Is 4 lager cans a night, 7 days a week ‘usual’ for men, or a concern?

[Weymo]

My new husband drinks 4 cans of beer a night, 7 nights a week, every week. Usually Carling “because it’s only weak”, he says.

If there’s birthday whisky in the house he’ll follow with a glass of that each night too until the bottle is drained by the end of the week.

He’s started buying a bottle of Cava for Friday nights. I’ll have one half glass, he’ll have the rest.

He’ll also buy cider and make a lager and cider concoction.

I grew up with an alcoholic grandmother so have a poor attitude to alcohol as I’ve seen what it does to people. Consequently I rarely have a drink, I don’t like the taste or effects of alcohol anyway fortunately.

Is drinking 4 cans every night, 7 days a week, ‘usual’ for most men?

We’ve just got back from holiday and I know it’s holidays and all that, but even then he’d always have one or two beers with his evening meal without fail, and the Cava made a show too.

What piques my concern, is like my Gran who used to hide her alcohol (always in daft places like the cistern, sink cupboard, behind bath panel, outside gas cupboard...) he has started to only bring his cans of beer in as I put the kids to bed at night. I hear the car alarm and sure enough despite being home for some hours, he’ll only fetch it in when I’m out of the room.

He also leaves one can on the side, as if to suggest when I see it in the morning he’s only had one can all night, despite the other 4 or 5 being in the bin.

We have talked about this of course. First off he said it’s nothing to worry about, then said he’ll cut back. He didn’t drink anything for 2 nights in a row, then it went back to normal.

Really though, is 4 cans a night that big a deal? Or is it something I need to discuss with him again?

I work with people who have alcohol misuse issues.
Your husband clearly fits into the bracket.
Using you as an excuse to buy more alcohol is not acceptable.
Tell him you don't want to drink the cava every Friday so he needs to stop buying it.
You need to talk to him about his drinking but be prepared for him to minimise and blame others.
You have got a very long road ahead of you I'm afraid.

But he took up smoking again (and have to hide it from the kids it’s very difficult) and drinking every evening, he needs some vices I think he feels, to make up for not eating the foods he used to love.

He thinks he needs to destroy his body because he cannot eat shitty food?

He's an alcoholic and you are an enabler.

Is he driving next morning? If so it is possible if he is stopped and breathalysed he would be over the legal limit.

we have money worries constantly

Aside from the health complications of drinking the amount he does (and sorry, but he is almost certainly a functioning alcoholic despite certain people objecting to the use of the word because of the quantity, frequency and the hiding of it from you), he clearly can't afford it because it's leaving you with money worries.

He had a heart attack at a relatively young age and resumed smoking again before too long and drinks excessively, doesn't give a damn about his health or the fact you are concerned about him.

Yep, this is going to be a happy and successful marriage.

It’s a huge amount and daily drinking isn’t good. I’d be telling him either the alcohol goes or I do. I couldn’t live with a drinker. The odd glass fine but daily or large amounts no.

You don't have to be a GP to diagnose alcoholism

Ok. So you have constant money worries but he thinks nothing of smoking and drinking a minimum of 4 cans a night? And he can justify the cost of this? (I'm an ex smoker. Its a bloody expensive habit, even roll ups)

He's lying to you and lying to himself. He's putting alcohol first and deluding himself into believing that it isn't an issue.

I hope that he isn't responsible for other people in his line of work, and especially not driving because he cannot surely be legally under the limit the next day.

My ex was an alcoholic and the sound of the ring pull would make my stomach lurch. I left the relationship 15+ years ago and the sound still makes me feel ill.

The damage isn't only being done to his body, but to your marriage and your family home.

Is drinking 2 snakebites and 3 cans of Carling going to put him over the limit if he started drinking about 11pm and we’re setting off driving about 10am?

I’ve asked him and he said no don’t be an idiot. He makes light of my concern. If I’m being ridiculous I’d like to know. It’s getting confusing.

I wouldn't want to take the chance, OP. He is astonishingly similar to my now ExH and I used to feel the same as you.

Make sure he has decent life insurance, his lifestyle sounds very unhealthy. Maybe mention life insurance to him, it might shock him a bit. Did you not find his drinking concerning before you got married?

I am gobsmacked about how little some people know about safe drinking limits, how much alcohol is in drinks, how long it takes to clear your system etc

I’m not sure he’d even get life insurance having had a heart attack at 46 if he hasn’t got any already.

Why did he start drinking at 11pm?

I would say he was definitely at risk of being over the limit.

You can get home test breathalysers. I would get one, that might be a wake up call for him

I work in a shop.

You would not believe the number of men who come in every single night and buy 4-8 loads of lager and are back the next night for the same. They are often back in later the same evening for another set, normall telling me that it's so much cheaper than drinking in the pub.

For them it's been normalised (all their friends do it too).

Women buy bottles of sherry or gin on a daily basis too but are usually vaguely shame faced about it.

I'd say it's a problem if it's that much every day, with no breaks.

No that's excessive and would show so in alcohol testing. Too much strain on the organs. If you own joint property you'll end up comfortable as a widow as he will die younger than average.

He's driving over the limit. I hope he gets caught before he hurts someone. Twat.

You're getting in the car with someone who's not legal to drive and your kids are in the car, too, and he's endangering other peoples' kids.

He's an alcoholic and dangerous.

Make sure he has decent life insurance, his lifestyle sounds very unhealthy.

He won't get it if he had a heart attack at 46 and is now drinking the way he does - if he lies about the drinking it will still come up and the life insurance won't pay out.

I think it's quite a lot and Carling isn't weak.

Can he leave the alcohol alone op? Can he stop drinking it for a few nights to 'show you' he's in control of his consumption??

I just looked at how much a 4 pack of Carling costs. It’s £3.60 in Tesco. 7 nights a week that’s £25.20 a week and £100.80 a month (and the rest at the weekend). You say things are tight financially but he’s drinking away at least £100 a month. Plus the smoking, how much does he smoke?

Ultimately you can’t make him stop. Whatever you say he’ll turn it round because he doesn’t want to stop. It might be worth talking to Al-anon and maybe attending a meeting. It might give you insight into what you’re really dealing with and the best approach.

I knew someone who had a heart attack in his 40s. He was out of hospital and drinking and smoking again within a week. He died of another heart attack within 2 years of his first No-one is invincible.

That's a problem I don't really drink much dive having DS, I'm still breastfeeding and it body makes me tired these days. DH will have one or two craft beers on a Friday or Saturday night. We're having a BBQ tomorrow for the wider family and I expect he'll drink two or three over the course of the day. We've got all kinds of wine beer and spirits in the house and it goes untouched. It's the regularity, quantity and that he can't throw left overs away or put them in the fridge that would concern me in your situation.

this would be a no thank you from me but i suppose you knew before you got married?

Its not a sign of a problem this is a problem and it can get worse quickly. How much money does this add to over a month? I'd be livid. He's not doing his health any favours. My dh was like this. There's no dancing around the issue. Ask him to stop. See what happens.

I talked about it once or twice and he said he’d stop. He stopped for 1 or 2 nights Max I can’t remeber which, but the went back to normal 4 cans a night.

I’ll ask again tomorrow Tuesday night and see how many nights he ca go without , no chance tonight there’s another bottle of Cava in the fridge.

I going to google home breathalyser kid and see how much they are. I suspect if he tried it next morning after a typical evening drinking though he would just shrug it off and say it’s a cheap kit, or they’re not reliable, or something similar.

He leaves for work around 9.30am, but goes to bed around 2.30-3am every night.

Home breathalizer kits are a tenner on amazon.

Does he drink just before he goes to bed? With the levels he drinks he would be way over the limit if he does.