The Mumsnet wedding

[QueenOfIce]

If you were invited to a wedding consisting of only the things that go on in the village of Mumsnet, what sort of a wedding would it be?

The bride hasn't invited her cousins twice removed to sit at the top table and so as a result they and their 5 children have declined their invitation and are incredibly hurt at the notion of being put on a table further away.

The guest list was organised by mil and everyone and his dog are invited because weddings aren't about the couple they are in fact about family.

Mil is seated in a cage suspended from the ceiling where she can do no harm

There would be a poem asking for money, and a "wishing well" for donations.

A dozen guests start a fist fight as they're all in the same Damsel in a Dress frock which was recommended online.

The wedding car can't get close to the venue because Tom's Handy Hands handyman white van is in the allocated parking space. No one can find Tom and that's because he's trapped in the disabled loo with SIL who stalked crushed on him all through high school. He only went in there to clear the pipes and.. well..

Top table:

9 yo bridesmaid (Groom's best man's wife's dd - nobody dare ask who the father is)
Dodgy Uncle Simon (dodgy)
Bride's SIL (prim)
Bride's DB (rich)
Groom's Step-DM (uncomfortable)
Bride's father (hung over)
Bride (wan)
Groom (blissfully unaware)
Groom's Best Man's wife (sad)
Groom's father (overly jovial)
Bride's maiden Great-Aunt (tight-lipped)
Best Man (doesn't know)
MOH (crush on Uncle Simon)
Groom's drunken step-DB (crush on MOH)

Groom's mother and the bride's three sisters, their DPs and their many children (all girls and none are bridesmaids) have a table near the toilets back. The women are not happy because they have been relegated to a far corner. The men are not happy because they are furthest away from the bar. The kids are overjoyed and hyper because they are near the sweet trolley.

The wedding meal is two mumsnet chickens between 60 people.

There was a 7-hour wait between the ceremony and the reception and absolutely none of the guests minded at all.

Everything is going swimmingly until they find out someone cancelled the cheque.

The wedding meal is two mumsnet chickens between 60 people.
And there's enough leftover to bung out with some bags of salad, crusty bread, posh crisps and meats and cheeses to make a delicious picky bits buffet for the evening do, served alongside a soup made from the chicken carcasses and manky old veg from the bottom of the fridge.

Except there is no evening do because two tier weddings are completely unacceptable.

But on the positive side, there's artisan scotch eggs at the buffet.

Someone mentions Brexit and a remainer takes the mic and berates anyone who voted leave calling them a bunch of thicko racists and it's their fault the sky is falling and she soon will no longer be able to buy strawberries from Spain.

Nobody will be wearing anything white - underwear, men’s shirts, dentures - for fear of being mistaken for the bride.

The bride has twin nieces. She’s asked one to be a bridesmaid, the other has to stay in the car.

The wedding budget will be £2.50
Everyone must bring all their children, in fact they must bring all their children’s friends too and their teacher and the friends they haven’t yet met
Everyone must pay for all their drinks,
There will be absolutely no gifts whatsoever because it’s totally fine to turn up empty handed
Another 550 people they have only met once will come to an evening “do” because despite the marriage being the purpose of the day nobody is actually allowed to see the bride and groom get married

Mil is seated in a cage suspended from the ceiling where she can do no harm
This reminded me of a line in the last Harry Potter book, by one of the Weasley twins: "When I get married, there won't be any of this dressing up nonsense. Everyone can wear what they like, and I'll put a full body-bind curse on mum until it's over."

The cake’s top tier is escorted from the venue by Securicor and hidden in a secret bunker until the christening.

Unless Wordsworth himself scribes the poem it cannot be inserted into the invite.

There must be negative grabbiness.

The invite absolutely is a summons and there will be a three line whip to accept minimum 6 weeks before the date.

There will be mandatory dance lessons for the entire wedding party, including the 2 year old who cannot hold her wee but is expected to behave for 14 hours or ruin, yes RUIN, the brides couple’s day.

@doghouse
A whole 3 chickens! That must of been a hell of a long invite list

Everyone sits on Hay bales with favours made of vegan mints with the happy couple's faces on, wrapped in silver paper and bows made from organic cow saliva.

The band plays only retro indie 80s music and prog rock.

The poem goes like this;

We are getting married today
And want to travel far away
We don't want Shiite gifts and stuff
And may get in an awful huff
So you must give us loads of cash
We want you to be really flash
Give us loads and loads of dosh
Show off and be really posh
We've invited you and want your bread
Don't give and to us you're dead

@iklboo
That sounds like the voice of experience!

@SamBeckett - rumbled

DragonglassHeart...please we need a diagram for wedding/parking thread! Guest suddenly realises the ceiling of the 70’s style registry office reminds her of the Sistine chapel and disrupts the ceremony by screaming. The evening only guests who have travelled 300 miles and spent a fortune on travel and accomodation are issued with special wristbands which emit an electric shock if they try to eat any of the late night buffet wheeled only for those with an all-day-invite.

Plesky that does not sound Wordsworthesque even slightly. You’re disinvited.

The church has put in penquin bollards to save a car space for the bride and the ushers are all from a local rugby team and are on standby to lift cars out of the way. Dick has invited himself on the honeymoon.

The bride has got too confused by all the rules and is consequently wearing a dress that cost 10k but looks like it cost £2.50.One hand has no nail polish, the other has a combination of 'popping' pink and teal.
All the guests are slightly narked by the fact that they had to make 6 phone calls just to get a gift list and are muttering about how much it would have been to just give money ffs, except for Cousin Sandra, who has crafted a wine bottle cosy out of raffia, glitter and old washing up sponges and is smugly telling everyone how great she is at choosing gifts.

Everyone at the top table has made a speech, which took 4 hours because there were 24 people on the top table.

Children were allowed. All the children. The little sods who picked all the petals off the flowers were viewed indulgently as 'spirited' and applauded for their creativity by Cousin Sandra.

Cousin Sandra was later taken out and disposed of by persons unknown for being feckin annoying.

The maid of honour has been sacked for being pregnant and "stealing the brides thunder"