Is 4 lager cans a night, 7 days a week ‘usual’ for men, or a concern?

[Weymo]

My new husband drinks 4 cans of beer a night, 7 nights a week, every week. Usually Carling “because it’s only weak”, he says.

If there’s birthday whisky in the house he’ll follow with a glass of that each night too until the bottle is drained by the end of the week.

He’s started buying a bottle of Cava for Friday nights. I’ll have one half glass, he’ll have the rest.

He’ll also buy cider and make a lager and cider concoction.

I grew up with an alcoholic grandmother so have a poor attitude to alcohol as I’ve seen what it does to people. Consequently I rarely have a drink, I don’t like the taste or effects of alcohol anyway fortunately.

Is drinking 4 cans every night, 7 days a week, ‘usual’ for most men?

We’ve just got back from holiday and I know it’s holidays and all that, but even then he’d always have one or two beers with his evening meal without fail, and the Cava made a show too.

What piques my concern, is like my Gran who used to hide her alcohol (always in daft places like the cistern, sink cupboard, behind bath panel, outside gas cupboard...) he has started to only bring his cans of beer in as I put the kids to bed at night. I hear the car alarm and sure enough despite being home for some hours, he’ll only fetch it in when I’m out of the room.

He also leaves one can on the side, as if to suggest when I see it in the morning he’s only had one can all night, despite the other 4 or 5 being in the bin.

We have talked about this of course. First off he said it’s nothing to worry about, then said he’ll cut back. He didn’t drink anything for 2 nights in a row, then it went back to normal.

Really though, is 4 cans a night that big a deal? Or is it something I need to discuss with him again?

My ex was kinda like your husband.mine would drink 4 cans of sella a night .possibly more at the weekend.l started to notice how cans were in the bin every time the dustbin men would come .stella is pretty strong. We spilt up it was not because of his drinking we had other issues but l did not like it

''Asking as I have read it can interfere with erections etc''

He is 50 so problems with erections and decline in libido would be common enough naturally. But all unhealthy habits-drink,booze,junk food, smoking, drugs[both illegal and prescription] ,lack of exercise etc generally have adverse effects on erections and general libido on both sexes especially as we get older.

@Weymo on 4 cans my H is not affected however any more than that and he starts to act tipsy slurring his words etc, fell asleep most nights before the children went to bed, he was also unpredictable with his moods, could be overly nice to the kids or could be really snappy. I don’t drink so I wasn’t sure if it was too much but for me it started to affect our life’s too much, he couldn’t accept it as a problem and couldn’t not drink so I believe he’s addicted, he had a very addictive nature anyway. The question is does it affect your life and would you be happy if he continued to drink at this level for the rest of his life. It will I’m sure start to affect his health

I'm 30 years sober through rehab and AA. You're describing someone with a significant alcohol problem. But you seem to have got married without noticing this.

Alcoholism is often called a family illness. This is partly because there can be a genetic component and - more relevant in your case - because it's learnt behaviour.

People who grow up around alcoholics tend to develop one of two problems. They either become alcoholics themselves or become codependent. Someone who is codependent is highly likely to become involved with other alcoholics or addicts as an adult and will consciously or subconsciously seek them out.

I'd guess that's what's going on. The fact that you posted I have no problem with him drinking, his job is stressful, we have money worries constantly, he’s an otherwise sensible man, with no family drinking history I know of is very revealing. Basically a whole list of excuses that you included in your own thread where you're seeking reassurance about your DH's drinking.

People with a drink problem who don't address it tend to get worse. The deterioration can be fast or slow. If this marriage is going to work, to last, I think you're going to have to put pressure on him to cut back at the least.

From what you say I suspect he may not be able to cut back, but it's well worth trying.

@nameonhat

I guess what I mean is I think the OP already knows the answer to her question.

She doesn't think it is normal and it sounds like she doesn't like it. I think that is reason enough to raise it with him and address it - even if other people thought it was "normal". Which I do not.

I think she has valid concerns to raise.

Interesting view point @Prawnofthepatriarchy especially from someone who acknowledged their problem and worked on it, well done!
I worry that our break up will escalate his drinking but I realised I have no control over his drinking and was enabling him to continue. He chose alcohol because he doesn’t see the problem

I think she does not like it . That’s why she has posted . But also makes excuses for him . It’s not really acceptable. But she might be able to put up with it now. But in the long run it will get to her .

I worry that our break up will escalate his drinking but I realised I have no control over his drinking and was enabling him to continue.

You did the right thing, and I wouldn't waste any time worrying about whether your decision escalates his drinking. People with a drink problem drink because they're stressed, because they're carefree, because it's Tuesday. There's always a reason.

He chose alcohol because he doesn’t see the problem.

Yep.

Drinking one can of Carling is a concern. It’s absolutely disgusting, the worst beer in the world. Cut out the middleman and pour it down the loo.

@Cluelessbeetroot ...haha! I love carling 😂 can’t remember the last time I had one though but agree overnight stops it being a pleasure

@letsdolunch321 No, no problems there. I’ve yet to meet a man over 50 with a flagging libido either !

It's not normal. My uncle was an alcoholic and this is more or less how it was when in his 30s.

If he cannot have at least a couple of days in a row without alcohol it is a problem.

2.3 units per can of Carling.

Husband has 4 cans every night, 7 days a week = 64.4 units a week.

Adult recommendation is 14 units a week.

I just asked him if I should be worried or if he thinks it’s doing his body harm, and his response is, ‘government changes the rules all the time’ words to effect of, and no he’s not worried what if anything it’s doing to him.

Since his heart attack at 46 he stopped smoking immediately and stopped eating anything remotely unhealthy.

But he took up smoking again (and have to hide it from the kids it’s very difficult) and drinking every evening, he needs some vices I think he feels, to make up for not eating the foods he used to love.

He’s not overweight by the way, he’s a strapping skinny six footer.

Now I’ve figured out the units I’m worried.

Sorry OP, it a problem. If he's anything like a few of my family members, he's probably not really clocking the 4 cans- that's effectively his maintenance amount. He's functioning, but it doesn't take much to topple someone into not functioning and if he's already had a heart attack this is not going to be helping things.

I'd advise learning about codependency and enablement and make sure that you aren't feeding into that picture.

That is a lot! I'd be worried about the health impact it must be 4/5 times over the NHS guidelines. Is he overweight - it's a massive number of calories on top of his normal food. I wouldnt like this at all

Oh just saw your update. It will add up eventually though... Would he get his liver checked?

“In 1979, the government advised men to drink no more than 56 units of alcohol a week. This was later reduced to 36 units, then 28 units and then 21 units. The Chief Medical Officer reduced it once again, this time to 14 units...”

The government advice does change, but not in his favour. He’s dismissing this advice as it doesn’t suit his agenda.

The units recommended from 1987 (when units were introduced as a measure) to 2016 was 21 for men and 14 for women. It changed to 14 for men in 2016. Hardly changing all the time.

If he feels that the up to date research is wrong and isn't therefore accurate. Perhaps he'd like to use the very very long established 21 units? Because he's far far exceeding that too.

Or is he just defecting and denying to avoid dealing with it? Aside from all else it must cost a fortune, surely?

publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201012/cmselect/cmsctech/1536/153605.htm

Useful link re the guidelines

@Weymo the units scared me too and I also agree with the pp that says that’s there maintenance amount I defo agree that with my H. My H was not overweight but had started to put on weight was a 34 waist but only 5’6 and 5.5 shoe lol! He doesn’t eat a great deal so maim calories coming from alcohol, has since lost weight but due to not eating and just drinking. I genuinely do think he will hit a wall soon. His dad died early 50’s from a stomach ulcer....I’d be concerned if he’d had an heart attack. Maybe have a look at the alnon website, for families of drinkers xx

It's an issue if you can't go without it which seems to be how he is
I left someone over that level of drinking, I got to the point where I was sick of the sound of a can opening. I was always the designated driver and he literally couldn't go one night without it

Interesting information re guidelines, don’t forget this will have changed due to knowledge of what alcohol does, I bet the amount of drink related deaths has reduced. Also the legal drive limit has reduced in that time. At 21 our H are drinking 3 times the limit on a good week!

Well I had a casual chat with him, told him the current recommends alcohol units figures, he quoted the 1979 figures again, and ended with, ‘I’ll just give up everything then shall I’ (he stopped smoking immediately after his heart attack, and stopped eating almost anything , but started smoking again a year later).

He’s skinny. He lives on pasta, coffee, roll up smokes and lager.

Maybe he’ll get a stomach ulcer I don’t think he rarely cares. He’s listened to my concern about alcohol units but shrugs it off. Keeps insisting he only drinks the weakest percentage lager anyway so it’s nit harming him.

He’s on 64 units a week drinking maximum 4 cans of Carling every night, and sometimes cider chasers snakebites(?) every other night.

I can’t do anymore than quote figures at him. It feels like because he survived a heart attack at 46 he’s invincible or something .

I don’t really know how to talk about it anymore with him as he seems so dismissive about it.

It doesn’t affect his libido, but I hate that sound of a ring pull downstairs every night when I go to bed, and it affects my libido because I want to enjoy time with someone who hasn’t had several drinks first.

Op- there were no unit guidelines in 1979. There has been an article stating that but referencing parliament guidelines and national health publications clearly shows that actually that's not the case.

The first introduction of limits were set out in 81- where men were advised 18 standard drinks and women 9- the concept of a unit wasn't introduced until the next publication in 1987- which states 21units for men and 14 for women.

All of this however is irrelevant, as your husband is an alcoholic and comfortable in denial. I'm sorry op.

It would worry me. DH used to drink that much when we first met but in the pub rather than at home. He stopped drinking after he passed his driving test and was incredulous looking back on how much he used to drink. It suggests dependency rather than weakness if you can't have a civilised conversation about it without his getting defensive. I am no stick up the arse type and enjoy a good drink from time to time, even getting squiffy at home alone occasionally. But every night? That's worrying stuff.