The Mumsnet wedding

[QueenOfIce]

If you were invited to a wedding consisting of only the things that go on in the village of Mumsnet, what sort of a wedding would it be?

The bride hasn't invited her cousins twice removed to sit at the top table and so as a result they and their 5 children have declined their invitation and are incredibly hurt at the notion of being put on a table further away.

The guest list was organised by mil and everyone and his dog are invited because weddings aren't about the couple they are in fact about family.

Best friend ordered a vegan meal despite not being vegan and now wants the chicken.
Actual vegan accidentally ate the chicken.

It’s on Wednesday, it’s in school term time (despite the facts that all the STBDH’s family are teachers, and every one has school age children, who are invited), it’s in an expensive, exclusive venue in the arse-end of nowhere.

The wedding is in maui!

The wedding cake is a cheese wheel.

Open bar, god forbid guests have to buy their drinks. 3-course meal at 5pm using the magic Mumsnet chicken, and bacon butties must be served at 7pm or the guests will starve to death.

No need to fork out for an expensive honeymoon, neighbour owns a holiday home in Mexico and they can just just turn up and stay there for a week. Sure didn't they cut a key from a precious visit and if they were ok to stay once they can surely stay again. No need to bother the neigbour by actually asking for permission

Ceremony will be at 11am
Photos 12pm - 3pm
Bride & Groom disappear
Canapés for 50 people are brought out at 5pm - there are 150 guests
Bride and Groom reappear at 7pm
Wedding speeches are made
Wedding breakfast is served at 8pm

Between 11am and 8pm there is no food or entertainment. Bar is expensive. Venue is a two hour drive from anywhere so guests can't leave to get food.

Nobody has been told of the schedule.

Evening guests are expected to arrive from 10pm for the chilli & corned beef hash. Bride & Groom ignore everybody, don't mingle or thank guests for coming.

Chicken was 0.0001 seconds out of date, everyone is GOING TO DIE.

All children of all guests are invited so there are only two actual friends present because of budget issues after the 40 children accepted.

The long lost SIL from hell (the one that no one in the family mentions) who has three children, 2 younger girls and an older boy, arrives at the wedding where the children are dressed wearing pageboy outfit for the boy and dresses that are from the Monsoon Bridesmaid range for the girls. They just happen to colour co-ordinate with the actual bridesmaids.
As the music starts playing in the church, these kids are pushed out from their seats and told to walk up the aisle ahead of the actual bridesmaids/pageboy that the bride herself has carefully selected from her close knit group of friends.

No one knows where to look!

Enter the bride herself.

The bride and groom have asked for no boxed gifts - cancel the cheque!!

The bride included a gift lift with the invitations and subsequently had no guests at the wedding because she's grabby and awful.

All the female guests would wear long-ish white/cream maxi dressesand the couple would ask for cash or contributions towards their honeymoon

No guests actually show up as it's an invitation not a summons

The whole thing cost £8.59p and everyone said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to.

As the bride and groom exit the church, loyal MNers form an arch of crossed loo brushes.

Of course everyone said it was the best wedding they’ve ever been to!!

We’ve invited great aunt Flora down from the Outer Hebrides, but only given her an evening invitation.

The bride would sulk because not all the guests followed the fuchsia, lime and turquoise dress code.
There would be no children allowed, except the bride's own.
The fourteen bridesmaids would all be hung over (and broke) after the ten day hen do in Kathmandu.
The food would be curry, chilli and baked potatoes, always popular with a crowd.
A helicopter would whisk the bride & groom away to a secret destination.

The wedding is in a castle (also a hotel) and everyone is asked to pay £1000 to cover the three days (and the cost of the entire wedding/honeymoon)

The biggest toilet cubicle is for bridal use only, because she needs space to manoeuvre with her dress; the bridesmaids are on a patrol rota to ensure that this rule is kept. (I've not seen this on MN, but MNers are so protective of their toilets that it could easily happen!)

The couple would be stone-cold sober during the ceremony, because they don't believe in stag and hen nights, and have never been to anyone else's.

The bride will not be walked up the aisle by her father, to be given away like chattel! The vows will certainly not include the word "obey".

Only the bride is allowed to wear trainers; Converse will not be seen under her dress. Woe betide any guests who do.

It was going to be a child-free wedding, but a compromise was reached: during the ceremony, the limo is on standby, ready to take any wayward kids to the nearby soft play, which would have been full of the smartest dressed children it had ever seen.

The ushers on the door have been provided with mugshots of certain family members with whom the bride is no-contact, just in case they turn up. (I know somebody who did this, because the couple thought there was a real danger of certain uninvited guests, one of whom had sent a very nasty message on the day itself.)

The buffet consists of a small tray of cold Shepard's Pie to feed 100 guests. Guests leave for the pub.

Cash bar with massively overpriced drinks.

The guests fall out over parking and cancel the cheque within moments of arrival

EVERYONE has a personality disorder

EVERYONE is feeling body positive in their 50's style polyester frocks

Neighbours 8 yr old ds is being loud and obnoxious but no one can tell him off because he probably has anxiety and it's all a bit much for him. Bless him.