wish to find someone who wants the same as him (don't let that bribe you into it, but it would be the same the other way round- you should be freed to find someone who wanted the same). One of my friends had been sectioned several times growing up and still struggles, but she is an amazing mother, she has additional support from a key worker but her child is lucky to have her she is amazing. Not the same for everyone of course, and it's right to think about your MH, but if that was the only thing stopping you (I know it's not), then it's not impossible.

FWIW I never wanted children when I was growing up, not because I particularly loved life, but just as I never saw it as something I wanted. I fell pregnant on the pill and we decided to go ahead, although it's been hard adjusting and I do sometimes resent the fact that my DHs life hasnt changed all that much whilst mine has been smashed to pieces; I love it, and wouldn't change it for the world. I have been fortunate though that I was able to travel and buy what I wanted when I was just out of uni as I landed a good job, and I don't feel I'm missing out. Socially all of my friends have children as well which I think helps, we do go out a lot but it's obviously not on nights out all of the time, which suits me tbh.

He thinks that our overwhelming feelings of love for our hypothetical children will override all the sleep deprivation, stress, potential effect on our marriage.

Well, as he won't be the one doing the majority of the work or making any sacrifices then for him I expect that would be true.

But I think it's pretty easy to feel that way in such circumstances. And actually for him, it would just be an extended version of being an uncle like he is now. Not for you.

Your feelings are different because it will have a much bigger impact on you, and the negatives will be borne by you!

I think it's really unfair of him to criticise you for thinking about practicalities that will affect you but not him, and to call you negative for doing so.

On a slightly different note, it's important as someone who's experienced depression that you do think through how it would realistically affect you, how you could prepare, and whether you're comfortable with the risks. Planning ahead can avoid or reduce problems, so I'm surprised he wouldn't have been more supportive of that.

If he thinks you're just being negative, surely he'd have no qualms about making all the sacrifices he is asking of you so you don't have to? (Physical stuff does he show any empathy for even though he obviously couldn't take it on in your place?)

If the love for his child would override all hardships I'm sure he wouldn't mind altering or giving up his freelance career, even if household income reduced.

I think you're being realistic about the negatives. They are all true and the teenage years are tough too. I only did it for 6 years before my marriage broke down so I've done 13 more on my own working full time. But I wouldn't change it for the world - I'd much rather have my DC than my XH.

But I always knew instinctively that I wanted to be a Mum. I love babies and toddlers and even teenagers. But you are being honest and know you don't - it just might not be in your make up. That's fine and better you're being honest and true to yourself. It's a very tough job if you don't want it.

However if your DP really does want children you may have to be prepared to part company - as he is not wrong for wanting children either. And he might feel like not having children would mean a life unfulfilled for him. That's a tough situation but you both need to be honest with each other.

I have a couple of female friends who don't have DC and they have made very decent happy and fulfilled lives for themselves. One is now a step Mum and struggles with it. Another is sad she didn't have DC but lives very happily.

Have you considered adopting an older child?
Obviously not an option for everyone...

I didn't have babies because I love sleepless nights and nappies, I wanted to make a family. You're creating human beings to share life with. The baby and child stage is over in the blink of an eye and it's really not all terrible.

One of the thing children allow you to do is go back in time. You revisit the small pleasure of singing a song, riding a bike, walking through an infant school corridor, discovering new music through your kids. It's an amazing journey. I think you should go for it!

I think you're very wise to be extremely cautious over your decision, OP.

There aren't many replies on here from people who haven't had DC (with the exception of Jocasta as far as I can see) so I'll add my experience.

I too never wanted children. I just didn't feel maternal, and the automatic expectation that girls grew up, got married and had babies seemed wrong for me. I didn't have any significant relationships in my 20s and early 30s to change my mind. I too have a tendency to depression, introversion, and need regular 'alone time'. Then I met someone who also didn't want DC and we've been together for a long time now.

The only thing that made me question my decision was the arrival of babies in my immediate family. I love my nephews & nieces and loved spending time with them, especially as they got a bit older and could communicate. It made me see finally that in fact, I might perhaps have made a decent parent. I had patience and imagination and responsiveness to their needs, and I started to have a glimmer of understanding about what having DC might be like.

Children are wondrous, life-enhancing, and the way they develop and grow is endlessly fascinating - this is what really struck me, over and over. But....but....I didn't have to do any of the really hard work. And I'm not sure I'd have been so great at that. I sometimes think how things might have been different but that would have been another life and we can all theorise about paths not taken.

It sounds as though you, OP, would end up doing ALL the thankless slog while your DH just carries on as before. That doesn't sound so great to me.

I think you're being very realistic. Sometimes you do just know how you feel.

I think the thing that is slightly concerning here is that it's already been decided that as he's the higher earner, he won't change his life at all. Why is this? Surely if two people have children, it makes sense to spread the impact- so he take a bit of a hit in his career for a couple of years, you do the same, but you both keep going. He's freelance- ideal for setting more family friendly hours at times, or responsive to an emergency childcare situation.

I think the problem is the assumption is that you, with the lower income, basically have to take the emotional and financial hit of children and he won't. I know people who both work four days a week, or who had two and each parent did only one maternity/paternity stint, or where the dad stepped forward and does equal pickups and drop offs.

Your model is flawed from the outset and you are right that in the current set up, the burden is going to fall more heavily on you.

1. Ask if he would be willing to be a SAHD during the early years (or at least go PT). If your life could be as unaffected as some Dad's lives are, that could make a difference.

1. Offer to take your niece/nephew for a whole week in the holidays. Their parents would probably be delighted at the free childcare. Tell your OH that he's has primary responsibility for them. You'll help, but only with the things he specifically asks for (i.e. inverting the traditional man/woman set-up). So he needs to sort out somewhere for them to sleep, make sure you have enough food in, plan activities etc. He needs to take the lead in childcare every day, and deal with them when they're upset.

Maybe he'll step up. But maybe he'll default to leaving it all to you. And that will tell you what you need to know.

You are realistic. Children will ruin your life and be the cause of the breakdown of your marriage. That’s the worst outcome. I have 4 DC and at times I wished I was a single person with no responsibilities. They have grown up and left home but it was a struggle. Our marriage was on thin ice many times through illness, bereavement and lack of money. I wouldn’t have DC if I lived my life over again.

Sorry - I've found your extra posts about him not giving up work.

That would be a deal-breaker for me. If he wants kids, his career suffers, not yours.

He could stop being freelance and change jobs in order to be in a position where he could do the drop-offs/pick-ups and sick days. What's the difference between asking him to do that, and him asking you to give up your job in order to look after kids?

A lot of childcare is dreary drudge work. Fine if you're the parent who can avoid all that by being out of the house, but he's effectively saying that he wants his cake and be able to eat it too. He wants to have the fun side of kids, and he wants you to do the drudge work. That's not on.

I think I would put the ball in his court. Say that you don't wish to give up work or go part-time. So if he wants kids, he needs to come up with a practical plan for how to do it.

And he needs to share parental leave. That might mean stopping for for 6 months (because he's freelance). So he needs to save up enough beforehand to let him do that.

*stopping work for 6 months

As you can see from this thread. Everyone is different. My experience is that all of the things your feared came true for me. I was undoubtedly happier without children. DH on the other hand would agree with the more positive views on parenthood.

I have no advice but I do wish you good luck with your decision

I could have written your posts 10 years ago OP. I chose not to have kids and have never regretted it. I think your instinct is right and you should listen to it. Having spent time with nieces I was also aware how unrelenting motherhood is.

Being MN naturally there are more posters with kids than not. If you search on here for threads about whether anyone regretted having kids you'll hear another perspective but also check out some other sites and groups to get a full perspective.

Good luck

I forgot to comment on the mental health side of things. I've struggled my whole life with MH as I'm neuro diverse. Of course there was the possibility my kids wouldn't inherit what I have but I felt and still do I'd be handing them a curse I wouldn't wish on anyone.

They are the most important people in my life. But my love for them doesn't make all the hard work worth it. It just makes me willing to do it. My love overcomes my desire to do less.

That is the best description of how I feel that I have seen on here.

When that little bundle is put into your arms and the love you have for it pours out life will change.

I wish I had started earlier with a family as would want more children.

Maternity leave has been the best year of my life, every day we are out doing things, I’ve met lots of lovely new friends and been so lovely bonding with my baby.

My career has been put on hold but I’ve regularly kept in with my boss so that when I go back it’s not all alien to me.

There is never a right time to have a family but if you do want one then when you have got your head round things do start trying as you don’t know how long that may take- over a year in our instance.

Good luck making your decision

OP, you are being sensible. Love doesn’t conquer all for everyone so don’t be sent down that rabbit hole when discussing whether to have a child.

You may give birth and decide this tiny human is everything to you and you want to stay at home and look after them and sacrifice everything but equally you may not.

Whilst talking abut a hypothetical child you need, as a couple, to decide what role you will each undertake. If you want to return to work full time figure out how the pair of you will organise the childcare. This is obviously the tip of the iceberg. With DP I knew I hated beach holidays but whilst DD is little that really is all we do. DP knows he has to take on the role of child’s Entertainer on the beach whilst I sit and read and mainly ignore what is going on.

From my own experience, I think the people whose lives are easier are the parents who have family close by to help willingly with childcare and support in general. If you have a lot of family support then I would be more inclined to have a child, without support and feeling as you do now, I wouldn’t.

OP, I don't want to offend you with this suggestion, but have you ever talked with DH about adopting? It just strikes me that a lot of the things you're worried about are connected with pregnancy / early babyhood, and I wonder adopting a slightly older baby / young child might be a good option?

I have friends who adopted their two children (one at 18 months, the second was 2 or 3) and (now 12 and 9) they are the most unbelievably lovely, well-adjusted kids.

The thing is, the negatives are all stuff you know what they're like (although I never imagined how bad it could be spending months on 3-hour chunks of sleep) whereas the positives are completely unknown until you have them!

He needs to be realistic about how his life needs to change.

I think your DH is right.

A lot of posting on MN is about problems so of course you're hearing about the negatives but, for me, having children has been the best thing that ever happened to me and I was never the maternal type.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply and give their thoughts. I've always found Mumsnet so useful.

With the work situation, I don't think the issue would be that DH would want to just have the fun bits of any potential children. His current freelance arrangement just wouldn't allow for regular childcare commitments. There's a small possibility that he could get a full time job with regular hours and paid holiday and paternity leave, but it's likely that he'd earn about half of what he does now. I would describe us as 'comfortable' but if his salary dropped that much it would be a struggle. I wouldn't want him to give up work.

We do have our parents all within 30 mins to 2 hours away, so I expect we'd get the occasional night off, but not regular childcare (not that I would ever ask).

Just to reiterate as well, he's not in anyway pressurising me. At the moment he's not so desperate for kids that he'd be forced to choose between me and the potential for children with someone else.

It's just his refusal to acknowledge of any of the potentially crap bits of parenting which I have issue with. He thinks that everything would just fall into place and we'd automatically be great parents. I just don't think it's simple!

Thanks again everyone, I'm going to save this thread and think about it some more.

You sound exactly like me personality wise

I find motherhood hard, not going to lie but it's 100% worth it

I wouldn't change my decision if I could go back