Is 4 lager cans a night, 7 days a week ‘usual’ for men, or a concern?

[Weymo]

My new husband drinks 4 cans of beer a night, 7 nights a week, every week. Usually Carling “because it’s only weak”, he says.

If there’s birthday whisky in the house he’ll follow with a glass of that each night too until the bottle is drained by the end of the week.

He’s started buying a bottle of Cava for Friday nights. I’ll have one half glass, he’ll have the rest.

He’ll also buy cider and make a lager and cider concoction.

I grew up with an alcoholic grandmother so have a poor attitude to alcohol as I’ve seen what it does to people. Consequently I rarely have a drink, I don’t like the taste or effects of alcohol anyway fortunately.

Is drinking 4 cans every night, 7 days a week, ‘usual’ for most men?

We’ve just got back from holiday and I know it’s holidays and all that, but even then he’d always have one or two beers with his evening meal without fail, and the Cava made a show too.

What piques my concern, is like my Gran who used to hide her alcohol (always in daft places like the cistern, sink cupboard, behind bath panel, outside gas cupboard...) he has started to only bring his cans of beer in as I put the kids to bed at night. I hear the car alarm and sure enough despite being home for some hours, he’ll only fetch it in when I’m out of the room.

He also leaves one can on the side, as if to suggest when I see it in the morning he’s only had one can all night, despite the other 4 or 5 being in the bin.

We have talked about this of course. First off he said it’s nothing to worry about, then said he’ll cut back. He didn’t drink anything for 2 nights in a row, then it went back to normal.

Really though, is 4 cans a night that big a deal? Or is it something I need to discuss with him again?

Its way too much.

That's the weekly recommended amount of alcohol in one night.

Way too much. Sounds like he has a problem.

@nameonhat he’s 50! He ‘handles’ drink fine, that’s why 4 cans every night makes me think it’s nothing really.

He doesn’t present signs of being drunk other than falling asleep on the sofa a few nights each week, his snoring has definitely got worse since I’ve known him, and if he drinks Sambucca he gets mighty belligerent but that’s a rare drink for him anyway. He’ll disagree with the belligerence.

With lager he’s just relaxed.

But then my gran was a binge alcoholic who could pass for sober and straight walking and talking after a few bottles of spirit! It was only ever towards the end of her binges where she drank so much she’d be sitting down in the middle of busy traffic junctions, shoplifting, fighting with lamposts and then invariably sectioned and recover in a mental hospital for a few weeks.

@reginafelangee can you google link me to that? I’ve asked him before and he’s said it’s nowhere near over the limit for government alcohol guidelines I’m sure he did.

If he said that then he’s lied to your face.

@Itsallchange That’s interesting to know. Mine only drinks at home, at night, after work. But I’m hoping because I already know from my gran the secretive side alcoholics can acquire with their drinking habits, I can get the gist of whether this might turn into a long term problem, or whether at this stage it’s nothing to worry about.

Currently his drinking doesn’t ‘affect’ him, he still acts sober, which is why I’m hoping I’m not being too ridiculous about asking if this is ‘usual’.

@PaddyF0dder he’s not that sort of man to deliberately lie to my face. He might have just been uniformed himself.

Not drinking that much alcohol can solve at least some of your problems!

I started dry January this year but only made it to 18th. I just decided I didn't want to do it any more. Is that an issue?

@munemema it does suggest an issue. Alone, maybe not but you have to ask yourself why you didn't finish. Because you can't trust the voice that says, 'oh I'm fine' or 'I just fancy one, it's not an issue'. That voice could be genuine or it could be denial. I do Sober October and Dry January every year just to know I can. And to stop the creep.

It was because I was going out and didn't want to be the only sober one there.

Yes, the creep. That's why I started it, because my usual bottle of wine, shared with DH, had become wine followed by brandy and my "weekend only" drinking started to include Sunday, so three days not two.

''He ‘handles’ drink fine, that’s why 4 cans every night makes me think it’s nothing really.''

Christ I thought he was around late 20s/early 30s, I'd be even more worried at 50 as the risks get worse and the body doesn't deal with it near as well as a younger man's would. Plus 'handling' drink visibly fine is nothing really- can you see the damage he's doing his liver etc.? Belive me-it defo isn't nothing.

''He doesn’t present signs of being drunk other than falling asleep on the sofa a few nights each week, his snoring has definitely got worse since I’ve known him''

Again I've known drinkers like that, my best mate's mum being 1 would sit quietly and drink in front of tv and displayed no signs of drunkeness while she knocked them back and to me was as polite and normal as ever. I often never even realised she was drinking until my friend told me and my friend and her used to have rows over it. The same woman had a bad stroke in her mid 50s-which I think stems from years of drinking.

It was because I was going out and didn't want to be the only sober one there.

See that's a great exercise. First because you stick with it. And second because you see how much people drink and how they act and what a crutch it is. Very sobering (pun intended).

Did you stop again after the night out? I think I know the answer BTW

What does your dh do for a living?

My dp used to drink 4 cans of stella a night in the week. More on the weekend. It was making him ill. I told him to sort his shit out but I didn't stop him drinking completely. We usually go out on a weekend and have a few. If we have a bbq we have a few, but if he wants to drink 4 pints (plus the pub pints) on weeknights, every weeknight than he can go and live somewhere else. A family home isn't for regular benders.

He now drinks tea at least 3x a week now, and only 2 on nights he does have a drink. Because I can see that he chooses tea 3x a week im not that fussed if he drinks 4/5/6 on an odd Friday or Saturday night. His health is loads better and he prefers the family life rather than the sad alcoholic life.

@nameonhat this is the thing though, so people handle drink fine without ill effect.

My gran died at 91 without ever having serious illnesses despite being a lifelong binge alcoholic.

My husband had a heart attack at 46 despite eating, drinking and smoking relatively ‘normal’ levels, work stress got him maybe.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't look drunk, it's way too much for his body on a regular basis.

@fizzypoo I can’t say because it would put me if combined with other threads I’ve posted on which some people research and then jump in and ‘reveal’ with stars bursting all around like, ‘hey! You wrote about your gym club on one thread didn’t you and that new department store on another so I figured out you just live in Anytown and your husband is on my school governors board so you must be Mary Bloggs from Anytown!’

No Mrs TP. I've had periods when I've been 2-3 weeks without a drink but not a specified and deliberate dry period. I do only drink at weekends though!

I’m going to talk to him about the drinking. I need to find a link where it correctly states government guidelines. I don’t understand the units thing so need to know if 4 lagers every night all week is over or under guidelines. Then show him and discuss.

I also have a concurrent thread going on work/childcare which we need to talk about as posters advise despite just getting married recently we really ought to discuss our joint finances better!

''this is the thing though, so people handle drink fine without ill effect''

In the majority though it damages and does have ill effect. Just like smokers, that minority will live long lives but the majority do succumb to lung cancer/health problems in later life and have higher death rates. Do not try to minimise it with 'it never harmed x,y or z'

Ah ok OP.

I think some jobs and professions lend themselves more to the drinking culture than others.

Builders and tradesmen norm is to go to the pub after work and have a few. I actually get shocked at the amount of builders drink driving after work.

I know a few teachers who glug a bottle a night and social workers.

My dps drinking felt different to say my grandads drinking, my grandad would open a bottle of wine while he cooked and would finish over dinner (my nan would have one small glass out of it). He would sometimes then have a cigar and a liqueur or a whisky. However, he didn't need to he liked to. My dp needed to have a beer to relax straight after work and it felt different. He would be annoyed if there was a reason he couldn't have it. That's why I put a stop to it. He doesn't fall asleep on the sofa anymore, his actual sleep is loads better and he's more energetic in the evening when not drinking. His was a habit is mostly broken and he likes the positive effect sober days now have. But our social circles are heavy drinkers and it's easy to slip back into that lifestyle.

Here’s some links:

www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-support/calculating-alcohol-units/

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-35255384

"Normal" is a bit of a red herring.

Is it acceptable to you?

@BillieEilish

Nobody needs to know him personally with the facts the OP has presented.

I can’t believe you’d suggest otherwise when he is drinking (at least!) five times the recommended number of units per week.

Hiding his alcohol consumption from the OP. Trying to deliberately mislead her.

Cannot go a day without alcohol. If that isn’t alcohol dependent to you, what is?

This isn’t healthy or normal.

Op. He sounds like an ex of mine
Minimum of 4 cans of Stella everynight
You could smell the alcohol in his hair and the bedroom stank like a brewery in the morning
He had a red flushed bulbous nose and a lot of skin breakouts. Constant ‘upset stomach’

It’s not normal - it’s too much alcohol

Long term you’ve got to decide if this is the life you want - I left

my ex chose his first love - Stella

"Normal" is a bit of a red herring.
Is it acceptable to you?''

Not really no, normal in this regard is whether it is behaviour carried out by the average person which in this case would be a no as most people do not drink 4 tins of beer a night.Normal is in lines with the average person in society or the culture we are part of. The op's husband's behaviour here is certainly not normal and as drinking has such risks attached then it is a concern.

Also just because something may seem 'acceptable' to somebody doesn't mean it's right- not a very good approach to be taking to the topic and if that was the case we could all do what we wanted and gloss over it as it was 'acceptable' to our standards. To a burgular it is acceptable to enter your house and take you belonging-doesn't mean it's normal and doesn't mean it's acceptable.
Bottom line is that as people it is pretty ingrained into our mindset what is both 'normal' and what is 'acceptable' behaviour in most cases especially with issues in regards to booze consumption considering there are enough public health warnings.

Is you dh able to perform in the bedroom after his 4 nightly cans?

Asking as I have read it can interfere with erections etc