The Mumsnet wedding

[QueenOfIce]

If you were invited to a wedding consisting of only the things that go on in the village of Mumsnet, what sort of a wedding would it be?

The bride hasn't invited her cousins twice removed to sit at the top table and so as a result they and their 5 children have declined their invitation and are incredibly hurt at the notion of being put on a table further away.

The guest list was organised by mil and everyone and his dog are invited because weddings aren't about the couple they are in fact about family.

Tell all the guests that their kids are welcome. Then telling them the week before, sorry no because DH to be’s , cousin’s, friend’s, next door neighbours kids are really badly behaved so rather than say those kids can’t come it’s now a child free wedding. How dare you object?

Guests are wearing those bloody awful converse shoes and, necking Prosecco straight from the bottle and telling all the fat guests in too tight clothing that they look great.

There is no wedding, everyone told her to LTB ages ago.... 😏

Surely there wouldn’t be any guests because it’s mumsnet law that the smaller the wedding the more true and long lasting the love, anyone wanting a ‘big’ white wedding is compensating for something lacking in the relationship.

The MIL is considering wearing white.

Conversely, the mother of the groom will be wearing black with a mourning veil and plans to weep noisily through the service.

3 chickens were used to feed all the guests and everybody was full

The bridesmaids are scowling throughout because they're too broke to drink after hen celebrations consisting of two weeks in Marbella, a spa weekend, a weekend away in Blackpool, matching bikinis, pyjamas, T-shirts, and matching outfits for all the nights out when in Marbella.

I would pay each guest £1000 for attending my wedding, people seem to hate the time spent travelling/possible day off work/gift, so is only the right thing to do

Oh and the bride is miserable because she had planned to be married in Maui.

There's a riot simmering because some has let slip that she wore the same outfit to a wedding last year.
The bride has only just got over the fact that her SIL is getting married the April after next and she expected an 8 year exclusion zone.
No food has been served for 17 mins so people are clubbing together to order pizza deliveries. It's inhuman otherwise.
Good times.

The whole thing cost £2.50 and yet somehow there's a 3 course meal and a free bar.

There would have to be a seventeen course meal from a choice of every foodstuff under the sun to cater for dietary wants.

The bar must be totally free, even if every guest wants to order ten bottles of Krug each round.

Everyone is on the top table to avoid arguments.

All guests MUST adhere to a niche dress code.

All guests MUST buy a gift strictly from the (expensive) list or put £100 per person in a card towards the honeymoon.

Sil and mil have been texting about what a bitch the bride is, consequently mil text her ds to tell him it wasn't to late to back out, except the text went to her soon to be dil.

Everyone must wear a “pop” of colour!

Dress code is yellow or orange. No other colours to be worn and it must have cost at least £1000.

The bride and SIL2B aren't speaking because SIL2B chose the hen do to announce she is pregnant, completely upstaging the bride. To make matters worse SIL is talking about calling the baby Balonz, which the bride had already bagged.

Actually I think you'll find it's v v v bad form to expect any gift at all.

A naice bride writes "your presence is our present" in loopy calligraphy on the invitations she banged out on the office photocopier for free.

This causes consternation amongst the guests. Half of them default to the Irish system in a panic (50 quid if you're a low income single, 100 if you're a loaded single, 150 for a couple, 200 if you're close family), and half will take it as gospel and won't even give a card.

Doesn't it have to be in Bali?

@wantmorenow - I thought it was Mali, no??

MiL wouldn't only be wearing white, she would have got her own old wedding dress freshened up and would be wearing that, for nostalgic reasons.

This wedding should never happen there are red flags all over.

A Lemon Drizzle wedding cake.

Penis breaker centre pieces and decorated by a former friend who hasn't made it onto the guest list.

Pom bears and naice ham obviously.

WhatchaMaCalllit Mali indeed. Cheers. Geography and memory both poor. LOL