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Original poster

If you could go back and tell your first-time-new-mother self one thing...

147 replies

JessePinkmanYo · 08/08/2019 23:46

...what would it be?

Mine would be you won't be this lonely forever. You are crippling lonely and isolated and depressed, go and speak out and ask for help.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 09/08/2019 08:58

Oh @Babdoc 😔

weebarra · 09/08/2019 09:06

Sad babdoc
Mine: your need to be doing something with him all the time is about you, not him. Relax.
And please listen to the health visitor who wants to investigate his cafe au lait patches, he could have been diagnosed with neurofibromatosis at 3 months rather than 7 years.

PlinkPlink · 09/08/2019 09:08

Don't worry about the house looking like a tip.

Stop worrying about losing the baby weight. It does go with commitment and eventually hard work.

Do NOT try Pick Up Put Down. He's just not that kind of baby to adapt to it. Accept that he wants to be on you ALL the time, it'll much easier for you both.

And this too will pass.

HotChocolateLover · 09/08/2019 09:11

Take unpaid maternity leave 😭 My biggest regret with DS was going back too early but I was 20 and naive. There was only 18 weeks paid when he was born and the bugger was 2 weeks late as well! Now, doing my sums, I could have taken a full unpaid year as it would have cost me no more than putting him into nursery and waiting until a space cane up at my work nursery when he was 12 months. Fortunately, I only worked 20 hours a week and had 16 weeks with him but it’s a massive regret.

SkiingIsHeaven · 09/08/2019 09:24

Don't listen to everyone telling you what to do. Do what works for your baby because all babies are different.

DieCryHate · 09/08/2019 09:44

Don't delay taking the tablets for your PND, they will make you feel human again and you will also remember those months once you're on the road to recovery, unlike the first five months which remain a blur.

You're doing fine, don't feel so insecure about your parenting ability.

You will love the toddler stage, it's fine you don't adore the baby stage. It's not because you're crap and always will be. You will become his best friend and the centre of his universe (and him yours) and you won't believe the amount time you wasted about him thinking you're useless.

Original poster
JessePinkmanYo · 09/08/2019 15:54

@Dinosauraddict

This thread is amazing! I'm pregnant with PFB and it's so helpful to read, thank you!

So pleased it's helpful!

OP posts:
cultwarning · 09/08/2019 16:07

She won't sleep for two and half years no matter what you but one day she suddenly will and you will feel back in control again.

you feel lost now and like you have forgotten who you are but slowly you will regain yourself and enjoy clothes again!

Cookit · 09/08/2019 16:16

Babies often don’t like prams... or cots .. Don’t bother (second time round I haven’t tried either yet).

IntoValhalla · 09/08/2019 16:49

Cookit I agree!!
I tried so hard to get my DC1 to sleep in a spectate bed to me and to actually go in a pram for weeks because that’s what everyone was telling me I was “supposed” to to Hmm She wasn’t having any of it. I got really stressed about it. Gave up, bedshared until she was 2, and babywore until my DC2 pregnancy bump got in the way and everyone was much happier! Did the same thing with DC2, and plan to do the same with DC3 when she arrives.

Fralla · 09/08/2019 16:50

LTB

Grimbles · 09/08/2019 17:04

Its maternity leave, not take on all the housework leave.

peachgreen · 09/08/2019 17:07

You will love her and be genuinely glad you had her and this utter hell will all be worth it.

mistermagpie · 09/08/2019 17:08

Breastfeeding is really not the be all and end all of parenting. There will many many many things that you will feel guilty about over the journey that is motherhood - don't start it off feeling guilty about that.

jagack · 09/08/2019 17:11

  1. If somebody told you they had an amazing handbag and suggested you might like it but when you saw it you hated it, you'd have no issue saying "I'm alright thanks" do the same with parenting advice that doesn't suit you

  2. trust your instincts

  3. it will pass in a relative blink of an eye and one day, you'll miss it so soak everything up, even the crappy bits

  4. take more photos of you together

Daffodil2018 · 09/08/2019 17:18

Persevere with the bottle! Don't get complacent! Once you let a week go by without her taking the bottle she will never take it again Confused^^ and you'll be stuck only BFing for months.

drsausage · 09/08/2019 17:26

Mine is the opposite to many.

Stop cuddling her and just let her sleep in her own bed in peace - that's what she wants.

Get her into a routine - that's what she wants.

My second and third were not like this, but my first was. I wish I'd ignored all the people who insisted I should cuddle her more, always put her in bed next to me, not let her sleep on her own etc. She cried for the first three months until I worked out what SHE wanted.

I suppose overall mine would be 'If what you're doing isn't working, it's OK to try something else, even if it's Gina Ford.'

drsausage · 09/08/2019 17:27

The good advice I did take was: 'It's OK to give her bottles for a week if that's what she wants. You can relactate. Also it's OK to mixed feed. That's what works best for some mother/baby pairs.'

Dowser · 09/08/2019 17:30

All your hard works pays off and you have fab kids who think the world of you

Fooferella · 09/08/2019 17:35

Don't feel bullied into sleep training at 6 weeks. If he's crying, pick him up, just like your instincts are telling you.
Don't feel like you have to stay in the living room whenever ds wakes and then quietly tip toe up to put him in his cot.
Keep him in your room with you until you feel he's ready for his own room.
Basically, you should have kept the single bed in DS's room rather than buy a cot and then kicked dh in there while you got on with sleeping and feeding and cuddling in the master bedroom.
I think my PND wouldn't have happened if I'd done this. Never had a second to test the theory though.

NewAccount270219 · 09/08/2019 17:39

I suppose overall mine would be 'If what you're doing isn't working, it's OK to try something else, even if it's Gina Ford.'

I think this is fabulous advice. Like you, I was trying very hard to be more 'attachment parent' than DS wanted me to be - I drove myself a bit mad with worry that I wasn't holding him enough, even though he kept wriggling to be put down and was happier on his baby gym (this was more like 3-6 months than newborn). He's now 13 months, very affectionate but never stops moving and still doesn't like being held if it means being held still. I also felt terrible guilt about absolutely fucking hating cosleeping, and felt like I must be horribly unnatural)/a bad mother. With hindsight, screw natural, it didn't work for me and it didn't work for DS. Whether it's that way round or the (much more common) experience of being told to be more routine led with a baby that doesn't want routine: go with your instincts and baby, not what any book or well-meaning person tells you is the One True Way.

Frith2013 · 09/08/2019 17:53

When the HV fobs you off at 6 weeks that a constantly sleeping baby, no muscle tone, very quiet, terrible feeder is normal - it isn’t. It will however, take years for everything to be diagnosed...

Fragalino · 09/08/2019 18:48

Gosh.

Forget about Mil, she's burned her bridges and cut her cloth.

Cut them off entirely and don't let them ruin this. Ignore the the student doctor who said she'd get you help and didn't, go and see warmer kinder doc and get that help.

Go with babies flow and needs, don't follow books and get Co sleeping cot

ZaZathecat · 09/08/2019 18:51

"Relaaaaaax!!"

madmumofteens · 09/08/2019 18:52

Just give her a dummy; I refused to give in and let her use me as the dummy!!