The Mumsnet wedding

[QueenOfIce]

If you were invited to a wedding consisting of only the things that go on in the village of Mumsnet, what sort of a wedding would it be?

The bride hasn't invited her cousins twice removed to sit at the top table and so as a result they and their 5 children have declined their invitation and are incredibly hurt at the notion of being put on a table further away.

The guest list was organised by mil and everyone and his dog are invited because weddings aren't about the couple they are in fact about family.

The wedding is actually fake because the couple got married in secret and didn’t tell anyone til after. The mothers of bride and groom are sobbing and furious and the dads are pleased.
This thread has made me laugh so much tonight!

Slightly racist ageing distant relative is busy complaining about the nationality of the waiting staff but nobody calls him out on it because he might have a mixture of dementia and austism.

There has to be an additional marquee on the side for all the partners of people you may have met once at a passing sporting or voluntary group. If you don't there will be. WhatsApp group calling the couple tight.

... There will be a WhatsApp calling the couple tight for having a marquee for the additional guests they hardly know because some people they don't know well feel like outsiders.

Most families manage to have well behaved children but cousin once removed has a spoilt brat of a child who makes fire engine noises through the ceremony. The videographer can be heard muttering "this is why we can't have nice things!" Not so under his breath.

It's meant to be a 'child free' wedding but a cousin's baby came early and she's had the temerity to bring it along. It's 3 days old. Couldn't she just have got a babysitter ffs? There are mutterings, and at least 4 of the guests have started AIBU threads already.

No photos to be put on social media ever. The ban includes any photo you may have taken of yourself as a guest whilst wearing the outfit or any accompanying accessories on any other day.

The bride has gone NC with her chief bridesmaid having discovered she refuses to colour coordinate her underwear, pedicure (closed toe shoes) and hair with her dress (fuchsia and mint green). Both have launched an AIBU thread on the subject.

Craftycorvid
Naturally 80% of mumsnetters told the bride she was unreasonable but the bride only replied to the 20% who said "aww bless you Hun, they're probably that you're getting married and the attention will be on you. Tell them to suck it up or sack them as bridesmaids because they clearly don't care about your feelings or your big day"

Important football match disrupts the day as guests ignore the b and g’s order not to watch it. Even though kickoff is not until the evening do the bride is outraged to find the hotel has put it on in a side room and several guests have slipped off to watch it.

The bride is mortified having heard her slightly pissed DM tell the entire top table she and DF were big fans of Centre Parcs.

A second reserve team of bridesmaids have been brought in, the original bridesmaids had to be turned away because one got pregnant, one dyed her hair blue, and one showed a photo of the dress to someone in the hairdressers.

All of the bridesmaids are kitted out in Boden dresses complete with Saltwater sandals and a pre wedding mumsnet haircut.

@ all of you

Two mumsnetters are the only witnesses because the B&G are NC with their own family.

There are ten groomsmen all wearing white suits.

All of the bridesmaids are kitted out in Boden dresses complete with Saltwater sandals and a pre wedding mumsnet haircut.

Except for the one who was fired for being too fat.

The bride was late (quelle surprise)! But why? Because she would not answer the door to her chief bridesmaid, because she never answers her door! Of course, the groom was banished for superstitious reasons, so he couldn't help.

Kids will be invited but upon arrival forceably removed from their parents and stashed in a side room for a day of fun with colouring and sticker books.

Any adult guests who have dared to deviate from the Victorian/Hawaiian dress code will be banished alongside said children.

ProfessorofPerpective

But on the positive side, there's artisan scotch eggs at the buffet.

Well there should have been,but the daft DH of the maker is said delicacies picked the wrong box out of the fridge, so there are actually a plate of fat balls the maker’s DC’s made for the bird table.
Several of the BG’s (drunken) rugby player guests remarked they were “A bit greasy..”

Won't there be picky-bits too? Once the two mumsnet chickens for 100 people have run out?

I'm sure there will be picky bits and humus with carrot sticks, three party rings, Pom Bears and plenty of sandwiches with naice ham.

The guests can help themselves while the Bride changes into her evening wedding dress, a creation in blush designed by her cousin. Of course the bride wants to be absolutely stunning for the First Dance, it's been choreographed by her Nan's new fancy man, and she & the groom have had lessons at the Twinkle Toes School of Dance, and the Groom's fractured ankle is almost fully healed.

Do hope Mrs Jolly and spangran can attend

On the honeymoon flight there is a disturbance because a family who haven't paid to reserve seats want to sit together and the bloke next to the bride is manspreading.

Bride and groom take 8 mile carriage ride between church and reception, takes an hour and a half and costs £800. Guests slip to Asda to buy snacks in the meantime.

Horse diet bizarrely and inexplicably not on brides’ todo planning list. Epic failure of horse poo containment arrangements. Bridal meltdown when bridesmaid refuses to swap dress with bride for reception due to brown ‘not being her colour’. All wish réception had been in open air venue.

The wedding is abroad, but guests are expressly forbidden to fly there because it's bad for the environment. "If you love us, you will understand."

Ceremony will be at 11am
Photos 12pm - 3pm
Bride & Groom disappear
Canapés for 50 people are brought out at 5pm - there are 150 guests
Bride and Groom reappear at 7pm
Wedding speeches are made
Wedding breakfast is served at 8pm

Between 11am and 8pm there is no food or entertainment. Bar is expensive. Venue is a two hour drive from anywhere so guests can't leave to get food.

I am going to a weeding with this exact schedule . The hen do was abroad too.